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Interesting Phone Call with DH and YSD

Disillusioned's picture

DH called YSD recently because he wanted to wish his 1 year grandson happy birthday. 

YSD picks up and as soon as she does DH puts her on speaker and then walks upstairs to the office where I was working and tells her he is calling because we want to wish sgs happy birthday

That is the limit of what I will do at this point, have made it clear to DH that I will no longer participate in the video and phone calls with YSD, after way too many incidents of her excluding, not acknowledging, doing things to humiliate and hurt me, etc...

After DH mentioned that "we" wanted to say HB to sgs he says that Disillisioned is here too

I say a polite "Hi!" to her

YSD then says that SGS is out with SSIL right now but how are things going with us. 

DH responds that things are going great yada yada

Surprisingly, YSD clearly picked up on the fact that I wasn't saying much because she started to say something about Disillusioned you don't sound...then stops, and instead says "Disillusioned how's work?"

Now YSD is really good at making herself look like she's innocent to all the things that she does, really plays the passive agressive thing well by doing things that are really not nice and then acting all sweet and nice, most especially in front of DH (or by group text that DH is on)

Anyway, I can play the game too and when someone puts in any effort with me regardless of intent I will always respond back and then some. 

So I say, "work is rocking. Thanks for asking YSD. How is your work going?

Now, all would have been good with this if she simply answered and I say great or wonderful or whatever and that was it but of course DH has to jump right in there and say "Yes, YSD how is your work going?"

The way he said it really ticked me off as it felt like 'who cares how it's going with Disillusioned's work it's you I want to know about' this was especially infuriating to me that after all the crap she's pulled with me DH as usual acts like everything is perfectly okay while he talks to her

When she goes on about how wonderful and great everything is at her work DH continues his ass-kissing wth her going on how fantastic that is etc.. etc...

I didnt say much for the rest of the call, got back to what I was working on and let them talk. But afterwards I mentioned to DH that this is exactly why I don't want to participate, in these calls. 

That the moment YSD says two words, especially if directed at me he falls over backwards like she is the best thing ever. No worries how she's treated Disillusioned, not only is he kissing her butt but even gives her the green light by acting like the only thing on the call that matters is her, and who cares how awful she has been to his wife prior to the call

I was expecting a huge argument with DH after this conversation, most especially based on the angry look on his face. But he surprised me by saying instead that he was sorry, he hadn't meant to do that it was not his intention at all

I said to DH, rather than an apology which I do appreciate, I would really prefer that next time we are all in the same space or on the same call for whatever reason, just stay out of any conversation between her and I. Unless of course he uses it as an opportunity to non-confrontationally reienforce that I matter to him and that he isn't going to tolerate the nonsense I've been subjected to

If she asks me something - let me respond and be done with it. Carry on the rest of the conversation without me

We will see

FrustratedandLost's picture

Wow, your SD sounds so much like my SD. She acts so innocent when she is confronted about her behavior by DH. Then DH acts like she doesn't anything wrong. It's so frustrating. Sometimes I just want to shake him and say wake up! But then he will make comments like, maybe she'll stay in the city she's going to school in right now, 2 1/2 hours away, and get married. That way he doesn't have to deal with her attitude anymore. We both feel sorry for the boy that marries this kid because she's such a brat. But the innocence attitude sounds just like her. My SD is a two-faced kid; she will stab you in the back and then act so nice to your face. I don't trust her at all. 

Birchclimber's picture

You wrote:

"The way he said it really ticked me off as it felt like 'who cares how it's going with Disillusioned's work it's you I want to know about' this was especially infuriating to me that after all the crap she's pulled with me DH as usual acts like everything is perfectly okay while he talks to her

When she goes on about how wonderful and great everything is at her work DH continues his ass-kissing with her going on how fantastic that is etc.. etc..."

This is an all too relatable scenario for me.  You are not alone. I know exactly the pain that this behavior causes in the pit of your stomach, when a scrap of (albeit phony) kindness is thrown your way by a Skid, only to have it quickly dismissed by your DH.  No sooner have your answered the question and then he feels the need to turn the conversation back around to center around the DD's life.  It's as though he is saying to his DD, never mind Disillusioned....her life isn' t nearly as important to me right now as yours, DD. Let's keep focusing on you.  And of course, DD just LOVES that!  She once again, gets to believe that she is STILL the center of her father's world...and even more so when she hears and sees him put you in your place right before her very eyes.  Strike one win for the Step Team!

Then, once he gets off the phone with her, he begins to act as though you are all that matters to him... after he dissed you in front of his DD??  If you bring it up to him, first he'll deny it. Then upon seeing how upset your are, he will either own up to it saying that he didn't realize he was dismissing you in doing that or he will say that you are blowing things out of proportion (depending on just how big of a prick he actually is!).  

I actually believe that our DHs don't do this consciously.  I think that it's just Daddy trying to show attentive behavior towards their kids.  Part of the Guilty Father Syndrome, no doubt.  Sadly this comes at our expense sometimes.  It's important that we call our DH's out on this and the next time he calls one of them, remind him before he hits his speed dial that you want him to treat you as his Wife and Equal in front of DD this time.  Tell him that you need him to be aware of how he includes you in the conversation.

caninelover's picture

Guilty Daddy Syndrome can be an involuntary reflex because they have practiced it for so many years.  All we do is keep calling them on this behavior and remind them that if they want a pleasant relationship between all parties then they need to stop kicking their spouses to the curb whenever SD shows up.

Disillusioned's picture

Wow you really described that well Birch, and I do agree with you that most of the ass-kissing from DH with YSD is the guilty daddy syndrome combined with real fear that she too, just like OSD, will walk out of his life. 

Of course he is also over the top proud of YSD, despite everything, and I honestly think he thinks he is somehow impressing me with everything and anything to do with YSD including the big show of their wonderful relationship (not so much lately) and all that jazz

I also know that on the flip side of that he is disappointed and embarrassed with how she treats me and to some extent it makes him angry too, but he is too focused on making sure his precious DD doesn't walk out of his life like her sister to think about the fact it comes at the expense of his wife and marriage.

SeeYouNever's picture

This is how SD is with DH, she only brings up certain topics because it makes him happy for her to say those things. She's not actually interested, and it's not actually truthful but it sends DH over the moon to hear what he wants to hear. I think my SD does it because she's insecure and wants to please DH but not comfortable enough to be her real self.

Rags's picture

Some people can't stay out of an A&B conversation.

I think your adjustment of DH is right on.

Let you and SD have a quick sentence or two and stay out of it rather than attempting to force a redemption opportunity for his kid.

MissTexas's picture

ridiculous conversations.

DH has a grancchild, you do not. If he wants to call and wish his GK's Happy Birthday, great,he can  knock himself out, go for it.

I hope you can see the impact this has had on you. Ask why you're doing it? For DH? For SD? I say this because for YEARS I did much of the same thing, to try to make DH happy and in doing so, I (unknowingly) decimated my own. I put his happiness before my own, only to go on to be hugely betrayed in multiple ways by him and SD. 

You have much going for you, as your DH at least apologized, and that is to be commended, however, this is his extended family, not yours, and HE is the ONE who needs to take care of all birthday and Christmas cards, phone calls and any other forms of communication.

Oh yeah, these DH's all gush at the tiniest effort for brats to communicate with us, now matter how insincere and miniscule they are. I've threatened to buy puppy training pads for DH so he can piss his pants with excitement, without messing up my clean floors when he hears from this POS he sired.

Give yourself the gift of "I don't care."

Catmom024's picture

Yeah it's the tongue hanging out, head spinning thing my boyfriend does every time he talks to his daughter that makes me sick.  Too sick.