Married and a mother of 2 young children and now my adult stepson has moved in, WHAT DO I DO?
This situation has been going on for well over 8 years now. My hubands son (SS) now 30 years of age has left his wife and child and moved in with us. I have a 16 yr of son and 6yr daughter and we are living in a 3bdrm house. My SS has a job but somehow seems to think along with his dad that he cannot make it on his own. He continues to live with us and freeload while spending his money on any and everything except trying to save his money and get his own place. My SS has been and out of our house for the last 8 years. It has not been a year that he has not come to his dad with some sad story and he dad let him stay. The stay sometimes be 3 months or even up to 6 months at a time. I am tired of this coming and going in my life while trying to raise a soon to be adult son. What lessons are we as parent teaching him by letting the adult SS come back and forth in our house. I told my husband that he needed to talk with his son and let him know that our house is not a revolving house where he can come and go when he feels like it. SS left his wife and kid because he got tired of his wife and the issues they were having so dad let him come back. Needless to say, dad is okay with adult son living with us. SS is now living in our family room where we would normally watch TV etc. Now when I come home from an 8 hour work day, I have to go to my room to be at peace. Adult stepson does not participate in any expenses, no chores around the house voluntarily, don't take out trash absolutely nothing unless you asked him to do so. Keep in mind that 6 months ago we my husband and I rented a 2 bdrm apt for the stepson to keep him from moving in with us and the stepson offered to pay half the rent. We all agreed and yes, out of the 6 months at the apt, the stepson paid for 1 months and we had to pay the rest. Finally, I told my husband enough was enough and we could no longer support the stepson nor the apt. So you know what happen next, the stepson let the apt go and only to bribe his dad into letting him move in with us for 3 months until he save enough money to get his own place when he already had his own place at the apt. Dad (husband) agreed and I was notified that the stepson was coming the day he arrived. Funny huh! So I really didn't have a say so in the matter other than okay becuase it was already agreed upon and he was moving stuff into the house when I knew. Now the stress of having the stepson here living in my den (family room) and everything has gotten to me. I have had enough. It has been past 3 months and the stepson has not saved a dime. Now I guess the stepson is to bribe his dad again into letting him stay for another 3 months to save. LOL. Well the dad (my husband) does not see anything wrong with his adult son living in the small 3 bdrm house and his son sleeping in the family room (den). You really cannot afford to have visitors over anymore, no room to put them to watch TV or entertain for that matter. I NEED HELP! WHAT DO I DO! Husband do not care how I feel and he wants me to be the evil stepmom and kick the stepson out but he would not dare do it. Husband states its okay for adult son to live with us, he does not see a problem with that. I NEED HELP. WHAT DO I DO? HOW DO I HANDLE THIS SITUATION?
I guess it depends on how
I guess it depends on how seriously this is affecting you and your marriage, and what you are prepared to do.
Personally I would be telling DH he has to choose, its time his adult 30 (FFS) year old stands on his own two feet and stops freeloading on you, which in turn is taking away from your other two kids who arent able to support themselves yet. So its either him or you. If he chooses his son, then I would be throwing ss out on his arse even if that means you create a scene. Like hell would I continue for ss and his father to take liberties and use your good nature.
I would tell DH he is to say to his son, that both of you think its time he moved on (at the least) but if he has the balls to take one for the team and say "I think its time you sort yourself out. You have had plenty of time to save your cash and move. I am giving you 30 days notice to move"...he could actually move back in with his wife you know.
Seems to me your ss's marriage probably hasnt been helped by your DH's enabling attitude because your ss knows he has someone he can constantly run to when things get tough, instead of working through them as most married couples do. Like hell would I want to be part of a situation where I was helping a marriage and family crumble, you would think your DH had enough sense to stepback and let his son grow up, and be a husband and father. You would think he would not want his grandchild to endure the same stress he has gone through with his own first marriage and hurt/distress that can cause the children involved!
Or you could just throw your ss's stuff out when hes not at home, change the locks. Or tell him hes out regardless of appearing the bad guy and inform DH that that is going to definately damage his (DH's) relationship to you - and show him you mean it. So no doing nice things for him, detach from DH, separate your finances, keep yourself busy. I would also tell DH that the next time he tried to pull the stunt of moving in ss behind your back they both will get a nasty surprise, because his stuff will be chucked out (by you if necessary) and the shit will hit the fan (say it and mean it - did something similar to my DH when he tried to disrespect my feelings in my own home and he soon shut it because he KNEW I would do even if I didnt like it). Its you or him, I know who I would choose.
I don't understand if the man
I don't understand if the man has a job why is he being enabled into feeling he is helpless? His father is basically agreeing with him that he is a helpless loser who cannot take care of himself? Is his father proud of that? I am sorry that situation makes me sick. At 30 there is no helpless when all you have to take care of is you and you are able bodied. So angry for you.
The money that is being spent
The money that is being spent on this "man", belongs to you and your husband. It is being spent on:
the rent he isn't paying
the cost of rent you paid for him
food
utilities
household items that he doesn't contribute to pay for
For every dollar that goes to these things...calculate that market value...you should simply demand that much cash goes into an account for your kids. Each of them should have a savings account and that amount should be alloted to each. Fair is fair.
You could also mention that is he would pay rent, utilities, and contribute a SET amount to other household expenses, that you would be willing to take the amount of the rent part ONLY and place it in an account for him. That money should be used after ninety days for him to move out. Then he would know that any time he feels the need to come back and free load, it won't be free.
I read this and as awful as
I read this and as awful as it sounds I'm betting the "issues" his wife has are the same as yours that he's lazy and doesn't financially contribute to the household. I'd charge him rent like another poster said and save up a portion to move him out. What's he gonna do if his wife divorces him and gets cs just not contribute to that either?
This is ridiculous. It's
This is ridiculous. It's time to make sonny boy stand on his own two feet. To still be living at home at 30 is one thing, but to not pay any rent or do any chores is pathetic, and is certainly not normal. He'll never grow up as long as daddy continues to enable him. You're going to have to put an end to it or you'll only grow more miserable.
I had a similar situation with my adult SD. I moved in w/her and DH after we got married. I was against it, but DH wanted us to bond. It was a nightmare from the start. We didn't get along as she was mean spirited, lazy, and down right evil. DH refused to ask her to move out because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." So I made it clear, either she had to go or I was going to go. I told him that if she continued to live with us w/no end date in sight, that I was going to move and end the marriage. That got his attention, but he still refused to give her a move out date.
So I made him double her rent from the pittance she was paying (less than $100 per month), hold her accountable for her actions, and encouraged him to ream her everytime she didn't comply. I also hid household items, and insisted that she buy her own groceries. Her feelings were so hurt that in a matter of weeks she found a place and moved out . .at damn near 30.
Your DH has to realize that SS's presence in the house is destroying your marriage. He has to take you seriously and if he doesn't, you have a decision to make. Either you can stay and be miserable, or put your foot down and take control of your household once and for all. If not, your SS will always end up moving back in your home because he knows that he can . . you must change that!
Put it to your husband like
Put it to your husband like this... If you left him, (maybe leave that little veiled threat hanging for a few seconds) how many women are going to be interested in a grown man that has is LOSER 30yr old son living with him?
Would HE be interested in a Woman with a 30yr old ADULT living with them that they supported?
I can't add much beyond what others have said besides, whatever you threaten, you have to be willing to back it up. If you tell him he has to choose between you and his loser son, be ready to act on it and let him see you looking for apartments and calling places to rent.
The idea of charging him rent and such is nice, but what do you do when he doesn't pay it? If you aren't able/ready to boot him NOW, are you going to be ready to do it in a month when he chooses not to pay his rent to you? What then?
At the very least I would do the separate bank account thing, and tell him you are only paying for your portion of the rent/mortgage (divided between all the ADULTS under the roof) if he wants to support his Grown Loser Son, then he will do so. Make it a "Our food, NOT his food" kind of situation, tell him that he only gets to eat what HE or his daddy buys.
UUGGGHHHH! The boomerang
UUGGGHHHH! The boomerang skid. I feel for you. I truly do.
SO and I have a rule right
SO and I have a rule right now no adult kids living in our home EVER!!!! He is on board with this right now but we will see. SD21 is trying to weasel her way back to our house. I have serious doubts that SD13 will have the skills to make it on her own when she turns 18. Our relationship will not withstand one of our adult kids living with us.