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Left Behind

Mrs Cellophane's picture

First time poster, long time lurker. I have finally hit a dilemma with my DH where I really need the advice of others who have been there. I'm still learning the acronyms so please bear with me. 

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. It is my second marriage and his third. I have one son who is extremely kind and accepting of the new man in my life. DH has 5.... 3 different women. So, that should have been a red flag. 

I have a decent relationship with 3/5. SS, 34, was estranged from dad for many years but has come with family to visit for a couple of days. 

Since their arrival,  I have been completely left out. Yesterday they went on a museum tour and I was left home to care for all the pets. When he returned,  he told me we were all having dinner, gave me the menu, and wasn't much help from there. Finally left to join everyone on the porch while I did all the cooking and cleaning. After dinner, I left for awhile to vent to my BFF. 

I had an errand to run this morning,  and when I returned, everyone was packing up to go somewhere. I was not invited. He tried to say "love you" on the way out the door, but I didn't respond. They have now been gone for 6 hours. I haven't heard from anyone. I am still home. 

I am very hurt and really trying to decide if this marriage is for me. I know I could talk to him, but feel then I would be imposing where I am clearly not welcome. I don't know what to do. Please help. This hurts... alot. 

SeeYouNever's picture

It seems you are in his life or not on his terms. He has no intention of integrating you and his kids. It's one thing to not invite and include you, and another to treat you like a servant! He expects you to not be seen or heard when his kid is around. I would ask him why he thought this was ok to be so negligent and disrespectful to you. 

Gimlet's picture

What do you mean by "gave you the menu"?   Told you what to cook and then expected you to cook and then clean up while they ignored you??

Expecting you to cook and clean for them and then treating you like you're invisible otherwise is not ok.  

I would make damn sure I was not home when they returned and would not be cooking or cleaning another damn thing. 

Sounds like a serious talk with your husband is in order. I would be furious.

Hesitant to try's picture

You need a serious talk with DH. This should not be happening, especially in YOUR home. If he wants to go visit them without you fine, but to treat you like the servant, HECK NO! If they're staying longer, I would leave - that will send a strong message! If they're leaving soon, have it out with your DH and tell him this can never happen again! In the meantime, no cooking, no cleaning, no pet sitting. You do nothing for any of them. 

Cover1W's picture

If my DH ever "gave me the menu" in any circumstances, let alone yours, I would have literally laughed in his face and told him good luck with that and walked away.

Tried out's picture

you have to push back on being neglected and used speaks volumes. If he can't see what's wrong with what he's done without you having to spell it out for him, you have a serious problem.

Tonight I hate all men but that doesn't mean I'm wrong in my assessment!

LittleCloud9's picture

I couldn't tell from your post. Is this an ongoing theme in your relationship? Or more of a your DH's estranged son is visiting and your hubby turned into a jerk situation? He shouldn't treat you like a servant ever but I was wondering if it's a long time issue

Mrs Cellophane's picture

I know all of our lives are extremely busy and I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond.

This has been on ongoing theme in our marriage.  We have had many a talk about what feels like total abandonment, whenever any of his children are around. I know talking would be a healthy way to deal with this problem, but I have talked to him..... many times. 

They returned from their outing about 4 hours ago. I am trying to keep things light and friendly so as not to make his family uncomfortable while being civil with him. And he is pouring it on thick tonight. Its baby this and baby that. 

It bothers me that he appears to think everything is okay. Or at least he's acting like we are a happy couple. Maybe he is. But im not. 

I'm looking for every excuse I can think of to get out of the house. I'm miserable here. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Hotels exist for more than just vacations and business travel. I suggest finding a really nice one for the next few days.

You have the ability to pull your DH aside and tell him calmly but quickly:

"Do not call me baby. You haven't earned that. I'm currently being polite for their benefit, not yours. If you wish to use a pet name with me, then you better step up with more than just lip service. We WILL discuss this after they leave."

If he tried to bait you into an argument, just keep walking away. If you're concerned about how it looks to his family for you to leave and stay at a hotel, make up something:

"I'm so sorry to do this, but my friend got into a minor car accident. Yes, yes, she's fine but needs someone to help her over the next few days before her husband is back in town. It was great seeing all of you, buh-bye now."

And GO! If your DH tries to start something in front of his family, just lay it all out:

"Fine, DH, I tried to let you keep your pride, but no. I am not your slave or doormat. You WILL NOT get to continue to NOT invite me to places, then show up with a menu and expect me to cook and clean for everyone. Your family is lovely, but you're behaving atrociously and I won't stand for it. But, as I didn't want to make them uncomfortable, I was going to politely leave for a few days to soothe my own hurt feelings and give you space. But, since you chose this path, I'm still going to leave and you can deal with this. Goodbye."

Don't care more about other people's feelings than they care about yours. That's not me saying you should be an arse to people. That's me saying that you should love yourself enough to protect you, and if that hurts people who have otherwise hurt you, so be it.

Winterglow's picture

Oh yuck. Baby? Bleah! How about "You have treated me like a servant today, cut the" baby " And it doesn't matter who is within earshot. 

Actually, I've been wondering if one of his kids gave him a wake up call about the way he treated you. I doubt he realized all by himself that he was behaving like a prize jerk. Maybe someone remembered how he treated their mother... 

Rags's picture

Hind site being 20/20... when he handed you the menu you should have handed it back to him and told him to get his ass in the kitchen. Going forward, do not tell him a thing and when he pulls this kind of shit just give him a jaunty laugh and walk off leaving him to figure it out as you head out for a spa visit and a nice dinner not caring about him or his spawn and how they are dealing with the consequences of your rude, self serving, DH's crap.

smh

Winterglow's picture

I would  have snapped at the point where he gave you the menu. I'd have handed it back and told him I had better things to do with my time ... and I'd have walked out, wishing them all a pleasant evening on my way past.

WHO TF does he think he is?! You really need to sort this out with him. You are not an afterthought in your couple, you are FIFTY percent of it! Where is his respect for you? How DARE he treat you like an indentured servant?! 

Kes's picture

YOU MATTER!  In your place I would consider getting myself some therapy, in order to work out why I was OK with being treated like a piece of invisible caca.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

I wouldve ripped that menu up, stormed out of the door and went straight to a hotel on DH's dime.

Yea and the "baby" thing. Excuse me I aint your baby, Im your servant when the skids are around.

Until they leave, be gone. Go visit family, BFF's, 

When they are gone I would lay it on thick with DH and make sure he is terrified to ever do this to you again. 

Never let yourself be treated like dirt HUN. You deserve better.

Blessings lady

FinallySkidFree's picture

I am thinking he gave you a menu so you can ORDER dinner, but so you CAN COOK??? LMFAO... Yeah...that's a hard mothereffing NAH DAWG!!!!

Merry's picture

The time for talking is over. You've tried that. Now you need action.

My DH ignored me whenever his kids were around (but I was not the servant, as is expected of you). I tried to engage in their conversations but I was literally shouted down. I wasn't part of their little family script, that they replayed and replayed, and I wasn't welcomed to join in. DH had excuse after excuse.

After one particular day and evening of being ignored I was LIVID. Had a come-to-jesus blowout with DH about how he will and will not treat me, and if he ever actively excludes me again I'm on the next plane back home. Hasn't happened again, not even close. I think I forced DH to see himself in the mirror and he didn't like what he saw--chasing and worshipping his kids is just so icky.

Find your voice. Tell him that you won't tolerate his treatment, and if it ever happens again then you will be gone for the duration of the visit and maybe beyond.

CLove's picture

Firstly, welcome, glad you are here, this is a wonderful safe place to both lurk and post.

I would seek somewhere else to be right now. Ive just started this kind of thing myself, and I have a wonderful tribe to spend time with and know of many wonderful places to go (I live near a resort town). You need separation from him, so you can really think about your life, your relationship and what you want for your future.  Consider therapy for yourself, to help draw out all the things that you are experiencing and your role in it.

Ok, so down to the mucky muck. Finances. Apparently he thinks of you as a servant and maid as well as other things. There is a definite balance of power strongly in his court. Is this because he is the primary money maker of the home? Keep this in persepctive - they are STILL considered marital assetts if acquired during the marriage. In addition to a therapist I would consult with an attorney (privately) to see what your options are.

Money is power, but knowledge is also power. And you seem from your post to have "lost your power". You need to reclaim it. You should NOT be excluded from ANYTHING, you are the wife, not the lackey. 

Are you the family organizer and the person who manages the family household bills etc? Do you work outside the home? These things also end to create an inequal balance of power. If he is the one working outside the home and managing (controlling) the family finances, he will be taking control. You need to get your finances strong. And take control of that.

Glad that you are seeking answers. So there are mine Biggrin

caninelover's picture

So make a scene.  If he hands you the menu literally laugh at him and say 'WTF is this?  I'm not making this for you.  I wasn't even invited to join you.  You make this if you want it, I'm heading out to grab a pizza'.  Then leave.

So what if it upsets his adult litter of kids from 3 other women?  They obviously don't give a crap about you anyway.

It is not ok for him to abandon you when his children are visiting.  After things settle down you need to have a Come to Jesus meeting with him.  Any future visits, if he wants to spend one on one time with his kids, OK.  But he is responsible for hosting - that includes food shopping, cooking, cleaning.  You'll join if you feel like it or go do something else.  You are not his servant!

Mrs Cellophane's picture

Thank you for all of your support. I can already predict the responses to Chapter 2 of this endless drama. 

I need to preface this by saying I have always been very independent. I am a professional and work outside the home. Make an above average salary but he does bring home about 3x what I do. 

When we were first married, he moved into my home. He was 55 and had made 6 figures for at least a decade but had nothing to show for it since he was still financially supporting 3 of his adult children. I know... another HUGE  red flag. But I figured since they were adults, we could work it out. 

Most of his kids are pretty underperforming. The youngest is 28, a high school drop out, still lives at home with BM, never had a driver's license. Works a fast food job and smokes weed all day. Rarely talks to his dad. The last conversation they had, SS asks DH to bail him out of a large debt, dad said no,  and they haven't spoken since. SD, 32, and her husband have been on unemployment for going on a year. 

I thought he was finally catching on as he started to deny their constant money requests and assured me he was no longer interested in financially supporting adults when he, at 55 had no money saved for retirement. 

When I returned home last night, I tried to behave to the best of my ability. DIL was in the guest bedroom watching TV, SGS , 12, is on the play station and DH and SS are hanging a TV. I excused myself and went to bed. 

I woke up this morning to piles of dog poop under my dining room table, and several places where their fog had peed. The house (2 week old house) reeks of male dog urine. I got in my car and called my BFF and cried for about an hour. Sent DH a message to clean it up. And called a realtor about selling the house. 

Pull into the garage. He comes out "hi baby".  I ignore him so he follows me in and I loose it. I said he has left me out for the past 2 days and now is allowing SS dog to destroy the home we spent the last 2 years saving up to buy. He replied by telling me I knew they were busy but chose to leave. And I'm supposed to be watching the dogs. If I hadn't left,  this wouldn't have happened and this is out of character for their dog and hes doing this because he's stressed. Every carpet and every brand new rug is my house is covered in dog urine. 

I immediately told him I am filing for divorce.  They left for another day trip.  Nothing was cleaned. I have spent most of the day trying to clean. 

caninelover's picture

I'm really sorry.

I moved into a brand new house too and know the painful feeling when others have no respect for all the work that it took to buy it.

Hire a cleaner and a locksmith to change locks while they are gone - but don't leave the house especially if you are serious about separating.  

Hang in there.

caninelover's picture

And what douchebag leaves for a day if sightseeing after his wife says she's leaving him?  Unreal.

SteppedOut's picture

I am sorry you are hurting and that you have to clean up that foul mess. 

Your soon to be ex is an unbelievable jerk and user. Do not let him sweet talk you! I can imagine the love bombing and gaslighting he will try will be epic. 

He might make 3x your salary, but he and his "litter of adult children" (ha! Love that caninelover) are straight trash. Good riddance. 

 

Hesitant to try's picture

You need a break from this relationship so you can think things through and figure out what's best for YOU. When his kids leave (how long are they staying by the way?), you need to kick him out, get that house professionally cleaned, then live in it alone while you figure out what to do next. He can pack a bag and go to a hotel, or crash with friends or one of his wonderful adult skids he's been supporting.

Mamabearof3's picture

I am so sorry. As a dog owner. A misbehaved dog owner. I would NEVER allow my dogs to do such a thing. And if they acted "out of character" I'd correct it. This is NOT your fault and is so WRONG. I can't believe he tried to blame you and then went on ANOTHER trip without you after you complained of feeling left out. That's so cold of him. His kids sound no better. 

Rags's picture

You know the source of the whole shit show.

Re-key the locks, put his shit and all of their shit on the curb, have your attorney file first, and get him served at work.

Enjoy your new life adventure with this actual shit show fading into your past.

He may earn but has nothing to show for it.  Leverage your stability and future focus and let him go down the drain with his spawn.

You can't soar like an eagle when you are busy picking shit with the chickens.  Soar!

Kaylee's picture

OMFG.

File for divorce

Get this house sold 

Get your YOU back.

Kick this loser and his spawn to the kerb.

Don't let any asshole EVER hand you a menu again, expecting you to cook it.

I would have laughed in the jerk's face, before ripping the menu into tiny pieces.

This makes my blood boil.

DPW's picture

You should have never cleaned, never. You did his dirty work for him while he played, after all the b.s. he is putting you through? I don't think so. Grow some balls hun, you're going to need them. 

What a douche. He's a loser. You're the catch. Recognize that and move on. 

Missingme's picture

You clearly made a mistake by marrying the man you're sharing a bed with. Pack your bags and leave immediately. Maybe your BFF will help you.