You are here

is it fair to expect the same from a 17yr old as a 26 yr old

billie40's picture

My partner of 11 years can't seem to help himself. When he is stressed about his own kids, he incessantly picks on mine - usually to me. Mostly, I can brush it off, but sometimes he pick's till he gets a response.

We live with my 2 daughters 12 and 17, and until recently, his son13, in 50/50 care. SS13 has decided he wants to stat at his mum's - freedom and bribery - and to be honest, It's taken alot of pressure of us. Now dysfunctional SS26 is going to be living with us. He is particularly lazy and lives like a pig. Last time he moved in, we (partner & I) argued 24/7.

My partner really doesn't want him back...but is guilted out easily.(victim child of divorce - yes he left ss26 mother.....20yrs ago)

Whats bothering me is how projects his disappointment in ss26 onto my bd17. I pulled him up on it..again.. but he doesn't think a 9 year age gap is relevant in expectations of a "child".

I know we are in for problems. I don't think we should be financially supporting SS26. I don't feel we should be obliged to taxi him around, because he won't get his license. I don''t want his filth in my face - this "kid" has had moldy plates on his sink for over 4 month's. He literally stinks because he wont shower.

I don't mind running bd to work at this stage, and she's doing driving lessons. She works f/t and also a fair amount of board. She can be a slob for sure - as most that age seem to. But she's 17, not 26.

Partner called me pathetic today, because I brought a plate out of bd's room, after I had been in there talking to her. I know however, he's really peeved cause he'd just seen the state of SS26 kitchen. He won't discuss it with me....just picks instead.

He say's it's because he dosn't want 17 to turn out like 26. How do I get him to see his tactics really suck.

caregiver1127's picture

Tell him flat out that SS26 can not move in - that is disgusting what you just described - smelling and dirty dishes but the biggest thing is he does not have a drivers license and I would not want this thing around my daughters. Tell your Dh no no no no - he is an adult time to grow up and start acting like one.

You partner is also an idiot for comparing a 17 year girl to a 26 year old man - and the expectation is BS - your daughter is still a "child" to some extent and you SS is suppose to be an "adult". As far as financially supporting him and taxing him around - tell your partner the reason all this shit is now happening is because he has been treated as a child of divorce all these years. He was not a child of abuse he was a child of divorce - the way these parents treat their kids you would think that they were abused for years - I am sorry you have to deal with this crap - saying prayers.

PS - set a certain amount of time that SS26 can live there or he will never leave.

Your partner will not see that his tactics suck because his excuse is he does not want the 17 to turn in the 26 year old - that is ridiculous it is because of him that the 26 year old is the way he is - so he is projecting his disappointment and knowing he has screwed up onto your daughter - tell him when your daughter turns 26 if she is still living at the house and not driving and does not have a job then he can say something until then he needs to STFU!!!!

billie40's picture

ridiculous is an understatement ..... every time I try to bring it up he gets angry and finds more to pick on.

All our friends and family are astounded by partners attitude, and that ss26 is moving back

... I really am at a loss here.... If I try to discuss how this is going to work, he turns the whole conversation back to it all being ME having a problem. He is right there _ I've got a BIG problem with it.

Partner can't stop viewing 26 as a child...and 26 rides it for all he can.

I'm really worried how this is going to affect us.

caregiver1127's picture

You really need to put a stop to it - it is going to totally affect you and I hate to say it but may be the end of the 2 of you - you are going to resent the shit out of your partner once SS has moved back in. Your partner needs to grow up and let his son grow up - Good luck!

PS - your husband needs to start to respect your opinion about his kids - you have been there a long time - you better make clear that if he disagrees with you about 26year old he better keep his mouth shut in front of the SS or I guarantee your life will be hell - SS26 will have daddy on his side and then you will be miserable.

billie40's picture

yep...thats what I'm worried about.

We had relationship problems based around SS13, who learnt early the art of manipulation. (I brought this child up as my own since he was 2).
He would ''tell" on me (I glared at him for being insolent ect) and his daddy would "tell me off" in front of him - no parental discussions. If SS13 said it - it must be the truth.
SS13 learnt he got daddy all to himself and spoilt, if we were arguing. His BM hell set on revenge had a fair bit to do with this kids attitude. - If we split, no doubt she would get full custody.

My kids were always in the wrong blah blah....It almost ended us.

Fortunately partner couldn't deny calls from the school principal among others, asking him to control his unruly, misbehaved, disobedient, disrespectful destructive trouble making son. SS13 couldn't stand the lectures from his dad, and bm is hardly easy. Move back to mums. Partner hurt by kids decision, but got over it.

Since ss13 has been living with bm full time, life was harmonious(mostly).

Partner expects me to just "deal" with ss26....says he doesn't like it either, but it's his "kid".....agggggh

caregiver1127's picture

SS26 is not a child - he is not his "kid" either - it is DH's Grown Adult Son - that is the problem your DH is seeing a kid and he isn't - this could turn out very bad for you and him and your children. Good luck!

oneoffour's picture

If your SO wishes to continue the 'child of divorce' scenario simply tell him the next time he picks on your daughter "Hey! Don't be mean! She is the child of a divorce!"

He cannot use that line only on his own kids.

I would sooner move out than let him move back in. Of course there is the possibility the man is seriously depressed or suffering from some disorder. Maybe he needs more sunlight/ Vitamin D??? This is me being nice here....

I would sit him down and explain that as long as he continues to excuse his children's antisocial behaviour and not allow you to call the shots in your own home then you will need to reconsider this arrangement. Why would you want to expose your daughters to such a way of life?