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Made a Breakthrough Today....

Overit2018's picture

So--I finally sat DH down and made him LISTEN to me. I framed how I was feeling in a new way that he would better understand where I was coming from. I explained to him that SD has not taken enough classes to transfer to the main campus, (I actually checked-it's right there in black & white on the website), therefore she WILL take some summer classes to make up for it so she can make the move to the main campus. There will be no "summer break" where she can hang out and just work and sleep in her free time. Nope. I also let him know that since we are planning to look at houses soon, she MUST take these classes and get ready to move on to campus or an apartment. He had no idea she was not taking enough credits (shock!) and I told him he needs to sit her ass down and point blank ask her what her goal is for being here because it seems like right now she's more interested in her job than she is in school. I told him the whole reason for her being here was to go to school and she has shrugged off countless letters from the University, open house invitations, and even scholarships, and that something isn't right. Again he agreed and did admit that he noticed how she has been blowing it all off. 

He is going to call BM this week and find out if she's been talking to her first and find out where her head is. Then, he's going to tell her she will enroll in these summer classes to get the credits so she can make the transfer. He said he will also let her know we are planning on buying a home after summer and she must make a decision on what she wants to do. I feel so much more relief because he completely agreed with me and actually finally realized that he saw what I've been seeing-he just never wanted to admit it. He truly had no idea she was behind in credits, and now he can she has been stalling. I told him the reason is that she is too comfortable here and doesn't want to move out and branch out of the nest. She has GOT to focus on school and determine what she is doing here because if she doesn't want to continue, she needs to go back home to mom. She cannot live here forever doing nothing in terms of the education because again, That's the REASON she came here supposedly in the first place.

He is going to try and sit her down tomorrow. I told him he has got to be the "mean parent" and stop being her friend! Otherwise, (and I actually said this), she will be living with you till she's 30 and you'll be divorced.

Wish me luck that he gets something from her soon and puts a fire under her ass. 

tog redux's picture

Good for you! And good for DH for not just saying, "YOU HATE MY KID!", but listening to his wife and taking action (hopefully).

Momof2Girls's picture

Good for you! Much relief I am sure. I wish I could get my SD who has no social life to move the hell out! My H and I did talk briefly last night that she is thinking about looking at schools further away for her bachelor degree. Let’s pray she moves out for fall 2020 semester!!! 

 

Baby steps hopefully your SD moves out this summer

Overit2018's picture

Thanks guys! I will say hubby is an awesome man and I love him dearly. We rarely if ever argue and when we do, it's small spats over SD due to my complaining, so I am glad he let me sit down with him (outside of the house) and voice my concerns. There are several pros and cons to this situation now, and I am actually more worried about how the rest of it plays out. It KILLS me that she literally is short by only a few mere credits so she could've already been ready for the transition by now but because DH and BM didn't stay on her ass and check to make sure she was on track, she casually took on a lighter course load, and I knew it the whole time. That means I have to deal with her for the summer, which was NOT what I wanted but I will at least take this as a wakeup call for my husband and SD that a plan needs to be put in motion.

I am really worried she is going to feed him some BS and some excuse and then he will retreat backward and let her take over the conversation. He did wholeheartedly agree with me today and he is worried she's more focused on making money at work and not her education. I told him to frame it that way and just pretty much tell her, she is here for SCHOOL and she WILL complete the required credits this summer. No downtime, no "break". End of discussion. I am just concerned she will know (I know she already knows) that part of this is coming from me, and she'll start acting weird or giving me attitude. I doubt it, but I just don't know how she will take it.

I really think she assumed no one would say anything and she'd literally sit here all summer and another whole college year with no one saying a word. If I hadn't spoken up, I guarantee you that is what would've happened, and I would sit here swallowing my feelings and my frustration, with nothing changing until I snapped.

To anyone reading this going through something similar: If your spouse is really YOUR partner, speak up and tell them how you feel about a situation before it's too late. If I waited much longer she'd already been past the summer and into a whole new semester and an entire new school year, still with no plan. 

There's no guarantee for what will happen next after our conversation, but at least DH and I are on the same page now, and I hope things start to change so there's at least a timeframe and we can get on with our lives...

Overit2018's picture

So DH talked to BM this morning and pretty much told her we wanted SD out as soon as possible. Apparently, BM was "taken aback" at this shocking revelation... According to her, SD had a plan to stay here for two full years and then transfer, which was NEVER relayed to us. The school offers a transfer program after one year which explains why she is stalling--her plan was to sit here for two years, not one. BM told DH that SD told her she could tell we were over it and wanted her out (I know she can sense my annoyance with her) but that was about it, which tells me that even though she knows it, she had no plans to do anything about it. Surprise!!

Instead of DH talking to her, he said BM is going to talk with her, which means probably not much will change. We will see. I have a feeling I will look like the bad guy here since everyone knows it's really me who wants her gone, even though it's unspoken. Oh well. He did tell her she has no life and no friends, and I thought that was something BM was concerned about from the get-go anyway, so you'd think BM would help put a fire under her ass. We shall see, but it's 50/50 right now. The worst part is DH is sulking now like he feels guilty even though he basically told BM we want her out ASAP. I told him NOT to frame it that way but instead to say he was concerned about SD's goals and plans in regards to blowing school off. Instead, he tells BM we just want her to move out, so I worry that it will eventually sow seeds of resentment towards us. Nothing I can do about that I suppose. At least some of it makes sense now: Everyone except DH and I assumed that SD was planning to only be here a year, and when we realized she was behind on her school credits, it raised alarms to just me since I am the only one paying attention apparently. Will update again if something happens today.  

sandye21's picture

"I have a feeling I will look like the bad guy here since everyone knows it's really me who wants her gone, even though it's unspoken."  So what?!!  You wrote that you are worried SD will hold some sort of resentment towards you.  YOU should be the one who is resentful!  It's not you, it's SD.  She was not honest at all.  There is a lot of difference between one year and two years.  I'll bet if she had made an effort in college you would have been OK with staying for that extra year.  We have all been there - where something just doesn't add up and it grates on us until we find out what the problem is.  Ask almost anyone who has supported an adult who was lying to them so they can get free room and board, and you will find someone who is resentful of being misled.

My Nephew did this to me 14 years ago.  He and his Mother assured me he wanted to straighten his life out, he was no longer taking drugs and he was going to get a job.  After a couple of weeks we realized he had no intention of doing anything except sleeping in until 3 pm each day and laying around.  Also, that he had taken drugs.  Then he lied to his Mother that I was abusing him.  To this day he and his Mother do not speak to me and are resentful.  I get the blame because he's a loser today.  But I've found it's a plus.  And I'm not sorry at all.

Think of it - do you really want someone - anyone - living under your roof who is using you?

Overit2018's picture

You're absolutely right! The end goal is to get this girl moving on and out and if I am the "bad guy" then so be it. And yes, she and BM both lied or basically neglected to be upfront about the plans. When she first moved here all she could talk about was the main campus and these cool student apartments and this and that.. as time went on, she stopped even mentioning it at all! Once she got her job, that took a front seat and school took a back seat. That was the moment I realized that something was up and she was comfortable here with no more plans to do anything about. And NO I definitely do NOT want her or anyone else under my roof for that matter other than my husband so in the end it's just fine with me if I am demonized ;) 

Rags's picture

The good news is that you an DH seem to be far more aligned now that you have initiated the discussion.

Even young adults need to be held accountable for their actions, or inactions as the case may be.

Keep DH's focus on following through on this. One come to Jesus discussion with him is likely not enough to resolve the issues and gain the desired result that you are looking for.

Good luck.

StepUltimate's picture

"I really think she assumed no one would say anything and she'd literally sit here all summer and another whole college year with no one saying a word. If I hadn't spoken up, I guarantee you that is what would've happened, and I would sit here swallowing my feelings and my frustration, with nothing changing until I snapped."

I could have written the exact same thing about my SS19. Only I'd actually overheard him saying he planned to take a year off before going to Community College. Helllllll no.

The Launch Plan WORKS, gotta use it & stick to it because it works. 

Overit2018's picture

Yes indeed! Just found out that BM talked to her briefly, did not mention her and DH's conversation but told SD that she's coming to visit this summer and give her her car (that was actually a plan anyway--everyone has just been putting it off) and they would go together to look at the campus... wait for it "before she registers for classes there in August". I am not thrilled about the fact that I have to sit here and deal with her another summer, but at least now there is some kind of end in sight. DH told me we should still look at houses & not let her deter us, but I really would almost prefer her long gone before I get into that or else she'll end up there and get comfortable again!!!! 

StepUltimate's picture

... never once living in the new place. The new house will be adults-only, drama-free, clothing-optional, fun FUN FUN!

Harry's picture

SM are always evil. It SM fault for everything.  It’s even SM fault that BM cheated. SM fault it raining, snowing or the sun is out 

marblefawn's picture

Your husband allowing BM to handle the conversation with SD isn't a good sign. Why can't he talk to his own kid about her future? Why must BM negotiate SD's relationship with YOUR household?

Relying on BM, who naturally has her own interests in mind, was the usual duck and cover of a guilty parent who doesn't want to step up.

Of course he's happy to let you women duke this out with SD. And you're right: you will look like the bad guy because your husband took himself out of the mix to preserve his own skin.

Some things never change.

sandye21's picture

Ya, Just wondering what your DH has actually discussed with SD?  There's no denying that SD is slacking in her college studies.  All DH had to do is communicate with the college like you did.  But he didn't.  He's recruiting BM to find out where SD's head is at.  He could do this himself.  But he won't.  He's on the periphery, pulling all the strings, and everyone else is doing his job for him. 

Believe me - I know this man well.  Non-confrontational and trying to look like the good guy while throwing everyone else under the bus.  I did all of the 'heavy lifting' with my SD while DH slithered along, manipulating both of us from the sidelines.   But I found it was worth it  for me to be viewed as the bad guy - initially.  Otherwise I would have waited till hell froze over for DH to personally take any action.

If this were me, I'd take your DH up on looking for houses now.  It might be the only 'indirect' way he can get her out of your house.  It will give you the opportunity to insist she is not moving into your new home. That way he can blame it all on you.  You are already the bad guy.  As I wrote before, at this point in time, "Who cares?"

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

DH needs to reiterate what his daughter's deadline is for moving out. It shouldn't come from just BM in terms of school and transferring. Because if SD messes up, DH still needs to have conveyed when SD must be living on her own. He needs to tell her now, not after you buy a new house.

And I second going to look for a new house - go enjoy it.

Overit2018's picture

Thank you, everyone, for your helpful advice and you're all 100% right: DH doesn't ever want to be the "bad guy". BM called SD yesterday and after their conversation, suddenly she's all fired up and excited about transferring to the school in August. She actually realized that she's been worrying too much about work and that she needs to enjoy and live the college life, so I admit it-I will give her and BM credit for whatever went down. On the flipside, it kind of ticks me off because I have been beating the drums in her head for months saying things like "You really need to live on campus so you can make friends" or "Wouldn't you be happier in an apartment or in the dorms with friends?" and she'd always basically ignore me. BM says it and BOOM! Like magic, she's pumped to transfer. I guess the end result is all that matters and it's clear she doesn't give a crap what I say, but hey, I will take it. She registered for the open house and DH did mention to her like 4 times yesterday "You really need to make sure you have enough credits" so she HAS HAS HAS to go and confirm that first. Period. I am happy but not completely because I won't be satisfied until I hear she's been accepted and registered for those classes on the campus about 1.5 hours away. The other downside is I am sure she will want to stay with us on breaks and holidays. Hoping she ends up loving it there and just pays short visits instead.... What kills me is, if I hadn't brought this up, NO ONE ELSE would've mentioned it and she'd just be working and living here like it's nothing. She said she was not happy here and she realized she's been too concerned about the job and not her education, so that is a positive thing. 

Rags's picture

This is my marriage in a nutshell.

My bride is a conflict avoider.  She avoids conflict until it starts to permiate her life... and our life together.

I make recommendations, outline remedial actions that should address the issues, etc, etc, etc

Nope. I get the "look". Then some time later she comes home and says "Do you know what XYZ LMNOP at work thinks?".  Then prodeeds to outline everything I have been recommending for an extended period of time.

I make a smart assedly supportive comment like "Wow, XYZ LMNOP is brilliant!"  I usually get smacked... playfully of course.

Eventually she takes the steps to confront the issues that are bothering her and invariably it turns out to be far less tense to address than she had built it up to be.

I hope that your DH will come to an epiphany on addressing issues rather than avoiding them much more quickly than my bride tends to.

Good luck.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Considering that she kept from you the fact that she planned to be there 2 years vs 1, I'd insist she leave NOW. And when BM calls telling you what a meanie you are...don't answer or give yourself the satisfaction of hanging up on her midsentence.