Met w/Counselor- Parental Alienation
At times I so wish I could start over. The past 25 years have been a nightmare! Met with counselor, talked about how bio daughter (30) did the usual on Mother's Day......no card, no call, no email, just a "Happy Mother's Day" on my FaceBook page after I went to bed so I got it the next day. She pitches a fit if I don't send her kids a gift or her husband isn't acknowledged on his birthday but I don't count. I never receive a thank you for the gifts I give, not even an acknowledgement that a package had been received.
I always try to be the "bigger" person and just keep giving regardless. This year I sent both my adult daughters who are moms a Mother's Day card, oldest did not acknowledged she had received the card. Counselor said I have to stop giving......no more calls to daughter, no emails to try and contact her, only a card and small gift for special occasssions. She said daughter is playing a game of "chase me" if you really love me. She is showing me no respect and I am only giving her power and control by playing her game. So I am taking a step of faith in my counselor's words and I am stopping, and letting her come to me if she wants me to be a part of her life.
It's been rough being divorced from a man who has tried his darnest to alientae my children from me. Both ex and my husband's ex used the same tactics on the 4 step kids we raised to try and turn the kids against us and make themselves shine. Both our divorces were in the 80's before all the computer age. I think all the awareness is extrememly helpful to step families today. I had no idea what I was dealing with, just found it incredibly frustrating and terrible difficult. I had no idea that such evil, in my way of looking at it, could prevail. I always thought the truth would come out and justice would be served on these parents who abandoned their children and then tried to alienate them from their parents but just the opposite happend to my surprise.
Unfortunately, we can only correct what is relayed to us from the children if statements are incorrect. Ultimately it is the child who makes the choice on who is offering the correct info, how they perceive what they were told and if they want to accept it and hold hard feelings or move on. The parental alienation tactics many times permanently damage the relationship with the child.....lots or resistance, anger, and defensive towards the other parent....the child has placed blame.
I had the opportunity to speak to my counselor about this and her words were not too comforting. Basically she said that we cannot undo the damage of these parents. The relationship with the adult child takes on the same basis as any other relationship.......if the adult child does not want the relationship there is nothing we can do about that except let the chil know we are open and ready to receive them when (if) the time comes.
I let go of my stepsons finally this past year+ and realized it was in my best interest as the frustrations were taking a toll on me. Now I feel I have to let go of my oldest daughter and realize the dream I had been chasing and the relationship I have been wanting with her may never be. My heart aches to have so much loss.
Here is a link on Parental Alination that I wanted to share: http://www.prweb.com/releases/2011/04/prweb5270414.htm
I am so sorry. I cannot
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine this. With so many bad parents out there, I don't understand what is wrong with these "children"...aka ADULTS. Hey, I can say that me and my parents didn't always get along. I wasn't thrilled of many things they did, but at the end of it all, and sooner (ie. in my 20s) rather than later I realized they did the best they could...and that overall, they did pretty darn good.
On the other hand there are parents like my idiot MIL who never attended any of her kid's graduations (sorry, her MALE children's), never even had a birthday cake for them, let them run the streets at age 9 so they wouldn't bother her and her new hubby (my DHs first sexual experience was at age 9!!! with a neighbor that was 17 or so!!!) and mom never did a darn thing, but even after knowing continued to invite the loser to her home and her parents...and yet expects my DH to worship the ground she walks on...go figure...needless to say, he adores my parents...probably one of the reason he tries so hard to make our marriage work, although many times I don't agree with what he does...because he can't bear to lose the first two adults that have truly cared about him...
I think as hard as it is, you need to let go and let them make their own choices. You will feel worse and they will continue to use you for their own greed if you don't.
A big hug...
I had to fight similar issues
I had to fight similar issues as well and I raised my now grown children in the eighties too, before knowledge of PAS and draconian CS laws (I never got CS from either of my ex husbands)
First husband and his wife did the most PAS out damage to my oldest daughter "Peg" who is now 29 and married. At the same time, I stayed out of her dad and his wife's business, not interfering the way most of these psycho BMs do today. The favour was not returned however and many of Peg's friends seem to think I'm somewhat of an "ogre" since I raised my children strict and traditional. Her contemporaries were part of the "self esteem" movement which I did not subscribe to.
Second abusive, alcoholic husband (not unlike GG, the biodad I'm currently living with and got myself financially entrapped with) did the PAS thing on my son, Awesomeson 23. That had less of an affect as Awesomeson could see his dad in a self destructive spiral and eventually died at age 53 due to alcoholism.
What is ironic is that GG's ex-wife is a total PASinator who enrolled her entire family in the effort AND recruited a lot of GG's own family. And GG has trash talked me in front of his much younger children as well as tried to do this with MY OWN GROWN BIOSON as well. Loves the loyalty conflicts it creates!
I am SOOOO against drawing children, whether grown or not into their parent's personal lives. It's not fair to anyone and leaves lasting scars as evidenced by what is happening to you and many others (GG's three children are now all PASed out at very young ages) ((hugs))
In the words of Dr. Phil,
In the words of Dr. Phil, people treat us how we let them and, to me, that includes our children. I think your counselor has the right idea and since things haven't been working for you, maybe it is time to try something new in dealing with them. It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. I think we all hope kids will see through the people who are manipulative but if they don't, there isn't anything we can do about it except live our own life and hope that some day they see the light. You've done what you can now so just try to concentrate on yourself and be the best person you can be. Maybe look for other ways to fulfill yourself as a woman and a mother.
I was just reading something
I was just reading something that I thought I'd share on this subject. Quote from "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward- "The use of children as a weapon against a parent is one of the oldest and cruelest forms of emotional blackmail. There are no higher stakes. It's especially effective because of the intensity of the emotions involved. It keeps people who once cared about each other locked in a terrible battle in which everyone loses." The author writes that a perosn will do this to keep an emotional connection to the exspouse. Maes you really think, doesn't it?