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Manipulative hateful adult stepdaughter

Plshelpme's picture

My adult stepkids haven’t spoken to their dad since May.  (Short story they are horrible human beings)

Two weeks ago the SD texted her dad that she wanted  to have an “honest” conversation with him and wanted to call him.  His reply was that their conversation needed to be in person, not over the phone.   This did not go over well, she stated she didn’t have time to coordinate an in person talk for a few weeks.. his response was whenever she was ready - which created an awful text message saying she didn’t need him and how dare him not even apologize to her for her perception of how he acted six months prior.   He didn’t respond to the attack.   

She called last week, but didn’t leave a message.  She called tonight and left a message basically saying she had tried to call him, but if he couldn’t take the time to talk to her, she didn’t need him.  She waited about five minutes and called back, he answered.  What ensued was a half hour lecture from a 24 year old on how awful a dad he is, how jealous she is of my kids and once she got it all out of her system - it was “oh by the way, I’m pregnant and she in July”.    

Thats how she ended the call.   My husband was devastated, definitely NOT how he wanted to find out  about his first grandchild (she’s been married 4 years). 

Now comes the pregnancy hormones and the yo-yo life they drag my husband through.   

We sat down after that call and made a list of things that he could work on - for setting boundaries and how to make his life with his kids healthy - Communication being the top of the list.  His next step is to tell both kids they need family counseling.   All of this without me - I’m just the person he can come home to that is on his side.   

Their relationship didn’t get in this mess overnight and won’t get fixed overnight. 

I am just done with the hateful daughter. 

sandye21's picture

You are really playing it wisely.  You are supporting your DH yet keeping a ceratin distance back to allow him to deal with SD on his own.  Good going.

notasm3's picture

How much does he care about being a grandfather? My DH just really isn't into it.  His grandson is now 3.  When I banned SS and his GF from my life almost 2 years ago, they tried the "DH can't see the baby because he won't make his wife behave (let them use all of my belongings)".   My DH just ignored it.  Not sure what all happened, but I know DH does see the child - but not in our home. 

I.have no problem with DH seeing his son, the GF or the Gchild - as long as it doesn't involve me.  I am not a part of their life.

Plshelpme's picture

That is where I am as well.  I am totally ok with him going to them. 

We are contemplating therapy to help us through this. 

Hatersgoaway's picture

DH has 2 adult  Daughters (36, 29) I have no relationship with either one, as a result of years of rude and selfishness on their part. There have been discussions and convos regarding several issues over the years but it all comes down to the same thing. They are spoiled and enabled and I have for my health decided to disengage and rejoice at not having to have a relationship with them and made this a new condition of our marriage... which the option is, I leave. I am 64 and cannot take the pressure and wrath of his narcissistic daughters. They are takers and totally self absorbed. Have not spoken since a family gathering last summer. Story to long to tell and goes back to years of finger pointing and jealousy. They do not like father telling them when they are wrong and 1 is now giving the silent treatment to father. Have been given a long leash with a very low bar of expectations. DH afraid they would get mad so he never confronted about behavior and lack of respect. Told DH that I am disengaging from them for good and Will not talk to either. one is only interested in telling her side of story, Other is radio silence (she’s a guidance counselor-LOL) and thinks that’s the best way to get him back. I am not interested in talking. I can’t stay in this marriage with out these terms. I need peace and to care and love my adult children who are warm and caring and sensitive and know my future is going to be peaceful. As you all know, manipulate girls will always look to make trouble and pain for others so I am not feeling confident this peace will last. I also have guilt over being a wedge between DH &  his kids but they hate me anyway. I am not up to make up but after 15 years of dealing with this I know the pattern. DXW has been out of contact. I told him not interested in her either. We live in a small upstate NY town so it’s only a matter of time before we run into each other. I’m a grown woman who daily ponders if this is worth it. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your comment resonated with me due to the similarities. You said you ponder daily if it's worth it. That will depend on your DH and if he continues to pull you into the fray. I have no relationship with my SD's (both in their 40's) for the same reasons you describe. They are at their core mean girls who think it's funny to still act like they are in junior high and have someone else to put down....a stepmother is an easy target.

Why do you feel guilty? Because you exist? Just don't. It's your DH's job to manage his relationship with his DD's, not yours. 

In the end, my DH valued his marriage when he realized I was not going to play doormat like he did, and was ready to bail. Things have gotten much better the last few years. He goes to visit them (infrequently these days) and I have peace.


Hatersgoaway's picture

I feel that time not seeing SD’s has calmed me down somewhat but I still seem to dwell on the fact that they can be so mean selfish and talk such crap about me. I feel like our marriage is day to day and have overheard his daughter and him on the phone and she talks so terrible about me. I do not mention them and when he does i listen biting my tongue. I can and will not soften or loose my resolve to be totally disengaged from them both. One is radio silence since summer. Worried i will be put in awkward position when i am not expecting it as i do panic when the topic of either of them comes up. I am a very thoughtful person but i am not perfect. They have a mom and I don’t need to have any communication but i will not have them in our home if i am there. I know it’s a matter of time before one will want to see him and is it realistic that i will be out of the house on purpose? I will go to a friends or to a hotel. I feel like I’m a coward but i don’t know how to be there with this horrible animosity towards sd and I am not letting them make me upset. It’s a pattern for 15 years. 

lylamorris's picture

I think at this point of time, the support you are giving to your husband is quite appreciable. Hope time sets everything right for you and your family!

notasm3's picture

I wrote SS34 and his GF off two years ago. I do not see them, talk to him or even mention their names.     DH is free to see them away from me as long as he is not canceling any plans we have. 

It’s not been a problem. Works great. 

If DH (age 65) dropped dead I wouldn’t even call SS. 

Hatersgoaway's picture

Good for you. Do you worry that they may want to reconcile? Some people just aren’t worth it and i know my SD s are miserable self centered  humans. 

notasm3's picture

Oh my SS and his GF absolutely want back in my life. Tough. They think I just need to get over it.  I just don’t need trash like those 2 in my life. I have lots and lots of friends and relatives that I often don’t see enough of. Why should I waste my time on those 2?

the fact that SS and the GC have a DNA connection to DH is meaningless to me. DH has 4 married siblings with grown children. They are all great people that I love spending time with. 

shamds's picture

its ridiculous that they’re unacceptable pathetic behaviour turned into guilting dad for behaving unacceptably or out of line. Like a few others here posted how their skids are narcissistic manipulators and sponge off you when it suits them, so to are mine. Ss20 (almost 21) lives with us when on university breaks, sd23 & 14 live interstate, bio mum made a fake illness where she couldn’t walk, sd23 took sd14 to live with her when by law she should have contacted their dad but due to major pas aggression and bio mum kidnapping the girls since almost 6 yrs ago, hubby only had them reinitiate contact mid last year where eldest blamed hubby for destroying their mums life by divorcing her in mid 2008.

your mum was never a mother, didn’t want to get pregnant with any of the 3 kids and did her best to prevent a pregnancy, then never nurtured you but spent hubbys money like crazy as astay at home housewife except never did any housework. Hubby kept this to himself, he saw no way outas exwife manipulated him so bad and eventually my fil said to hubby, divorce her, this isn’t a life to live

so instead of taking responsibility for their actions and pathetic behaviour, its the blame game and manipulative tactics which all 3 skids do. They actually make their love and attention dependent on hubbys financial assistance to them... i am raising our 2 toddlers that they respect and appreciate their parents unconditionally for alk they do to raise them and that this is never dependenton getting pocket money/allowances so you don’t have to get off your arse and launch/become financially independent as an adult.

i’ve given up on the arguing, my stance is as long as my kids are minors, they will not be subjected to skids toxicity, hubby has told them in future they are to come to our home for visits and so-called quality family time. 5 months on and no visit, sd23 lives a few streets away from hubbys work and he offered to take her to lunch one day and its never happened. She got her current job because the deputy ceo is hubbys friend despite laughing how she sat in silence during the interview when others were way more qualified and experienced than her. She even tried getting hubby to pull strings for her cousin from mums side to work at his company despite clearly failing the interview. Bio mums family are just failures at life and sponge off others.

so for now as long as my kids are minors they will not be forced to spend time with their half sibling being completely ignored, subjected to unacceptable behaviour and treatment. Skids behaviour i don’t believe will ever change and i don’t see our kids wanting a relationship with their half siblings.

i have told my husband as long as this unacceptable behaviour and treatment is allowed, there will never be a united family as he thinks in his head is possible...i am at peace with that for now and worry about taking care of our kids and our home and hubby as best i can. Ss20 is nothing but.a guest in our home, he doesn’t behave like an integrated family member 

1 think i noticed is how dysfunctional and socially awkward the skids and exwife are and hubbys family know it. My hubbys niece and nephews really grill ss20 because they simply can’t comprehend how he treats me and our kids who are his half siblings. When you have your kids 1st cousins whom we meet maybe 3x a year at most being more affectionate and showing more attention and love to your kids than their half brother, something is wrong with that! When your kids actually jump asking in excitement for their aunts/uncles or cousins to pick them up and hug them but scream at the site of their half brother, something is wrong with that!

any body who justifies sa behaviour is just making excuses for that. Its hard to come to peace with your decisions at times but it is what it is. Don’t dwell on it and get on with life. I believe in karma and people who treat others like crap will get left behind and envy others who succeed at life but thats their own bloody fault

Rags's picture

Toxic adults are a write off.  Even when they are our children.  Their own children are sadly little more than collateral damage caused by their toxic breeder parents.

Sadly these toxic POS Skid adults use their own spawn as bait to hook any directly related or step adult stupid enough to take the bait.

While noble....the effort you are making to be supportive of your DH to engage with his toxic POS daughter is overwhelmingly likely to be for naught.  The odds of a reasonable outcome with his toxic POS daughter and her bait progeny are slim and none.  Past behavior being the best predictor of future performance...  SD will not change.  The investment in attempting to recover a relationship with her and having a quality relationship with her as yet to be born daughter will far more likely than not be for naught.