You are here

Is it possible to have a relationship?

Newimprvmodel's picture

For the past 7 yrs, I have truly hated my dh's daughters. Now I am going to be exchanging some emails with the youngest. Is it possible that she and I can connect and I get to a point where I can feel comfortable referring to her as SD?
She is 25, but lives with her older sister, who is in my opinion a rotten creature, very close with their mother, another rotten creature.
I was at this point with her when she was 16, and we were very friendly.
Any thoughts?

strugglingSM's picture

My advice, just try to approach the relationship as something that would be pleasant to have, but don't put pressure on yourself to see her as an SD. Maybe she's just like any other in-law type relative who you can be pleasant to at family gatherings, but don't feel as if you have to be close to. I think that will take some pressure off of both of you. Also, if she lives with her sister and you don't get along with her sister, I'd probably keep holding her at arms length, just in case.

Indigo's picture

The late teen years & early 20's are periods of great change for all of us. I would grant SD the possibility of growth and change. No more, no less. You don't know who SD-25 is at this time.

Will it be possible for you to view her today as a young adult, without the hate, accusations, & bad memories shadowing your view? I don't know. I'm certain that you were wronged and that it was never addressed or fixed. Consider that you are carrying all that crappola along with you, and for YOUR sake, perhaps you can set it aside for a bit. Breathe, and perhaps try to look at each interaction through new eyes.

Regarding appearance, I get the insecurity which flares up. We all get it. Models for wrinkle-cream are frequently in their late 20's & early 30's. When I was young, I was much more streamlined. Now, ... I have lived and learned. I am "Rubinesque." I have curves. I also have much more wisdom than I did.

Send a picture of your loveliest pastry creation !

ldvilen's picture

I think the question you need to be asking yourself is do you want a relationship with her? I wouldn't just assume I would want one just because she does, and I wouldn't just assume I have to have one, if I don't want to.

It's easy to say give it a go and see what happens, but who wants to be fooled a second time. You know that old saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

She may have changed or not. She may now realize that in order to have a good relationship with her father, she has to at least make some sort of attempt to accept you and try to get along with you as dad's wife, which is OK. The only further word of warning I'd give other than asking yourself if you want a relationship with her, and if so, what kind, is that sometimes older kids (incl. those in their early 20s) make a half-ass attempt to get along with SM, simply so they can tell themselves and everyone else they tried. And in a matter of months, if not weeks, it's back to the way it was before. This can happen with bio-dad too.

Best of luck to you. But, focus on what works for you and not on what you think works best for everyone else. Because we already know where that got you.

sandye21's picture

I gave SD a second chance. As you wrote, it didn't last very long before she was worse than before. I you give her a chance, keep your eyes and ears open for any sign of returning back to 'step hell'. The moment you see this happening immediately disengage.

stepmomfromhell's picture

If the youngest sd is very close to her siblings and the bm, she will choose them over you any day. I would watch your step very carefully, and if you don't see what you like, then it's simple, back off and don't let her into yours and dh's life and home and forget about her mere existence.

sammigirl's picture

If I had it to do over (37 years ago), I would never have become friends with my SD (who was 20 at the time). I would have treated her just like a neighbor/over the fence friend. My SD sucked me into a friendship, because she wanted everyone to know how family oriented she was; Hahahahaha.

I suggest letting it take it's course and you follow your gut feeling on how it is going.

Newimprvmodel's picture

What has me stymied is that she knows her father and I have separate homes, so why does she need a relationship with me?
She said in the email that she doesn't want her father to have to miss me when they are together? Why would she care? Her and her father spent all of less than 10 days together the whole last year. She lives on the opposite coast!
What is she thinking?

SacrificialLamb's picture

My feeling is she is trying to show her father how much she has tried in order to gain his favor even further. "See daddy? I don't know what SM is complaining about. I really tried". She has not had a relationship with her father in some time. She is earning leverage. She also may want favor in his eyes above her other siblings.

My OSD42 was always my DH's favorite (even though he said he didn't have a favorite, it was very clear he did). Now that OSD42 is punishing him, YSD40 has been happy to step in and be the favorite for a change. It seems silly for siblings of this age, but they still have a sibling rivalry.

Maybe I am also too jaded to think that an SD would honestly want to get to know an SM when there has been a contentious relationship in the past. I think it more likely she is loading up her arsenal with weapons. Mine in the past have showed a fake interest in me to get information they could later use. When my SD's didn't have information, they started fishing for info on our marriage and me personally.

But she also may be at heart a very nice person. I think my YSD has a good heart. But she is close to her mother and is her older sister's best friend. I know my place and will not get too close.

SugarSpice's picture

the skids and i got along well when they were all young but when the teen years hit every thing went bad.

the girls wanted to be mini wifes and the boy wanted money.

the son is now ok with me but the daughters have made it clear they want dh to divorce me. they want sugar daddy all to themselves to buy expensive things for them.

now i am disengaged. i dont text or email them and when dh says something like a job promotion etc i simply say, "how nice." nothing more.

sammigirl's picture

I can't understand why these SD's want SM to divorce their Dad. My SD did the same thing. When I kicked DH to the curb for a few months, to SD's home, to live with her and SIL; she didn't like that either. What the hell? My SD even wrote in an email, she wanted me to move out of our home and leave it to her Dad, so they could have their family back; she was 53 years old and has her own family and her own beautiful home. I decided DH needed to live with her for a few months, so he could decide which home he preferred. Well, he's back, that was three years ago, and I've not heard another word about that type of arrangement. Lol...

What is up with this aggression. I have had two SM's in my life time and never once did I put my nose in my Father's life. As long as he was happy, I was happy for him. I wasn't friends with either of my SM's, I just minded my own business, took care of my own life, and let them have their life. "Live and let live".

I've yet to understand my SD.

disrestep's picture

Yup, I agree with sacrificiallamb, and bet SD is trying to gain leverage with daddy to gain something or to make you look like you don't want to play nice. I am sure you dislike the Sd's for a reason.

I would proceed with caution, as Ysd lives with her sister, who you say is a rotten creature. The steps I have all band together when they plan any attacks of disrespect on me or dh. They 90% of the time work as a team. I am sure the SD who is trying to contact you via email is being influenced by the sister she lives with.

My response to that kind of email would be to ask Sd what does her sister think of this and ask as many questions as I could to try and get a motive out of her for this all of a sudden wanting to connect. My Ysd tried the same before her wedding and enlisted the help of the other steps to want to connect with me via email of course. She never apologized for her past nasty behavior, and her motive to want to pretend to play nice with me was just an effort to try and butter up me and the daddybank for wedding funds. I am glad I never made an effort to play nice with her, because her hatred toward me and dh has ramped up since. She is a rotten creature too and I will never trust her.

I'd be very cautious with SD.

mapitout's picture

I would come up with my personal boundaries before encroaching on this. One of them would be that anything I said could be shared on the nightly news without embarrassing me or putting me in a tenuous situation. Another would be, I ask her more questions than she asks me. And another would be, I don't have to go any further than I am one hundred percent comfortable with. Given the history and current living situation, you have reason to be cautious.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Again I remain stymied about her interest in engaging with me. But look at how hard her father has pushed this relationship ON ME, so I bet he is pushing on her end as well.
I do agree totally with y'all to only give out info I would not mind being broadcast.
We shall see. Interesting she told me she started a new job, but didn't elaborate.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I would agree that your DH is likely pushing you on his kids.

My DH thought that if he made me sound really positive to his kids, talked about my interests, talents, how much fun we have, how well we get along, that they would want to get to know me better and accept me. At first they made the positive accepting sounds DH was looking for, but they were only telling their father what he wanted to hear, while they were slyly stabbing me in the back at the same time. OSD42's frustrations eventually bubbled over when I just wouldn't go away, she told her father I was not family, and her attempts to get rid of me became more overt.

I now know it's not me personally. It is whoever would have assumed the role of Original Family Intruder.