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Married 6 weeks & I just can't with SD's games

Olivia2020's picture

Hi all, 
He and I got married 6 weeks ago, we dated for almost 5 years, except the weeks when I would leave him from too much drama from his two daughters, now 20 and 24. Both of them flat out ignored me up until he and I had a talk with the younger SD. However, the oldest SD is untouchable...meaning he has NEVER told her that she should apologize to me, he simply won't back me on this issue...oldest SD admitted (to him) to ignoring me on purpose (he just told me this yesterday) when she told him almost 2 years ago when he was begging me to get back with him. Now that he and I bought a home, still unpacking, working and getting settled in...the oldest SD (look up Emotional Incest...these two are so bonded) will ignore me when she passes by me in the house during the day (I work quite a bit from home). She comes out of her room when he comes home from work, she's wearing inappropriate, revealing clothing, and full face of make-up and all, does nothing all day. She's all chatty when he's there, otherwise she barely says 'hi' when I say 'hello', she comes out of her room when I leave the house to go to my office or run errands. She does not lift a finger around the house and I stopped cooking, cleaning up, moving her laundry she leaves and taking out the trash. When her boyfriend visits from out of state, he leaves messes in the kitchen and around the house too. My husband will NOT hold her accountable for cleaning up after herself and her bf. My husband and I talked in detail with a therapist about this prior to getting married but nothing has been said to her. When I walk into the kitchen or another room when they are talking, they immediately stop talking so I politely excuse myself to give them privacy and he gets mad at me. He expects me to be her therapist and check in on her, take her to yoga and do things for her. Not ONCE in the past 5 years has she asked me about how I"m feeling, how my son (who is deployed again) is doing, or how my bandaged knee or foot or shoulder are doing after the surgeries I've had. Not once said 'happy birthday' but he expects me to go all out for his kids birthdays, and I have and won't do it anymore. I read about this disengagement so I need to do this. I'm looking for a therapist in my new city. I feel so alone and he talks to her and tells her more about his day and work than he does with me. Any ideas on how to live with this 24 yo SD with her behavior? Every time I talk to my husband about my feelings and what happens, he is quick to make excuses for her and ignores my feelings, ignores me when I cry then turns it on me or tells me his girls ignore him. Ugh! Help!

Gimlet's picture

How to live with this?  Hell no, but I can tell you how fast the 24 year old and all her belongings would be out of my house. And if that didn't happen, I'd be out of the house and the marriage.    

Your husband already has a wife and it isn't you.  

Olivia2020's picture

SD is supposed to move out of state to be with her bf in June. She told me a few weeks ago (has not told her dad) that her bf plans to live here through summer and they both move in October. Um, no! I told husband that I'm surprised she hasn't told him yet, they are experts at lying by omission, and I need to know because I didn't sign up for this. She was supposed to finish school & work during this time (to move out in June) but she's taking an online class & not working, he still pays her bills. I haven't transferred my phone or auto insurance to his plan in case I bail out. 

somethingwicked's picture

That lying by omission sucks ....so diabolically sneaky.

Tell him ADULT daughter goes  or you go.

You guys dated for 5 years ~didn't you get an inkling of the  family dysfunction and the miniwife vibe in all that time ?Or did OSD show her ugly after you and Daddee got married?

Kick  her out to live with her BF since that is their plan for June. She's 24 .Time to  swin or sink little sucky duck.

Skid is not working and saving for her planned move  in June with BF so what's the difference if it's  next week or a few months.

Ridiculous your H is such a weak pansy a$$ stooge where his adult children are concerned. If he doesn't get a grip and demand their respect and stop paying for the priviledge of the"girls " using him and you like a doormat then long term your marriage is doomed.

In the meantime disengage and ignore .If she gets in your face then give her both barrels, shove all her sh!t in a garbage bag ,toss it out the front door  and when she runs out to retrieve her crap lock the door.  And tell DH he's next if he doesn't change the dweeb dynamic.

Olivia2020's picture

You're absolutely right, she's not working to save for her move across the country! He has paid for every darn thing for her lifestyle. I was well aware of the 'daughter wife' role she plays when he and I lived together in 2017 and that went down in flames. So I moved out of town for several months and he begged me back. I lived on my own again for over two years until we bought a house just over a months ago and got married. When we got back together in May 2018, I told him daughterwife can't get in the middle of us and I don't want to be included in anything he does with either of his girls. We all lived 1-3 hours apart so my avoiding them was easy. Both daughters threw drama fits about him getting back with me...why? They ignored me 100% of the time. They didn't even know me other than me going to school for my Master's degree (I paid for). They quickly forgot I saved daddy's life at the hospital after surgery when he was bleeding excessively after a surgery. Not even a thank you to me. All they care about is what I can do for him and/or them. That has stopped.

Daughterwife continues on walking around the house in barely anything scraps of clothing, sitting in shorty shorts with her legs spread out to him, visible nipples at the dinner table, etc. I can't tell you how many times he said he would 'talk to her about dressing appropriately' but she continues to wear very sexual clothing around him. Now that I'm disengaging, I'm not going to be nice or ignore the obvious & I'm going to call her a** out on what she wears next time she's being an exhibitionist in front of her daddy. Now her bf that visits for a week at a time ignores me. Pansy a** daddy will defend him right in front of me when I say 'hi, I live here too!' as I laugh. 

She's sneaky, she will NEVER get in my face. Very passive agressive and manipulative so daddy never sees a thing. 

Before we got married, he would say 'this is going to be your house and what you say goes if she acts up.' Yep, never happened.

I'll keep a garbage bag handy to throw her crap out! This is a great idea! haha!

sammigirl's picture

Ok, do I read here your SD tells you her plans, but hasn't told her father?  Yet she won't speak to you, in your own home?

If my SD told me things, but hadn't told Dadeeeee....that opens the door wide for me to tell her, that she nor her bf will move in.  Then ask her, "would you like to discuss my decision with your Father, or would you rather I take it up with him, with you included of course?"   

Call her bluff!  This is your home now.  Make sure  EVERYONE understands you are part of all decisions, as well as, SD will begin showing you respect.  

I have had to set boundaries with grown stepkids.  I actually thought my marriage would fail, if I stepped up.  Exactly the opposite.  It is tough, I should have put my SD in her place 30 years before I did 7 years ago.  My DH doesn't like my boundaries, but he accepts them.  He knows the problems, but denies that his princess DD and his denial are the problem.  Of course it is all my fault; after all, I am labelled the "mean old SM".  

I'm in control, it is their problem.  Hugs..

Stay here for support.  As long as you have grown stepkids, you have to stay informed.

 

Olivia2020's picture

Yes, she tells me her and bf's plans to live here and DH won't even confront her to gain clarity...he continues to stick his head in the sand and denies the lying by omission that he and his ex taught SD. DH's 20 yr old daughter wants nothing to do with him, only for money. Prior to us getting married, DH and I talked extensively, even with a therapist, about SD respecting me and our new home. None of his promises have been upheld. 

DH disputes everything I say and screams at me when I express the concerns to him...he is SO resistant to talking with SD, they talk on the phone when I'm not around and he keeps saying "I will talk to her" (lip service) and I remind him WE are married and his responses are "We feel like you're making the house tense." His WE are him and SD. His eyes get BIG when I call him out on this then he denies what he just said. He forgets that I actually listen...it's part of my career too so he can't talk out of both sides of his mouth when he's right in front of me and expect me to ignore a lie to my face. Not once has he said, "Yep, that's bull, let's talk to her (together) and nip this issue in the bud right now before it (SD's behavior/concern) gets out of hand." ZERO backing from him as partner/husband/SO. 

I'm glad you set those boundaries 7 years ago! Way to go! woohoo!

Anonyn49's picture

I have read through this thread. I think people jump hard and fast onto the "dump his ass" bandwagon here and sometimes I don't agree. 

In this situation, I cannot imagine why you would even remotely stay.

Get out of there and get your life back. You worked hard for your degree. Don't look back and definitely don't believe him when he starts trying to back pedal and get you back.

Olivia2020's picture

Hi, so part of his kind personality came out yesterday to have a civil discussion about the SD behaviors, then last night, after he mulled it over in his lame brain, he starts yelling at me at 11pm. This morning he text DaughterWife explaining 'Hey honey, I am so sorry you have to hear the fighting and bickering going on. Just sit tight, stay in your room. I am trying to work things out but not going very good. I love you!"

Wow, after I've told him that she cannot hear anything on the opposite side of the house, he shouldn't start arguing with me especially that late at night and he has NO business sending her a text like that. I just took it out to them outside as they are grilling dinner and called him out on it. He tried to back pedal and look like the nice guy....I told him to F off and slammed the door to get away from him.

I found an apartment today and waiting on the move in date. So times like this, DH will move closer to DaughterWife and ignore me. I've never had to LIVE with this before though. No more tears...just gotta keep packing when he's not home. Took a bunch of stuff to storage today on my way out of town to find the rental. 
Thanks for everyone for helping me stay focused to get through this. I don't have any second thoughts and no weakness or guilt. I'll be walking distance to the beach again, yay! Happy is coming back to me VERY soon! 

Hugs

ldvilen's picture

There's a new term: DaughterWife.  Better than even Mini-Wife. More accurate.  "My husband will NOT hold her accountable for cleaning up after herself and her bf."  So. who cleans up after her then?  I hope it is not you.  If it is, pls. stop immediately!  And if that means crap piles up, let it.  Not your monkey, not your zoo.  

I love your attitude, tho.  "I'll be walking distance to the beach again, yay! Happy is coming back to me VERY soon!"  Keep that thought going in your soul, and you'll be fine.  We are all rooting for you.  XXX, OOO, and best wishes!

Olivia2020's picture

Oh no, DH does the dishes. laundry, trash, grocery shopping...even after he gets home after working all day with a 2 hour commute to boot. DaughterWife (glad you like my term for these nuts!) will pile up dishes and dirty pans and pots. I packed up my dishes, pots and pans. The shelves are empty, my nice stuff is gone. DaughterWife's BF flew in this morning and as I did the math last night...he's going to be here 3 months! DaughterWife was telling me about his school schedule yesterday, traveling from the west coast, etc.and I pulled it ouf of here that he is indeed staying longer than the two weeks that was agreed. She didn't tell daddeeeee. No boundaries at all. No respect. THREE more months of this with the messy and lazy bf?. Nope! The movers arrive in a few days....this just reinforces my decision. Thanks for the xxx and ooo, I sure need them! What a cool group we have here! 

Petronella's picture

Have they noticed that your stuff is missing from the shelves? How are you hiding your packed up things from them?

Olivia2020's picture

 A lot of my things were not even unpacked and in still packed in moving boxes in the garage so they didn't notice. The movers left last night at 7pm, so I'm all out of that hell. Only lasted 45 days there.

StepUltimate's picture

You are an inspiration. Action, results. 

Good job getting out.

Olivia2020's picture

I was able to rent an apartment on 13 March and moved in yesterday, 19 March, it's 2 1/2 hours away from where I was living with DH and his DaughterWife. So glad to be free! A marriage that lasted 54 days, I lived there 45 days. Never in my wildest dreams/nightmares would I think this would happen. When I came across this site and discovered that these dysfunctional behaviors occur in many step-relationships and how the DH will continue to be the jefllyfish (no backbone) to SD's bad behaviors, then I knew that I needed to get out sooner than later. Fortunately/unfortunately, I witnessed this dysfunction with my own eyes. I'm grateful I had the financial means, support from supervisor, flexibility in my career, a couple close friends, a great therapist plus what I learned on here to make the exit to safety and peace. 

ldvilen's picture

From all of us, thank you!  And, we are all just so glad you're safe.

Your case was a little more extreme, and thanks to your background, you had the ability to catch on a lot sooner.  Now, think about the women/ SMs who have had to put up with close to what you had to put up with for years.  We can only hope that they learn from your example to find the financial means, get support where they can, and find a great therapist to give them the ability to make whatever decisions they feel they need to make to protect themselves.

Olivia2020's picture

Thank you so much. I hope to help other women on here (definitely not telling everyone to jump ship & cut their losses like I did) and support them in whatever decisions they need to handle the 'stuff' that they are facing. When we're in the 'bubble' of stress, dysfuntion or pain from anxiety provoking events or intense emotions, it's very difficult for us to think in a rational manner outside of that bubble. It does take support in whatever form works for the individual. Not sure how I found this site but so glad I did. 

XOXOXO

sandye21's picture

This was my SD decades ago - EVERYTHING you wrote describes her to a tee.  Everything also describes my DH - and HE is your problem.  Like you, I tried to be nice, excused myself from their presence if they needed privacy, tried to be nice and 'ignore' rude behavior.  But I found out I was going about it all wrong.

You need to find out why you are catering to DH and SD so much when they aren't doing the same for you.  Your marriage should be top priority for your DH - and you must start believing this yourself.   It's really good you told your DH you didn't sign up for this but he needs to realize you are not going to LIVE like this.  Period.  Set some boundaries and stand firm.  If DH can not accommodate you, leave.

Farnklly, I would ask that SD leave now as you shouldn't have to live in the house wiht someone who is so disrespectful of you.  But if you are up to SD staying in your house until June disengage from her.  Let DH take care of ALL of her needs.  He can feed her,pay for everything for her and clean up after her.  Don't engage in conversation with her unless she is pleasant to you.

Olivia2020's picture

Wow, I'm so amazed how COMMON this is and how much it parallels with what you dealt with decades ago. How frustrating. 

I stopped catering to both of them just over a week ago (we've been in the house we bought for 4 weeks) so three weeks was enough for me to realize how HE is not going to do one thing to stand by his word of 'having her be part of the family and do her part.' I've told him that she's like a hungry cat...she'll come out of her room when he comes home from work and wait to be fed then goes back to her room or takes a phone call when it's time to do dishes. He's been doing ALL the dishes, cooking and garbage as I just sit there at the table on my phone (like she does) or I disappear into another room. I'm a great cook so he was so looking forward to my cooking dinner for us! Too bad. So I'm standing firm on my personal boundaries of only taking care of my own laundry, dishes, etc. He really does think I'll stick it out because HE is not affected by anything. I'm selling (downsizing) a lot of things on-line. Just shedding a lot of personal belongings and storing my nice cookware and dishes that I bought in Europe for my son to take back with him to his home base when he comes to visit after his deployment. I feel like I already have one foot out the door. Wait, both feet have never really been in the door! 

So the SD leaving now is not an option. Unfortunately. He is pushing her to finish her undergrad degree so she's enrolled online and goes to a class 3 hours a week, that's it. She's not working like he said she would. I told him after we moved in and since than if she could just unpack the moving boxes with the kitchen supplies and set it all out, I can put it all away. Little things like that would be so helpful in us getting the kitchen set up and settled in. Nope, nothing happened. So I am stuck here either A) June when she is supposed to go live with her bf out of state or Dirol I give up and get the heck out. This could be a VERY long two months for me. Life is too short and the depression is sinking in fast. So I will continue to disengage with her. 

Thanks so much for your advice, I need it ;-))

Carolyn

somethingwicked's picture

Please don't disparage the noble stray alley cat in comparison to this skanky lazy manipulative b!tch. A  hungry cat once fed would at least catch the vermin in appreciation .She IS the vermin.

You don't need this BS stress.You don't need to help him raise or care for these two a$$holes.You've already  successfully raised a son to adulthood and he sounds responsible.Congratulations.

DH betterfigure our parenting 101.It isn't kissing his daughters' collective A$$ses and throwing you under the bus.

Where is the BioMother?

Can you send Pwincess to live with her if you can't get  Pwincess out before June?

 If DH won't man up or Dad up and insist on her showing respect then she should go  out the door and see how difficult life can be without that parent who will foot the cushy lifestyle  bills .

Olivia2020's picture

I apologize to all felines...our kit kat population is most appreciative of a nice meal! 

Bio egg donor left the dad after long affair and married the guy. They love her more than anything even though she can't support them and abandoned them at ages 13 and 16. Bio egg donor kisses their bu**s and um...she's not too bright, we'll leave it there. She lives just over a couple hours away living the dream with her sweet young hubby. 

Daughterwife can't live with Biomom again since her school is here in town (over 2 hours away from mom). Daughterwife and bf sponged off Biomom for 6 months then daughterwife moved here and bf went back out of state to go to school but he visits for a week every three weeks. 

DH is scared of me leaving. I told him he can have this house all to himself and live a nice life with HER. She even ignores my dog and won't even take my dog out into the backyard to potty. DH asks 'well, did you ask her to take your dog out?'  No, my dog waits by the door when she has to potty, daughterwife ignores my dog and walks past not even taking her out. DH replies 'well, your dog can hold her pee for over 10 hours, right?' Why should she hold her pee when daughterwife is here ALL day in the house! Unreal. 

I have an exit plan....

somethingwicked's picture

omfg..ask DH to hold HIS pee for over 10 hours.

What a good dog.Time to leave this clown show and take pups with you.

His daughter is a skanky hobag .A POS and he sounds like the source.

Sorry you married this guy.He needs to find his balls .Too late for his daughter to change.HE has to change the way he deals with her.6 weeks in and you are having to defend yourself from the disrespect..nope.

Get that annulment and chalk this mistake  up to bad weed or something..oh ...experience.

Sad

 

 

piegirl's picture

As far as I see it you have three choices:

1. Leave now, get an annulment and mark it up to experience

2. If you want to stay married, tell DH that June is her launch date. Be firm. No excuses reasons or extensions. Then disengage completely. Continue to not do things for her as you are already. I would even give up bothering to say hello when you walked past, however because I can't help myself I would be making comments about her outfit selections at the dinner table Wink "wow I can see your nipples sticking out, maybe you should wear a bra" or "I saw a stripper wearing short shorts like that on Facebook" etc haha

3. if depression is setting in too quickly to cope until June and remember you are the most important person for you to take care of, explain to your DH that you have to move out until SD leaves in June. That for your emotional well-being you can only return when she moves out. 

Good luck 

Olivia2020's picture

Hi, thanks for your feedback...this came to another ugly head last night and I already found a place to move to, it's about 2 hours away, I'm in the Florida panhandle so moving west 2 hours is worth it. I'll drive over on Monday to check out the rentals.

I laughed because if I made the stripper comment should would take it as a compliment....she's so full of herself! 

He said when the SD and her bf return from their weekend at the beach (tomorrow) that we will all sit down and have a talk. He is UNABLE to wrap his head around SD doing anything wrong and continued to invalidate my feelings and the issues I've talked to him about AGAIN last night. He couldn't even choke up the words to say what he plans to tell her! He choked on words that would tell her that she needs to respect me. Fail.

Getting an annulment in Florida can be validated in this case with A) no sex, B) frad and C) emotional neglect & abuse. 

He doesn't want me to leave and wants us to have a 'married life' whatever that looks like with this guy. 

Thanks! I appreciate your help

 

sandye21's picture

You have just dodged a major bullet, smart lady.  If you had remained in this marriage the deception, lies and lack of sex would have magnified every year that went by, and your respect for this man would have diminished into contempt.  Even if this man throws out SD he will fail in other ways to be the husband you deserve.  In another year you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars you got out of it.  

When you get back on your own, please don't blame yourself for anything but innocence.  Lesson learned, move on and have a great life.  In another couple of years you might meet the best man for you - or not.  I've leaned from many single woman friends that it is very possible to be happy in your old age and not be married.  Society has been giving women misleading information since the caveman.

Olivia2020's picture

Thank you friend. I just turned 54 and have chosen to remain unmarried for the past almost 20 years. I've had healthy relationshiops in the past and always heard that marriage is 'hard work' so I've tried to not RUN every time issues or struggles presented themselves in this relationship. It's been a long distance (3 hours apart) relationship except for trying to live together in 2017 when both girls ignored me and he wouldn't break the ties with the cheating ex-wife's 'friend to talk to every day on the one hour drive to work.'  The SD is obviously not being 'talked to' by him at least not in the manner he says he does. So the lying by ommission continues and new things about his health and other lies are now being revealed 'now that we're married I can tell you...' type of things. 

I'm totally ok with my solitude and sanity in living alone. I'm looking at rentals tomorrow and not letting him know. I'm moving things into storage that he won't notice. Now I understand why women leave an abusive relationship in one day when the man is at work. He doesn't want me to leave and will try to block me again. 

Thank you so much, I will remember to not blame myself. The moving is more of an inconvenience and changes with work. I'm a contractor so I can work from nearly anywhere. The expense of moving is the real kicker but I have savings. 

Hugs xoxo

SacrificialLamb's picture

You live in the Florida panhandle? I would not care what else was going on because of one word. Whataburger.  I am in south FL and I find reasons to drive north to go to Whataburger. 

And yeah, the beaches there are glorious too. You can have a wonderful life single without some dumb man too afraid to stand up to an adult daughter. 

Olivia2020's picture

Yes, I lived in Destin then in Pensacola for several years and now in Tallahassee for the past 5 weeks. I'm looking at rentals at the beach tomorrow. Gotta get my happy back and that does indeed include Whataburger! I'm from Texas and grew up on Whataburger. I was stationed overseas for 7 years and couldn't wait to get my Whataburger fix every time I was near one! Now I'm hungry and live in the middle of the woods...no Whataburger in sight, haha!

ldvilen's picture

I'm guessing you could validate it with both B and C.  Fraud, because he didn't tell you he was already involved with another woman in a wife-like manner (a/k/a his daughter).  And emotional neglect and abuse, well. . . for obvious reasons.  One of which is expecting your dog to hold it for 10+ hours when there is a minimal to non-working able-bodied adult in the home.  

These men are so dumbfounded sometimes.  They truly think that the way to make your new wife happy is to treat your daughter like a wife and your wife like a daughter?  Unfortunately, these types of role-reversals happen far too often in step-situations.  Usually what it is is that the guilty dad was permitting or even encouraging his daughter to act more like a wife (sans sex, of course) for months or years.  Then, SM comes along, and dad thinks it is just status-quo for him and his kids, and if they and SM don’t get along, it is just "the girls" duking it out or not being able to get along.  In reality, it's that dad never should have encouraged his daughter to become his wife-substitute to begin with.

Now, DaughterWife thinks she IS the wife, with all of the authority, daddy's equality in the household, etc.  AND, DaughterWife thinks that the REALWife is some sort of interloper trying to take her place, and that REALWife should just accept that she is behind her and daddy, 3rd at best, in the pecking order.  So, now you are in a household where daddy thinks his daughter is doing nothing wrong (they love the near-incestuous relationship they have; works for them), while you, his REALWife, are supposed to be ever-happy duking it out with his daughter for the wife role.  He sees himself as truly stuck in the middle, when he was the a$$ who set it all up to begin with.

Olivia2020's picture

This evening we argued because I went into the master closet for some alone time and to cry. He follows me in there. He is so controlling...telling me to sit at the kitchen table now his DaughterWife, her bf and SD20 who is here for just a couple days...all three ignored me all day today while I was in the large living room reorganizing some things in boxes from the move. Not ONE word from any of them. I text him and told him (this afternoon) how 'sad it is that they continue this with me' and he offered to get me a hotel room out of town until they leave to go visit their mother tomorrow afternoon. He would do this instead of being a father or a husband and back me. Then he comes home and all three are out in the kitchen (SD20, DaughterWife 24 and her bf) it's all smiles and laughs with DH and he just eats up the attention.

DH keeps needling me to tell him 'what is the real problem here?' He prods me to say something and he wants me to say his DaughterWife but he jumped out to say it today ('you think it's her and it's not!') and I told him that it's HIM...I have been telling him that it's HIM and he won't believe me and continues to provoke me. I hold a professional license and he does everything possible to make me breakdown or snap to push him away from me but I will NOT lay a hand on him. He knows if I hit him (I don't do violence) that I'll lose my license. I just sqeeze past him when he corners me in the bathroom, closet, bedroom, kitchen, car, etc. He lays his hands on me and my anxiety in my gut just goes through the roof, I tell him I can't breathe and he still won't get his hands off me. Partially clothed DaughterWife struts around here knowing SHE is daddy's DaughterWife and rules the roost...she rules everything related to him. They'll be in for a rude awakening soon. I told him tonight (again) that there is NO PLACE for me here, I'll just give him and his girls what they want...me gone. He wants to 'work on our marriage' and I reminded him we haven't had one and what exactly does that look like to him? 

He's always told me that I don't put forth effort to bond with his girls...well, duh mister, how can I bond with two entitled brats that refuse to talk to me? They were happy when mommy got married to her lover and had daddy all to themselves, Of course daddy triangulated me with their mom...more sneaking around that landed on my lap by accident. But this sick bond with DaughterWife and then him fussing at me to not 'tell the girls good-night' is once again asking me to put forth effort after I've disengaged. Controlling idiot. 

ldvilen's picture

Keep in mind too, and I'm not just saying this for you but for other SMs, including myself, that it is the bio-parent's responsibility to smooth the way or even assure that there is the right atmosphere for you and his children to bond.  As you said so well, "How can I bond with two entitled brats that refuse to talk to me?"  You (and no step-parent) should be left to their own devices to try to figure out how to get along with someone else's children.  It doesn't matter if anyone thinks they are already nice or not.  It has to do with this is someone else's children raised with different boundaries.  The bio-parent is supposed to be the pathway.  Unfortunately, far too many chicken-out or just don't think that responsibility is theirs, and instead let the kids and SM "duke it out," while the po' whittle bio-parent is stuck in the middle, boo hoo.

This is actually one of the reasons why step-dads are usually more successful than step-moms.  There are several, but one of them is that BM, the woman, usually does this naturally, trying to smooth the way for her new man.  Bio-dads, on the other hand, never had to go there much with the kids, prior to the divorce.  They let mom handle all of that social business, social calendar stuff.  Now with a new woman in the household, dad expects her to take on all of that "social crap" like his ex- used to do and just make it work.  Fat chance.  Kids wind up following dad's lazy attitude about going out of their way a bit to help SM fit in.  They just see dad putting in little (if any) effort, not changing, acting like SM alone is the one who has to adjust, and go with it.  Nope.  It is bio-dad, who needs to insist, do whatever it takes, to at least assure that his kids accept SM as his wife.  They may not have to like her, but they do have to accept her role as dad's wife, and as a wife.

ndc's picture

Fraudulent acts and misrepresentation are a reason for annulment.  He made a lot of misrepresentations regarding the SD.  Had you known, you wouldn't have married him.  I'm not sure if those are the kind of misreps that will get you an annulment, but it's certainly worth a chat with a lawyer.  Is a lot of your money tied up in the house?

Olivia2020's picture

Hi, no assets of mine in the house, he bought it with inheritance money (well, he put the down payment and got loan in his name). My name is on the deed but I don't care about any of that. We got married 6 weeks ago and closed on the house a couple days prior so all of this is very new. I brought in my nice quality household furniture and everything to set up the house so I'm selling stuff online every day to really downsize. I rented a stoage unit to store some items in that he won't notice. I can't believe this. 

Yes, lots of misrepresentation. The therapist we met with made sure that the SD was to be considered a 'guest' in our home and he fully agreed several times. But she's leaving dirty or burned up pots and pans on the stove, dirty dishes, trash, and doing her laundry at 11:30pm. Every time I've asked him to talk with her he said he did but it's obvious he didn't. 

Mandy45's picture

Still has a 24 year old daughter living at home with him. We wouldnt even of made it to the church. Let alone got married. If you where having problems with the daughter before you even got married. I wouldnt have even bothered. 

Olivia2020's picture

SD moved back to this town when we moved into the house in January, she was supposed to finish her undergrad degree and graduate 1 May. She was supposed to be working full-time too since her last couple classes are super easy. Before we decided to get married and buy the house, he told me (after he and I talked several times) that he talked to her and 'everything is good, she loves you and wants us to get married.' But now the reality is that she only acts fine and normal to me in front of him.

Winterglow's picture

Why on EARTH did you let her move in with you? When newlyweds buy a home together it isn't to house an extra adult. Life is impossible with two adult women vying for the same space - you can't have two queens for one castle. It just doesn't work.

Why is she invading your love nest?

Olivia2020's picture

It was agreed upon between us that she would live in the house until she graduates on 1 May. Now the move date is June. She's telling me August or October and that's with her bf freedloading off us. Nope, deal breaker. DH won't ask her to explain what she told me, so we are getting clarity tomorrow after they return from their nice weekend at the beach. We are still unpacking. 

I am the Queen! However...she is the daughterwife that filled in when his marriage to her mom was on the rocks and after his divorce and several years into our relationship (unknown to me for a long time). The emotional incest definition describes these two to a tee. I'm out.

Olivia2020's picture

Funny! Yes, I explained to DH the last two days that I am the Queen bee here and I will NOT continue to bite my tongue when she passes by me, ignoring me and when she's dressed inappropriately. He asked if her wearing a t-shirt that goes past her shorts (underneath but not visible) and I said, '"m, yes, it looks like she's only wearing a t-shirt parading around in front of you!" 

Today I referred to her as 'princess' and he got mad at me. I told him that's a very NICE nickname for her...heaven only knows what she refers to me and I don't care. So I told him rather than 'ho bag' that she is, princess will have do to & most women would've left by now, this past 6 weeks of our married life have been hell for me. I'm looking at places to rent tomorrow. He won't change even though he swore he had these 'talks' with her before we married. Lies.

There is not love nest, wish there was, no sex, no empathy, no understanding, I'm the b-word for calling it like it is.

ldvilen's picture

I always find that to be the saddest thing about being a SM—being a clear and present scapegoat.  The bios can do the cruelest, damndest things in the name of the “initial family,” such as formally invite the bio to a family event but exclude the bio’s wife (SM), take pictures including the bio and his ex- but exclude SM, seat the bio and his ex- together and place SM elsewhere (ideally in a hole somewhere, alone), and then turn around and act like it is all SM’s fault, and no one, including clergy, judges, counselors and others supposedly representing a higher authority, does a damn thing about it. 

If any of those above were done to a non-SM, any husband’s wife, for instance, you’d have tons of people around you saying, “How dare you!?,” “What were you thinking!?,” but, because the label SM is in there too, people just think, “Oh, well,” or even, “That is what she gets for marrying a man with kids.”   Like, me wanting to act and be my husband’s wife (because I am, by the way), by his side, is somehow trying to take BM’s place!?  It is a very hard and bitter pill to swallow, and most of us have to swallow it multiple times a year, the entire time we are married to our DHs.  Some of our DHs get it and defend us (rare), some get it but are still cowards (more common), and some just don’t get it and never will (far too many).

This is why as a SM, you have to do what works for you!, because no matter what you do, someone (and believe me, there are tons of non-SMs who think they know more about how to be a SM than you do) will be there saying you're not doing it right.  Do it as you see it, call it as you see it, and don't let anyone try to second guess your judgement, including your own DH.

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

SM's for the most part will always be to blame and will always be the scapegoats to these husbands who are petrified to upset the apple cart with their Princess Daughters and BM!  GRRRR!!!!!  

Olivia2020's picture

You are so on point with being ignored or left out of pictures, meals, events, etc. It's so hurtful but BM is always the hero...no matter what damage she has caused to those kiddos or marriage to the biodad. I've been faced to clean up the emotional fallout of divorced men and don't even spend more than a second date on their drama. BM can stay on her damn pedestal while all adore her! << lots of sarcasm

ChzyBob20's picture

Echoing the annulment suggestion. Get out now, while you still can!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This man is a deeply enmeshed cake eater. He's been doing this dance with his daughter(s) for a loong time, and doesn't want the dysfunction to end. His daughters' awful behavior is merely the symptom; he is where is root of the disease lies.

He'll say anything to maintain the status quo, because he's getting everything he wants: you for adult companionship and sex, and the deep emotional connection he has with his eldest daughter. You've tried to work the problem with him, but he's only paying you lip service to shut you up. Zero progress has been made. Even if your H somehow woke up normal tomorrow, your problems would still exist. He's damaged both of his daughters with his shi!!y parenting, and you would continue to be subjected to their stunted and toxic ways. Speaking from experience, this is not something they will likely ever outgrow. 

I'm guessing the therapist you and your H saw was not well informed about emotional incest/enmeshment. Not really surprising, but be sure to ask potential new therapists if they're familiar with the dynamic. I think enmeshment is far more common today than anyone would like to acknowledge, and counsellors dealing with blended families ought to have a working knowledge of it.

You need to just fully give up on this man, take care of you, and remove yourself from the situation ASAP. Leave these people to their crazy. Accelerate your exit strategy and liberate yourself, even if that means hiring movers and requesting a Civil Standby from the Sheriffs Office.

Olivia2020's picture

You're so right...and I told him tonight that even if he woke up tomorrow thinking 'rational or normal' that his family dysfunction and his lack of parenting will not change for anyone or anything. 

I'm very aware of emotional incest and these two are the perfect example. He unloaded on me when I explained to him what it is and how he cannot have a healthy adult relationship with me or any woman with SD tied to his side with the codepedency he's created and allowed. Leave to this narcissist to triangulate us to get the attention he needs. Our therapist told him that he needs to set and enforce firm boundaries with his daughter and he nodded and 'fully agreed' and then nothing. Lip service again being the 'nice guy.' 

Thanks so much, I will definitely contact the sheriff's office (I didn't think of that) and already have a moving company. The SD has a 5 hour appointment on Thursday so I hope to get out while she's not here and he's at work. I told him I'm leaving but he'll forget by tomorrow, he's so emotionally checked out. Status quo is so true. No sex though. 

I've been on my own for almost 20 years, the move doesn't scare me and I'm financially secure with my career. 

Thanks so much!

Rags's picture

Why have you tolerated this shit show for this long?

These are Skidults you are dealing with so it will never get better. Not even if they move to another planet much less to another State.  And the real problem is their father.

Why on Earth would you think that marrying this guy would make everything suddenly better after you spent 5 years experiencing it as his GF.  Even if they leave you are still stuck with the root cause of the entire problem.

Good luck.

Olivia2020's picture

Yep, he had me fooled this time. He and I lived 3 hours apart the past two years so I avoided any contact with the SD all the while lying to me saying 'my kids love you and can't wait for us to get married' and he was pushing to get married. Shit hasn't changed now that I see him every day (rather than just him on most weekends) and I have to see SD...they both disgust me. Adios to both of them...sooner the better. 

Tomorrow I'm driving back to where I lived and will find a place to rent, already found three places to rent online. 

Thanks Rags ;-) 

 

 

Rags's picture

Take care of you and enjoy your new life.

Living well is the best revenge. Exact your revenge.

Olivia2020's picture

My pup and I piled on blankets on my bed last night and slept pretty good, we were both exhausted from the long day of moving yesterday, movers worked 10 hours (6 hours of driving round trip) bur all is good. We will walk to the beach today!

Rags's picture

I applaud your confidence and courage through all of this. Enjoy the walk on the beach with your pooch.

theoldredhen's picture

Yikes, Olivia!

I couldn't get past the fact that the woman ignored your poor furbaby, waiting at the door to answer a call of nature. Who does that? How f---ing heartless! And your husband compounds 'hobag's' flagrant cruelty by excusing the inexcusable!

What a damnable pair; they belong together. I am so glad that you have the common sense and courage to flee this mess!

Olivia2020's picture

Yep, came home this evening and SD and boyfriend returned from their weekend at the beach. They were home two hours before DH and I came home. I took my pup out and she stepped two steps in the grass and went pee. DH and I were only gone four hours (so I knew my pup was ok). It was obvious SD and her bf didn't even bother to take pup out to pee when they got back to the house. DH is trying to convince me to let SD care for my pup while I go with him out of state to see his doctors. Um, nope, nope and nope! I told him SD needs to accompany him as she doesn't have SH*T to do. My 13 yr old pup will keep getting all her care and love from me and that will not change. I'm so glad I'm not unpacked from this move! It'll be easier for the movers when I roll out!

Missingme's picture

You knew all this for 5 years before marriage and yet you still married. I just can't get past that---wow!  

Olivia2020's picture

Yes, I knew this. I'm shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders in disbelief that I believed him. During the past almost two years (we lived 3 hours apart so would see each other on weekends without his kids SD24 and SD20), he would tell me that he had the sit down talk with them (when we got back together) and 'everything is all worked out and they know that our relationship takes priority.' He was VERY convincing, treated me well, kept plans and his promises. Apparantly this crappy 6 weeks is what it took for me to see his true colors with us being together every day, especially with SD here, then that's all I need to walk without doubt, guilt or any remaining feelings...there is no love here. I'm serious, he played this out to make it work to his advantage and I see it and don't care about him & his selfish motives, I'm out. The marriage will be annuled. 

CLove's picture

ON your quick exit. Life is too short to stay in a miserable marriage.

Best of luck to you.

Id like to add that Im not one to "slut shame" a woman for dressing provacatively, but dressing that way and acting that way with HER FATHER, and he does nothing, and kisses her butt. Thats disgusting.

Good job getting your ducks in a row and leaving. Too many times I read a post where the person just found steptalk and has been in a  miserable relationship for several years. So glad this post is not one of them!

MissUSA's picture

Your situation sounds like mine a few years ago. I thought things were fine--until we got married, bought a house and SD24 moved in out of the blue. Here's somethings that I learned the hard way:

1) Don't discount your instincts. If you are weirded out by SD behavior and dress in front of her father, it is a problem. Tell him you will not live in a brothel and set some boundaries and stick to it.

2) Set boundaries in your own home. You and your DH bought a house, not you, DH and SD. She doesn't own it, she doesn't set the rules. Think about how you want your house to be, and be clear about not accepting anything less. I stopped cleaning because DH felt SD didn't need to clean up after herself. All I got was a dirty house. I like a clean home and clean kitchen. If SD cannot clean up and leave it clean after using the kitchen, then she is not welcome to cook. 

3) DH isn't as darling as you think. He gets a lot of pleasure out of playing these weird games with his SD. Either he stops, or you will have to make a choice and leave. That is how I ended the constant games and SD nudity and secret conversations, and giggling and all the other stupid crap. Demand the respect and honor you deserve as a wife. Follow God's order, husband is to honor his wife and marriage first and kids second. After SD leaves all he has is you and if he has destroyed your relationship with disrespect and distruct there will be nothing left between you. 

4) Make him stop sharing. Nothing that goes on between you two -- discussions, activities, etc should ever be shared with ANYONE else without your persmission. If he wants a close, intimate with his DD then leave him. You can't win at a good relationship with your DH if he violates your trusts and shares details with anyone, let alone his terrible kid. 

You have to put an end to this non-sense and the only way is to starts setting boundaries and kick this SD out your house now. Don't wait until June. You own this house along with him and he doesn't get to set the rules. You must do that together and get agreement between you two, then go out to others with your shared plans and boundaries. 

Good luck and put your foot down. 

Olivia2020's picture

Thank you so much for sharing your insight and experiences! I'm sorry you had to deal with it too.

DH will NOT talk to her and does not have boundaries with her. DH and I have exhausted ourselves discussing the inappropriate dress and SD being lazy, leaving a mess, etc. during the past 6 weeks of us living here.  He has done and said NOT ONE THING to her yet yells at me like a crazy man. Yes, the secret calls and convos behind my back...exactly the opposite of what he and I discuss and agree upon, he just can't help himself with her. He and SD have destroyed this sham of a marriage and it is far beyond repair. We had a talk in the kitchen last night, I initiated it, DH had such a RED face as I discussed with SD that her sexualized clothing around her father is inappropriate and unwelcome, how her ignoring me all these years was NOT resolved like DH told me (yes, I called him out, it's the TRUTH, which is what these people are NOT familiar with at all), and her continuing this ugly behavior towards me is noticed by me and will not be tolerated, and I told them that this is NOT a marriage and I cannot stay in a house where I am not welcome, where I am ignored and where DH is not manning up to take care of things that hurt and insult me. Then he tried to get cozy with me last night...because I'm the one being the man of the house? Sheesh! Oh, he announced that HE is the man of the house now...I told him I sure wish he would proclaim our marriage in such a noble manner, ha! It's all too late, he lied so much, I'm done. These two can have each other or he can be alone. I don't care. I'm glad I did have my voice last night. 

still learning's picture

So you got married and moved to a new town then moved in with him and his two grown daughters. Did you ever think that maybe there were enough women in the house already?  Sounds like an incestual episode of Sister Wives.  "Ohhhh...but it will all change when you move in." Lies ladies! These are LIES!!!

Olivia2020's picture

The SD24 is his favorite! The SD20 moved far away from the dysfunction of DH and his ex and the favoritism DH has for SD24. I see the hurt, pain and rejection in SD20's eyes when she is also overlooked and ignored (when I have seen her).

Olivia2020's picture

He was living on his own (no kids) since he was divorced 6 yrs ago. SD24 (his DaughterWife) needed to finish her undergrad degree and it was agreed between he and I that she could stay with us from January-May (when she graduates). We closed on the house at the end of Jan & got married a few days later, I moved in here early February and so it goes. The thing is, even in counseling, he agreed that he has 'talked to her about wearing inappropriate clothing around the house' and 'it won't be a problem, this is YOUR house and she needs to go by our house rules as a guest.' Several discussions and he remained constant on this. Then all that flew out the window after we married and I moved here in early Feb. Not ONCE has he stood by my side or had a talk with her with me being there...always their private little conversations that involved me...our home/house rules/behaviors/etc yet he continues to exclude me. I would tell him how disrespectful this is and he argues that this is his daughter and he will handle it. Nothing gets 'handled.' Nothing. I thought I could handle 4 months but she's not working (like she was supposed to) and does nothing all day. So as I was unpacking from the move, I'm just repacking and putting stuff in storage until I move in the next few days. SD20 lives 5 hours away in college and wants no part of any of this. I've observed her reactions and being ignored as DH and SD24 have their conversations, share ice cream, decide where to eat, where to go, what to do, etc. while SD20 and I just watch those two in their own little world! Glad I can escape the dysfunction.

hereiam's picture

I'm so glad that you are sticking to your guns and getting the hell out of there!

Olivia2020's picture

My anxiety is over the top and I wake up at night planning what I need to take when the movers come. I have a list but really don't want a lot of expenses out of pocket for things that I brought into the marriage, I'm buying a couch tomorrow to have delivered to new apartment, I don't want anything he sat his a*s or her barely covered a*s on either! 

Petronella's picture

I'm nervous for you. This situation is so very strange. Your description of his red face when you confronted him, disturbed me. I pray these few days are over quickly and your move goes smoothly! Your apartment sounds wonderful, I'm so happy for you that you're getting out! But please be very careful right now, don't antagonize them, don't give away your plans to them. Please keep us posted! 

Olivia2020's picture

I'm watching this unusual color in his face now to gauge his moods. I'll keep you all posted, thank you again!

NYCEastside's picture

You are a wonderful example to all of us on this site in how not to be a victim. You quickly saw that he had mistrpresented himself to win you and that his sick relationship with his daughter was more important than your marriage. You sized up the situation and took appropriate action. Good for you! Five years of long distance dating doesn' t tell the whole story. People hide things and are duplicitious until they get what they want. Hold your head up high and move on. Next time around, when something doesn't feel right - trust you instincts and move on.Please let us know when you're settled in. We're all here to support you.

 

Olivia2020's picture

Thank you, his relationship with SD24 is way more important than with me or any wife. Just have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue for a few more days. The anxiety is overwhelming (internally) so I'm staying focused on getting things done around the house so the less I have to think to pack when the movers are here. Hugs 

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

I've been following this thread like a sad, sick novel.  Did the movers come?  Are you and your furbaby safe???

Olivia2020's picture

Yes, pup and I are fine, It is sick, I can't make this up, I don't do drama and this is DRAMA. When I update next week life will be back to my normal...beach time, fresh air, walking my pup, working the schedule I set and cooking. The earliest the moving company could schedule the move is Thursday, two days from now.

I had to consider the timing when DaughterWife would NOT be here. Spring break week now so student SD20 from out of town and DaughterWife and her bf left today to visit their mom, over 2 hours away, so no pop-in surprise visits from therm. DH works over an hour away so I'll be on the road to my new place (2 1/2 hours away) by noon on Thursday. 

sandye21's picture

"Movers, when?"  You wrote on March 7th that you were going to look at rentals.  Shortly afterward, you found one.  So please answer this question.

Olivia2020's picture

the move is considered 'non-local' since it's 2 1/2 hours away so the moving company was able to do Thursday or Friday this week so I chose Thursday. Less than 48 hours away. 

DaughterWife is here ALL the time so I wanted to make sure she was far far away and not interfere with the movers or what I need to do to roll out of here when the movers are here! I'm packing up boxes today and putting them in the garage in easy reach of the movers to grab and load. I was in the military 12 years and moved quite a bit so I'm used to making moves go quick and smooth as possible. 

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

Gotta admit, I'm a tad jealous.  Your new life sounds so peaceful from this stephell so many of us live.  I wish you nothing but the best!  Please let us know that you get moved and all is well!  Best of luck and hugs!

Olivia2020's picture

I lived near the beach before moving here to hell 43 days ago. I have friends and support network near the place I'm moving. My onlhy family is my adult son who serves in the Air Force out of state. Thank you Wink

Olivia2020's picture

Ok, so the apartment where I'm moving is small, it will not accommodate my large armoires, new couch, leather recliner, and a large dining table. I am willing to just LEAVE it all here for him, I don't want the furniture or anything else he sat is a$$ on! I bought the nice quality furniture before I met him and really don't want it anymore after all this mess. So I text him today telling him I will leave the furniture (he will take anything free from anyone). 

Last night he blew up again and said he'll move me as far as where I moved from (3 hours away) and I took him up on it. He said he would pay the movers. He texts me this afternoon telling me he won't pay the movers since I have disability income and have sold things on-line to downsize the past few weeks so "you can use that money to move." 

Sooooo....I would rather burn the furniture than leave it to him...but the fire department would deem that crazy and dangerous! He doesn't deserve a damn thing. He earns a VERY decent salary and is nickle and diming me now. 

Stupid...silly...whatever you want to call my question...go for it! Please tell me some ideas, my brain is exhausted. 

15 hours until the movers are here, thank goodness!

 

MissTexas's picture

Come pick it up. I'd rather a vet enjoy it than this sorry bunch.

You could also donate it to a women's shelter, or residential medical facility.

FB Marketplace works really good too. Thing sell really fast on there & people come and pick it up.

There are lots of options, just DO NOT LEAVE IT FOR HIM.

Olivia2020's picture

Thank you so VERY much!! Great ideas!

xoxoxo

Rags's picture

Donate it.  Leave him with whatever he had before you upgraded his life.  Give it to a charity that can use it to benefit good people rather than leaving it to that POS;.

ldvilen's picture

Here's an evil thought. . . Diablo   Leave it there, but have the dog piss on it a time or two first!   Drinks

somethingwicked's picture

OR as a going away present for f*ckface  shove frozen fish fillets in their wrappers waaaayyy down between the sofa cushions . Once they thaw and then the wrappers leak it will be  the gift that keeps on stinking..er I mean giving.

Bomb

>:)

Drinks

Diablo

sandye21's picture

So SD has been placing her scantily clad a$$ on YOUR couch?!!!  Geez!  Do you really want to take it a new clean apartment - even if there WAS room for it?  I agree with other posters - donate it and get some nice 'fresh' furniture without the 'history' attached to it.  I'm STILL grossed out by this!  Yuck!

Petronella's picture

So... What's the question? If you don't want to take your furniture, then leave it. I don't understand why you're still discussing anything with him.

Olivia2020's picture

There were large furniture pieces that I no longer wanted because they used them. They don't deserve to have anything I bought & paid for so I wanted to know what to do with the furniture. The house was 90% empty when I left. Good riddance to all that. 

Olivia2020's picture

The movers were wonderful & we made the 10 hour day of the move with ease! 

I'll go to the nearest military base to get info/advice/referral for an annulment. 
 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Please consider making a new post to update everyone. This thread is super long.

I confess, I want more details of how the move went, what you did with the large pieces of furniture, and how your ex reacted when he came home to find you truly gone.

Onward and upward, girl! You're setting a wonderful example for members who feel stuck in steph@ll.

Winterglow's picture

Yes please, Olivia. I'm sure there are a few of us who'd like an update with all the details.

Congratulations on taking your life back!