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It isn’t as it seems, so stay disengaged.

Missingme's picture

A warning to not be lured into thinking your skids actually like you much less love you. They are doing what you've had to do--act. They didn't ask for you to enter their lives, but we did in effect ask for them to enter ours by virtue of marrying their dad. I'm not blaming us. We followed our hearts instead of our heads.

So while your visits may include some laughs and fuzzy feelings, do not be deluded into thinking you're accepted. You're not and you will most likely never be. In fact, if their dad were to die, they would come after you with their lawyers to get all they could and when the litigation came to a close, you would never hear from them again. It's that simple.  How do I know this would happen to me? Because I saw them do it to other steps in their lives. Their only loyalty is to the one who dropped them from her birth canal. 

Why am I posting this? No particular reason really. Just a busy-less moment to remind myself and others to stay strong and stay disengaged on some level.

Have a great week, everyone.

notarelative's picture

We married when all of the kids, his and mine, were adults. I have never had any illusion that they even care about me. I expect that if DH dies before me, after the funeral when they realize there is no money for them, I will never see them or hear from them again. 

My kids, on the other hand, have told me,  if I die before DH, they will check up on him, and if he ends up in a nursing home they will visit and make sure there is hair cut money in his account.

CrownJewels's picture

Oh, no worries. SS is a b*stard towards me and I'm like an elephant; I never forget. I remind myself on the daily why I am disengaged. I think back on all the awfulness and know I'm doing the right thing.

I know that I did try, for several years. I regret it but at least I know I did my best. It will never be good enough so peace out.

Kes's picture

The SDs' visits rarely included laughs and never fuzzy feelings.  If DH died first they could try coming after me with lawyers for money - but I am much smarter than they are with regard to such things and they would get what DH has allocated to them, not a penny more.  The idea of never hearing from them again is not something that would cause me sleepless nights, surprisingly enough! Biggrin

tog redux's picture

My SS21 is pleasant to me and always has been. But I know he doesn't care about me, and I don't care about him. I don't know if he'd come after money if DH died, he's not the greedy type, though BM might push him to do so. I would not want anything to do with him unless he demonstrated he'd grown up and cut the umbilical cord. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I have absolutely no expectations of having a relationship with SKs when they are older and I am more than fine with that. 

My goal is to retire and live life to it's fullest. I don't want to be tied down by needy adult children.

ESMOD's picture

I don't think this is wholesale true for everyone.  I think it would fit my OSD.. but not my YSD...   My YSD has maintained more lasting relationships and relationships that are "one on one" with me.. and with her mother's SO's.  She still is in contact with her mother's EX..(who she lived with for many years when growing up).

I mean... I know in a "final answer".. who gets thrown in the volcano test..her bio parents would win.. but I believe she values me as somone that stepped in and cared when they didn't have to.  I get calls all the time for advice.. and the sign off "love you's"..  I think her feelings are genuine and that she does care about me and appreciates all that I have helped her with since she was a smart alec little 5 year old girl.  She even has some of my personality traits (mixed in with those of her mom and dad).. her older sister is a different story.. she came into all of this kind of "damaged" and withdrawn and while our relationship is "ok".. I doubt she would maintain a relationship with me if her dad was gone... not so much because she hates or dislikes me in any particular way.. but she is a very self centered person and if it doesn't benefit her.. she really isn't interested.

futurobrillante99's picture

SO's daughter is 32. I'm pretty disengaged and have been from the beginning because her mom is deceased. Also, the first woman SO dated after his LW passed was a bit of a nightmare and tried to mother SO's daughter. We don't give each other gifts or send each other holiday cards. I've verbally wished her a happy birthday. We don't even have each other's cell phone numbers, but I do think it's time for SO to give her my number since I plan to be up his mountain house a couple weekends while he's out of town. It would be useful to coordinate if she wants to come up and use the house.

She's been nothing but nice to me and I hope that over time, we might get to know each other better. But I've seen too many stepmoms jump in and try to be a bonus mom to their stepkids. Sometimes it works, many times it doesn't. There is a loyalty bind for a bio mom - even more so for a deceased bio mom. So, I tread carefully. I told her a while back that I hope she can see me as a friend and an ally. I love her dad and I care about what he cares about - including her.

If SO and I were ever to get married, I know he's got plans to provide for his DD32 from the assets he and her mother accumulated. I don't see her as a greedy or grasping type, so I really have zero concerns that she'd be nasty or come after me. I think she would be really heart broken to lose her dad. If the mountain house becomes my home someday, I'd expect her to want the things her parents accumulated during their marriage. I wouldn't withhold them from her, but I would want to hang onto anything we accumulated together.

The only thing I want to make sure of is that if SO and I build a life together in that home, I don't want to lose him and our home in short order. I want assurances that I would either own the home or have the right to live in it for as long as I wanted. I don't see that being an issue for his daughter, but you never know how people will feel when they're grieving.

Missingme's picture

How nice that you have a pleasant relationship with your SD. I've never gone out of my way to mother my adult step kids or to be their good friends even. Their last step mom made that fatal error. Even so, the loyalty to bio mom overshadows everything and I don't believe they have the love for their dad that your SD has for hers. My step kids are takers, sadly, and I have no desire to be close to them.

caninelover's picture

Comes in different flavors that can range from a superficial relationship to a completely no-contact one. 

I don't expect to have a no-contact level relationship with Bratty while SO and I are together but I do expect a superficial relationship to facilitate the cooperation that is necessary for extended families sometimes.

If SO passes prior to me I expect to go completely no-contact with Bratty once the personal belongings are transferred and the estate is settled.  

Missingme's picture

Superficial is all I have with my skids and it has somehow worked. Of course I realize when stepgrands come along that it will be harder to maintain the superficiality. I have a feeling that'll be a real pain in the arse.

CajunMom's picture

I tried for 12 years. Tried to make things work, in spite of the disgusting way SKs treated me and behaved in our marital home. I guess I always new I was not important to them but the co-dependency in me spurred me on, to my own detriment. My desires/goals weren't wrong....they were just unattainable.

Today, 3+ years completely disengaged (haven't seen or spoken to any of them) with a clear understanding that I am NOTHING to DH's kids, I am happy and doing so much better. As for death, DH and I have that covered, lock, stock and barrel. Everything is spelled out legally. If DH dies before me, I'll have to see them at the memorial and the lawyers can deal with them after that.

Disengagement rocks in the HC Step World.

Missingme's picture

Does your husband realize that you mean nothing to them? And, if so, is that why he has you taken care of lock, stock, and barrel, as you say? Because he loves you enough to make sure you're taken care of?

Olivia2020's picture

well y'all, after I was married to the exNarcH, he told me that his PSA and T levels were rising and that he was going to put his employer paid life insurance policy in my name....to the tune of $5K. He had a larger policy through employer that he paid into for exSD20 and exSD/DaughterWife23. He also had a large term life insurance policy too that was in both of their names. 

A week later...

Me: Where is the paper that you said you would print to show me as the beneficiary for the $5K policy you told me about?

Him: Oh, I still need to get with the HR lady to get it changed. (he kept a little book of a to-do list & I saw it had been scratched out)

Another week later:

Me: I'm getting my important documents switched over to my new (married) last name, do you have the printout of the policy change? 

Him: Um...if I die just call the company to find out. 

Me: (long pause): So I just call the company and try to tell the HR person, who doesn't know me, of an insurance policy that I need access to? So look, if you die before me, even though the house is in both of our names, your girls would not hesitate to kick me out on the street the day after you die. I need to know what to do in case you pass before me. Just 4 years ago your oncologist gave you 5 years to live and now your numbers are rising again and you're looking very grey. I'm worried and don't know how to prepare but it's something we need to talk about now that we're married and living in our new home. 

**Keep in mind exSD/DaughterWife23 was living there, supposed to be 3-4 months until she finished school...bf snuck in the month after I moved there.

Him: Oh, you will have 30 days to put the house on the market and find another place to live, they wouldn't kick you out the NEXT day. The $5K in the policy would give you enough money to move, put deposit on another place to live and fix up the house to sell. <<< False

Me: Sounds like you've had these discussions without me and already have a plan for me to leave my own house. It should be the decision where I would have DaughterWife find a place to live since she's a guest here and my name is on the deed, not hers. She would gladly hold the door open to kick me out based on her lack of respect of me in my home now. $5K isn't much, not when they'll have 15x more which will give them the power to kick me out. You and I bought this house together just a month ago. I"m confused. 

Him: Well, you're not on the mortgage for the house so you won't be financially liable for the house if I die first. I just had my will redone after we bought the house and the proceeds from the sale of the house will be split between both girls. 

*He and I closed on the house 2 days prior to the marriage and I was not mentioned anywhere and no mention of spouse in his new will (I snooped and found it). Also, the date on the will was while we were legally married.

**Mind you he was riding me to pay my medical insurance premium on his company sponsored plan and pay HALF the mortgage and utilities while DaugherWife and her bf lived there full-time and paid and did nothing.

*I just moved to that city 3 hours away and was slowly builing up my new caseload as a contractor so I didn't have full-time pay yet

*I didn't need or want his medical insurance since the VA covers all my healthcare 100%

Me: How about no

Of course my asking to seek clarification on 'what's going on?' erupted him into rages because he couldn't think of lies fast enough.

The last thing I said to him about this topic, which was another nail in the coffin (pun intended) before I left: Now that we're married, I know for certain that those girls wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. Y'all already have a plan to get me out of here (the house at the time) before you're even buried. Of course you and they want me to do the stressful work of arranging your funeral while they sit back and continue to do nothing.

He brought it up prior to marriage and I agreed because I thought 'that's what spouses do.' He was intent on my doing this so his girls wouldn't have to and I already did it for each of my parents after they passed away. Gee, thanks, no thanks.

Sneaky stuff...if the step kids are not kind or respectful to you now, they won't be after their daddeeee passes. They might come out of the woodwork to lay claim on his will if he passes first. People do CRAZY things at weddings and especially at funerals! 

Miss T's picture

My DH also promised to change a will to protect me. That was 6 months ago and I haven't heard dicky bird about it since.

Luckily for me I anticipated this. I know who and what I'm working with. My attorney and I have devised a workaround. DH doesn't know about this, of course. I wonder if he has any notion why I haven't been on his a$$ to make the change he promised. No matter to me. He can "forget" to take care of his end of the bargain forever.

Bad faith all around. But what am I supposed to do--wait for DH to die and then hope SS takes pity on me and does the right thing? In another context, completely unrelated to this matter, DH has assured me that SS "isn't a bad guy." 'Mmkay. At least I've arranged to take care of DH if I go first. WIth the current state of things, which in all likelihood will remain unchanged, DH's inaction would leave me completely vulnerable and exposed to the whims of his kid.

Humbug on the whole business.

BPDHell's picture

It's funny you mention this. We watched the SGK for the first time last weekend, she's 5 months old. She adores me. DH was all gooey eyed and asked me something along the lines of do I feel like she's my grandbaby. I told him the truth, that yes, I do. What I didn't say is that I have no delusions that I will be a part of this child's life once he passes. Her mom, MSD, doesn't respond to my calls or texts now, while he's alive!lol He's so delusional about his kids sometimes. There's a slim chance she would stay in contact if she thought there was stuff she could get from me, because she's very materialistic, but I wouldn't be willing to play that game. I would likely never hear from the other 2 at all. None of them would even think about inheritance, I don't think it would really occur to them, although I will provide for them in my will (or maybe skip that generation and have it go straight to SGKs depending on circumstances). In any case, we are talking about setting up a trust because his kids can't be trusted with large sums of money. There's too great a chance they will destroy themselves. Everything we own now is marital property, but I will likely inherit some assets from my dad and those will go to my kids.

1dad4kids's picture

I'm not disengaged but I often wonder what would happen if DH passed. BM would likely stop SS11 from seeing us regularly and his relationship with his siblings and I would eventually evaporate as he doesn't exactly have the spine to stand up to his Mom. 

 

step-out's picture

Missing me... your post made me sad at first, but then I thought... I don't like my SKs much and will never love them either. It's quite an even "game".