Insight for 'my son/daughter' term by steps
Hello!
I'm writing to seek understanding as I've heard the following type of comments quite a bit lately.
Several of us were having lunch. One woman said, 'My son did ABC and XYZ.' or 'My daughter is so popular with her modeling career' while others' compliment her on how her 'daughter' must have gotten her beauty from the woman saying this while she accepted the compliments. These are only two examples. These are not their bio kids. One woman is 59 and never had kids and the other woman is 38 and has two kids with her husband and the 'daughter' is 27 (one of three kids) he had with his 1st wife. She talks of all three of her husband's grown daughters as if her own.
The thing that caught me by surprise is the fact that these particular women married the fathers of said sons/daughters long after the sons/daughters were grown, already through college, in careers and living in other places.
I've had this in my 'can't figure it out' file in my head. Insight anyone?
Maybe they just wanted to
Maybe they just wanted to talk about the kids to fit in with the other parents. I dunno some stepparents really do see the step kids as their own.
During the conversations...
It was as if each woman was trying to one up the other...and I know that the woman without bio kids isn't liked by either of her husbands adult sons (she told me during her rants about them). The 38 yr old just loves to brag about anything and everything.
The only other people around at the time of this brag fest was a couple in their 60's & myself...the three of us were not involved in the convo. The other two couples had stepped out to make a run to the liquor store.
I might've kicked back a shot if I didn't excuse myself to start my drive home. Haha! I've avoided gatherings with them since then. I just can't.
There's your answer...
They were drunk and deluded! Ha ha!
Actually this was during the meal before the booze came
along...I'm glad I left before the booze was opened!
They were sober and delusional, haha!
Maybe once the booze came out
Maybe once the booze came out, so would the truth??!! I think that it would have been worth it for you to stick around, stay sober and once their pretentious guards were down, start asking questions. What's that Latin saying, "In Vino Veritas".
oh yes, the ultimate truth teller!
I've heard that the most honest people are kids and someone who is drunk. Might be ancient wisdom or a silly meme on IG, haha!
Familiar
This sounds familiar. My exSIL would go on an on about her SD, at one point spouting off, "That's my daughter!" She knew at the time that I was estranged from exSD so I kind of wondered if she wasn't rubbing it in or perhaps she was delusional. But I noticed an odd thing later - her SD NEVER referred to exSIL as her Mother, and posted all sorts of photos of her with her real mother on Facebook. The truth was more than obvious. It gets hard for a 'genuine' individual to swallow the BS. The 'gatherings' weren't worth your time.
That's crazy
Your exSIL might be downright cruel to say something like that knowing that there was strife between you and exSD. People are cruel and they are people that deserve the 'ex' designation.
No more gatherings, picnics or activities with these women since then. I cut off contact with them, they are both self-absorbed. To be witness to their lies and outrageous stories really made my skin crawl. The couple in their 60's, they are fun, and I would just shrug whie watching the dynamics.
Just wondering
I'm wondering if your 'friends' knew of your relationship with your Skids. In the past I've cut off contact with some women because they were being purposely catty and toxic. Now I avoid them like the plague.
oh riiiight...
that's a great point sandye21...one woman never knew of my exSD's but the one with no bio kids knew the reason why I left exNarcDH because he and exOSD were having 'more' than emotional incest. The reason I packed up and left that faux marriage so quickly. The woman with no bio kids is a big gossip so it is possible. Another reason I distanced myself.
At the time, they knew I missed my son with him stationed so far away. I wouldn't doubt it...they were all caught up on their phones, sharing photos from their husbands adult kids on social media, bragging and all. >>>Yawn<<<
I just can't with women like
I just can't with women like this. The time I spent raising YSD was similar, no BM around, with us deluding ourselves and people always saying that she looked juuuust like me. I bought completely into the fantasy, and suffered for it when the facade collapsed. She wasn't my kid, and never loved me the way I loved her.
Steplife works best when we all deal in reality. It sounds as if these women are part of the "ladies who lunch" crowd who validate themselves solely through their offspring. Ick. I'll take simple radical honesty over delusion any day.
I totally get it...
if biomoms were not in the picture/abandoned the kid(s), child was adopted or if the child was raised by the step-moms. So the shocking part was the dynamics of these women having never lived with and never contributed to the upbringing of the now grown adults. One would be a 'ladies who lunch' and the other is an artist, creative, and has her head in the clouds. I was so bored hearing the moms brag and one-up about their kids (seniors in high school) non-stop when I lived in Dallas. Barf.
When your YSD was a child and people would compliment the both of you, I would likely go along with it to protect the YSD's feelings. My only hope for a girl is a grandbaby girl...girls seem more creative and fun, before the hormones kick into high gear and they get bratty ;-)
My son never looked like me...I have blonde hair/brown eyes and he has dark brown hair, green eyes, wide jaw...he looks just like my father from back in the day. My son also resembles his father with the green eyes, nose, ears, moles on their faces in same spots. People still look at my son and me and pause...then ask if we're a couple. We laugh and I tell them I was 29 when I had him and there was no switch in the nursery. haha!
I just can't with those types of fake people...
Barf
I met DH when 3 kids were way into adulthood and 2 teens. And regardless of their ages, DHs kids have a mom. Just as my bios have a dad. The only thing I ever aspired to with DHs kids was to be the "aunt" or "new friend" but NEVER a "mom" role and NEVER would I consider them "my" kids. But I will never have to worry about this. DHs kids do NOTHING that I'd want to brag about to anyone. Their behaviors, even WAY into adulthood is embarrassing and humiliating. I sometimes wish I'd kept my maiden name as to have no association with them.
I'm not saying some SMs can't have a good relation with their SKs....I know several. But not in my world. And my SM friends who know my story (that do have good relations with SKs) know how lucky they are.
You can still change back to your maiden name...
and it's only about $400 to change your first name if you want to go all out, haha!
The exDHNarc that I married for a minute back in 2020, when I joined this group for help. He had two daughters in their early 20's at the time. A few years earlier, the biomom had cheated, got a fast divorce and quickly married her affair partner. Biomom would post pics on social media with her new hubby boasting 'we're so proud of our daughters...' and showing photos of the four of them arm in arm, celebrating Fathers Day, etc. I only know this because exDHNarc would be grumpy and sullen so I figured something was up with his bestie, his ex/biomom. So I would flip open his laptop right in front of him and look on his FB page and saw new hubby wearing a 'proud (university name) dad.' shirt. I thought biomom posting 'our daughters' with new hubby was odd but the biomom is not too bright.
Liars, everywhere! haha!
Something I posted on the subject
a few years ago.
www.steptalk.org/blog/exjuliemccoy/need-honest-labels-steplife-264296
Great post!
Very well said.
Perfectly explained...very rational IMHO
Cognitive Dissonance is spot on!
Other than on this forum, I don't refer to exNarcDH as 'my ex-husband' or 'my ex' because, to me, it implies a connection or relationship or something that is 'mine.' I pretend he never existed, except when I try to help on here.
I was married to my son's dad for 10 years and we co-parented well. I referred to him as 'my son's (or son's name) dad.' Now my son is caring for his uncle, not my exBIL.
Brilliant EJM. Thank you for sharing that. Facts are important
sometimes people will use the
sometimes people will use the term son/daughter when they don't want to get into the explanation of the relationship with people they don't know.. like when the waitress says that my SD takes after me.. but says.. your mom/daughter.. we just laugh and say thanks.
it sounds like these ladies were more of the "oneupmanship" type.. my baby was crawling at 1 month.. well.. my baby was doing algebra.. yeahhhh ok.
Yeah.
Well, before the hijinx, SD16 B/M was someone that I was proud of and tried to brag about her accomplishments or tell the odd story about adventures that we would have. But I was always pretty clear about her being step and me being step. However with the wrong ears Im sure I came off as annoying.
Now - when I see "our children" and they didnt give birth/contribute DNA, I just kinda shrug (on a good day) snarl (on a bad day)...
Ageee
I feel like they wanted to fit in and have common ground perhaps. It's odd that they are referred to as son/daughter being they came in later in life but for some it's no big deal. I refer to my SD16 as daughter and my DH refers to my girls as daughter. We have been together since our girls were 4,5,6...and the kids asked to call us mom/dad..I think it depends on the circumstance.
It was odd for two grown women to behave like this...
and they get together quite a bit. They were just so engrossed in their bragging. We just watched the dynamics between the two women.
Their step kids were 20-30 years older than your littles when they met their husbands.