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Let’s play the game that they’ve always played

Louisvillegoomba2020's picture

I look back at the years and how much my three bastard stepkids ruined and made years of my life miserable they're adults now and still cause trouble whenever they're around I really hate them I think it's time to take the gloves off and hurt them for all of the bs they caused especially since they're adults and still choose to think it's funny to cause fights n trouble F them I want to hurt their feelings bad and cause them pain it's long overdue,, who's with me what's some good ideas for some sneaky behind the. Back shit like they like to do? It's time I'm ready to play 

Rags's picture

Revenge, other than living well can be detrimental to you. So ... I do not recommend it.

However, I would recommend adopting a full confrontation zero tolerance bare their asses model going forward.  Get a killer shark attorney whose letter head brings terror to anyone who receives an envelope in the mail with their logo on it.

Cease and desist notices, get in their face when they get nasty, highlight their current and historic toxic crap to their father in front of them when they get nasty going forward.

Learn to interface with them with nothing but disdain and the "you're and idiot" smirk.  To successfully execute this model you have to have zero care about them other than confronting and ending their shit. Beyond that, you just cannot care. At all. Period. Dot.

This worked well for us in dealing with my SS's SpermClan.  It took time but my DW learned that they could only be dealt with from a position of bringing the pain and misery for any deviation they may have made from reasonableness.

Plan your strategy, work the plan, tolerate zero bullshit, and bring the pain going forward while incorporating their shit behavior past to bare their asses going forward.

And have fun.

 

Diablo

The Neverending Story's picture

I'm sorry it's like that for you...you sound beyond hurt and mad. 

I personally never found getting revenge to be successful. It's not really something I'm good at, like to do or even can feel good about. And deliberately hurting someone else always feels wrong. Makes me no better than them.

What hurts me doesn't even seem to rub my exH or exSDs the wrong way. And ultimately if my own conscience didn't get the best of me, how the situation could then escalate in such terrible ways would. One way or the other it basically would bite me in the ass if I went after someone.

I never felt hatred for another person until exSD's were in my life. But then realized that while I didn't like how they lived or used us or treated us, their father failed to address those issues. I shouldn't hate anyone or give them that much power over my emotions, but exSD's only did what exH allowed. ExH not only allowed their crap he then manipulated, lied, twisted everything with me to comply with whatever he wanted. He'd lay on the guilt, gaslight me, etc. It was awful putting up with his grown kids. It was a spirit crusher to have my husband act like I was wrong for being upset or expecting anything else. 

How about modifying the relationship with them? Disengaging? A good therapist to help you work thru the hurt and anger and ways to not let it demolish you? 

 

tog redux's picture

The best revenge is living well - in other words, no longer letting them get to you or giving a crap about them.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree focusing on living your best life is it's own revenge. I know BM obsesses about me. She spends all day bad mouthing me to SKs, her other kids and whomever else will listen. It must be exhausting to carry around so much jealousy and hate.

I on the other hand I would never have wanted to get to know someone like her before SKs and I certainly don't care to know her now. I just had to work on acceptance that she controls SKs and that they are her minions. I had to accept that SO is a weak parent who functions on guilt parenting and emotional blackmail from SKs.

Once I came to peace with my reality I just live my life accordingly. As far as SKs go they choose to harbour anger and resentment towards me over the imagined slights BM creates. Thats fine by me it's Thier choice to be angry and miserable all the time. I am not going to let them bring me down.

I will be damned if I am going to allow it to effect me or my relationship with DS. I will be damned if I would ever allow another person to hold me hostage emotionally the way SO allows. Because of Thier relationship with SO they believe they are more powerful than they really are. 

SKs also get the privilege if watching me live my best life while they sit around being miserable and angry. They will eventually figure out they have no power over me and Thier emotional blackmail only works on SO, because in the real world other people DGAF.

They are truly delusional believing it causes me hurt and pain that they tell me they don't like me, I'm not Thier mother, blah, blah, blah. 

Guess what the feeling is actually mutual and spending time with them has always been tortuous. They do not know how to behave in public, they are unappreciative and disrespectful. My friends and family have been saints willing to put up with Thier behavior out if friendship to me. 

I am thankful for the free pass to do what I want without them and enjoy my peace. 

 

Missingme's picture

Respectfully, Wicked, but you do admit that spending time with them is tortuous.  Therefore, even though you say they don't get to you, don't they?  I was inspired by your comment at first, but then realised that that comment and the length of your post meant that they do get to you still.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with it and I'm sorry I do too.  Rotten situations.    

CajunMom's picture

revenge is never a good thing for you/me. Trust me, I've been in your place. Even did a few shitty things to SKs as "pay back." But in the end, as someone else said, living well is the best revenge. And bitterness only darkens your insides. All the while, the mean people, still continue to hurt you/me. 

I've struggled for three years with the last "event" SKs did to me. While I did a complete disengagement clearly stating WHY, I was still angry and bitter. Used some very superficial spiritual sayings to make myself feel better but truth be told, I was still angry and fixating on SKs. It's why I ended up on this board.

I don't push my faith on anyone but if you are open to Christian books, I've found a powerful book that helped me. It's titled Forgiving What You Can't Forget. I don't find it the typical BS of a lot of books on this topic (coming out of the faith); more so, it's about understanding forgiveness as it applies to me and you. The author also is clear that strong boundaries are needed and reconciliation is not always the result. I think it could be read with a secular outlook, also, as the techniques are easily implemented. Again, not pushing any faith with this....just sharing a tool that has been instrumental in helping me get past the deep bitterness I was holding on to. 

Best to you.

MaryBethC's picture

I've  thought about revenge for all the things SSs and BM put me through but tbh If there's any revenge to be had I'd say nature is taking care of it. OSS deals with mental illness, will most likely be a failure to launch due to his poor parenting and all around bad personality and YSS is pretty much the same. BM lives in her own hell that's why she tries to tear everyone else down.

 

The best revenge is you living your best life and not letting them live rent free in your head.  And few sarcastic remarks don't hurt every now and again *lol*

Rags's picture

I have found that zero tolerance and direct confrontation of crap behaviors eliminates any feelings for the need for revenge.  Be reasonable, stand on a firm foundation of solid character and superior performance and the toxic opposition pretty much rubs their own noses in the stench of the crappy decisions, manipulative bullshit, and life failures that they create for themselves and seem committed to repeating over, and over, and over again.

It seemingly turns into a continuing observation of a very long cringing slow motion train wreck that is strangely captivating to watch unfold.   Most in the toxic opposition just keep on doing the same crap over and over again while complaining about the results and then whine and cry about how it isn't fair that they suffer while those on the quality side of the blended family fence live well, are happy, and have far better outcomes than those on the toxic side of the blended family fence. 

Even I find the outcome on the toxic side of the blended family adventure to be tragically sad. It does not have to be. Being reasonable, celebrating the successes of the Skid(s) that have a foot in both worlds, and just not being shitty people goes a long way in avoiding the sad and often tragic outcomes for all involved.

In our case my SS is a truly good man, he is empathetic toward his bio paternal family while not tolerating their die hard commitment to toxicity and multigenerational failure.  He is happy, successful, and is living a quality life.  His three younger half sibs are either in prison, on their way to prison, or consistently on the ragged edge of destitution. The lives of the SpermClan are like a tragic ground hogs day repeat of the same naively tragic crap. It has gone on for decades.  SS has learned to compartmentalize it and leave it mostly in his past while he lives his best life.

The best revenge truly is living your best life.  What is even better is when that revenge amplifies and continues as the Skid(s) live their best life as well... and so on, and so on, and so on........... The side that is tested and found wanting while the influence of the quality side of the mix thrives and influences the Skid to soar is ultimately punishing themselves and eventually there really is no further need to confront their crap. They just wilt on their own toxic vine.

 

Stepdrama2020's picture

I have sat for years plotting, scheming, using brain energy to somehow someway get that entitled lil B SD back, thankfully she is an exSD now! Nothing I could come up with I would have done, but oh the fantasy of it all. That glee and smirk I would have had IF ONLY I could get that frecking POS back. You know that same frigging smirk she gave me as she got me into trouble with my ex DH saying I did things which I didnt. Dang I would give my first born to get SD back . Take note I am bioless so I can say this LOL

Then reality hit and knowing the best revenge is living a happy life .Hell I am not chancing that Karma like she did. She is no longer my SD but in all honesty I still scheme LOL Like how I would put exlax in her breakfast and at work she would shit her pants. CHILDISH but heck admit it you LOL when you read that .

shamds's picture

Is just playing their bullshit tormenting and abusive game they dish out!!

live life to your fullest without them, if they're toxic- then refuse to be around or participate in any events they will be at. Live your life and enjoy yourself. 
 

people who love to abuse/torment others and just love being disrespectful dicks, are not productive individuals and do not deserve the respect of your time, presence or attention.

years ago i told my husband there will never be a day i attend any event skids are at meaning family weddings etc that he invites his disrespectful skids to attend i will stay home.  I refuse to be their punching bag of abuse and comments of disrespect that bio mum taught them and daddy was too chicken shit to deal with.

anytime my husband tries the bullshit forgive and forget lets start over crap, i ask him if they start this nonsense again the moment they enter our car, is hubby kicking the out or returning them back to the train station to go home?? Of course not because he's lost his balls. If he thinks i will attend another family event with their disrespect, i will take our 2 little kids and check into a hotel and hubby will be getting divorce papers for not having our back. So since hubby doesn't want that, its no skids and me at same events

futurobrillante99's picture

While revenge seems delicious to think about, it rarely goes well and I've seen enough people experience unintended blowback on themselves from their attempts at revenge. 
 

pettiness, spite and revenge are childish behaviors. 
 

The adult way to handle things is to set and enforce boundaries about how you will be treated and what you will allow. Sometimes you have to walk away.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

One thing life has taught me is if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves.

You do not have to do anything other than sit back, grab some popcorn and wait. Being patient and not allowing your emotions to cloud your thoughts and judgement is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

When someone hurts you, walk away, take a deep cleansing breath and let that feeling go. Then realize, it's not you, it's them. They are broken.

When someone bad mouths you, say nothing and just go about your business. They can change the story all they want, but the facts remain the same. 

If someone treats you poorly, seperating yourself from that person is it's own consequence. Toxic people need other people to feed off of.  The way a toxic person treats you is really a projection of how they feel about themselves.

Rags's picture

It only takes one canned response that you can apply and modify quickly to shut these types of people down.

"I find it truly tragic that you find pleasure in being a mean, toxic (asshole, person, etc... tune to your comfort level for direct messaging). Good luck with that."

If they reply with toxicity.... "There you go again. You are a lost cause aren't you?"

Nothing mean, focus on their toxicity.

Make sure you do this immediately when they get nasty and as publically as possible.

Adjust as necessary.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Learn to laugh the off, relish in their moronic toxicity, and .... water off of a duck's back.

Remember, living well is the best revenge against toxic dipshits.

 

Harry's picture

They will always be right in there mind.  Unless you can throw them on out on streets there nothing you can do

Dont let them control you and you give them space in your mind

 

Evil4's picture

Trust me. You don't have to do a thing. I could go on all day about the crap my malignant narcissist SD31 has caused over 25 years of knowing her. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate SD. To make matters worse, she always got off Scott free. 
 

I wish I never deleted my "Karma Chronicles" blogs. I post them quite regularly. I even lost what part I was on and quit numbering them because my SD is experiencing karma like crazy. Keep coming here because you'll see that abusers really do eventually bare their asses. 
 

Be aware of the karmic episodes because it's often not what we picture. Karma doesn't work like that. It's often not that one big gigantic bam! It's a marathon and not a sprint. So when you see what you think is too little, don't dismiss it. There is much much more to come. It's more of a process than one big apoplectic event. The beauty is that you don't have to do a thing. All you have to do is sit back and secretly gloat and enjoy. 

Oh and another thing about karma is that whatever happens to your evil SKs won't cause them to realize what they've done to you. The karmic events likely won't even be connected to that. They will, however, be directly connected to their narcissistic abusive ways. My SD was relentless in trying to get rid of me. At 11 years old when H and I had our DDstb21, SD told H to prove his love for her by divorcing me and kicking me and our newborn out. So constantly shit like that. She was NEVER disciplined. Well, right now I'm thoroughly enjoying the fact that SD and her baby are being kicked out by her BF (who is the baby daddy). Sure, I'll put on an academy award winning act about how concerned I am to H but then I go hide in the bathroom to do my gloating twerk. 

Enjoy!

StepUltimate's picture

"Sure, I'll put on an academy award winning act about how concerned I am to H but then I go hide in the bathroom to do my gloating twerk."

You are freakin HILARIOUS! That cracked me up.

Biggrin

looloo's picture

My SD34 will never be happy. I feel more pity for her than a need for revenge. She will never be happy because she lacks gratitude! Entitlement and happiness can not co-exist. I hope H will be happier without me and free to dote on her all he wants to! I really do because I know I will be happier without all their toxic drama and I really don't want to ever hear from either of them again! 

MissTexas's picture

There's no doubt your pain is real, and was most likely completely avoiadable. 

When we are dealing with "adult kids" who were never disciplined, then they learn they run the show. When we marry these "men" we think they understand that marriage comes first, not  prior mistakes from previous relationships or marriages.

I tried my hardest to make things work between all of us, but I realized if my  DH isn't going to be the face and the mouthpiece for this marriage, then I will have to be. I'm all I have in my corner, or on my side.

The best thing for me has been disengaging and not having her nasty ass thrust on me every week-end, or whenever the spirit moves her to just show up and impose on our marriage. 

I've learned also that the old saying, "what goes around comes around" is very true. I don't have to push pins into my Voo-Doo doll or anything...*it*just*happens* It may not come around the way it went around initially; it's often far worse. It may seem completely unrelated, but I believe everything happens for a reason and exactly how and when it is supposed to.

Just recently DH shared some news with me about her marriage and it was NOT GOOD.

Stand by for "news!"

looloo's picture

You should too! been planning my getaway for 3 months due to financial deals being postponed. But, I am doing it! Got a lawyer got an apartment now I am watching the clock tick down! Everyday comes a new revelation and maybe it will help in your case! I realized that H is not happy without drama! Thats it!

Maybe the problem is your H not so much the kids!

We were going along just fine! Life was merry! All was good but he continued to reach out to SD34 and she to him because she needed money! No matter how many times I said, she has done much evil to us please do not allow her back in our lives,,,no, he snuck behind my back and did everything to get her hooked on him and his money and now it is drama every day! 

I remember discussing SD34 a few weeks ago and said to him

"we were happy before she came back into our lives!" 

and he said, "I wasnt" 

There you go! It was perfect! Business was booming, good family around us, good church, gorgeous home, devoted wife, yet he was not happy. I guess now he is! He has not said otherwise! 

Hope that helps you. Just make sure your anger is well placed! it is not so much the kids but how their father handles them!

Tenn9lov's picture

I agree with Miss Texas. What goes around comes around. My DH's daughter (23) has made both of our lives a living hell. For a long while DH made excuses for her. Recently, she "did it again". This time I had enough! I decided to end her quest for division. I went to DH (prepared to leave the relationship if he wasn't willing to make a stand). To my surprise DH stated that his lil darling "went to far this time". DH and I agreed that the lil darling will never be welcome in our home again. We will never have to share another holiday with her or buy her another gift!  It's sad that iit had to come to this. DH and I had several conversations with her over the years, gave her forgiveness and grace. She just couldn't get it together. Not my problem anymore! I feel free and at peace. I will not miss her!

2Tired4Drama's picture

But I must say that it is not always true that "karma" or "what goes around" always catches up with people. I've seen far too many nasty people live long prosperous lives without any real tragedy or come-uppance striking them. 

Same with skids. I also thought that karma would catch up to SD but thus far it hasn't and doesn't appear as though it will. Of course that can always change. When I think about all the heartache she has caused her father and his side of the family, and the selfish and entitled life she's lead, I always thought tables would turn on her eventually.

Not so. She is married to a guy who worships her, she is fully enmeshed with her DH's family, has friends who dote on her, has a large suburban home as well as a beach-front property, a well-paying career she seems to be successful at and two kids who are doing well. She also has BM worshiping her and continuing to dish out boatloads of money.  SD doesn't need her father and never will. When he reaches out to her, which is groveling IMO, she can barely say two words without yawning in between and makes it clear she has no time nor interest in him nor his life. And that includes me. Never asks him a thing about himself.

I'm disengaged from her so I don't really have a bone to pick with her per se. But I just wanted to point out that sometimes those we wish would get what they dish out to others, often don't. 

Missingme's picture

You're absolutely right about karma never materializing for some evil people, well, at least on this earth.  I know of a truly evil person who's never paid for their crimes from several years ago.  All is very well on their front.  And it's unbelievable.  

Miss T's picture

" ... I must say that it is not always true that "karma" or "what goes around" always catches up with people. I've seen far too many nasty people live long prosperous lives without any real tragedy or come-uppance striking them."

Agree so much. Unfortunately, revenge takes a lot of thought and luck to be truly effective, and in my experience anyway those two do not come together often enough to make revenge a viable solution.

I've found that the best way to deal with the uglies in your life is to neutralize them to the extent you can. The process is like getting over a romantic breakup, which makes sense as it is a type of emotional injury.  Don't think about the perps, don't react to them if they come into your presence. Grieve and rage as you must, but do it off stage. Then stop--seriously, set a deadline if that's what it takes. If you catch yourself thinking about them, make yourself stop. You can do that. Eventually you will forget about them. and one day they will drift into your thoughts and you will realize that they no longer have power over you. Then you will be living well, which really is the best revenge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Birchclimber's picture

Does anyone else ever wonder if their miserable Skids are on some on-line stepkid support group site where they can bitch, whine and complain about us?  Where they can all talk about way to get their revenge on us?  Sometimes, when I read through the comments, and people's experiences with their Skids, I can't believe how much they mirror my situation and it gets me thinking.  Maybe these idiot skids have formed some group where they can scheme and try to figure out ways to make us feel excluded, hurt, really annoyed and just generally make themselves out to be a thorn in our sides until we've all finally had enough and leave our marriages.  Then all of their problems would be solved.  It can't be a co-incidence that all of our experiences are this similar. 
Anyway, I agree with some of the comments above.  Revenge sometimes comes back to haunt you, but what I like to do is to make "public social media postings" every time DH and I have an anniversary (the skids have never acknowledged any of our anniversaries) and show photos of us on our wedding day right up to today, (THIRTY years later) with a caption about how lucky we are that we found each other and how much we love the life that we have together.   Living well is the best revenge, and I post the photos to show that all is well under our tent!  Because it IS, if not for their occasional intrusion of drama...but the world doesn't need to know that, and they sure as hell are not ever going to have the satisfaction of thinking that their negative actions are going to, in any way, have an impact on my and my DH's marital happiness.  Our marriage is tight, despite their crap.  I guess doing this is MY form of revenge.  It's especially nice when all of our friends and family comment with really nice anniversary wishes below my post and mention what a great couple we are!  That's just the icing on my cake!  Angel