I think that is a great statement from a wise one as well!

For me, sometimes it's just the acknowledgement that I'm giving people exactly what they make clear they want - SIL and OSD have made it abundantly known to me that they don't want me in their lives - so I do remind myself from time to time to follow their lead, and respect their choice

OSD recently had surgery that didn't go well, and she is still not doing great. In the past, I would have picked up the phone and called her to see how she was doing. I would have insisted that DH & I go visit her, and help out in any way we could

But that always back-fired, from having her ignore me like I don't exist let alone showing any appreciation, to the worst - somehow that being construed as me meddling, or interfering with her time with DH, or trying to replace BM - you name it, couldn't win for trying

So now when I hear the occasional update from DH or FIL on how she is doing, I simply tell them how bad I feel for them, they must be so worried.

I don't involve myself in any way

Of course, now even this is something OSD seems to be trying to make back-fire.

Since I'm uninvolved DH has not gone to visit - even though he knows I would be fine with that - he does call and text her to see how she's doing, but she is snippy and bluntly rude to him. She's thrown the "Mom's come out to help me" card in his face too...

I do suspect she angry that DH has not done more, and of course she will assume it's me and blame me.

She will also use this as an excuse to say "my step-parents have never done anything for me" like she once said in a room full of people, right in front of my face, while there I was bent over the oven taking out her favorite appetizers, while dinner was on the stove cooking, not to mention me being the one that not only insured DH's adult daughters and their SO's were at our place on a regular basis for dinner, but I was always away in the background cooking, cleaning, serving, facilitating...everything so they could enjoy time with DH - and that was a typical example of the treatment I received in return from OSD

So, now, unfortunately for her, OSD has come to live that statement.

Can't win if I do and can't win if I don't, but since she insists on making sure I understand I'm not her family, nothing more to her DH's wife, I make sure to send the message back loud and clear that I totally get it now, and I'm fully respecting her choice!

Either way she is angry and holds it against me, but, I cease to care about that in any way any longer

I do not want to think too much about maintenance. If I am thinking about it, then how disengaged am I really? I have boundaries that I established, and I revisit those instead. They evolved a little over time into something that works for our marriage (most of the time) and me personally. I monitor my own progress....does my blood still boil when she is brought up? Is resentment declining? Is my marriage getting better? Positives in all areas, but still a long way to go.

I've told DH I fully support him having an age-appropriate with his oldest daughter. I am out. There is nothing for me to maintain. I do absolutely nothing. My last goal is to get to being supportive of DH in his relationship with OSD. I admire notasm and Echo for this. I will get there when the associated emotions are better than now.

I do not need to proactively "maintain" disengagement because I get reminders of why I am out.

I have not been FB friends with OSD for a few years, but I recently blocked her completely because I do not want to see her disrespect her father as she did when she posted a pic of BM standing in the middle of almost DH's entire family (they've been divorced for decades). OSD maintains she did nothing wrong when DH called her last week to discuss. She also said she still needed to go to counseling and this was not helping. Oh - and she wanted to know if DH and I fighting over this? Because in the past we fought over things that she was made the scapegoat for. (LOL) That was her whole reason for posting the picture. Try to trigger a fight between her father and SM. So the less I see of her and her histrionics, the better .

Disengaging means my DH sees her behavior, as what I described above, for what it is, rather than me pointing it out and him getting defensive. And best of all it means peace for me, because I have zero expectations of her.

The best thing is I know it is working. A few days ago DH told me "OSD says happy birthday." I started to respond with "a 42 year old cannot text me happy birthday directly? She has to have you tell me? She just wants you to see what a nice girl she is and that she is trying to be nice to me." But I shut up, just laughed and said "tell her thank you." My birthday was not going to be ruined discussing her intent, and DH and I went back to having fun.

I also have "talking points" in my mind in case DH ever starts encouraging me to re-engage. They are reasonable and insist on respect from OSD that I know he and I will never get, so I will never need to worry about it.

This is what is working for me now. If something comes up I will address it then, as I did with recently blocking OSD completely from FB. In the beginning my mind churned trying to anticipate what was coming. I could not live in peace like that.

My 'Maintenance of Disengagement' program is a bit easier than many on this site, as SD is not allowed in our home until she understands that I am to be respected as DHs' wife and she is willing to practice mutual respect. It is highly doubtful she will ever agree to this so odds are I won't have to put up with her B.S. again.

Normally, I do not discuss her with DH. Though the maintenance is is relatively easy for me, there are times I slip up. A few weeks ago, against my better judgement, I asked DH if he heard from SD. His eyes lit up immediately and he became animated, telling me where she lived, etc. I quickly recognized my error, let him finish what he was saying and then changed the subject. He realized I had shut down the discussion about SD and the light went out of his eyes. I felt guilty for a while for what I had done, but then reminded myself that this is a journey - not a fixed place. I am human. Three steps forward, one step back.

I only allow myself to think of SD once during the day. That's when I visit this site. I look upon it as part of the 'maintenance' program, as a reminder / reinforcement of why I am disengaged. Also, to help others before they make the same mistakes I did.

DH can visit her just about any time he wants but at the present time I am honoring her wishes and staying out of her life. Disengagement may sometimes be 'work' but it is well worth it.

"OSD recently had surgery that didn't go well, and she is still not doing great. In the past, I would have picked up the phone and called her to see how she was doing. I would have insisted that DH & I go visit her, and help out in any way we could." Diminished

I overheard DH talking to SS32 about some medical issue a week or two ago. I didn't ask. A couple of days later SS calls DH and tells him he's in the hospital. I sort of nodded and of course did not object to DH going to see him. But I didn't ask about him afterwards. (He had a staph infection on his leg and got some antibiotics.)

But in the next morning's paper a person with SS32's same name and the same age was shot (during some criminal activity) and taken to the hospital. I jokingly asked DH if that was the real reason he was at the hospital. Even though I knew from the timing that it wasn't. }:)

"A few days ago DH told me "OSD says happy birthday." Sacrificial Lamb

DH recently came home from a visit with SS32 and said "SS says hi." I literally ignored that statement, and made some other comment about what we were having for dinner or something like that. I wanted to say "Well my only message to him is for him to go eff himself." but I didn't.

I have heard it all too...she says she is sorry, she says happy birthday, she said congratulations, she said to tell you thank you..... Obviously, SHE can speak.....how convenient to tell daddeeeeee they are sooooo kind and considerate. It has nothing to do with him, or does it? LOL....just another gas lighting game they play with us.

I like what Sacrificial said, she ignored it and said nothing in response but thank you; because discussing the obvious truth would initiate an argument with DH, which is the goal of the
of the SD, most, if not all of the time.

Disengagement maintenance is basically for me; not anyone else. To begin with, I maintain my positive life by reading here every day.

Second, when I know SD or SGD are coming by, I begin disciplining my thoughts. I found if I relax, literally, it becomes second nature for me to treat these women the way they treated me for years. Ignoring SD and/or SGD really is the best way to handle them at this point.

I do absolutely nothing for them at any time, any where; it is not my nature to not be a good hostess to anyone that steps through our doors, so I have to remind myself I give nothing to these two women and their spouses. I let my DH take over the minute they appear; he doesn't offer them even a glass of water; his head is in the sand.

It amazes me how rude they have been to me for 30+ years and now think I am a bitch, because I don't fix them Sunday dinner, buy them gifts, or cater to their schedules. It has not been my problem for over 4 years now, and I find I have my peaceful life back again.

There are days I slip; my mind begins to think too much; that's when I again begin my disengagement maintenance with my thought process.

I simply live by... I can not care more then her parents and she's not my child.

Once bitten twice shy,

The struggle and questioning myself was while I was engaged and being treated like shit- I felt perfect calm and relief once I disengaged. No maintenance needed.

Of course, I didn't have a forum back then or even know there was a term for what I did. I just knew that I couldn't keep putting myself out there to be used and disrespected over and over. Once I made the decision to disengage, there was no backsliding or second-guessing because it felt SO RIGHT. I was actually happy and a pleasant person again, haha!

I think the key for me was not caring what anyone else thought and concentrating on my well-being.

I, like Sammi and Sacrificial, along with so many others here...think back to when I was not liked the same when my sweetness overfloweth to make the impossible work; there was never any real change --because it never worked; I was living in my"own" fantasy world... The reality is that now I am not wasting my money and resources on them.

I tell myself I am excluded, so I will be, that includes my time, money and emotion; I will be with those who care about me.... I do not like it had to come to this; but for me, it is what it is..my progress has been slow, but ST and people out there in my same position helped me build confidence. I know I am moving in the right and only direction now...:-)

"Maintenance of disengagement" hmmmm. I don't give either birthday or Xmas gifts any more, not for the last few years. The last gift I gave was on SD22's 18th birthday. They never acknowledge my birthdays, so now they are adults, I ignore theirs.

I choose not to go to any of their significant events eg graduation, elder SD's drama (lol) productions.

I am civil to them on the very rare occasions (twice a year?) that they come here for a meal. The rest of the time, DH meets them for coffee or lunch.
Having been forced by my DH (on pain of divorce) to friend them on Facebook, I never like any of their stupid entitled, narcissistic posts. I just ignore them.

I would like to add some thoughts on disengagement; I also quit giving gifts to some of my family members, because they never acknowledged or thanked us. They acted as if they were entitled. When they graduated from high school, turned age 18, or whatever came first, I used the "emancipation" as an out. I give greetings on their social media and that is it.

So guess this is a type of disengagement also; I feel better now and don't feel obligated to my family either. At first I felt guilty, as I had always given gifts to them as young children; but I have since lost any guilt and they do not feel obligated to exchange Christmas with us.

DH is in charge of his family, so I'm totally disengaged from it all; without any hard feelings from my family. Freedom!

I have banned my partner's son from my home...I know he has been there on occasion but the SMELL!!!!!!!

In respect of his daughter and granddaughter, when they visit, I tend to stay in a different room from them as they STINK also.

I basically tend to keep a distance and I have told my partner that I have disengaged from his kids (the ones in the UK). They know their behaviour was bad.

My grandchildren have since told me that the daughter was stealing cutlery and towels from my home and putting them in a big bag she carries around. I can't do anything about the cutlery but the towels I have moved upstairs. If she professes to be a Christian, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL!!! My partner thinks his kids do not do any wrong. I accept my kids are not perfect but my partner 2 kids show him 1 face and me another. I have informed my partner that once his son's lies are exposed..I will have something to say to him about his worthless son......

My partner's son now has nowhere to hang out and disrespect...I do not miss him or want him anywhere near me. I was not at home yesterday during the day and was informed by my grandchildren that the daughter and granddaughter turned up and they STANK again......anyone got a gas mask going spare????

The son is now parking himself at the neighbour's house across the road...I think they are fed up of him as well but due to their friendship with my partner, may feel obliged to accommodate the son.

Disengaging is good as it is not violent. By ignoring the person and refusing to have them in your home is like reverse psychology..if the mickey-taker(s) analyse their own behaviour, they will know why they are not wanted... If my partner's son wants to contact his father when across the road, he has to phone his dad and meet him away from the house Eye-wink .....I am laughing at the whole situation and he must feel SHAME about the fact that I have welcome his friends at my home as they are respectful, but do not want HIM there.

I was informed by a very reliable source (I don't ask about my partner's son..THEY TELL ME)that the son had nowhere to take the latest flame and had to engage in conjugal relations in an alleyway a few days doors away..he could NOT come to my house and he could not take the latest girl to the neighbour's house....I was splitting my sides when told but I cannot tell my partner what I know.

The daughter I speak to very little, we are civil to each other now but THAT'S IT... My partner does not know that she was once engaged in the business of 'professional conjugal relations' and I ain't telling him because he states that his kids are perfect.... it ain't worth it.

Have a good evening folks.....if you feel disengaging is right for you, DO IT...

�

See no evil,hear no evil, speak no evil.......

Update...I have heard from the same reliable source that someone told my partner's son about his BAD BODY ODOUR ...boy did I laugh!!!! I would have loved to be a fly on that wall...

The same reliable source also told me that my partner's son used to have women in my home when I was not there and my partner had popped out, having s*x in my front room and disrepecting my home. The reliable source cussed my partner's son very badly....

My partner has always believed that the sun shines out of kids backsides. I am so Fed up his kids i.e. the 2 that are in the uk. Basically I can't stand them...

My partner's son now knows that he is PERMANENTLY BARRED from my home as the direspect from him was too much. I am glad that he does not come to my home and HATE him with a vengeance.

My partner did not know what has been happening on tbat occasion but had caught his son having s*x with a girl in my front room, on a previous occasion.

I told the reliable source to tell her mother what has happened and then the mother could break it to my partner.

Anyway I am just waiting until the blinkers come off my partner...and then may call it a day...... .. those stupid kids are 39 and 30...

Update...I have heard from the same reliable source that someone told my partner's son about his BAD BODY ODOUR ...boy did I laugh!!!! I would have loved to be a fly on that wall...

The same reliable source also told me that my partner's son used to have women in my home when I was not there and my partner had popped out leaving him there, and then when my partner was out of the way the son would be having s*x in my front room with a number of girls and disrepecting my home. The reliable source cussed my partner's son very badly....

My partner has always believed that the sun shines out of his kids backsides. I am so fed up of his kids i.e. the 2 that are in the uk. Basically I can't stand them...

My partner's son now knows that he is PERMANENTLY BARRED from my home as the disrespect from him was too much. I am glad that he does not come to my home and HATE him with a vengeance.

My partner does not know what had been happening on that occasion but had caught his son having s*x with a girl in my front room, on a previous occasion.

That would explain the nasty smell when I came home from work and the disappearance of things,cups,cutlery, towels and groceries for my home, as the son would also feed his cronies using the food I bought and paid for...

Well the son has to find someone and somewhere else to leech from.... I am aware that a friend he was trying to leech off, asked him for rent and he got offended.

I told the reliable source to tell her mother what had happened and then the mother could break it to my partner as my partner believes I am vindictive towards his adult kids. His son has lied so much about me to his father but I have seen his kids lie on me. They have also stolen from me on previous occasions. The daughter also stole various items from my home. They do NOT have a key to my home.

Anyway I am just waiting until the blinkers come off my partner...and then may call it a day...... .. those stupid kids are 39 and 30...