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Losing my mind

tcsaine's picture

Our household is a chaotic mess. My SO and I have a 10 year old together. My 20 year old son, his 27 year old son and his 25 year old pregnant daughter (along with her 5 year old son) also live with us. My 20 year old is a full time college student and works part time. He stays gone as much as possible to avoid the drama. The 27 year old has no ambition to do anything but lay on the couch all day. He occasionally does add jobs to buy his beer. My biggest complaint is the 25 year old daughter. She has stolen thousands of dollars worth of items from us, has been to jail and is currently on probation with a good possibility of returning to jail. Her actions have caused an investigation by child protective services as well as countless other issues. She is lazy, manipulative and mean to everyone including her own child. She does little to take care of her son so I end up doing about 80% of the parenting of him. My youngest son is afraid of her and often talks about how mean she is. If I had the funds, I would pack up and leave but I haven't been working and have no savings. I also don't trust SD in our house alone. I am truly losing my mind.

hereiam's picture

Why are you letting lazy, disrespectful adults, live with you? Give the 27 & 25 year old a deadline to get out.

tcsaine's picture

Their dad allows it to continue. If it were up to me things would be different. 

ndc's picture

Why are the non-student adults living with you?  Does your husband want them there?  Has he established a date by which they need to be out? 

tcsaine's picture

He complains but never established any deadlines. I truly believe I will be gone before they will 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Oh HELL no! Adults that can and should support themselves DO NOT mooch off parents. And parents DO NOT allow that! 

This is a deal breaker for me and my SO and I have talked about this in great lengths and agree. College students with part time job, fine. Life altering event, fine you get 6 months to figure it out. Other than that our door is closed to adult children. Period. 

tcsaine's picture

As long as they are getting free rent and food I guess they have no reason to leave. I am grateful my son has a plan at least. He can’t wait to graduate and move on

ndc's picture

Have you discussed your unhappiness with the chaos in your home and the adult skids with your husband?  I'm assuming yes, but what's his response?  Does he know you're ready to leave over it?  I'd probably start making my exit plan, while at the same time trying to get your husband to kick the freeloaders out so you don't need to use it.  Could you get a job and start saving?  Would you be able to support yourself and your 10 year old with what you'd be able to earn and the CS your husband would have to pay?  One would hope that the prospect of losing his wife and young son would motivate your husband to deal with his older children, but I see over and over that it doesn't happen that way.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I feel so sorry for your ten y.o. growing up around slackers and criminals because you choose to stay there. It sounds as if you need to get back into the workforce ASAP.

tcsaine's picture

There’s more to the story than I shared here. I don’t “choose” to stay in a situation that is not good for my child.  It is not as simple as just moving out. If it was I would’ve done so already 

marblefawn's picture

All you can do is convince your husband it's time for them to go and then talk him through how the discussion must go, which includes a deadline for them to be out. I believe the key is to never let them in, but that horse is obviously out of that barn.

Use whatever nonsense you must to make the argument: the house is too small, the bills are too big, you want a room for your basket weaving, you don't want the noise and mess of a baby, SS is not doing well with the drama (this is probably not nonsense at all)... If you don't start today, they will never go. And I'd get the pregnant one out before that kid comes or you'll be stuck with them forever.

Before I married, I made an agreement with husband that SD would never live with us. However, she did have trouble launching in other ways. I emphasized "the natural order of things," which is for grown kids to move on financially, emotionally, and in your case, physically. I emphasized that this is for SD's own good -- so she isn't stunted and codependent all her life. I tried not to bad-mouth SD, only emphasize that it's not healthy or normal for grown kids to rely too much on parents who won't be there forever -- they must establish credit, employment history, rental history, self reliance because that's what adults need to make it in this world when their parents are gone.

I'm afraid this is about your only hope of getting this crew gone.


Rags's picture

Adult aged children who are not either developmentally/physically disabled or in school full time and working at least part time do not live at home.  PERIOD!!!!

My SS-25 took a number of months to launch after he graduated from HS at 17 and then turned 18 a few months after graduation.   We gave him a summer on our dime with a generous allowance to decompress after graduation and before his 18th birthday.  But our message was clear.... he was either in school and working part time or working full time or he was out.  Nope, he tested that boundary and... lost.  Not that we kicked him out.  We just turned him into our beck-and-call-boy/chore bitch and worked that kid's ass off.

He scrubbed, mopped, swept, vacuumed, dusted, washed, dried, folded, put away, scraped, painted, brushed, weeded, mulched, edged, mowed, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, prepped, cooked and cleaned up and when he was done with all that we added more to the list and he started it all over again day in and day out for months.  We worked his ass off until he enlisted in the USAF on delayed entry and we kept working his ass off until he reported for BMT 4mos after signing up.  For that work he was allowed to eat,  have a roof over his head, and not cook in the heat or freeze in the cold.  If we went out.. he went with us, if we traveled for vacation he also went with us. Otherwise he was working his butt off.

Our son spent a couple of days locked out of the house when his mom and I left for work when he failed to do his daily chores the day before.  Once when it was hot as hell and once when it was cold.  He never pushed that issue again.  A day outside in the heat and humidity without food and not  understanding that that green thing coiled on the wall on the side of the house was a water  hose with drinkable water (he was shocked that water from a hose was just as drinkable as bottled water... but as they say... that is another story) and another day wrapped in his bed comforter on the back porch on a cold day was enough for him to gain clarity.

It is YOUR home.  Time to call the locksmith to put a key pad lock on all exterior doors and only minor, disabled or student/employed adult spawn get a code. 


SugarSpice's picture

its so nice to hear it when parents can stand together with a set of balls.

my dh was blackmailed by his adult children.  when they snapped he jumped and then would crawl over and ask what they wanted and how he could serve.  i felt so embarrassed for him.  i wish dh could have followed your lead.  life would have been so different for us.

amyburemt's picture

I want to share with you a different perspective on things like this. I am an older sibling of a brother who did pretty much the same thing and then some. He became a drug addict, in/out of rehab for years, in/out of jail. My parents took him back in each time. He had a son, lost custody of the son to the bio mom. I have 3 sisters, who, over time felt like their younger years were robbed because so much time and chaos was present in their lives as they still lived at home. They were good students who went on to college and lead normal lives. During all of this, my brother literally stole thousands and thousands of dollars from my parents. It wasn't just cash, it was items that he pawned, it was credit card theft. He ripped our family apart. Your SO needs to get these people out of the house. They are adults, time for them to enter the adult world and support themselves. Time to implement some tough love. Your ss needs a deadline. He is perfectly capable of either working, going back to school, or joining the military. Your sd needs a reality check and to be a better parent to her children. She's obviously choosing a life of crime over her children. Maybe a good stint in jail with no one bailing her out will change her viewpoint. Or she may face losing her children. If she is mean to your son, not doing anything at home, and stealing from you, time to kick her to the curb. It doesn't mean the child has to go, but she does. It's time to have a heart to heart with your SO. Time for this to stop before it destroys your family, destroys your marriage, and destroys your health.

Rags's picture

I had to implement this philosophy many times when I was a restauranteur.  "Sir/Ma'am you are welcome to stay but the disruptive member(s) of your party must go now."  Funny how the reasonable people in any group will get the idiots under control when public humiliation is served as the result of the idiot in the party being brought under control.

In other words for the OP's situation ....  "DH, the GSkids are welcome to stay but their mother is out.... NOW!"