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It is with great sadness that

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I post here that I gave my husband his walking papers and a ticket back to Twit.

Enough was just enough.  I talked to my counselor who was actually surprised that DH would be talking with his daughter right in front of me as he did.  But, the coup de foray for me was that a few days later he was trying to make it seem like it was ME that was the problem just like in the past.

Actually, he started trying to make me think that what I have experienced etc. is all in my Mind, especially when he tried to tell me that my best friend from childhood (who was a profiler for the FBI) was not in the FBI!   What the h*ll!  I know he doesn't klike her because she has backed me in dealing with Twit, but to try to distort my reality was the final straw.

I did this on Friday and I have been totally upset ever since.  DD is going to take a leave of absence, if she can, and come down and stay with me as she doesn't want me to leave my home right now.

DH (leave off the D) is staying in a hotel in town right now and has been burning the phone up leaving messages and trying to contact me.  I want none of it.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I will probably be posting today as I am really quite upset and distressed.  I mean, he was actually trying to tell me that my BFF was a liar and I was deluding myself in believing her!  Friends, I have seen her badge, been to where she was working out of etc.  Even met some of her co-workers.  And here is H telling me she is lying to me!

The person that lies is his daughter.  She couldn't tell the truth about anything if her life depended on it.  Yet H seems to believe a lot of the nonsense she spouts at face value which has always stunned me as soe of the carp is so totally  unbelievable.

That to me was the tipping point.  I think it is called gaslighting. 

Even counselor said that we needed at least a break from each other because there was obviously something going on here.

Thank heaven he can't get at my inheritance etc. because I  never co-mingled funds with him.

I feel awful because right now I feel duped, don't know if that makes sense or not.  Right now I am raw with all kinds of emotions.

newarkfo's picture

Your posts make my heart hurt - I know that no one can make it better right now, but time and distance will help.  You deserve someone who is there for you, and right now that person is yourself.

I wish all the best for you going forward, because you are going forward. 

 

tog redux's picture

It is called gaslighting - and good for you, for doing such a hard thing for your own sanity.  Take care of yourself.

Oldfool's picture

SDM

Sorry to hear of the breakdown of your relationship...dont take him back...let him stay with his TWIT!!!!!

notasm3's picture

I am so sorry that you are having to experience such despair and sadness because of his actions and non-actions.  This process is sort of like having to get a very painful operation to be whole and healthy again.  We are here for you. Post away. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks hereIam, but as long as he kept going back to listening to her, getting involved in her problems etc. this was probably alway going to be the outcome.  I just didn't want it and, perhaps, refused to admit that.  Oh H had times when he seemed to be better in dealing with her, but it seems he eventually always fell back into her trap of BS.

It would be fine for months and then the shoe would drop -- like when she showed up at our gated community unannounced.  I refused her entry, but when H came back and found her waiting outside, he brought her in.  That was upsetting to me because it seemed that even the gates could not keep her away from me.

hereiam's picture

Family dysfunction is a hard to get away from. That is his daughter, so I get it to a point, he doesn't want to completely turn his back on her, but he allows that dysfunction to creep into your marriage.

For him to try to turn it around and try to make you believe that YOU are the crazy one, is unacceptable.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yes, it is his daughter.  And I did try to deal with her but when she totally started getting her kicks by going off on me and then lying to her Father about what she did to me etc. THAT was more than enough.  And I stuck it out for a long time trying to make things work, get him to understand, etc.  The only person geting hurt was me.  Hell, I still shake when I thik about her,hear her voice, etc.  My stomach lurches etc.  She honestly scares, and justifably so, the begesus out of me.  My BFF, has even told me to stay away from her as she is dangerous to me.  And like many here, my friend means physically as well as mentally.

Gimlet's picture

Oh hon, I'm sorry.  I've been reading your posts for a long time and Twit sounds so, so unhealthy.  Your husband also has to be unhealthy to continue a relationship with her.   His refusal to set boundaries and keep you safe from her erratic and frightening behavior is unacceptable.

I know you feel terrible right now, but eventually the peace will come and you will be able to relax and enjoy life.  You probably don't even realize how much she's affected your flight or fight response, I would bet there is some level of hypervigilance about you all the time.  Getting away from my crazy family made me realize that I hadn't fully relaxed in years.

I've found great value in Al-Anon, not just for the addiction, but for the dysfunction overall.  It might help you too.

Take care of yourself and ((hugs)) 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks Gimlet - What I think when I read the stuff I wrote in my journals about what she did, said, etc. is that no one could possibly be like that.  If I hadn't lived it and dealt with her carp I wouldn't believe it.  Which is why I believe I am always trying to figure things out with her.  Oh, well.  Been there, done that.

bedazzled's picture

I understand 100% what that fear feels like. DH brought up SD again. And I have been sick and shaking for 2 days. I totally understand. Many many hugs to you!!!!!

Indigo's picture

gated community fiasco. I thought you were so clever to move & limit drive-by/drop-ins, and then DH let her in. My stomach clenched at that as I imagined how I would feel. 

A visceral fear on my part that my SO will open the door once more for SD to visit & it will become crazy-making.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yeah, H not only went after my BFF, but my DD as well saying that she would agree with me on everything.  DD has no problem telling me when I am "off the wall" on something.  But then she is not trying to step in and talk to him like she use to.

As DD says, "You (me) moved across country to get away from crazy and it followed you there and H let it back in".

beebeel's picture

You are feeling all sorts of nasty emotions right now, but the longer he and his drama, stress and antics stay away, the better you will feel. I hope you find peace with this decision soon. You put up with so much from this jerk and his useless daughter, you deserve to be free of them.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh, you can bet that when She hears she will start on him to "negotiate" for $$$$.  This is a woman that would and will throw dear old dad in a home after draining him dry and not bother until she gets that final phone call from the home.

As I have, at times, told him....if someone is too busy for you while you are healthy and able to do things with, they are not going to change when you become older, frail and need help because they can't be bothered. BUT, they will be there to see what they can collect on when you are gone.

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’m sorry.

 I hope you find freedom from StepHell and peace very soon.

SacrificialLamb's picture

He gaslighted you because he didn't think you would do anything. Mine did the same thing until I started moving boxes to a storage unit a few years ago.  Then he realized how serious I was.

Twit doesn't have a good relationship with her own family but you are the problem? Hahaha!  And my DH likes to rewrite history too if it is something that is convenient for him.  My counselor said he lived in the world of denial where he doesn't want to believe some hard truths about his children and the hand he had in raising them.

Another thing to consider....could he have the beginning of dementia?

Don't be surprised if he begs and begs for you to take him back.   Regardless of what you do, I hope you find peace moving forward. But I have heard the happiest women are older ones who are single and don't have to put up with any crap....or carp as you like to say!

And post away. Many of us here have had those bad times where we spent all day on the site.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Dementia - Could be.  He has had problems with understanding, etc. the last year or so but since he refuses to talk to the Doc about it what can I say.  If it is, it will soon be Twit's problem to deal with.  Wonder, how fast she will put him in a home 'cause she isn't going to be bothered unless there is $$$ involved for taking care of hm.

You know, that part about Twit and money I didn't see for a long time.  When we first meet she and her hubby were just in a new house and had young children so I figured it was just that money was tight.  But it isn't that, it is just plain being cheap and thinking only of herself and her babies.  Kind of teed at myself for not catching on to that sooner.  The ashtray and dirty napkins and greasy used grill set given to us when her children were grown speaks volumes, but H still looks at it as if she is poor etc.  Hell, her hubby makes in  well over $100,000 a year so they are NOT poor.

Aniki's picture

We're here for you. {{{hugs}}}

What a horrible thing to do! I, for one, find gaslighting to be a relationship killer. I was married to a narcissistic gaslighter and vowed to cut off anyone else who did that to me.

Is there any way you can block him from calling/messaging you? Send him one message stating that all communication will be through your attorney and then block him? Reject all calls that are unknown numbers (or blocked). In fact, I would get a second, temporary phone. Fill up the voicemail on the old phone (so he cannot leave voicemails). 

I'm sorry, hon. *sorry2*

Want2's picture

I’m sorry I don’t know your whole history but I get the feeling you still care very much about him and fear for his well being just as much as you care about your own. If I had a crystal ball I’d predict you will keep the lines of communication open.

 I hope that if I’m right (or even if not) you will take the time to rebuild your boundaries and make them absolutely impenetrable. YOU decide what enters your space both physically and mentally and what is not allowed. And YOU take responsibility for enforcement of those boundaries. 

It sounds like you have been dealing with boundary crashers and have been vulnerable to them. That’s something not between you and them but between you and yourself. I hope your counselor will address this with you stat!

CANYOUHELP's picture

Sorry this had to happen, but you need peace at this point in your life. Stress like step stress is a killer; you are doing the right thing. As the posters have stated, you must keep your boundaries and being with somebody like this is more lonely than being alone. You are protecting yourself now, do not let anybody waste the precious minutes of your life again.

lala-land's picture

I have followed you for a while now.  I have been in your position (yes I have a crazy adult SD and have experienced much of what you have and some stuff even worse).  I may be wrong, but you seem to be in the middle of a major panic attack, and trust me, this is the worst time to make life altering decisions.  Your husbands actions seem to be sending over the edge every time. You seem to be dragging all sorts of people into this drama in order to solidify your position against your husband and his child. Grabbing a phone out of his hand and tossing him out seem to be over reactions on your part, but that is what panic attacks can look like.  You may not want his daughter in your life, but is it realistic to expect him to feel the same way?  If that is the requirement, then perhaps you should share that with him and negotiate an agreement (if you want to preserve your marriage) or just divorce him now and end the drama. Life is way to short for this much drama.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Lala - This carp has been going on for over 8 years and I threw him out when we lived back by the problem.  He got better, for a while, and then started back up again and again.

Here is an example of what I use to put up with.  DH's son was seriously sick and had to have an operation that was very serious.  Twit had no intention of going down there UNTIL H mentioned he wanted to go down and be there as it was, well, life threatening.  So, Twit was going to watch our dog whle we went down.  Twit didn't like that, she wanted to go down first (her brother has no use for her) so she told H that her husband didn't want to watch our dog (though he earlier said no problem) and she was BUSY so she wouldn't be around to watch him (keep in mind she has dogs of her own), BUT if she went down first, H could go down the next week and she would have no problem watching the dogs!  Man, the illogic of her thinking is too much for me there.

H tells me this and I question him about the illogic of what she says....can't watch dog because too busy, her husband doesn't want to be bothered by the dog, BUT, miraculously if she goes down first she can watch dog the  next week.  Ummm, if she is so busy the first week how can she even be "free" to go down there?  Anyway, H acts like it makes perfect sense...that's what she says,basically puts blame on Twit's hubby.  So, I stay home with the dog.  And Twit is upset because Daddy went down to be with his son so she takes it out on me until I put a stop to it.  CRAZY!   I mean, WHAT is wrong with me that I don't understand her "logic".

And for those of you who know my story....that is one of the main reasons I put my foot down on watching her dogs all the time.  The only time we needed help she couldn't be bothered because she wanted HER WAY!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Lala - I am not in a panic attack.  I am totally pissed off at his behavior in this matter.  Enough is enough.  I am smart enough to have waited some time, and spoken to my counselor about the situation.  It was his starting to go after me by gaslighting that did me in.  Until I threw him out I had not even spoken a word about this to my DD.  As for my BFF, have not even talked to her about this.  It was H that brought up to me that she was lying, only because I was teed off about him bring toxic Twit back into our lives again and again.  Sadly, in the past sometimes when this stuff happened I would just let it go because, well, it was like hitting my head against a brick wall BUT I know what is real and what is not.

This is not the first time with the gaslighting carp from him.  Fortunately, I journal and when something seems strange or bothers me I write about it, as well as normal things like a beautiful sunset, life, thoughts, insights, etc.  Lying has never been my thing.  My reputation has been one of if I say it you can take it to the bank that it happened.  I do not gossip or make up stories.

marblefawn's picture

Wishing you well -- when this passes, you'll find the happiness and peace you deserve. Take care of yourself.

notasm3's picture

Please do not let anyone feed you the "this is his daughter" crud.  It doesn't sound like you would even come close to buying that stuff anyway.

My husband has a son and a grandson (3 years old) who live about 15-20 minutes away from our primary home.  I requested that DH keep SS away from me almost 2 years ago - and bless his heart DH has done that.  That does not mean that DH had to "turn his back" on his son and grandson.  It means that they are NOT in MY life.I have nothing against the poor 3 year old (who is cursed with worthless parents), but one does not see a 3 year old without parental involvement.

My DH has for the most part not even mentioned SS's name except sometimes in discussing something that happened when SS was a small child.  When we were buying a new car DH wanted to use the dealership where SS works, but he did not object when I nixed that.

What you were asking was not out of line in the least.  Your DH failed to protect you.  

I wonder how your DH would have coped had you been seriously ill.  Would he have stepped up the plate to take care of you?  I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious degenerative nerve disorder.  It may respond to treatment or it may not.  But right now I am in a wheelchair.  DH has stepped up and literally waits on me hand and foot without not one complaint.  He does all the cleaning, laundry, driving, shopping, cooking, etc.  I swear I spend half my day saying "No honey I don't need anything to eat or drink" because he asks me that very often.

I do try not to be totally helpless although sometimes I have to force him to let me do something myself.  I have stayed at our vacation home by myself a few times while he goes back to our primary home for Dr. appts., etc.  I'm sure he sees his son (but not in our home) during these visits - but I am not forced to hear about them.

I wish you a bright future.

somethingwicked's picture

You are amazing.

You are my hero!

And what a complete and utter A-Hole is your "H".  A real traitor.

She's Driving Me ,make the break complete in the courts, too.

I am ecstatic for you. 

What an idiot  he is ,too, if he believes Twit is not dangerous.. 

Go ahead and cry and scream and laugh and let it all out. When you are done don't look back .

I stand  with  and support 1000%  your decision . 

Can you imagine  life without the great anxiety ,fear and anger that has been your experience  for too many years?

And all because of this Toxic Piece of Sh-T Twit has been able to "get" to you, scuttle your sense of security and peace even after moving hundreds of miles away from the  crazy.

. And  it was "H" was right there in your home  handing her the keys to the kingdom.She was there in spirit through him strumming your fear and anxiety whenever  he demonstrated his deference to Twit or gaslighting you into thinking you are over reacting or his pushing  some other  lie about his darling Twit..

I guess he never believed that she is a certifiable dangerous nut job.The nut never falls far from the tree so maybe he's got  issue too.

I know you are hurting now but you will be happier and healthier soon.Congratulations , hon .

Soon you will be like "Twit who?" lol

You are taking back all of your power and demonstratng for anyone who comes here looking for answers to escape the pain and fear of StepHell that it is NEVER to late  to put yourself first . You are amazing .

lala-land's picture

I am in total agreement with you, that your husbands daughter should not have any access to you (that means no email, no texts, no letters, no phone calls, no personal visits or via other people).  It is always best to keep crazy people out of your life.  But apparently your husband does not feel the same as you, even after the wedding fiasco. Is there any way he can maintain minimal contact with his daughter and his grandchildren and not upset you?  If not, then you may have to end your marriage.  I did not mean to question your integrity.  I just questioned your reaction to walking in on a phone call.  You have every right to be angry.  This amount of drama is not healthy for you and I hope you find a way to end it and get some peace in your life.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Lala -You didn't upset me....right now everything upsets me (LOL)  No, not really.  It is just hard work to come to this realization about all the years I have put up with garbage from both Twit and H in defending her.

Ah, the wedding fiasco.  Isn't it amazing?  She jerked him around for months about that, actually longer.  And me too with sending me pot and pan catelog so we could shower the BTB at Twit's profit.  That in itself, and H;s other daughter who also stays away from Twit.  Do note I didn't give H a ticket to her, but one back to his problem child.

In all respect, I think the writing was on the wall when I went up to stay with my DD for those weeks.   I know I wanted to extend my time up there but I knew I was putting off the inevitable.

It was strange this morning going to church by myself, but I did it before and will do it again.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I will take some time out to think things through before filing papers for divorce.  That is something very heavy and one needs to be certain one is just not acting out of being peeved. 

Indigo's picture

You tried so hard over-and-over. I'm sorry that you had to pull the trigger to stop the insideous crazy from impacting your life constantly.  You are not the crazy one in this dynamic.  Protect yourself. {Hugs}

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yes, I did try hard, over and over.  But as long as he keeps letting her craziness back in it is futile.  I see that now and feel stupid for putting up with his carp on this so long.  Shame on me.

I will bet that when H goes bac kto Twit it won't be long before she has him in some old folks warehouse because she doesn't want to be bothered.  Too busy selling pots and pans and being totally into herself etc.  Once there she won't bother at all with him, hell, except to cry to him, etc., she doesn't bother with him now.....not a birthday card, father;s day card....nadda.

fairyo's picture

Hi there-I'm sorry you had to go through all this but well done for putting an end to it finally. This time last year TheX was making my life miserable too- I don't want to re-visit that fiasco even in my head- but it is almost 8 months since I ended it and I just wanted to tell you that I should have done it sooner. I now have a smaller, but lovelier home in many ways- I continue to enjoy my job and my friends and just about everything about my life right now. Someone above posted that single women of a  certain age are better on their own and I have to say I think it is true. I have absolutely no need for any more messed up men in my life and I don't agree that he may be desperate to have you back- TheX has never contacted me at all and I'm sure he's loving his life too (haha) but even if he does after a time on your own and Twit free why on Earth wouldyou give him any time at all? 

1StepForward2's picture

What stands out to me is the deceit when he made you feel you were on the same page even moving away. He hasn’t changed one bit and really doesn’t seem to get it.

When DH and I went to marriage counseling he agreed with everything she said concerning SS and I felt secure in that. But actions showed he was lying which made me feel tricked into staying with him.

We are step kid free right now but when I think about that time in our lives it still pisses me off.

Stay strong. You certainly tried. Doesn’t seem like he put you first after all you’ve been through.

Focused_onourlife's picture

SMS, I'm so sorry to hear this, i was really rooting for you two after your trip. You know your DH better than me and you know what he's capable of. Follow your heart and take care of yourself. I hope you do not have to file the papers and your DH realize he has to have 2 separate lives by keeping the crazy Twit away from you and your marriage once and for all. Praying he does the right thing and make things right with his Wife. This break may be a good thing for him to realize how serious YOU are. Sending hugs your way

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yeah, I was too.  But if you look back you will note that it took  him forever t make the decision to join us in Vegas rather than go to THE WEDDING.  I can't believe he even considered going after all the jerking around they did to him, and me, about it.  Not invited, buy pots and pans for the BTB, oh, now you  have to come, etc.  Geez Louise, what a crock.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Yes, and I thought he had an emphany when he went to Vegas. I agree with another poster that he may not want to turn his back on his daughter BUT at what cost? To make you feel like you are imagining things? And it's you not ms. cray, cray just being delusional as she has proven? I admire the fact that you are fed up and standing your ground with your DH so much, I just hate to see you lose your marriage over this b***h and his incompetence to see her for who she is. 

I honestly thought your next post would be pure joy since he went on the trip with you and not the wedding, after the move with you. This crazy lady has some hold over him and I agree with you on putting a stop to the non sense, I just hope he opens his eyes and see your perspective before it's too late. I'd hate to see him come this far attempting to be in your corner to let this fail your union. I'm still rooting for you'll but truley understand your stance.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yeah, I was too.  But if you look back you will note that it took  him forever t make the decision to join us in Vegas rather than go to THE WEDDING.  I can't believe he even considered going after all the jerking around they did to him, and me, about it.  Not invited, buy pots and pans for the BTB, oh, now you  have to come, etc.  Geez Louise, what a crock.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks all.  I'm taking care of me.  I changed the locks on the house so he can't get in.  He has been ringing the phones off the hook but I don't bother...I just turn down the ringer and go on with MY life.  He was  back at the house, couldn't get in and I certainly did not open the door.  At least he isn't the type to make a scene, his Twit has all that gene.  I put a lot of his stuff in boxes by the garage door so he has a lot of his clothes etc.

Left a note that he loves me and really wants to talk to me about things.  Nope, just can't do it now, last time I would talk to him while we were separated trying to work things out, even with the counselor we saw back then.

No one tries to make me think that I don't know what is going on around me.  But when he says my BFF wasn't in the government agency she was and I have known her all my live, etc., THAT was strange.  Especially when I corrected him and he blew me off with a:  "okay, if you say so".

FWIW, I have the only car so he has had to rent a car.  Too bad.

SoDisappointed's picture

Like all the other posters, I feel so sorry for what you have had to live with and what you are going through now. I am in the same boat, only it’s my soon to be exWife and her dysfunctional family. 

A marraige should be the priority for both husband and wife. While being a parent means being there for your kids, if you put your spouse into any position other than your priority, you put your marriage at risk.

Too many people put up with too much crap for way too long, hoping their spouse will suddenly come to their senses. Sadly, that’s very rare. They are who they are and if the children control them, they will never change. 

I have had my fill, and done many things to try to make my so called marriage tolerable, but will file for divorce after the first of the year. 

I wish you peace and happiness as you go through all of this. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You know what is strange?  I don't seem to be that anxious over this decision.  I feel calmed down, not all the way, but quite a bit since I showed him the door.  I thought I would be crying, unconsolable, etc., but that is not so.  I AM PIZZED about him tring to make me think things aren't what they truly are.  He use to do that to me about things his daughter said to me, now he is on to my support people....my daughter, my BFF.  And that disturbs me.

I hate to throw the towel in on what would have been 25 years of marriage in 6 months, but this is NUTS!

I want to be careful because like a few others, I wonder about his mental state as we age, I  have seen some slowing down, some not grasping things, forgetting, etc.  But that will be up to him to go to the doctor now.  On that I mentioned it to him once and had my head bitten off for doing so.  The old"  there's nothing wrong with me.

Talk to counselor tomorrow.  See what she has to say.

sandye21's picture

SDM, So sorry to hear that your DH did not take the proper steps to resolve the problem.  It would have been very easy of him to refrain from phone discussions with Twit in front of you.  For whatever reason, he chose not to do it just as he is choosing not to see a counselor.

When he says there is nothing wrong with him that is the strongest justification yet for giving him his walking papers.  You have to explained the importance of his support and your right to feel safe over and over again.  You have proven over and over again that Twit tells lies and you don't.  And here we go - again with him reversing it all on you,  No one should be required to put up with this for the sake of a relationship.  I know I wouldn't.  You deserve better.  Good for you for standing your ground and doing what is in your best interests.  Also know that virtual (((((HUGS))))) surround you.

Sorry for not replying right away - we were out of the country.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Sandye - Hope you had a great trip wherever you went.

Yes, push has come to shove, as they say.  And you know that he would always start "manning up" i dealing with Twit and back me for awhile, and then seem to backtrack.  Kind of like one step forwards, two back, or two steps forward,  one back.

I felt that he was trying to attack my support people, to make them look wrong.  Maybe, maybe not, but that was my thought. And it just, well, pushed me over the line.

Here I am , going to counseling trying to deal with his mess and he is telling me that my support people are not what I know them to be?

I heard from the Good Daughter today who heard from him, he wanted to go stay with her, but she's not having him!  Also, she is taking care of her hubby's mom and one is enough, which I agree.

SMARTLY, I said nothing about what I think etc., just listened but was quite surprised when she said that her Father needs to let Twit sink or else she is going to take him down with her.  And of course I had no response....not going to say anything about her father, just the facts, 

She did say her father is a fool if he doesn't do whatever it is he has to to patch things up IF they can be patched up (she got nothing from me on that either).

sandye21's picture

SDM, The inconsistency is so hard to deal with.  If he had remained in a certain mindset instead of vacillating back and forth it wouldn't have been so bad.  There was no way you could trust DH to have your back or not.  He knew why you wanted nothing to do with Twit.  He should have cut his conversation with her the second your hand touched the doorknob.  Is he so addicted to the Twit-drama that it clouds his better judgment, or is he retaliating because you are getting the validation that you are right and the Twit-games he takes part in are sick?

His attacks on your support network demonstrate how threatened he was by people who saw the truth.  If you didn't go to therapy and you didn't maintain contact with your friend who had expert knowledge of sociopathic tendencies, DH might have had a chance to convince you that you were wrong, and his relationship with Twit was not the sick game everyone else said it was.  By undermining your support, he is eliminating validation for what you - and he knows is not right.  He is merely trying to re-shift the blame on you instead of finding the courage to inform Twit that he loves her but his marriage comes first.  For things to be patched up your DH is going to have to demonstrate both to you and to Twit that he is serious about his commitment to your marriage.  I'm sure you don't mind him speaking to Twit on the phone - just not in your presence.  Truly, this is NOT too much to ask for.  .

Believe me - none of us knows what is ahead of us.  Tomorrow my DH could decide for whatever reason that he wants to re-establish or improve his relationship with SD.  This is fine as long as this doesn't affect our marriage.  But there are certain things of which I have informed DH are non-negotiable.  This is the hill I would climb and as sad as it would be, I would take the same action you are.

It's all about self-respect, SDM.  (((HUGS)))

Missingme's picture

Wow, she's.  You're a strong woman and I truly admire your decision to keep your sanity.  I wish I had the cajones to do the same.  DO-NOT change your mind, please, for the sake of all of us.  Show us that taking control of our lives is possible.  I'm actually afraid for you and jealous of you at the same time.  Stay around family and friends all through the holidays, okay?  Stay busy.  

still learning's picture

I'm sorry that DH was so dense about the situation with his daughter.  It's possible to maintain a relationship with a troubled child/family member without exposing your spouse to it.  DH obviously does not know how to do this.  Enjoy your peace.  

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You are right, he kept letting her in.  I would take steps to make sure I didn't hear from her, unplug answering machine, etc. and he would put it back on.  And I would shake when I heard her voice, and even at times was jumpy because just the fact that she was outthere in the world somewhere scared the carp out of me.

It was never a matter of if she was going to rear her ugliness in our lives again, it was when.  And it was too offen, too much.

Missingme's picture

Wow, either the step daughter is outright evil or you've let it/her take over your mind.  Not trying to be a smartarse, but did you ever get therapy for having to endure all that?  By the way, I hope this message finds you feeling great about your brave decision to leave!  

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I did therapy a few years aback about this situation and H and I kind of had it undercontrol but it also included a move across country away from Twit to a gated community.

When she started up again, and again, I would find myself shaking, crying, knot in my stomach and H went back to the old chestnut about how SHE wants to be friends etc., I need to be BIG about it.

Thanks to good people here I just started with a counselor who deals with PTSD and actually has a clue about me.  So I am at counseling, trying to take care of me and handle this only to come home to H on the phone with Twit consoling her about her latest drama!  This eventhough he knows how the very sound of her voice makes me shake (you have to know all I have endured over some 7+ years).

Harry's picture

Never get the answers you are looking for.  There is something wrong with your EX, he doesn’t see it.  This is the first day of the rest of your life !!! 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

FWIW, DD flew here on Friday eveing.  Still  haven't talked to H, though DD has.  He wants to come for Thanksgiving!  DD told him she'd let him know, but to make his own plans anyway.

DD said that she told him flat out that there was something wrong with his daughter, no if ands or buts.  She said he mad a sound as those he was going to say something but stopped.  Guess he just can't argue with the obvious of what everyone that has had to deal with her knows.

Oh, for those of you interested, I myself personally changed the locks.  Not hard at all.  I didn't want to wait to have someone come out I was so pizzed.

Have calmed down substantially but have made no final decisions.  This is a big thing and not to be taken lightly.

And some of you are right....H dislikes my support group.  Oh not DD, but my BFF.  He has disliked her since the time she advised me that I should have absolutely nothing to do with Twit, and the reasons.   He knows she did this because she was at my home (at the other place) when she did it.  She witness a Twit performance first hand and how wacky it was.  DH didn't care that she was supporting me against a Twit onslaught.  He was in another area of the house and overheard what she had to say to me about CRAZY.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

I find it interesting after all these years of following this story, that DH chose Twit.  I think once you get further into therapy, that the signs were all there that he too is of a sociapathic type.  Birds of the feather flock together and he has never truly cut the cord as others have in her family  

Divorce will bring out the truth about his character and then you will know.  I'm not so sure he is a victim of Twit , maybe more like her than we would ever like to admit.  Stay strong and firm with him.  

joan mary's picture

So sorry to hear that it has come to this.  Even when there is good reason to separate, it is always painful. 

I have loved your posts, your "take no shit" responses, and your wild stories about the Twit.  One thing I would suggest would be to research Narcissist Personality Disorder.  I have a couple of family members, past and present, with this disorder.  The chaos, disorder, and triangulation that they live by is painful to normal people.  It is also amazing to see how NPD can suck  those close to them into their insanity. 

Stay sane and trust your gut. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Joan Mary - Twit is beyound narcisisstic, she is a lot more.  My BFF pretty well told me what I could expect when dealing with her.  For instance, my BFF told me long time back not to expect an invite to that wedding because Twit was going to control everything and anything she could.  Then, after she has everyone feeling awful she steps in and rescues the day (in her mind) when in reality all involved are peeved off.  She even instigates things, stirs the pot,  by putting people against each other with stories she tells.  She has done that to H and I many a time and it has caused BIG problems.

Oh well.  H doesn't get it that I feel with him letting her in our lives, I always have to be watching over my back, on the alert, etc. because I never know what she is going to start up.  Like being in a combat zone where the enemy is not attacking but you know he is out there just waiting the right opportunity.

Missingme's picture

Yes, trust your gut.  We women have a keen sense of perception that we all too often, and to our peril, ignore!  Best to you!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yes, I am trusting my gut on this, which is why I am giving myself time to feel and think.  Right now I don't want to talk to H, it is too upsetting.

Rags's picture

I am so sorry to hear this.  Please take care of you and do what you need to do to enjoy your life.

He was doing so well for a while after the move.  I guess the gravitational pull of planet Twit was just too much for him to overcome.

How calm you are with this decision speaks volumes. 

Take care of you.

Even as this progresses please stay.  I am 8-ish years past the drama in my blended family life and this place remains a major connection to my sanity.

And (((((((Hugs))))))

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh Rags (hug) thank you so much.  It does seem strange to be at this point AGAIN.  While I feel calm, one thing I feel is deceived.  Was he playing me and I didn't see it because I wanted the drama with Twit to be over?  Don't know.

He obviously wants to talk to me but I just don't want to right now.  DD has talked to him a few times.  She suggested that if I talk to him I do it personally and I do it while she is here with me.

As I said earlier....when she talked to him she told him flat out that there was something seriously wrong with his daughter.  She thought for a mloment he was going to say something but he didn't.  As DD says, how can he even try to say that Twit is any where near normal.  That is one thing she wants to ask him if we let him come by, just what the h*ll he knows is wrong with Twit.  He has hinted and walked around it many a time with me but never said anything direct - named the problem.

Not that it would make any difference because she IMHO can't be fixed, but at least knowing what exactly I am dealing with and hearing it from him would make it REAL between the two of us.  But even with that he has to make the complete break.  I'm a strong lady but I also have feelings and feeling like I am constantly under attack by her, through her phone calls, mail, and other carp, even when she is physically not around is getting to be too much.

Just look how she jerked us around about that wedding. 

Time will tell.

Thanks again.

fairyo's picture

Good luck lovely lady- it won't be easy but you will get there. I'm sorry he's making it worse by trying to drag you back in, but keep your eyes on your life ahead and try not to look back. 

Keep us in the picture too, and carry on spending time with people who appreciate you, including us!

Starlightwest's picture

Wow - read over this post and some things stood out to me like huge red flags regarding your H. Telling you your bff is a liar and not really working for the FBI and also trying to twist things he did and make it like it’s your fault. Those are exactly the things my exH did. He had a raging case of NPD. He also called incessantly when I finally kicked him out and begged to come back. Sounds like you may have the same situation on your hands and not just H but his DD, too. They’re vampires and will suck the life out of you. Stay strong!!