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Is it time to move on???

Graceless's picture

I have been married for 35 yrs. We have an HMO (his, mine & ours) with 4 children. He had 2 kids (1 boy 1 girl) from previous marriage, I had 1 (daughter)before him & we had 1 boy together. We now have hubbys eldest boy (40 yrs old) & mom living with us for the past 8-9 years. His boy had lived with us for a couple of years before the mom moved in. He was supposed to move out when we moved from rental home to this owned house. Now he's here as help for Grandma.  The boy is so much like his mother that I feel like I am living with hubbys Ex. I would feel guilty for leaving while hubby is not in great physical shape (he's on ss disability) but am dealing with depression over this and more.  I have said the boy can help while living elsewhere but he hasn't held a real job since living with us.  He doesn't pay rent, food, nothing. He has a small pickup truck to use for taking gma out. That only happens when he's told besides Church & Dr. appt.  (Which he is always late). Prior to quarantine of course.  I am looking for work & trying to get out of here. 

Kes's picture

I am sorry to hear your story - leaving after this number of years will be hard but maybe it would be worse to stay.  I was married for 24 yrs first time around and left in my mid 40s, and do not regret this, despite having gone through some step kid related issues in my current marriage.  It is a shame that SS40 has been allowed to stay for so long without contributing anything much to the household - this is not good for him, as well as you and his father.  I don't think you can let the fact that your DH is on disability, to stop you from trying for a better life elsewhere.  I know from personal experience that sticking it out for the wrong reasons doesn't help anyone. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Your stepson is a middle-aged man not a boy. it is very likely that he is dealing with some sort of depression just as you are and it has impacted his ability to get and keep employment.of course your husband wants to help his child but I think the both of you are probably guilty of treating him like a child and not a full grown adult.

This advice may be too late for you but whenever we have somebody stay at our house we have a very clear time frame. We had a friend stay with us for a couple months while he was in between housing situations and waiting to be able to meet his wife in another state. From the start we knew exactly how long he was going to be staying with us and we were firm about the end date. It is the same for visitors, my mother stayed with us for about a month-and-a-half when I gave birth but we had a very clear in date for her to go home as well.

Have a discussion with your husband about end dates for assistance with your stepsons living situation. helping  3somebody in a transitional phase or getting back on their feet is fine however you can't let it go on forever. Having an end date motivates them to change their circumstances rather than just take advantage of your generosity.

simifan's picture

That is an awful lot of baggage. You are supporting three generations of his family.  I would definitely put DH on the hot seat. SS goes or I do. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

DH has his elderly mother and dependent adult son who he obviously feels he needs to "care" for.  Trying to get him to see otherwise is useless. 

You haven't said if you are working.  If you are, I would suggest you start stockpiling money so you can get your own place.  It doesn't have to be an entire apartment - start small, maybe renting a room from someone.  Tell your DH that you will no longer be living with him until such time as his son moves out.  (I don't know how you feel about DH's mother living there; that's another issue entirely.)

In any case, at your age and stage in life, I wouldn't necessarily head for divorce court.  Just move out and start your own independent life.  You can go and visit DH when it is easy for you to do so.  I would not feel guilty about him nor his disability, after all, he has his son there to help him.  And that's exactly what I'd tell him as I walked out the door. 

This kind of situation is becoming more and more acceptable  - the whole "living apart together" movement.  People are still couples, they just don't live together any longer.  My aunt and her husband did it for decades until he died.  They never did divorce but they each had their own apartment and visited each other from time to time. 

Harry's picture

He a professional house sitter.  Tell DH it's him or you.  Either SS goes or you do.  Then you don't have to feel guilty about DH.  He made his choice,  and will live by his choices

Rags's picture

It is sad that your DH's support of his adult son and his aging mother has surplanted the marriage that he supposedly shares with you.

Support of kids and parents should never surplant a marriage.  They can be suported but only to a point where their well being is provided for in a manner that keeps them clearly in their place in regard to the marriage and to the partners in that marriage.  Both SS and MIL should know clearly that their presence in your home and the support they receive is at your discretion and not only at the discretion of daddy/son.

IMHO of course.  Good luck.

Abitextra's picture

You have the patience of a saint! Think about what you need for YOU now, it sounds like you have spent a lot of time looking after everyone else. Look after yourself. All the best.

Abitextra's picture

You have the patience of a saint! Think about what you need for YOU now, it sounds like you have spent a lot of time looking after everyone else. Look after yourself. All the best.

DoneWithSteps76's picture

Some families are just programmed to take advantage, and it sounds like that's the case with his. You've got 3 generations of his family under your roof, so it sounds like it's passed down through the generations. Some families are like that generation after generation-entitled mooches. Elderly parents can ruin a relationship-my SO's are horrible and tried to take over our lives. His dad tried to move in but I kicked him out before he got too comfortable. His drunken mother made it one night and I booted her too-made her stand in the driveway to wait for a ride to pick her up. His kids (he adopted his ex's 2 daughters from 2 different fathers.) They take and take and are totally ungrateful and disrespectful. It's learned in these families and it will never stop. If your name is on the home and depending on state law, you may have to give both mom and step son 30 days written notice to evict them but that is exactly what I would do. They have you outnumbered and will continue to tak and take. If hubby doesn't like it, kick him out too-don't leave your own home! I have sunk as far as beating a pot with a spoon for HOURS just to make my SOs worthless family so miserable they finally leave. Make them leave-not you! 

Graceless's picture

I was depressed over my brothers suicide & other life changes & this situation just evolved. Coming to this site was my needing the friend that smacks you upside the head & ask "what the hell is wrong with you?" moment! Lol

The opinions & advice are what's been bouncing around in mind & it's a matter of my tolerance levels.  I have done the "him or me" & obviously it's him. I have been unemployed for last 2 years & started looking for work just before the virus situation began.

Thanks again for the slap moment!