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didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Skid wrote dh (he's serving time) and in the letter said to say hi to me...this is after some months ago had told dh he knows we don't get along so staying here after he gets out likely wouldn't work out. Dh and I have differing views as to whether he's changing or not, and I've told dh that I dont want a relatioship with him. I'm 99.999% sure that skid is very aware of this, so I have a funny feelling considering the snake moves he's pulled before is that this is an attempt to put me in a rock and a hard place as he knows how I feel, as well as bait to see how I'll respond.  Is there any way to respond without looking lke a b-word? Not that I care what they think but I don't want either of them to have anymore ammo of (him wants to make up wtih you and you won't "forgive and forget and move on!!!!") A friend and I have discussed this and she said prison is some people's rock bottom. Which once I thought about it...doesn't that say something about the person??  Maybe I'm wrong but the idea of someones rock bottom being consequences for actions vs a revelation of wrongdoing doesn't sound to me like tons of change is happening. As to the forgiveness stuff I tell dh I can get over it and be over the person too. At least until he's been out awhile (he says well you have x amount of years until he gets out. Ya well just cuz he's out doesn't suddenly mean I'm interested in making up. Cuz how do I know whether its real interest in making up vs it being an attempt to open a door to me being obligated to help the poor, struggling, misunderstood thing?

As an aside, dh and I were at a friends of his house and he brought up the skid thing and explained. Anytime I'd comment (he'd tell what happened but not the full story like him being homeless but leaving out that he got free disability money when he was capable of working and never paid a dime of rent in his life) he'd either try to ignore me or if I did the polite insisting thing, briefly address me in a way that was brushing my comment aside. And he wonders why I dont want any part of it. Or even if I WAS listened to and my feelings validated, maybe I think that a man in his late 20's should've been independent ages ago. I simply dont have the energy for this.




futurobrillante99's picture

Stick to your guns and trust your gut. You DO NOT have to allow a criminal to live in your home...........ever. No matter what your DH says, you have an absolute right to peace and tranquilty in your own home.

hereiam's picture

Just keep standing your ground. When your husband tells you his son says hi, just say okay, and go about your business.

If this was not his son, your husband would want nothing to do with the kind of person his son is, either.

A lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness and what it really entails. It absolutely does not mean one has to let the offender back into one's life and certainly not to live with them.

Sure, prison is rock bottom for most, doesn't mean it motivates long term change. No way to know until he gets out, gets on his own two feet, and stays on the right track for quite some time. None of that has anything to do with you.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I completely agree. Problem is I forgot to add (we got into a huge argument but the details of it would've made the post waaay too long) is that he immediately baited me with "you probably don't care do you." 

Does it sound to you like skid was likely trying to put me in a rock and hard place?

ITB2012's picture

I guess I would have gone with: Yes, I do care. If I didn't care I'd be fine with what he's done and where he is and he'd be welcome back with open arms. HOWEVER, I DO care. I care that he did bad things for which he's being punished. I care that he realizes his mistakes and changes. I care about myself and my life so I choose to pay attention to what he's doing so I can protect myself and my life.

Or you can do what I do with my DH when he does that kind of thing: "That's not the topic at hand." He really doesn't know what to do after that when I refuse to go down the rabbit hole.

hereiam's picture

I think your husband is trying to put you between a rock and a hard place. I think his son is angling for a place to stay when he gets out. Ignore them both.

MissTexas's picture

My DH has tried that, and I have said, "Classic narcs NEVER CHANGE. THEY CANNOT, so  do not throw that shit this way, keep it over there, and your job is to keep her the HELL AWAY FROM ME." He tries it every now and then and while it makes me want to smack it off him, I just keep responding the same way. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. It reminds me of a line out of "The Nutty Professor"..."Come on....come on, bring it, you might walk over here with that but you'll damned sure limp back." I'm paraphrasing, but she later says, "I'll toss this knife between the crack of yo' ass." LMAO

On forgiveness, that is about you so you can move forward. Some people confuse forgiveness with, forgetting and embracing a relationship with those who've wronged us. THAT IS NOT WHAT FORGIVENESS IS. Forgiveness allows us to not be held in bondage and daily agony over these people. (We also need to grant forgiveness if we expect it.) I have forgiven SD for her horrible actions and choices, I simply DO NOT WANT that type of toxic BS in my life. If she were not DH's offspring, I NEVER WOULD'VE SELECTED HER AS A "FRIEND" as she is not a good person, is highly materialistic and self-promoting (classic narc characteristics). It's always all about her, who she's taking a trip with or to see, what SHE'S DOING, and all the important, high falutin people she's rubbing elbows with (insert eye roll and gag).

More than likely this loser SS is attempting to line up his lodging after he gets out. If he wants to be a couch jumper, he can skip yours.

Whatever you do, keep your peace and DO NOT INVITE THIS back into your life.

Not that it matters, but I'm curious, what is he serving time for?

ESMOD's picture

Do you care? 

Sure, DH, I care about how his actions have hurt me and people that I care about.. ie you!  I am not convinced that he has changed and he has a lot to prove to society and me before he is going to regain any level of trust.  I understand that as your son, he is likely to get a more positive response to his words of redemption, but I choose to reserve my judgement on his epiphany untill he has shown in real life, on the outside, that he is committed to his OWN recovery and change.  Because in the end.. the ONLY person that matters when talking about caring for your son is HIMSELF.  He needs to care about himself enough to make better decisions for himself.

Harry's picture

You care, not to have a criminal in you home. You care not to be robbed.  You care Not to be disrespected.  You care to have a peaceful home with out probation people invading your home.   You care to have a normal life. 

SS did what he did,  you do not have to pay for his mistakes.  Him getting out of jail is not his total payment for his crimes.  He has probation officers checking on him for x number of years.   If he homeless that is on SS. Not on you 

sandye21's picture

Don't take DH"s bait.  If he tries to switch on you with statements like, "You don't really care. do you?"  turn it back on him: "Do you care about our marriage and my happiness?"

By the way, Goggle statistics on a prisoner's odds of reoffending and returning to prison.  It will blow your mind.

Rags's picture

I would nip it in the bud by filing an RO or PO keeping away from you. If that is in place he can't live in  your home.

End of problem.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I already know he can't come here-all I have to say is no.  I'm just curious as to what skid thinks he's accomplishing by trying to contact me knowing how I feel. I recall when he was a teen and we visited him in a juvie-like place and I sat there not saying a word. Skid mentioned it to me and I didn't know how to respond then either. He'd also do things like say "hi" when we'd be in town and run into him and my nose would be stuck in a book and he'd STILL try and get me to talk. Like-does he not get that if nose is stuck in a book I'm NOT IN THE MOOD for conversation??? I just don't know the polite yet firm way to put a stop to it. 

piegirl's picture

Just don't let polite-ness be miscontrued for weakness! You may need to be firm and direct to get your message across, that doesn't mean you aren't polite, just it may be hard to hear for your DH.

Good luck!