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The joys of disengagement!

ETexasMom's picture

In the past I planned Father's day working around everyone's schedules. Last two years Steps decided me and my children weren't invited and made DH drive out to them. Now we're back on the phase where they love me and want to play big happy family with me doing all the work. Too bad for them I'm not playing this game again!

I asked DH what he wanted to do and he said he wanted a quiet day just me and him on the boat! Love the idea! My twins have B-day just before Father's day so we're having their b-day dinner Saturday with my kids they will spend the night with us then eat breakfast with DH and then off to their dad's house for the day. We planned this out weeks ago, DH really liked this plan.

Enter the steps! Wednesday OSD text me asks what we're doing for Father's day. I sent her to DH saying whatever he wants. She calls DH he tells her he's going out on his boat for the afternoon (yay for small fishing boat that doesn't hold many people!). OSD said they would try to stop by early so they could visit before he left. Yesterday SS calls DH ask what his plans were and DH repeated same thing. SS decides this doesn't work for him he doesn't think he come over early afternoon. DH tells him they can get together another weekend! :jawdrop: Yay for hubby not changing his plans to fit the steps! No word from the other SDs yet. Will be interesting to see if this gets blamed on me.

sandye21's picture

"Will be interesting to see if this gets blamed on me." Do you really care at this point? Yesterday was Thursday - Three days before Father's Day - last of the minute and too short notice to expect anything. If anyone wants to blame you, this is just an 'eye roll' moment.

SugarSpice's picture

i am disengaged but dh continues to be a doormat and the cash cow to his children. its actually quite painful to watch this man manipulated by his grown children.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Pathetic, it is just soooo pathetic to be that emotionally controlled by somebody or anybody.

GottaLaugh's picture

Well done on disengaging, it can be particularly satisfying at times. I think occasions such as you describe are the best, such a good feeling. Changing ourselves is key to this, because in the past we would have taken the responsibility of planning a get together with these horrid people, either at our place or a restaurant. We would then do all the work and pay for everything only to find ourselves stressed out and miserable because once again we were ignored by the stepchildren and not even given the courtesy of a thank you, if they thank anyone it's often only the father not the stepmother. I remember always feeling after these types of events, why the heck did I bother doing that ! I no longer put myself through it.

sammigirl's picture

Good for you! I don't do any of it and have not turned a finger for 3 years. It is so liberating.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It makes me shudder to remember all the things I used to do for OSD and her kids, just to hear her give her dad all the credit. She told DH "everyone knows the woman does all the work", or "everyone knows the woman buys the gifts" as the reason she didn't need to include me. And that of course wasn't the issue; the issue was it pained her to actually say something good about me.

sandye21's picture

When you wrote, "everyone knows the woman does all the work", or "everyone knows the woman buys the gifts", it struck a note with me. It still amazes me that for 20 years I put up with the same type of tactless and utterly obnoxious comments from SD and just sat there, allowing it to happen, without any response. When I said the final "Goodbye" to her, I said it in such a way she knew she was not coming over again. By the look on her face, she finally realized I wasn't as stupid and gutless as she thought I was - it was priceless.

sammigirl's picture

Good for you. I never could figure out where they got the idea they (SD's) were in charge of our marriages.

Rude awaking for my SD58 too.

still learning's picture

"everyone knows the woman does all the work", or "everyone knows the woman buys the gifts"

Yup, and everyone plays along especially DH. I remember sitting at sgs3's birthday party we threw for him at our house (since we weren't invited to the real party) while sdil and ss26 were thanking DH profusely and commenting how awesome the cake was that HE picked out and the little dinosaurs that HE put on it, the presents that HE bought and so on. DH sat smiling, beaming and soaking it all in. Never did he mention that because he'd had an extremely busy work week he'd asked ME to do the shopping and grab the cake.

Never again...

sammigirl's picture

I think that was the best part of my disengagement, when the dinners, campouts, holiday celebrations, gifts, and brighten your day occasions stopped.

My DH certainly hasn't picked up the doing and it came to a screeching halt, over night.

They thanked him for years for everything, no thanks to me. Everything we owned was DH's, I didn't contribute with my career one cent.

Not only do Skids know now, so does my DH. Too little too late. Sorry!

CANYOUHELP's picture

And, same here...I am the one with the lion share of money in this family; regardless, that have treated me like crap; not a bit of appreciation for what I helped dear old daddeeeeee accomplish-, no; I am still not family and excluded in all things. They all got what they wanted now...I blame my husband, he cannot correct them regardless of the horrific things they do to me or him..it is pathetic to watch.

So...I do not do it anymore...and, like Sammi all that trying to please everybody, make the occasions so nice,---what did it do? Excluded me from the very beginning , in ways I did not notice...then it was increasing evident; no matter the work and effort....now, no more trying to please people who never would be thankful anyway.

It is all up to daddeee....Their favorite 14 syllable word.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Both my DH and I had higher level positions than OSD's husband, with his fancy education (I went to a *gasp* football school. OSD's DH loved to make fun of me for it too - except that we spank the crap out of them every time we play them).

But DH was thanked for every single thing. You'd think I was nothing more than his hired help who just milks his assets. And now we are spending their inheritance traveling and having fun. The sgkids now get Wal*Mart gift cards for Christmas because gift giving is not DH's strong suit. And OSD sees DH less than she did before since I am no longer the one making travel plans. I hope it was worth it, OSD.

ETexasMom's picture

So no steps stopped by. Dh said they all called. SS and OSD both said they would stop by next weekend. I asked DH if he remembered we had plans Sunday which he didn't. I just told him it was up to him to coordinate the visit but I was still going to the event we have Sunday and if they plan to come that day he will have to stay home or we will have to take two cars because I have no idea when I will be home and I will not be leaving early.

Want to be he won't bother to call or text them and let them know Sunday isn't a good day. Not my circus, not my monkeys!