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issues with my own stepmother/how to get past the hate

Anon2009's picture

I posted this on the main site, but I think it's a good fit for being posted here, too.

As many of you know, I've been a SD for 25 years.

I've certainly had my fair share of issues to contend with regarding my own stepmother. These include her angry outbursts towards others (I seemed to be a favorite target of hers), her attempt to PAS me against my mom, and her gossiping and saying other mean things about me when she knew I could hear her.
I don't see her a lot. My dad and I have worked out a lot of issues through counseling. I invited my stepmother to come to counseling with me as well. She chose not to. Her choice. My dad and I have greatly benefitted from our counseling sessions together. We, with the help of my therapist, managed to find ways to reduce the drama and create a close relationship.

I called him a few days ago to say hi. I could hear my stepmother screaming about something in the background about how "the f*cking tv doesn't work" and being critical of him for not fixing it sooner. This is a guy who owns a construction company and works from 6 am-11 pm every day excepting Sundays.
I felt feelings of anger towards her right then. Nobody wants to hear their dad get yelled at like that. Instead I channeled that energy towards our conversation about politics, which we both follow studiously. I reminded myself that my dad is a big boy who can fight his own battles. I know that if I were with someone like my stepmother he'd rip them a new one for treating me like that. However, I think that's part of being a parent.

These sorts of behaviors and actions on my stepmother's part greatly contributed to my anger towards her. However, carrying around so much hate wore me out emotionally. I attribute my treating her nicely at all times, even when I loathed her, to my dad's insistence that I do so. I feel his insisting upon it forced me to take a look at my issues and feelings and try to work them out.
I have accepted the fact that my stepmother will, to some extent, always be in my life. I've managed to find ways to minimize the drama so that when it comes up I can deal with it rationally.

I wish I could email all the bitter adult SDs out there who hold a grudge towards SM and act like she's the root of all their problems. Being weighted down by hate isn't worth it. I had to remind myself of that this week. There's a passage in the Biblical boom of Sirach about hate. Those who choose to keep hating never heal or find peace. Nobody's saying SMs and SDs have to love or like each other, or even give two $hits about each other, but if you love your dad, get yourself professional help and be nice to SM. Learn to let go of the hate in healthy ways. Invite your dad to counseling, and consider making a few appointments for you and SM too. Dropping the hate won't happen overnight and might be an arduous process, but you'll feel so much happier because of it. I did, and I feel great.

***Add*** here's the quote from Sirach and the Bible: Wrath and anger are hateful things,
yet the sinner hugs them tight.
The vengeful will suffer the LORD’s vengeance,
for he remembers their sins in detail.
Forgive your neighbor’s injustice;
then when you pray, your own sins will be forgiven.
Could anyone nourish anger against another
and expect healing from the LORD?
Could anyone refuse mercy to another like himself,
can he seek pardon for his own sins?
If one who is but flesh cherishes wrath,
who will forgive his sins?
Remember your last days, set enmity aside;
remember death and decay, and cease from sin!
Think of the commandments, hate not your neighbor;
remember the Most High’s covenant, and overlook faults. (Sirach 27:30

sandye21's picture

No one should have to put up with hostile behavior from anyone. In my case, it has been SD who has been extremely hostile to me with her sadistic crap, snapping, screaming - and has never given a reason which could be substantiated. I have never once raised my voice to her in the 20+ years I've been married to her Father. Now, like you, I wonder if the abuse would have ended earlier if I had treated her like she did me. I am hoping that I can learn to forgive someday.

firefoxy's picture

Agreed! Me and my DH also had to sleep in different room when we went to visit his mother before we were married. We didn't mind.
Completely agree with you re: the money. Just coz DH pays the rent and works doesn't mean it's not her house as well. My DH is the primary bread winner in our rlationship. The money I make is negligible. I've never once thought that this is HIS house and neither has he.

Evilwicked's picture

I don't know about the rest of it, but I have to go along with the SM who says no to boyfriends staying in the house unless there is an extra room. This is a policy I have had as well, both for the comfort of myself and H, but also because there are younger children in the home. I know people live with each other, hell, I did, but I don't condone it in my home and I don't feel I am setting a good example if I were to. Seems to me IMHO that by saying of course they can stay with you, and how horrible is she that she won't, that you are perhaps creating and encouraging some of the drama.

Anon2009's picture

That's awful!

I think it's a matter of respect. When DH and I were dating we went out of state so I could meet some of his relatives. We stayed at their homes and slept in different bedrooms. It wasn't a big deal.

I had a BF in high school too. I never would have dreamt of having extracurricular fun with him in my dad's or mom's homes. I can guarantee that if I had not only slept with a BF in my mom's house, but slept with him in one of my younger stepsiblings' beds, my stepdad would have booted my a$$ out of the house.

giveitago's picture

I thank God that I grew up with both parents still married, until recently when my Dad died. I married because I was pregnant, done thing back in the day, and it was a huge mistake. I went on to have two more children. EX lifted his hands and that was the catalyst, my kids and I took what was rightfully ours and left. I spent the next 20+ years raising my kids to become wonderful individuals, mostly to their credit I should add! I muddled through efficiently as best as a single parent can do.
Then I met DH, quite by accident. I now have three SKids, it's been hell on wheels and often it's still pretty bad yet I love them still. I get that kids do not want their parents to divorce or break up, it's a huge shock to them. I get that they will try their damndest to get parents back together again too...ohh dear was that ever a nightmare! What I will NEVER understand is why BM has to be so spiteful, alienating the kids against me and, worse yet, against their father. I get that some people can have personality clashes, I get that no one is perfect, I get that teenagers go through 'phases' for abour four years and then they re emerge as better people. I do not hate anyone, not even BM! I say that I respect the FACT that she is their mother but not someone I would choose as a friend. I really do not care iether way if the woman fell off the planet or somehow managed to keep her feet on it. She really does need to stay out of our business though.

AVR1962's picture

It's not just step parents that do this kind of stuff. It can also come from a bio parent. I had alot of hurts to overcome from things that were said and done by my own flesh and blood family members. I think what makes the difference is the desire one has to connect to that person or not and that at least to me was how I was able to forgive. I cannot say I have been a perfect parent or stepmom. My own adult children have told me some of their hurts from childhood. All I can say is that we do the best we can and I see that in my own parents. Sometimes we are not aware of the hurt we bestoy on others and those of us who are caring and passionate will try to learn and move on. What I find a terrible crime is the acts of those (parents, step parents, children) who lie and make up stories to intentionally manipulate the situation.

always wrong's picture

Thank you. I have a SD who has been in my life for 17 years. I have tried and tried and again I am trying and I am coming to the conclusion that her and I will never be close. I can live with that. I will have to. But the resentment I feel towards her has sickened me for a long time now. After reading you post, I will now ask God for forgiveness and move on.