It's Holiday Hell - you're not invited but the ex-wife is!
Last night my H was on the phone talking to SD 40 and SD 28. They talked about H flying to their state for Thanksgiving, and he said we (me and him) will stay at home. After he got off the phone, he said they invited “us” to their house for t-day. Since I don’t fly, I told him that was his decision to go – I didn’t care if he went or stayed home. A few minutes later SD40 called me and said “since I know you don’t like to fly SD40 and SD28 would like to buy H ticket to come visit at T=Day and if I would convince H to go (apparently “WE” were not invited, just H)!” Standing in front of H I told SD40 that it was his decision, not mine. Then SD40 informed that all 6 SKs and their families want to have a “family” T-Day and yes, of course, the ex was going to be there! I told H if he wanted to go, go; if he wanted to stay home, fine. I wasn’t kissing his ass or theirs for the holidays. Then his phone started ringing (all 6 kids were calling) and instead of answering, he went to bed. COWARD!
I laid on the couch most of the night wondering why do I put up with this bulllshit. We have been together for 12 years (married for 10 this year) and our holidays are such a damn battlefield that with the help of ST, I finally learned to disengage this year. I’m so damn tired of hearing “I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!” I can’t believe that my 6 grown adult SKs cannot or will not accept that the Walton dream is over and mommy and daddy will never get back together again.
Earlier this year (April) SD38 and fiancée came to visit from another state and made this big ass production of bringing H a bottle of wine AND 1 WINE GLASS from a winery they visited. When I asked where my glass was, there was no response; they forgot me, and I was hurt and pissed. Of course, H didn’t say anything to my offense either. So this past June SD38 was getting married in another state. I refused to go because I remembered the wine incident, I didn’t want to spend my vacation time with people I can’t stand, and mainly because I was bringing home my new puppy (see my importance here!) H drove 600 miles and was gone 5 days. During these 5 days I hired people to cut down trees in my front yard, and I enjoyed my freedom and my new puppy. H had a lousy ass time!!!
Then hell broke loose when he came home and I mean big time! Apparently, it’s the “custom” that the grooms’ parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. Fine. However, SD38 and fiancée forgot to “ask” H and wonderful ex-wife that they invited the 95% of the people who were coming from out of town to the damn rehearsal dinner. Kodak moment - $1200.00 rehearsal dinner bill! Needless to say, H didn’t tell me this at the time – I found this info on his charge card then he told me what happened. I told him if I was there when this shit happened, I would have told the waiter that we were only going to make for the 28 people who put my life through hell and that’s it. H does not have the balls to say this!
So now I have to contend with this Thanksgiving bullshit. SKs don’t want me there for the holiday but want me to convince Daddy Dearest to go to their house and spend the holiday with the wonderful woman he divorced! Are they still that damn stupid!!! And then I have to put up with their bullshit in my house for 8-10 days during the Christmas holidays. I think about divorce all the time, and yes, I would be happier without all this damn drama. I remember being so happy and independent when I was single!!!
When does this hell end? It’s been 12 years of wedding hell (BTW – none of the kids showed to our wedding!) Other than disengaging, how can I make H see what kind of hell his kids are putting us through? He doesn’t have the balls/guts to stand up to his kids and won’t say anything regarding this disrespectful behavior. Is this really worth it? Why does my life have to suffer because of their asses?
You can't force him to see
You can't force him to see that. SHOULD he? Yes he should! But right now, he can't (or won't).
Next time they call you directly, you should say, "call your dad, not me. Adios!" Sd was trying to bait you by calling you. Don't fall for their bait. Block their numbers and emails from your computer and cell phone.
Don't allow these emotionally stunted people in your home. Make the ban permanent if necessary. If they can exclude you from their homes you can do the same. Two can play that game.
This may not help your dh to see anything, but tell him if he goes, he'll be paying two ex-wives alimony.
Thank you
Thank you
I can't believe he payed for
I can't believe he payed for the rehearsal dinner without having discussed it with you and agreed upon it in advance. It's customary that the bride to be and her fiancée behave in a mannerly fashion towards their father's wife. It's customary to give a gift to both your parent and their spouse if you give to one. It's customary to show common courtesy.
I can not understand why YOU
I can not understand why YOU are not invited to the Skid's homes but they are invited to yours. How far away is their state? Is there any other mode of transportaion you can take? Of course, I know you don't really want to be around these asses, and truthfully they don't deserve your company. BUT wouldn't it be wonderful to 'surprise' them and BM?
I wish I had an easy answer for you on how to deal with the Skids. I went through the bullshit for years until SD had a major meltdown and was banned from my home. (Lucky me! LOL) I wish I had an answer for a gutless DH too but my DH has never had the courage to confront SD about her obnoxious and unwarranted behavior either. What HAS worked is informing DH of my limits with SD and terms of staying married. It's not up for discussion or negotiation. If he thinks it's OK to spend Thanksgiving with his ex-wife, then he will not be upset when you spend some quality time with an ex-boyfriend.
If they come to your home for Christmas, there will be rules of the household. Inform your DH that they will not be allowed to remain in your house if they disrespect you, you will personally ask them to leave.
This puts your DH on notice to 'man up' or suffer the consequences.
I want to give at least a
I want to give at least a little props to DH. While running away & not answering the phone may be a bit passive aggressive... "... and he said we (me and him) will stay at home."
While I agree not the white knight we want and expect, I see a bit of dingy grey that might get brighter if you buff him up a bit. He did say you both would be home. My suggestion, Reward that man & maybe next time you'll get a bit firmer response.
Several years my wonderful H
Several years my wonderful H went to his son's house for the "family" T-Day. I stayed home with my kids and close friends and we had an awesome time. It's ironic that H called me at 7 pm to ask "how do you cook a turkey?" NO ONE KNEW HOW TO COOK A TURKEY??? No wonder every comes to our house for dinner! I am really at the point of needing to love myself more and walk away than stay with this drama anymore! Why can't people just grow up?!?!
I used to get upset when our
I used to get upset when our entire TG Day was revolved around his sons and their mother's plans. OK, TG is not a holiday I had for the first 40 yrs on this planet. But I wanted to play the part and get involved etc.
Last year was the last straw. DH and I cooked all freaking day and the skids and my DD and SIL et al turned up at 5pm. They all had eaten beforehand at skids/their mother - my DD etc/her in-laws. So NO ONE was hungry. We put away about 4/5ths of the meal back into the fridge. I was upset. DH was upset. So I made an executive decision. THIS year DH and I will have crab-cakes for breakfast (OUR tradition I started 5 yrs ago) and a grown-up classy lunch and then everyone else can come for dessert. I am done with the TG Cook-Off because DDs MIL can REALLY drag out the waterworks and the guilt trip. And BM can do the same thing in her own special way.
So all competition is off. We will make desserts and you can come for THAT and nothing else. I have invited a friend of mine to share our lunch. Don't know if she can make it yet as she may need to work. But we will not be providing the full turkey thing for people who will eat 2 bites and declare they are full.
So too you can make your OWN plans. Maybe get away to a B&B or a hotel that offers the TG meal. Bitching about it only made me angry and DH fed up with my whining. So I made it clear this is the way things are and will be. So make your own plans and make sure they are a better option than visiting his adult kids. Which is exactly what I offer DH. }:)
When DSO and BM split T-day,
When DSO and BM split T-day, she would say we could have them noon to 4. This sucked b/c I had to bust ass to cook so they could eat before they left. Every freaking time, the skids would come in and say that Mom already cooked stuff the night before and they weren't hungry. I make a turkey for leftovers and not many side dishes and pie.
Well, if he goes, I would
Well, if he goes, I would plan a special thanksgiving for myself. Shopping, lunch out, a massage. Hell I would enjoy myself. These days there is so much activity that honestly I would spend the whole holiday season myself soaking in hot tub with a glass of champagne and A great book!! Myself!!
His kids are the type that
His kids are the type that forget his birthday and Father's Day and hell wrath no fury if their special days are forgotten. I no longer call and wish them happy birthday. I no longer sign cards for whatever holiday. I no longer shop for them or the grandkids. This year I took all the past xmas gifts (Fart Game, Trailer Trash Wars, the gypsy outfit they wanted me to wear to church) and donated them to the church their mother works at for the rummage sale. Yes I was a bitch for that! I just don't understand why our wonderful husbands don't insist on their kids no matter what age respect their new wives. Don't they know life would be so much easier?!?! I guess there are stupid people in this world!
Skids are trying to get H to
Skids are trying to get H to abandon you for Thanksgiving with his ex, seriously??? And they are calling to enlist you to convince him to do this? Myopic much?
If I were this OP, there
If I were this OP, there would be no offering to allow DH Christmas, regardless of what DH does at Thanksgiving. Eight-ten days for Christmas hosting this ungrateful bunch? No. I'll bet the OP gets the 'honor' of doing all the work, doing all the meal fixings and DH gets the 'privilege of paying all the expense. Oh yeah, Merry Christmas.
Why should the OP feel obligated to host this bunch for Christmas. They cut her out of Thanksgiving, plotted and planned to get ex wife and Dad together, and went so far as to ask OP to help them. WTH? No way. Finished, done. If I were Op I'd not care what DH did about the Thanksgiving (after all these years I doubt he's going to run out there and pounce on BM) but I would be suggesting to DH it's time for some new traditions. These skids are all grown with families of their own, their scattered around, they don't 'like' the OP (why host them) and it's time DH/OP start planning quiet holidays together without all the hustle and bustle and BS. Maybe a quiet get-away the two of them. A lodge with a big toasty fireplace and an excellent holiday brunch? Time to give away or sell all those big casserole dishes and table settings for 20 and enjoy the second stage of your years together. With one skid 40ish I'd bet DH is near or at retirement age. Time to start thinking about relaxing and having some fun as a couple with less stressful holidays and events. DH would not be deserting them, he's raised them. It's time for Dad to think about Dad and what Dad wants/needs in his life at this point. I'm not saying cut the skids out, I'm saying learn to see and do with them less. Maybe plan short pass through trips to visit them occasionally when no holiday is going on and it's actually a relaxing visit on your way to do whatever it is Dh and you enjoy doing.
It has taken small steps over
It has taken small steps over the last 5 yrs, but our holidays are slowly becoming less stress...
BM holds all of the cards and DH has allowed it, so that ship has passed- SD is stb 14, and a carbon copy of her bitch mother. There is still some sweetness that pops out of her occasionally, but super rare. (he has EOWE)
4yrs ago, DH and i were still new and we went away for a holiday which coincides with my bday. The holiday weekend was NOT DH's, the following weekend was. He made arrangements 6 weeks in advance of us flying out, but of course BM caused drama by accusing him of taking off on his visitation time etc etc.. She got SDthen 10 so riled up that SD then accused him of the same thing and she had a holy meltdown.
It cast a bit of a shadow on the whole trip. At the time, I was still so new to the skid thing that I supported the coddling of SD. oooooops....
I happened again the next year... We went away- this time he had a conversation with SD as well as BM about it so there was no confusion. SD still got upset, but this time he called her on it. She still pulls it out every now and again, but can't explain her anger, so DH says, "When you figure it out- let me know." To be clear- she won't spend the holiday with him, because BM guilts her, so why should he be here??
We leave town every Easter, Thanksgiving and this year CHRISTMAS! soooooooo stoked.... I have introduced new traditions that are for us and DH isn't so sad at holidays.
I couldn't imagine this nonsense when she is 40... I know I will have some of it, because BM won't come near me, and then what happens when there are grandkids??
Here’s an update: I figured
Here’s an update:
I figured it right! Yesterday, H had to drive out of town for the day and sure enough, called all the kids while driving to confirm that he was going to be home with me for T-Day. When he called SD40, she apologized to him for calling me and knew afterwards that it was a bad idea. Funny, no one apologized to me, but I know from 12 years experience to never expect one. I am however making plans for us to do something (not at home) for New Years Eve and Day. In the past we always babysit the 6 grandkids while all the wonderful SKs, spouses, and the ex went out to celebrate. I think they believe since H doesn’t see his grandkids except at xmas time that he would love to babysit. Unfortunately, I’m the one cooking, cleaning, playing, etc. and as usual, I get no thank you, H always gets the credit (that still irks me!). I always thought I was alone and the only one that had this living hell called life, but through ST I find that I am not alone, and I thank you for that! I am just somewhat amazed how selfish and self-centered my SKs, as well as others listed in here, are. My mom would have literally beaten my ass if I was to ever have talked or treated someone like they treat me.
Since I have been married to H, it always seems like my marriage is constantly being compared to the wonderful ex – H never bought my mom that, H never did that for my mom. Apparently, they forget that I work too or they are literally that damn stupid to realize that I can buy my own things without relying on H. Someone please tell me why did H divorce the golden egg if they were so damn happy???
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments and letting me know that it’s not ok to be treated like dirt. Keep up with the great posts of disengaging (everyone needs those!)
You're the best!
Glad to hear DH is not going.
Glad to hear DH is not going. I sure hope they are not coming to your house for Christmas. If they do, let DH take care of everything from cooking to cleaning up. I'll bet it only happens once. And good for you for not babysitting grandskids on New Years. After the way they have treated you, you don't owe them the time of day.
My DH can visit SD anytime he wants - except Hoildays. If she wants to see him that bad they can celebrate before or after the holiday.
I cook and clean for our
I cook and clean for our Christmas after that, I do nothing! I make sure it's like Mother Hubbard in our fridge and cupboards. H needs to do all shopping, cooking, and cleaning during their visit, and I make sure I do things to make me happy and not feel guilty anymore!
Oh my, 95% of the people
Oh my, 95% of the people invited to the wedding were at the rehersal dinner? And on top of it no one told H in advance? I would be livid. I think if that happened to me I would pay for the wedding party, the parents and those people that had been cleared as coming ahead of time. The rest I would suggest get separate checks. but then things like this really peeve me.
But, I can also understand where your H was caught off guard and rightfully didn't want to ruin what was a beautiful wedding to be. I'd be peeved none the less as well. But now the wedding is over and its water under the bridge. Just make it clear to H that you didn't like it and you don't want it to happen again.
I do hope he at least gets a thank you note from his son and new wife for his generosity.
Perhaps you can suggest that
Perhaps you can suggest that you and your DH make some arrangements for Turkey Day, and Christmas by yourselves. A weekend trip, a B&B, etc.
I have no intention to even suggest, must less host Twit at my house for the holidays. And, should any offer be extended to H about this, I have no intention of going. I know what to expect and, as I said before, why should I put up with carp and carppy gifts, etc. Right now I am planning on being down in New Orleans for Turkey Day weekend. And, if the roads aren't bad, I plan to be at my daughter's for Christmas.