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Maybe I AM jealous, but

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

Doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with SD27 and DH relationship to make me feel like the 3rd wheel? DH tells me I’m just jealous, well She’s jealous too but for some reason that’s understandable even with an H and son of her own. I feel like jealousy is something we are supposed to have for our SOs not for our parents, children, friends etc... am I wrong? I hate feeling it about my DH when it’s not another woman but his own daughter 

I’ve been working at this disengagement thing and it’s about 50/50 right now because I can’t seem to get the family gatherings to take place outside of my home. I put on a happy face and fake my way through things and other times I stay in my room the entire night, I’m hoping she gets the hint but it’s doubtful as she always assumes I’m just not feeling well, whatever. 

I keep telling DH he needs to visit and spend as much time as possible with SD and grandson until she feels like she’s had enough because I’m tired of the battle, but his response is that he doesn’t want to, which ok I understand that but someone has to tell this princess something because I know she’s stewing about how the Evil Stepmom has taken her Daddy away. 

I know for a fact that SD talks behind my back to mutual friends and other family, but when I bring it up to DH he believes SD over any one else and says they’re just gossiping and why would I believe them over her, Um maybe because we’re all on her shit list except for him and it’s the only way we can deal with it by talking to each other. SD has stopped talking to me but when we were on better terms you bet your ass she talked about the others to me so I’m not stupid. DH is blind. 

 

Im tired of being a stepmom, I wish the adults would act as mature as my teenagers.

Curious Georgetta's picture

to this 27 year old woman. You are her father's wife. She does not have to like her ; nor do you have to like her.

You cannot fix her; nor can she fix you.

You are in control of your feelings and responses , and she is in control  of her feelings. Neither of you is  making the other feel particular  way

Perhaps you should seek professional help to take control and ownership of your feelings.

If you do not want to seek counselling, you may wish to seek legal representation to remove yourself from this situation that is making you unhappy.

Only you can fix you.

 

Too old for this's picture

He is the one who needs therapy. He needs to stop this ego-stroking thing he has going on with SD.  He is getting pleasure from acting like it’s the two of the like a team.  He has left you on the  outside. 

It happens all too frequently.  It will not get better until you lay down the boundaries.  You encourage him to see her elsewhere.  Good. Tell him she (who speaks ill of you) is not welcome in your home until he stands with you and stops that nonsense.  You should not be relegated to your room in your own house. 

Please stop this soon or you will be in a worse and worse situation.

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

with most of it. However on the topic of not being this girls step mom, that’s the title she enforced, not me along with step grandma and anything else she wants to call me when she needs something.

Agree this is DHs problem. I will work on completing my disengagement and laying down some guidelines for what will be accepted 

MrsStepMom's picture

Why is someone not allowed to feel jealousy toward anyone but their partner? She can feel jealous if that is how she feels. Jeaousy is not a romantic emotion exlusively for sexual partners.

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

to feel jealous I said I don’t understand it. I guess if I have something she wants that creates jealousy but doesn’t that seem a little off if she wants her dad and resents me for it?  It’s not like she’s asking for more time or wants to be daddy’s little girl again (which would be weird too) she wants to be his everything and wants me and my DDs, ss dil, gd and everyone else in his life to step aside. If this type of jealousy strikes you as normal then we have to agree to disagree I guess.

sandye21's picture

"Why is someone not allowed to feel jealousy toward anyone but their partner? She can feel jealous if that is how she feels."  No one is 'allowed' to feel jealousy - and act on it - when it is destructive and malicious.  Period. 

sandye21's picture

We'll have to agree to disagree. No one has to put up with an immature adult pain in the butt either.  Trying to divide a marriage because of petty jealousy IS distructive.  I am glad the OP is gleaning responses for people who truly support step parents.

notasm3's picture

Just ban her from your life. I’ve done that with my husband’s son and GF which means their child doesn’t come here either.   My DH is free to see them and talk to them as he wishes.

But on the other side of that I do not run them down.  I don’t mention them at all.  And believe me I could make a snide remark about those two almost every day.  DH mentioned that they are having another baby.   They both smoke weed and cigarettes non-stop and drink like fish.  Their 3 year old  is extremely delayed.  They have no business having another child to destroy but I kept my mouth shut. 

tog redux's picture

If my DH ever said I was jealous of his son, he'd be my ex-DH. What a rude and dismissive thing to say to your wife. 

Siemprematahari's picture

"because I can’t seem to get the family gatherings to take place outside of my home."

If this is also YOUR home I don't see why the family gatherings have to take place in your home. Tell your H until you are shown some level of respect that you will not have any more gatherings. What's he going to do, get upset? Oh well! You've been upset and agonizing over this for years and he doesn't seem to care how you feel so why should you consider his feelings?

Take control of your life and your home. You live there too and he doesn't get to dictate everything. If it were me she wouldn't be allowed in my home. Your H can go to her house and see the grandkid along with her disrespectful @ss.

Jojab1636's picture

I have a 26 (thank God moved to TX to be with mom) and almost 30 year old (single) that think the house that my DH and I live in is their home still.  They have memories there , blah, blah, blah.  They lived there maybe 3 years and then thankfully moved out on their own.  Last Nov. the older one sent me a nasty hateful letter and actually scared me a bit.  I told DH she is not to come to the house.  She didn't for about two weeks and then her dog (the dog she never took care of and still doesn't) got sick and she wanted to be with him.  So, she has come over a few times.  But they both play the guilt trip on my DH -" this is their house" and I should leave.  I have asked DH what he plan is going to be when they want to spend the Holidays here.  I don't want them in the house.  They can go to the SD apartment.  Part of me feels bad that I should just suck it up and pretend to be nice and happy with them during the holidays.  But the other part of me is fed up and don't want to do that anymore. If I had family in the area I would just go over there.  But my family lives clear across the State which is 7 hours away.  So, if you figure this out tell me how you handle this :) 

Evil3's picture

I have a mini-wife on steroids (29). Family gatherings are at my house and I have my DH and SD trained to be on their best behaviour so that SD is permitted to come into MY house. About four years ago, I laid down the law to my DH. Not to my SD. I didn't want to give her that satisfaction. Besides, any boundaries has to come from DH to her. I had to spell that out to my DH. Anyway, I found my voice and I do not hide out in my bedroom in my home. If anyone wants the privilege of being invited for major holidays, they must treat me with respect, not displace me, and not treat me like I'm an interloper in my own marriage and home. I will not stand for it.

Your SD will not get her fill. I tried that method too. I thought if I kept pushing DH and SD together, they'd get it out of their system, but they never did. In fact, SD only ramped it up. Whatever pathalogical issue is present is not healing anytime soon, so I had to enforce my own boundaries. DH used to see SD outside of the home, but he rarely goes now. He won't admit it, but I think he sees SD as having issues and being clingy with DH and he knows I can't bloody stand it. Mind you, I don't care what she does. I care what my DH does. The bottom line is that DH must relegate SD back to position of DD and elevate me to wife position if he wants to stay married to me.

Siemprematahari's picture

Evil3 I like the way you operate! "I have my DH and SD trained to be on their best behaviour so that SD is permitted to come into MY house."

 

The bottom line is that DH must relegate SD back to position of DD and elevate me to wife position if he wants to stay married to me.

^^^^^^^^^^^This 100%

 

Rags's picture

She is a toxic adult. Treat her as you would any other toxic adult.  She is an adult, you did not raise her.  Though technically she is your SD, in reality she is no more or less important than any other toxic adult.

As for the message to your DH, tell him that she is toxic and that his rose colored glasses of denial do not mitigate the facts and the truth regarding his toxic adult daughter's behavior. Many people have recounted her toxic crap. She is the common denominator of crap in this situation.

Keep that message in front of her father.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Take care of you.

still learning's picture

How bout bug bombing your house right before they come over?  "Oops DH, I just set off the roach bomb and we have to stay out of the house for at least 4 hours. The roaches probably were attracted to all the crumbs sgs left in the couch cushions from last time.  Guess you'll have to visit at SD's house."  

You could also wax or somehow treat all the entry ways.  Have someone contracted to do really noisy work while they're there.  Keep "accidentally" setting off the fire alarm.  Whoops!  Start sanitizing everything when they're there and tell them you think you're coming down with a very contaigous viral infection.  Many ways you could have fun trying to get them to visit elsewhere.