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Is it just us? I don't think so...

2Tired4Drama's picture

For those of you with problematic Adult SDs who are married/partnered, I'm wondering how they get along with the women in the family they've married into?  We all know they don't want us SMs around but how are they with others?

Do you know what your SD's relationship is like with her MIL and SILs...and for those older, with DILs? 

(Likewise, if you have SS's do they have trouble with their male in-laws? Although it's biased, I'm guessing it's not as big an issue between men.)

I'm thinking that for some SDs, they simply cannot get along with other females who enter the orbit of "their men" (i.e. daddy, husband) and will do anything to knock them off track.  

My SD does not have a MIL (died before she met her) and is not speaking to her only SIL. Last time we saw her, SD said her SIL had "words" with her and doesn't speak to her anymore. 

SD made it very clear she was fine without SIL around and related this information in an almost gleeful fashion.  Her DH didn't say a word, which was telling.

Just wondering if you all have noticed similar situations with your SD's?

JRI's picture

I'm not sure what happened with SD60 and her in-laws, but when I attended her daughter's shower, we were all seated at the same round table.  The atmosphere was so cold, I thought it would start snowing. They (MIL, 2 SILs) were shooting daggers at her, I'm sure they despised her for the way she treated their son/brother.  I was trying to make nice but it was uphill work.  As usual, she seemed oblivious of the fact that treating people poorly has ramifications.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Honestly, I think your situation is the epitome of how some skid situations really don't change much.  I know I probably won't live long enough to see SD turn 60 but I cannot imagine still having to hear about or deal with her b.s. that long.  DIsengaged or not. 

JRI's picture

Youre right, she will never change.  If I can do one thing on Steptalk, it's to bring reality to the fantasy that step issues always magically end at 18.  The financial obligation might end then, but the emotional turmoil can go on and on.  Not every situation and not always, but some of these stepkids have personality issues that don't change.

tfsimmons's picture

I am always so grateful for your responses on ST... We both have skids 50+ and even with "greyrocking" - foolishly I still want to protect my DH from their manipulation!!  I appreciate you!

JRI's picture

And, I'm thankful for  the opportunity to vent on Steptalk.  We've foolishly had a "don't talk about it" mantra for years, it was part of blending 5 kids:  let's minimize our issues and just keep going day after day.   But she has always been way beyond the pale and it is so healing to get it out to folks who understand.  Here I am at my age, knowing she will be here tomorrow, hiding my purse and anything else of value.  Steplife.....


Exjuliemccoy's picture

OSD and all SILs have had difficulties navigating their respective in laws. Many of my DH's extended relatives struggle socially as well.

OSD is simply uncomfortable socially and unable to form lasting friendships. Her MIL seems like a very nice woman, very family oriented but there was a separateness there because OSD doesn't tend to engage unless there's a benefit to it. OSD's best/only friends have always been her female relatives, because they accept her while an "outsider" wouldn't.

Meddler SIL's is a smiling, friendly individual. Her problems come mainly from her boundary stomping and unswerving need to get what she wants.. She was estranged from her H's older brother and his wife for years, and although I don't know why one guess would be that her SIL didn't want the younger couple's partying ways to influence her young children. She was also estranged from her younger BIL. Meddler also had a falling out with her best friend. After that friend moved away, she had to send Meddler a letter requesting she stay away from friend's parents. Meddler didn't think the rupture in the friendship should stop her from running tame in their home. Just like a BM who won't give up her inlaws, Meddler didn't understand it was inappropriate. Meddler was able to mend most of those relationships later in life, though.

Nordstrom SIL is estranged from her dad, his other kids, the majority of her paternal relatives, myself, DH, her late eldest sister, and Dog knows who else. She was always "we're not talking right now" with some friend. She's an intelligent, beautiful, yet deeply insecure woman with a lot of anxiety. Brittle, a little forced cheery. Appearances are everything to her; authenticity, not so much. She was initially intimidated by her MIL and BM, but hopefully has found a healthy way to be a part of that closeknit family.

As for YSD, she struggled socially as a teen due to her BPD and constant lying. Unlike her socially awkward sister, she presents well and has good manners. She can read a person instantly and melds to please them, but the relationships never lasted. I've been No Contact with her for many years so I don't know what she's like now or how she gets along with her inlaws.

2Tired4Drama's picture

"OSD's best/only friends have always been her female relatives, because they accept her while an "outsider" wouldn't."

That's interesting. Do you think it's because they are more willing to forgive and forget her faults?  And I wonder if the same applies to your YSD?  If she is a liar, do the other women in the family give her a pass on that?  Maybe they call her out on it and therefore she doesn't do it with them?  In any case, I think tolerance adds in to the equation. 

That is some of the conundrum of steplife.  While I have no problem telling someone in my family/close friend what I think or challenge them on a behavior, it's more difficult in skid situations as they are NOT family ... AND we have a DH/SO in the mix which complicates it. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's a complicated story, because the SDs have different BMs. The short answer is "Yes with OSD, no with YSD".

My DH was a teen dad. While married, he and BM1 lived in FIL's house with the SILs, who are less than a decade older than OSD. Bonds were formed, resulting in OSD having a pseudo sister/mother/aunt relationship with the SILs. She also had an unusually close relationship with FIL, but that's a different story. In DH's family dynamic, it's "Pretend everything is great and fake it til you make it!" There were no standards or expectations, no policy for addressing or fixing problems. So, OSD's behavoiral issues were ignoredby the inlaws.

OTOH, none of the inlaws liked Psycho BM2 while she and DH were together, and there was a six year gap where DH and the family didn't see YSD because Psycho kept her away. Bonds were not formed with the SILs or FIL, and I imagine they see a lot of Psycho in YSD. So OSD is an insider, YSD is an outsider; OSD's issues are ignored, while YSD's are whispered about behind her back and probably blamed on Psycho and me.

Rags's picture

These wastes of skin have no place in the lives of decent people.  Any of them. SILs, OSD......

Exjuliemccoy's picture

See why I call them The Coven?

I wish my DH had had parents like yours. The outcome would have been far different.

PetSpoiler's picture

I have a SS, not a SD, but I do have a SDIL.  She decided pretty quickly that she despised BM.  BM had her issues but never in a million years did I think that SS would pretty much cut her out of his life, but after he got with SDIL, cut her out he did.  Sometime before they got married, she decided she didn't like me either.  Supposedly it had to do with me and DH setting boundaries with MIL when it came to our bios.  She spun the narrative that my own mom was/is allowed to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted when it came to my kids.  Truth is, my mom has always done as we asked.  SDIL told a lie about my mom and it started a huge drama fest. We ended up cutting out my husband's younger nephew immediately.  We finally confronted the lie, SS tried to justify it, and that along with SS'S own behavior, we decided to cut them off too.  SDIL doesn't even like MIL either and she caused family drama on behalf of MIL.  She probably would eventually either turn my own daughter against me or she would eventually hurt my daughter. I won't let that happen if I can possibly help it.  I'd say she has issues with any female who was a big influence on SS. BM is dead now, I don't come around them, and while she doesn't like MIL, she tolerates her presence on occasion.  


ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

So interesting I have a SDIL too - emeshed with her mom, controlling of SS and has found any opportunity to find something wrong in everything I do. It got so ridiculous we had a dinner where she and SS listed all the ways we have failed as parents and for the times she couldnt put something on me it was "I don't have the right vibe" or my facial expressions were not good. I even misspelled her name in a message and it was as if I had single handedly ended life on earth. I do not interact or initiate any contact except an occasional text response or happy bday because there is nothing good that can happen. Even when I have to send something I make sure it is so short and neutral. I became the villian in the story when I was actually holding up a lot on my end. I love DH but when it came to rolling up the sleeve and doing the hard work it was me otherwise things did not happen. I stopped everything after that complaint dinner - besides an occassional text response. No one picked up the slack so now I have more time, money and resources for myself. It's lovely. 

I read a warren buffet slice of advice that was all about at the end of your life money can't buy you love and that is the thing you want to exit this world with is people who love you and you being loveable. I'd like to modify his thoughts for anyone who has SKIDs: At the end of your life you can buy your peace by realizing some of your extended family are NOT going to find you loveable or give you love. Best to exit the world in peace and love thy self.

Missingme's picture

Oh, Lord, my SDs have all finally hooked up and now we're being invited to their SOs' families'. Another orbit of drama to begin. Why, why?

Disillusioned's picture

That's an interesting question 2Tired, I'm not sure either of my SD's have fantastic relationships with their MIL's but they could. 

I think in the case of a MIL, usually the DIL will try to please, at least more than they would with the SM of course who just doesn't matter to them! 

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs are not yet married and neither has had a girlfriend, yet, but I'm waiting for the day when they bring home someone like BM (domineering, critical, abusive, narcissist, histrionic, etc). They have spent their lives watching BM emasculate any man that crossed her path. They also watch BM's mother emasculate BM's fathers and then BM's grandmother who got divorced in her 70s because according to BM (who approved of the divorce), BM's grandfather wasn't attentive enough (BM's grandmother also apparently met the love of her life at the casino at age 75). In addition, MIL is a bulldozer who tells all her children what to do and how to do it and then complains to SSs about everyone. She regularly tells one SS that she's "so sad" they DH and I never invite her over her even though she never says anything to me or DH. There is no way either of these boys will ever have a normal relationship. They will likely seek out women who treat them like crap. I asked DH what he will do when one of them shows up with a replica of BM. He tells me he will say something, but I doubt he will. 

Dovina's picture

These women have problems with anyone who "threatens" their top dog position.


SacrificialLamb's picture

Narcissists do not like competition from anyone who will knock them off the pedestal they believe they should always been sitting on . My OSD47 was upset when her younger sister got cancer because now she would get all the attention.  She was 40 at the time.

I remember when she got married that her inlaws wished their son was marrying someone with more substance, like their other son's wife. I think they tolerate her now because of the grandkids. Both OSD and her DH are very in to showing off in order to feel good about themselves. I certainly hope they never divorce because OSD will want daddy to be her boyfriend again.

Dovina's picture

Your comments are always wise. 



Mountains's picture

SD(63) has never got along with her SIL.  The first time I met SD she filled me in on how she didn't get along with SIL...apparently SD and the BM were against the marriage from the start and made it very difficult for her (which I have pointed out to my DH - very similar behavior towards me).  The SD was never called out for her behavior and in fact was encouraged by BM so it should not have been a surprise when she had issues with me before ever meeting me.  SD apparently gets to decide who should marry into "the family"....I have never had time for that.