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I've decided to be proactive...

cpreston's picture

I went on the apartment guide website and found a bunch of nice apartments in our area, that are reasonably priced…. I sent them e-mails through the website inquiring for more information and have been getting lots of responses.

I am being up-front with the apartment managers, letting them know that I’m scouting for my step-son, who will be moving out by September… and I’ve put his name on two waiting lists so far.

One of them e-mailed me an application ($25 non refundable fee)
I’m going to be generous and offer to pay the application fee for them, when I bring it home tonight.
(can’t wait to see the look on their faces!) :jawdrop:
}:)

sandye21's picture

Good for you! And what a fantastic 'gift! LOL It will be interesting to find out what SS response is. Good luck.

Sweetnothings's picture

That's great.... I bet it feels good to be actually doing something about it! I felt my hands were tied and I was gagged for sooo long with SD21. When DH booked her flight back and it all happened so quickly I was right there to keep the fire lit under her a** e !!!! I didn't even blink an eye when DH provided her with ample money and all new stuff for where she was staying ( T.V, furniture, etc ) Hell I would have paid double to get her gone too !!! Hehe !!
Hope the apartments you've shortlisted aren't TOO close !! }:)

cpreston's picture

*UPDATE*
My proactive approach got me exactly nowhere, with the exception of yet another argument with my husband about how I just continue to bring this up every day (for the record, it’s not EVERY day… twice a week probably, but not EVERY day)

My SS has never lived outside the house, with the exception of a few months of his first semester at college, which he could not handle, and had to be rescued and brought home

His g/f moved in VERY pregnant back in the beginning of December. They learned that they were having this baby June 2010. SHE moved in to our house in the beginning of December, seven months ago, the baby is nearly five months old

I argued with my husband that neither has done anything to plan for moving out. There is no ‘end game’ plan here.

He argues that if we push the point and they move out, that A) they can’t financially make it, and Dirol she will wind up leaving him, moving in with her mother and getting CS from him, so he’ll NEVER be able to afford to live on his own and he’ll be back home before you know it.
Then he threw back in my face the fact that I lived at home with my mother for a number of years after divorcing.

Yes, I did… and I bought groceries and cooked and cleaned, did laundry for my mother in addition to mine and the kids, and did yard work, cleared laves from gutters, painted the outside and inside of the house, paid bills, not just my own but household bills, like the phone or cable, or gas bill.. AND I had to pay for daycare AND I made relatively less then compared to what his son is making now and as I made more money, I contributed more to the home, picking up more bills for my mom, helping to pay for the kitchen renovation. Etc…

His nephew works at a grocery store with a wife that doesn’t work… he took a second job to pay bills… “oh so he’ll just never see the baby?”

All this falls on deaf ears and his excuse is “well they BARELY live there anyway”
Really? Ok, so just because the g/f wakes up, rolls out of bed and hangs out with her dead-beat unemployed mother, who couldn’t wait to dump her off on our doorstep, all day long, until SS comes home from work that means that they barely live there?
SS works just a few more hours a week than either of us… less if you count our commutes…so should all of OUR bills be pro-rated for the number of hours spent in the family domicile? Wouldn’t that be great?

So… I have no end in sight. I am NOT getting rid of them in September, and since my husband believes that they can’t make it on their own, there is no pressure for them to move out… and since the g/f may take off at the least bit of pressure from ANYONE, I’m not able to enforce the “under one roof” contract that they so willingly signed, which gives them responsibilities and chores around the home, oh and that RENT that my SS was supposed to have been paying every month, my husband let him slide on two occasions, so we have $1,000 less banked for them than what I previously thought.

What am I to do? Well, I can do two things: I can leave or I can disengage.

I am going to try disengaging first. I will do exactly what I would do if they didn’t live there. and if there is a mess that’s not mine, I’m not touching it. it’ll be as if it didn’t exist. I will set the table for three people every night for dinner, and I will ask for $$ for any food eaten by them, that I bought.

sandye21's picture

How awful for you! I agree with you - you do not owe it to them to clean up their messes, etc. That should be HD's responsibility. In fact, if you disengage and make EVERYTHING to do with them his responsibility it might be easier for him to see he needs to take action.

Sweetnothings's picture

This is such a nightmare, honestly if my skids come a knocking in the future to move in....I'm going to show DH the horror stories on here.....and then say NO !!! What happens when another baby is on the way.....it's only a matter of time...I'm guessing the first wasn't planned ????
I think you are right to try disengaging first, what do you have to lose? I would also start your own little secret money saved fund, ready for if you have to rethink YOUR plans.... Also some folks on here have had to like lock up the groceries and supplies to stop the adult skid etc from helping themselves without helping with the money for the food !!!!
What an awful situation, you have my sympathies....even if you have less money saved for them, maybe they could rent somewhere cheaper and smaller ????

cpreston's picture

Sweetnothings... I hate to say it, but I've already started looking at MY budget and figuring out how to put away the amount I'd need to move out. Horrible, I know... but I can't live like this forever, and you're right... it IS only a matter of time before she gets pregnant again. My husband and I actually were talkiing about that yesterday, because we noticed weight gain...
so help me, if she's pregnant again... I think I'm going to have to give the "me or them" ultimatum... that's so not me, but WTH?

the apartment situation in our area isn't cheap...I know that. in order to live either she'd have to get daycare (she can get it free, she's on welfare) or he'd have to get a second job... which apparently is just unthinkable for my husband to insist his DEAR son have to do...

I didn't ask for any of this. it pisses me off beyond belief that I'm in this situation when I was the one that over and over again told both DH and my SS that I did NOT want the girl sneaking in and out of our home, sleeping over, etc... they ignored me and now I'm the one that has to deal.
Yup, the disengagement began this morning, when I noticed that my SS left the pizza cutter on top of the pizza box, along with a glass, a plate and a gross looking baby bottle in the sink. I neatly took them out of the sink and left them on the counter, until I was done making breakfast and lunches for me, my BD and my husband, then I put them right back in the sink.

I had a half of a mind to write him a note telling him that since he ate ¼ of the tomato pie, he owes me $3.00… but I’m not looking to start a flame war… really I just want my life to be a little easier. I figure taunting is not part of disengaging.

Shannon61's picture

cpreston. My reply below was to you. . not Sandye (even though I think she's neat). This is what happens when I type w/o my morning coffee and I also got interrupted by a phone call so let's try this again.

Does your SS and girlfriend qualify for a subsidized apartment? Do they have those in your city? I'd start doing some research if I were you? Also, why are they allowed to stay there w/you and DH open ended without a move out date in sight? DH needs to sit down w/them both and get a plan for their life and housing so they can become self reliant enough to sustain themselves instead of depending on other people to provide room and board. It's not fair to you, and you're right you didn't sign up for this.

I felt the same way and was in your shoes w/SD (27). Her plan was to finish school, get a job and get a place. Even though I wasn't thrilled that she was living w/us I knew w/her education she'd be able to support herself. After she finished school she pretended to look for work for a year. When she finally found a job, I asked DH to give her a move out date, but he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." So I started saving my money so I could move. I'll be damned if I was going to be relegated to living my life with a selfish, lazy, annoying twit. I was miserable.

So since DH didn't step up, I kept my foot in his behind. I also I disengaged from SD and started dropping covert hints. On more than one occasion I spent the weekend w/my sister to put something on DH's mind. I was willing to leave my marriage than live in a negative environment w/my toxic SD. Then God answered my prayers because she got engaged. I was willing to ride it out one more year until she got married, but because I made it crystal clear that it was time for her to go, she's moving at the end of the month because she we're ready for her to go. Not to mention the fact that we're still newlyweds who've never had the luxury of living alone since we got married.

Stand your ground, get a strategy for them to move out, and continue to be proactive until you get them out. They need to know that it's not "ok" to live there w/you and DH. Make it clear.

Shannon61's picture

Sandye I love your approach. I'd also considered that but it would have caused a war in my house. Also, SD is sensitive but doesn't care about hurting any one else's feelings.

So I had to resort to more covert tactics. One of her old classmates left a voicemail about a class reunion and stated "I don't know if you still live at home, but if so can you call . . ". So when I gave her the message I told her, "she wanted to know if you STILL lived at home." SD got the hint. Then DH and I pulled the "she's gone let's go to our bedroom and close the door" routine. I did everything in my power to let SD know that I wanted her out. When she got sick, I told her I hoped she felt better, and then ignored all of her melodramatics for extra attention.

When SD told me she was moving out, she said she hadn't planned on being here this long, but wanted her job to be secure. Yeah right. Had I not put my foot down, she'd still be coming home w/shopping bags full of clothes and shoes, paying less that $100 per month for rent, having no accountability for anything in the house, not doing any chores, expecting DH to do everything for her and kiss her ass to boot. Those days are over.

Can't wait for them to start loading her moving truck! I have a feeling DH won't be as excited about celebrating.

Sweetnothings's picture

Good for you !!! Leave their mess alone !!! Your DH will soon get the message,will he tidy it up or bark at them to clean it up?? DH soon got tired off all the cups, mugs, etc being left in her room, the smell coming from her room, I even made sure I was " busy" in our bathroom , so he would have to go and use the second bathroom....HER bathroom...gee that was a bit of a shock for him, dirty underwear just left where it dropped, sanitary articles just left open and used on the side, the little waste bin overflowing with various nasties!!!
I did THAT a few times just to get my point across....DH didn't want to go in there !!! No clean towels for DH, I acted shocked and puzzled too, off he went to check SD's room.....sure enough 5 or 6 wet smelly towels living in her clothes pit, A.K.A the floor !!! Sometimes I felt like I had to lead DH to the problem, like a child....I would have prised his eyes wide open if I had too !!! Men and their Adult SDs !!!! Grrrrrr !!!!

Shannon61's picture

Sweetnothings - I think my SD (27) and your SD are twin sisters! Could it be? I swear you've just decribed her. Talk about nasty. SD takes the plastic wrap from her sanitary pads and sticks them on the wall in her bedroom . . perhaps she thinks they're artwork. Every month I know when it's her time of the month because she'll put the items at the top of the garbage - like she wants us to see them. Oh and towels, the same thing . . . there are at least 3 on her bed right now and she sleeps with them there. And I know for a fact that she doesn't wash her hands during that time of the month or any other time. . . disgusting!

Sweetnothings's picture

Yep , I hear you Shannon61.......maybe they were seperated at birth ???? My DH's excuse that she was just a lazy teenager blah, blah, got tired real fast!!! My SD21 once spilt a whole class of OJ over her bedcovers, any normal person would maybe strip the bed off, you know. SD21 left it like that for at least two weeks, sticky and nasty and SLEEPING in it !!!! Yuk !!!!
DH even had to spend his Saturday mornings trying to police SD21 then nearly 19 to get her tiny chores done, and she really deserved an oscar for her laundry day DRAMAS. We lived in an Apartment building with a laundry in the basement, elevators and carts available, etc, etc, well, you'd think she was in a Greek Tragedy !! The sighing, the pained expressions, the woes..... All because, yes she didn't do any laundry for like two weeks and had like five loads to do.....her bedding was done maybe every 3 months!!! Then we found out she was running to the deluded bf of the time and his family blasting us off for treating her like Cinderella. Apparently, SHE did all the chores,SHE did all the cleaning, cooking, etc. DH and I were religeous freaks who dragged her a**e to church all day on Sundays !!! That was her excuse not to see the bf that day so she could sleep all day!!

Shannon61's picture

Good grief, sleeping in a bed of dried oj is repulsive, but I've got one better. SD had a cold a few weeks ago. One day while she was out, I peeked in her room. She had used crumpled up tissues (where she'd blown her nose) all over the floor and they stayed there for about 2 weeks. SD uses a sugar bowl that hasn't been washed or wiped off in at least 3 years. I keep it in a cabinet so I don't have to see or be exposed to the germs. When I have to touch it to move it, I use a napkin.

What ever she spills, will stay until I wipe it up. And laundry . . I have my own towels that only I use and wash. She and DH share towels. I told DH to make doing the towels one of her chores (the only one she has is washing her own dishes). A few weeks ago when she had a cold, I caught DH doing the towels. I just shook my head. I hope her fiance knows how nasty and lazy she is or they are going to have problems. How do people live like that? It baffles me. And she wonders why she's always sick w/a cold. I want to say . . it's because you're nasty!

cpreston's picture

The “love-birds” stay up in our third floor loft…when you walk up, threre is a railing on your left and about two feet wide space behind the railing to the wall, that stretches for the length of the opening of the stair case….

My Husband went up there the other day to see if he could find our towels, because we went from a linen closet which was over-flowing to not having any towels left in the closet other than the ones me, my BD had hanging on a hook in her room and my husband were using… and all of my washcloths were gone too

We told them that they’d have their privacy up there and we wouldn’t go up unless it was absolutely necessary… well twelve or more missing towels, made it necessary.

There was a MOUNTAIN of laundry completely filling up the space behind the railing to the door, that went on the entire length of the railing, not to mention the two contractor bags full of dirty laundry AND the baby’s crib was full of dirty baby clothes!

The g/f doesn’t brush her teeth either. I had to find out for myself if it was just my imagination or if it was true… so I moved her tooth brush to an obscure place… she’d find it if she looked but there it sat…. un-moved! For over a week…. So when I clean the bathroom, I carefully place the toothbrush back in the exact same spot, just to see if it’ll move… and it hasn’t… it didn’t even make it into a bag to go on vacation with us… and no, she doesn’t have another one… she keeps ALL of her junk in the only full bathroom in the house!

I thought I knew what a “slob” was too, I mean, I was by no means a neat teenager… my BD22 was worse than me and she’d leave glasses in her room for DAYS on end… BD13 leaves wrappers on her dresser from whatever she brings upstairs with her, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why she leaves clothes NEXT to the hamper… but BD22 did her own laundry when she lived home and BD13 does her own and they don’t go more than a week, and I never ALLOWED it to pile up….

The G/F is breastfeeding and she pumps and then leaves bottles of her breastmilk in the fridge till they’ve gone bad… the used bottles sit around their bedroom for days on end, getting smelly then eventually puts them in the sink, so that they’ll MAGICALLY get cleaned and put on the special drying rack that the evil step-mom bought for you so that they’re not all over my kitchen?

Oh that drying rack that my SS uses on occasion and lets water collect in the bottom of and become slimy and stagnant.., you put your “clean” baby bottles there?

Is it any wonder why the baby is pushing bottles away and won’t drink from a bottle anymore????

How about how she took the child to visit with her estranged father for the day on Sunday and when they came back, the baby smelled like he’d been sitting in a tap-room, he smelled so badly of smoke. When I said something about it, she brushed me off that her “Dad” smokes and then took the kid from me, up to the bathroom and gave him his first bath in a week… (so that my SS wouldn’t smell the smoke on the baby? Sure hide the evidence…I outed her anyway…to her face… I thanked the G/F in front of my SS for giving the baby a bath, since smelled so badly of smoke it seemed like he’d spent the night at the corner bar)

Did I mention that the G/F leaves the baby in bed with her EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK? EVERY EFFING NIGHT! I’VE BEGGED HER TO STOP, SHE LOOKS AT THE GROUND LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD AND NODS HER HEAD WHEN I TELL HER HOW DANGEROUS IT IS, THEN SHE GOES UPSTAIRS AND DOES WHAT THE EFF SHE WANTS TO ANYWAY!!! She told my SS that her Mom said it was no big deal?

REALLY, so when that time my SS had to wake you up because your arm was over the child’s face… THAT was NO BIG DEAL? How about the time that my SS nearly rolled over ON to the baby….THAT WAS NO BIG DEAL?

Even my husbands Ex who was a nurse in an inpatient/outpatient mental facility told her of one of the patients who was there because she had the baby in bed with her, and the baby rolled onto its stomach, face in the pillow, when the woman woke up, the baby was dead, suffocated…. It was so horrific for this woman she attempted suicide on a number of occasions…. Did that do anything? FUCK NO! she’s STILL putting the baby in the bed with her.
(wow, I really went off on a tangent there didn’t I??)

Shannon61's picture

I do it all the time. When you start talking about steps and get riled, it's bound to happen because you're so darn frustrated w/them and their foolishness. It's expected. Smile

frustratedstepdad's picture

Start saving your money, just like the other posters have said. I am almost at this point as well. I keep telling my wife that I would like my SD21 and her 2 yr old son moved out within 2 years, which would make a total of 3 years of living with us. I figured if we tell her now, then it won't seem like we are kicking her out and she will have plenty of time to save money. The wife thinks telling her now would just hurt her feelings. I have a feeling that my wife just doesn't want to do that, and 2 years will go by with nothing happening. I think I'm also going to start putting some money aside, because I could easily see this happening.

Stand your ground, you should not have to keep supporting your SS, his gf and their kid. Let your DH know you are serious as hell about getting your own place if nothing happens.

frustratedstepdad's picture

Start leaving military brochures in their room too...LOL. If he can't afford to take care of his GF and kid, the military will help! }:)

Sweetnothings's picture

Two more years frustratedStepdad...... We'll be putting you forward to sainthood if you manage that, eh ??
I can't imagine my SD21 with children...... I just keep on seeing an image of mini me from Austin Powers !!!
YIKES !!!!!