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It still bugs me even though i am disengaged.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

So SD is ramping up again. DH has been back at the house for 2 weeks to do some renovations and painting - we are selling the house.

So SD invites DH only to go out one evening this week with her kids. Some kid based activity - pumpkin patch or something like that. DH and I already had plans to go out for dinner. So at dinner he mentions it and it felt like he was saying, 'see, I do put you first... I didn't go to the pumpkin patch with Sd and gkids". All I heard was, SD is being disrespectful and rude by not inviting her dad's wife. DH said, well, she didn't invite you because she knows you wouldn't want to go. I said, oh, she reads minds now too LOL. I do love the gkids and that is my problem I guess. I miss them and would like to spend some time with them.

Our BS is away at a boarding school and we visit him every weekend. SD was asked by her dad to write our BS a letter. She did write one once before and we brought it to BS. Well since DH is going away for two weeks she wouldn't give the letter for me to give to BS. She mailed it instead, but mailed to the wrong place because she didn't even check the address. I took this as a passive agressive move as well. Like she would rather drive out - buy stamps - mail a letter, rather than pop it in our mailbox to hand-deliver to BS. We live 12 houses away for petes sake.

I just am sooo glad we are moving! Once we are out of walking distance the constant manipulation by SD on DH will come to an abrupt halt. It just doesn't seem to work as well on the phone. I know this because when DH is away at the cottage for weeks at a time, SD does not get in his head quite so well.

We didn't fight at all about SD though so that is HUGE progress for both of us. I dropped the subject as quickly as it was brought up. It does stay in my head though for a few days. That is what bugs me, I really need to work on not letting stupid Passive Agressive crap SD pulls stay in my head.

Any advice on how to do that? I try to shake it off but it pops back in quite frequently for a few days after.

sandye21's picture

I agree the more time goes by the better it gets. But when I first disengaged it took a while for the wounds to heal. When SD's name was brought up at all it was like pulling the scab off of the wound. Like you, I found the less I mention her name the easier it is for me. Now I NEVER mention her name. In fact, I rarely even think of her. SA wrote that DH's relationship with her will suffer. This is what occurred in our marraige also - SD's loss. Sorry to hear about the Gskids, it's not really fair to them but it sounds like your SD thinks more about her self-interests than the happiness of ther children.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Excellent points SA. That is exactly what it means and I am NOT reading into it in a paranoid way. She loves to do things just to irritate me and then gets that deer in the headlights look. Who ?? me??? What do youuuu meeaaaan? Yah right.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I was just on-line house hunting. So many nice homes waiting to be filled, smile.
I am hoping we are a fair driving distance. DH won't jump in the vehicle if he has to drive to visit. He just won't! She won't be able to pop in either since she has young kids - 1 home all day and I think she babysits one or 2 little ones for some income. No way she wil be driving to visit DH during the day either.

And of course, DH will likely spend a lot of time at our cottage still - I doubt that will change much.

If the move doesn't help - which is unlikely since the biggest issue is the daily contact when DH is at home - then we go our separate ways. Maybe he can move in with SD - see how he likes that. I doubt it will come to that really. He has way TOO MUCH TO LOSE if we split. He retired last year and is on a reduced income and would certainly not want to start over with half of the assets we currently own.

I would have no problem doing it and he knows it. I still work and am very independant.

Thanks again for all your input SA. It is so bang-on it is uncanny. Such parallel lives for total strangers. Wink

Delilah's picture

20years - it will get easier in time and much easier with physical distance also.

I would ask what things DH would LOVE from a new home and then take pleasure in finding the *right* house which I would know DH would love (obviously so long as you do too) and make sure it was far enough away to burn sd }:) mwahhhhhaaahaa.


They hate any reminders of me. I try not to call him too often or text while he's with them, just because I want to stay off their radar.


See, now I would take that as an opportunity to really wind those aholes up and ring DH MORE (on the pretense of missing him). Its called karma. Let's just say with those types of people you will always be on their radar, as you stand in the way of the daddybank! So time to sharpen those knives and get them to bitch about you MORE, if they do you will have a justifiable reason to say to DH "they are banned from our house and I am not spending one more holiday with them..." and that way YOU get to spend your holidays with people who are nice. Its called giving them the rope to hang themselves with }:)

emotionaly beat up's picture

20years mailing the letter instead of giving it to you was definitely passive aggressive. You weren't reading anything into it. But you know that.

I really do not understand why your DH bothered to ask her to write the letter in the first place. If she was at all interested in your son she would be emailing him if ringing him or shooting of a text to him. Hell she could Facebook him to keep in touch. Who would want contact from someone who really didn't want to contact you.

I hope you find a beautiful place and Sd is so angry with daddy for moving away that she stops contacting him. It's great when they withdraw their love to punish daddy. It gives daddy a chance to see the Sd the way wr do.

I wish you every happiness and a peaceful life.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Well EBU our BS is away at a therapeutic boarding school. He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and was getting into lot's of trouble at school. He was one messed up boy - and I DO BLAME DH and SD for a lot of it. They were both being too hard on him in my opinion. I was seeking professional advice on how to deal with him and trying sooo hard to help him. They just criticised me and basically blamed me for our son's issues - I was too soft on him.

There is a lot more behind this but it is very painful for me to even think about. SD was always jealous of our BS and tried to get DH to take away the thing he loved most in the world - his favorite hobby - dirt biking. I had to fight tooth and nail against it as I had to fight against DH and SD in the background a lot.

OUr BS is doing very well at the school - he cannot have any outside contact via technology - hence the letter. Last time we were there DH said to our son, oh and SD would like to join us for a visit sometime. Our son said, what? NOW she wants to see me? He knows that SD couldn't give a rats ass about him and SD is merely pretending to want to go to please daddy. All she ever did was cause friction and TRY real hard to get him in trouble - a 35 year old tattling on a 11-12 year old. It was sickening.

I am going to see BS today and will talk about moving with him. He knows we are moving and he wants to move too. He will be there for at least 6 more months to build a great academic foundation for when he returns to regular school.