Issues with trust
In light of all that has happened to DH and I in the last 4 years has really just gotten to me lately. DH and I both have disengaged from SD19 and now his family. I should be happy and deep down I am but then why do I feel so down lately? Why do I feel this sense of fear and this sense of insecurity? Its so hard to explain how I feel so I am just going to write and hope it all comes out the way I need it to.
I feel lack of trust for most people around me after all that we went through..I mean his family even turned on us which seriously I don't know why I let it bother me when honestly they are the most judgmental and crabby people I have ever met in my life and every holiday there is always some sort of drama with them and I don't want them back in my life so I cant understand I am not jumping for joy. SD19 well if you read my stuff again happy that she is out of my life but why again am I not jumping for joy?
Why do I feel so yuck lately and so hurt, yet hurt might be it. Betrayed. I feel hurt for my DH too, he is such a kind, loving soul and I am not just saying that. He is a supervisor at his job and regular workers know they can trust him and vent to him about anything. He is the type of man that would give his shirt off his back for anyone. He is loyal, he loves me more then life itself. He treats me like gold, I mean yes we have our couple issues and looking back at the 4 years of hell we went through just thinking about who he is makes me know why we happened to survive that and not end up in divorce. I watched him in the last 12 years be the best dad to ALL of his daughters. (2 from previous marriage and our two together). I look my babies and I look at him and I couldn't have picked a better man to be my husband and especially the father of my children. I hurt for him. I hurt deeply for him. His own daughter created such turmoil and pain for him and now his family just did the same. They told him he is a horrible father and failed his daughter. Giving SD19 the ability to not take any fault. I just can never forgive them and I can never forgive her.
which brings me to the next topic. Forgiveness. We are a very Christian family (DH, Myself and our little girls DD8 and DD3). This wasn't us always, it happened when we were broken from all the crap we went through that literally brought us to our knees. We had no where to turn and when we moved to another town, which this town saved us and I will get into that in a bit. When we moved we knew with all the praying we spent doing and this came out of no where by the way, the praying just started on its own. We needed to find a good church. We felt we were not getting anything out of our Lutheran church and so we found this church that is just different. I think its a common type of church but never had been to one. It is bible based, it has a live band and we sing Christian songs and it is focused on all ages so we love it and our kids love it. I know my children are just as Christian as we are as if you ask my 3 year old who made her she will say "God did" and my 8 year old after watching us and learning the meaning behind it wants to get baptized by immersion. Anyways to get to the point...I struggle with the whole thing on forgiveness and I know its the Christian thing to do BUT I CANT and I DONT WANT to. Is this normal? I know I wasn't created to be perfect and I know that I do things wrong but I am afraid if I forgive then they will be welcomed back in my life and I cant do that. Too much damage has been done, mentally, physically and health wise.
Why do I feel the way I do rather then feeling joy? Why do I fear her (SD19) coming back into our lives...DH doesn't want her back but I constantly fear she will come back. I don't want her back. I cant stand her face or who she is and what she did to us. I actually feel I hate her but yet if I hate her then why do I hurt? I must love her, I know I loved her like a daughter once but now I really despise her and I also feel the same towards DHs family.
I feel I lack trust in people. I used to be the big hearted person who gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I trust very few and I have become less out going in the sense of not really wanting to let too many people in. I feel I even sometimes don't trust my older SD22 who has been a saint to me and confides in me and even though she has a relationship with her mother even tells me to be careful what I tell her mother because her mother backstabs me (I already knew this, no issues with it, its BM and its who she is but its the simple fact that SD22 looks out for me that way). I mean SD22 still sees SD19 and even though she is really good with us about the situation I find myself feeling like I cant trust her at times. I don't know why and I shouldn't as she is a good girl. I don't know if its just the whole I want SD19 out of all of our lives or what. Like I seen a cover photo on facebook on SD22's page and it was her mother, herself and SD19 so right away the trust goes out the window.
Look I don't even know if any of this is making sense to any of you but I obviously needed to get this all off my chest because half way through it I broke down and cried. You know one of those hard cries that almost make you feel better after your done with it. I feel so much right now and I don't think I can possibly feel anymore. I feel so broken. Yet I should be happy that they are all gone because like I said, I don't want any of them back.
Today DH went to therapy with me and it really helped. He did this for me but as we were there I let him talk more then me, the reason...I know he hurts and truly I know he benefited from it. He is a man so its hard to open him up to therapy but he really liked the therapist so who knows, maybe he will go. He copes differently then I do. I fell asleep tonight at 7pm and woke up at 11pm to everyone in bed and a letter to me. This is what the letter said from my DH. It kinda made me cry.
"My name, You are blessed to be a blessing. Be a blessing to those who are in need and those who truly love you. We are not perfect but we are perfect in Christ's love. The Devil will dwell in our minds of regrets and what could have been but through his love we are saved. I love you, Love (nickname I give him) "
I don't know, well maybe I do a bit but what he means by this. What was going through his mind? He never writes this kind of stuff. I don't know, I went and crawled in bed and snuggled him for a bit after I read it. I think he was hurting tonight. It makes me feel so sad for his pain. I love him so much.
I am sorry if I sound confusing. Also sorry to talk of my religion so much as I try not to do that but it is a part of me. I am posting this in both the adult step section and the general section to get as many views as I can to maybe shed light on the way I feel. Thank you for taking the time to read. I feel better getting it all out.
I have to run to work but I
I have to run to work but I wanted to jot down a few thoughts.
Forgiveness.. It's not reconciliation.
When you feel you hate them.. pray for them in the midst of the hate. Pray for their blessing and for justice. It's helped me to pray for the person that hurt me when the last thing I feel like doing is praying. I am praying out of anger, not love. Oftentimes, that's all I have. Praying helps me to eventually feel (feeling not essential I think) forgiveness.
Praying for them can help offset that tendency ruminate over their sin.
Time is a great healer. If you don't have to keep experiencing the pain (disengagement), than time works wonders. The first year or so (after disengagement) I was very angry and sad. It's gotten much better.
Grief. This whole situation is very sad. We hail our freedom gained from disengagement. The truth is, few of us wanted it to come to this. We hoped for something better. Distancing ourselves from our DHs family is truly sad for both us and our husbands. It is something to grieve.
Trust... I think as we get older, we may trust less. There is good reason for this. People do fail us, over and over. This inability to completely trust others due to the fall is a tragedy. The thing is, it's temporary. This place really is temporary and we will come to a place where we can trust others for eternity. The span of this life is just a drop in the ocean compared to eternity.
Disappointment with people can bring us to the one we can trust completely, God.
nodoormat -- this is so good!
nodoormat -- this is so good! Thank you for that. "I" needed that.
o
o
o
o
I! too, feel the same way. I
I! too, feel the same way. I feel as if I hate my ss and my Inlaws. We no longer have contact with them either. Also like you we are involved in our church. At times, it is hard to feel like a good Christian when you have anger and hatred running through you. I posted a blog on it just a few days ago and got some very wise responses about how god wants us to turn away from those that would hurt us.
Forgiveness is about us and not them. It is a process of letting go for ourselves so we don't carry around the negativity. It is not the same as saying what these people did was ok and it's not about "making up" with them.
I am still working on the prayer part. I know God wants me to pray for everyone. I am not there yet.
I have found that my "recovery" from these negative people has been a journey. At times. I can go weeks without thinking of them or the pain that they caused. At other times I find myself ruminating about them for days on end. To some degree, I am just trusting that this is part of the process and what I need to go through to come out on the other side healthy and happy.
I, too, worry about my dh. I know he feels much more pain than I do. These people are his family and they have betrayed and disappointed him greatly. He does not want them back in our lives at all, but states it is hard to wake up and realize that his family of origin is simply gone. That he has no relationship with one of his children. It IS a very sad thing and it will take time to heal.
Your situation does sound
Your situation does sound similar to mine. I will have to look for and read that blog you put. I have been going to see my therapist more often, she is a Christian therapist, so basically God is my medication
I like it that way. She is having me read two books and I have already read one of them and on to the second. They already are helping me along with her to understand more. She is trying to teach me how to emotionally detach and set boundaries. Her and the books have also taught me that its ok to feel the way I do, God did not make me out to be perfect. God also does not want a person to be around constant negativity.
The books that I am reading (don't know if your a reader or not or are even interested but they are Christian based too).
Book 1: "Handling difficult people, what to do when people try to push your buttons" By: Dr. John Townsend
Book 2: "Boundaries, when to say yes and how to say no, take control of your life" By: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
So far I like them and so far I can relate so much to them, not to mention they are books that keep your interest so they are not boring. I am not a big reader so that is huge to me.
Anyways my husband doesn't want to see his family either anymore and neither do I after all the damage that was done. He is hurt too, he will say something every once in a while and it isn't good what he has to say about them but I can tell its out of hurt. The weird thing though, going through all of the stuff we did with SD19 and now his family and my past illness, plus combining our church which we LOVE has only made our marriage stronger. Seriously, its like I look at him and I am so in love. He and I both showed each other that through anything we really meant our vows.
I hope things get better for you and I will read that blog. So thankful for all the responses. I love this site. I need this support group.
I should also add that slowly
I should also add that slowly through therapy, realizing what the family has done and really realizing the damage in the last 4 years along with my illness, my church, my husband and good friends...I have been slowly getting better. I like the way I feel for the first time in 4 years. It doesn't mean I don't still hurt BUT I am noticing improvements in me.