Lord have mercy.
Hello there,
I have posted a few times on this site, which has proved a wonderful sounding board. My OH has full custody of his children, 14, 15 and 3 adult children, ALL of whom live with him. No contact with bio mum. I recently moved out of the home I shared with him and my bio daughter 5 as the stress of living with adult children was causing me lots of upset, his eldest daughter has severe depression and appears to take her anger out on me, I think this maybe due to her relationship (or lack of) with her Bio mum. OH and myself have remained together but i never go to his home due to not feeling welcome. He will visit me for 20 minutes a day at my house which isnt really a real relationship we spend no time together as he has all his children to tend to (especially his depressed daughter). I have tried in the past to get along with his daughter and settle our differences but she appears to just simply dislike me. I have recently ended the relationship after 8 years with my OH as he needs to focus on his poorly daughter. I just cant help feeling resentful and angry as we both love each other dearly and neither of us wanted this but something had to give. Has anyone been in a similar situation or can offer we guidance or reassurance that ive done the right thing.
Many thanks.
India
I think you have done the
I think you have done the right thing. If he has 3 adult children all living with him, in addition to two school age kids, then there seems to be a problem with launching and also inappropriate boundaries, I would suggest, on his part, given that he has no time for you because he needs to spend his time "tending to them". Even a 14 and 15 yr old need to be establishing increasing degrees of independence, and transferring some of their emotional needs to peers and away from parents.
20 minutes a day, well personally I would not call that much of a relationship and can understand that you feel short changed. Personally in your position, I think I would be reassessing the future and maybe moving towards dating other people.
Thank you Kes, I really
Thank you Kes, I really appreciate your reply.
Sometimes love is not enough.
Sometimes love is not enough. You shouldn't sacrifice your well being (or your child's) on the alter of step-life. Sometimes it just doesn't work due to previous relationship baggage not being kept in check. Depression is not an excuse for treating someone like crap. Your OH should not have let his adult daughter treat you like crap. Good for you for not putting up with it.
Clearly your OH is just going to support his ADULT children as long as they want; even if it means the end of his relationship. And it's not just you... it will be anyone he tries to have a relationship with.
Ending the relationship now hurts, I am sure. But once the dust settles and you start clearing the constant stress and turmoil from your life you will be so glad you made the decision!
Not certain what you mean by adult children
If they are 18-22 and in college, many people would expect them to live at home, if only on school breaks, but if she is taking her anger out on you, he should have dealt with that. It sounds difficult to me. As to where to go for now, 20 minutes does not sound good to me. I think you have to figure out how to move on
Sounds like, as someone else
Sounds like, as someone else said, Love is not enough.
You don't say how old the adult skids are, and you only mention one of his kids being difficult. I'm going to hope that the adult ones are under 23 or so, and at least working or going to school full-time, and are decent kids. One at least has some mental health challenges which does make it harder on a parent. BM isn't around, so your SO has to carry the load of all the parenting, and young adults have become more challenging to raise parent these days.
So perhaps he's just still too busy with child-raising to be in a relationship (rather than just being a lousy parent like so many of the men described on here).
His adult children are 27, 25
His adult children are 27, 25 and 23.
OK, nope. 27 and 25 need to
OK, nope. 27 and 25 need to move out. Can't imagine living with parents at 27.
"His adult children are 27,
"His adult children are 27, 25 and 23."
Oh dear. He DEFINITELY has a problem.
he sure does have a problem
he sure does have a problem haha xx
You are avoiding your own
You are voiding your own life and future for “20mins a day”.
Why waste your life on this failed parent and his shallow and polluted past relationship gene pool?
Move on. Live your life. Leave him to sacrifice himself to his prior relationship breeding experiments. More importantly, do not sacrifice your young daughter’s life to this shallow and polluted gene pool.
You’ve done the right thing. All that is left to do right is to end it completely.
IMHO of course.