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I'm Still Here - H Is Still at the Extended Stay Motel

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yep, told him to look for an apartment but he thinks things are going to go right back on track.

Let him come over the day after Thanksgiving for coffee and to talk, and DD was there for my support.

He is all upset, and looks it, doesn't want us to split up etc.  I told him that Twit had called Thanksgiving and I DID answer her call and told her you were not here as I had thrown you out......that she got what she wanted as I provided you with a one way ticket to Twitville.  Funny, I wasn't nasty, just talked normal but factual, no yelling or nastiness on my part.

I have to say, I never heard Twit speachless before.  She was SHOCKED and said you  mean Dad is coming HERE!  What am I (being Twit) going to do with him?  My response was that was not my problem and I hung up.

He knew about it as evidently she had called him telling him what I had said and asking him if it were true.  Evidently she doesn't think it is right for him to go back to Twitville and he should stay and work it out.  She'd be in touch.  Sounds like she is writing him off right now....a don't call me, I'll call you thingy. but not my problem.

Saw counselor Thursday and told all.  She asked how I felt about what I said to Twit.  My response was just fine and some shock that I was so calm as I did so.  That was good, counselor said.  As she didn't get me all upset about her call etc.

She also agreed that it sounded like Twit wasn't keen about taking dear ole Dad into her home on a permanent basis, or even having to help him if he got an apartment around her.  THAT is not her style.  She never helps you....you are only there to help her and feel her ego so she feels good.

She can't talk about it with me, but I know that H has made an appointment to talk to her.  I told her to knock some sense into his thick head about what this Twit stuff is and has done to me.

Have not talked to a lawyer yet as I want to be certain this marriage can't be saved.  I have just shy of 25 years invested in it.  And H is a good man, doesn't drink to excess, smoke, etc.  Is smart, informed, generally honest (except about Twit). 

Counselor says that it is good I am not just jumping at divorce.  Though she is concerned about the stress his daughter has put me under and concerned about some of the instances where she has gotten physical.  Counselor says Twit LOVES and thrives on control.  Told her about Twit's three losers and how she is now all upset with her new daughter-in-law because the young lady isn't bowing low enough to the QUEEN.  That is one of the things she calls and cries to H about.

I am seeing H tomorrow for a movie and dinner, but he can't come to my home.  I will meet him.

sandye21's picture

SDM, You HAD to do this.  The reason you were so calm when you answered Twit's phone call is because you knew you were right.  She wants to break up your marriage but shirks from the consequences and the responsibility of taking care of DH.  Too bad.  Glad DH is going to see the counselor.  He may finally see that he needs to stop playing the game with Twit - and you once and for all.  You have been agreeable that DH can be in contact with Twit.  You only ask that it is not when you are around and that you do not want to hear anything about her.  Considering what you have gone through, it's not too much to ask.

I also agree with our counselor.  The situation doesn't require a speedy divorce.  I'll bet in the end DH will learn to deal with Twit on his own.  The best of luck to you.  (((HUGS)))

shamds's picture

bloody stepkids selfishly out to ruin their parents marriage with stepparent but no responsibility or consideration to care for their bio parent in hard times

this stuff is too complicated for their minds and intelligence. They can’t think that far, they don’t understand about consequences of actions. My 20 yr old ss threatened to run away from home purely because daddy said he has to behave as a decent human at home with respect, not ignore others, be polite and do chores

he did a hissy fit and this is the kid hubby prioritises his feelings and non existent stress at having to show basic manners and interact with us, if i leave hubby, his kid will still run away from home if hubby pushes for him to be a decent human

if he took care of me, there’d be no need for me to leave, we’d be married a lifetime... these men don’t understand your kids will bugger off, they won’t be your companion, soulmate and strength of supoort for life, they’ll shirk that as they’re too privileged and self centred.

good on you, stay strong. Its funny how twit said he can’t move in with her

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Your 20 year old stepson threatened to run away from home??  Umm, he is an adult, let him go if he doesn't like the rules his father has put down.  I hope his father told him not to  let the door hit him on the backside on the way out.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I hope your H is good and worried, knowing that Twit doesn't want him to move back to your previous town. In fact, I hope it shakes him to the core. He hasn't just backslid; he's back avalanched, and needs the shock of knowing that the person he's jeopardized his marriaged for doesnt give a hoot about him.

somethingwicked's picture

You are amazing sticking to your guns and not backing down  .

H needs to understand and accept  that you are fromhere on out  in self preservation mode . You are done with anyone or thing shaving years off your life or raising your stress level leading to illness  because of their selfish behavior OR pandering and refusal to  admit /acknowledge their part in maintaining the sick  familial dysfunction.

Your H is a cause of Twit's bizarre behavior and has closed his eyes, turned his head or down played her antics FOR YEARS.

I certainly hope this Baptism Of Fire Shock that you lobbed his way ,kicking him out and sticking to it is the wake up call he needs to change his behavior.But the odds are against that after so much time ,years of Twit Pandering.

I LOL reading about you answering Twit's call and imagined her  her speechless  then stammering when you dropped the bomb about her DADDEE  showing up on her door step.

LOL

I am laughing reading it again.GOOD FOR YOU!  You took back your life ,you are standing in your power and the calm courage you exhibited in taking that Twit Call confirms it! 

Whatever you decide with your H I hope that you will ALWAYS think of your health  and happiness first and foremost.

If he has not figured out that this is the NEW SDM  with all the latest self respect upgrades including a stainless steel spine  and that you are NOT going back to the same old dysfunctional H and Twit show then he will NEVER understand  how detrimental his  Worship the Twit Acolyte behavior is to you.

Good luck, honey. I am pulling for you!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks.  You can bet one thing in H's mind is knowing that, should he have to live with Twit, at the first sign of him being a problem, natural aging, etc.; he will be thrown in some old folks home and probably only visited once, maybe, a year.  Let's face it....if she doesn't bother with him now for his birthday, Father's Day, holidays, etc., when he is in good health she sure isn't going to bother to take the time to wheel her Dad out for a walk in the sunshine etc.  BUT, you can bet your bottom dollar that she will be crying to others about how put on she is to be the one having to "take care of" dear ole Dad.

still learning's picture

Maybe living apart is the key for the two of you staying together. It sounds like you are very much at peace with him and his daughter drama elsewhere.  

thinkthrice's picture

is like the cat who doesnt want to finish the job with the mouse.  I hope this is a real eye-opener for DH that Twit doesn't really care about him... she's only interested in him to take his focus away from you.

 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Twit is a user.  People only have value to her when she can use them for whatever purpose.  She cares no more about her father than the man in the moon.  He is only there, in her view, so she can feel good about herself when she cries her eyes out about how some one has maligned poor Twit....normally without saying what she did to deserve it. And many a time it is becaues she just believes that everyone should rotate around her like her Babies do.  Being empty inside, it makes her feel important.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You are all right, H needs to decide if he is going to stay with me or move back there.  I would imagine the thought of him moving back with Twit terrifies him as he already lived with her about 5 months the last time I threw him out when we lived near her.

Twit doesn't tolerate people being around except when she needs them.  My guess is that she is afraid people will start to see through the already thin faciade of being normal.  Must be terrible to live as she does and be empty.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I am very proud or you for protecting yourself.  You have given it all to your husband and you have been more patiently with this crazy Twit than most women.  You deserve better and one way or the other---you are going to find better now. Twit is an unhappy lady, even taking you out of the equation, most likely.  Nobody pleases her, everybody around possibly just obstacles. Sometimes I wonder if it is SM's or if they are just seriously unhappy people in life, in general.

You did the right thing!

lala-land's picture

Madam,  You and your husband are at an impasse.  You want total non communication with your DIL and your husband wants to maintain a minimal level of contact.  If neither of you is willing to compromise then you should call it a day.  I am a strong advocate of keeping crazy out of my life, yes I do have a crazy adult SD, because these individuals can ruin your health and in dealing with them, you start acting as crazy as they are.  But I also understand a parent wanting to maintain contact, as my DH does with my crazy SD.  We have come to a compromise solution that works for both of us.  I don’t know if there is a solution that will work for you and your husband, but if you want to save your marriage you will have to look for one.  I wish you luck in this.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

La-la - you are right I want total non communication, contact with Twit especially after all she has put me through and even gotten physical with me.  I don't give a ratz butt if DH wants to communicate with her, I just ask that he not do it in front of me NOR bring her and her problems into my life after he talks to her.

He is guillible in that she gives him the old "Oh I do so want to be friends with SDM", and then when DH cajols me into giving it one more try, she starts off right away. 

I tried time and time again, H even admits that I have.  The ball always seems to drop in her court.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Just a thought...Last night I sat back and watched that remake of the "Bad Seed" movie.  I rememer that movie quite well even though I was young when I saw it and rememer my Mother and others talking about it.  It really had an impact even  back then.

 Wow!  As I was watching the scenes where the little girl looks directly at her father and lies about things, or gives him an excuse that is twisted and does it without having a clue made me think of some of my dealings with Twit.  The fakeness, the lack of real empathy for others etc.  She is always watching what one does, strange.

Those kinds of people are master manipulators and do it by flattering others when they are on the verge of getting caught.

You know, in all these years I have never seen Twit actually burst out with a real laugh at something funny.  It is like she just doesn't get it or doesn't like that it is funny or ??  Often wondered if her sense of humor had been surgically removed.  BUT, she laughs at silly sophamoric things that young children would..

Anyway the movie was very good.

I recalled when my DD recently told H right out that there was something wrong with Twit and he didn't disagree with her.  He started to say something, but befor a sound came ou of his mouth he stopped.  Maybe, just maybe, he is getting the clue that he can't keep defending crazy if he wants to have any kind of life.  Time will tell.

sandye21's picture

I've mentioned before that Twit reminded me of the Bad Seed - by the way you described her.  I had an adopted daughter that was very similar.  She had no conscience at all, would set fires. lie, steal, you name it.  And she was quite believable so neighbors would believe her stories and even shame me until they finally (and sometimes it took years) found out the truth.  I had her for 7 1/2 years and it was a nightmare.  I was later told she was raped before the age of three and "lost her soul."  I don't know how you have put up with Twit for as long as you have but it's time to stop. 

You have NOT told DH to completely cut communications with Twit.  He can do this when you aren't at home or in another room if he has to.  All you want is for DH to leave Twit out of your life - not to leave her out of HIS life.  How many ways can you say, "No."  Your DH seems to have some sort of problem understanding this and I am now wondering if he actually finds enjoyment in bringing her up to you or if he possibly has a cognitive problem.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandy - I remember you talking about your adoptive daughter.  That must have been heartbreaking for you.

I think just watching that movie and how the little girl was protrayed had some similarities to the way Twit acts at times.

One thing that shocked me was when she talked about her then boss's wife mistreating his children, locking them out of the house, not feeding them, hitting them and other things she claimed to have witnessed.  I, being shocked at that as the children were not old enough to be in school, told her that she needed to notify child services about this as it was very abusive.  She looked at me and calmly stated that she couldn't do that.  I inquired as t why.  She went off on me and Her response was that if she did she could lose her job as the boss would figure out who called!  (NOTE:  This was a part time job)  Yet, she had no problem calling child services to make child abuse acquisations on a worker who had given his notice that he was leaving.  She said she and her boss decided to do that so it would make things bad for him.  She saw nothing wrong with that and was quite pleased with herself.  They were teed that the man was leaving to go to a better job that had insurance.

One thing that I noticed at the time was that when Twit was talking about this not only was I there but H and Twit;s hubby and neither of them said a damn thing to her.  I was surprised by that too.

Sandye, What kind of people do that just for spite to ruin a man's life just because he gives notice he is leaving the job? Boggledmy mind and I really stepped away from her after hearing that, something was WRONG. 

Rags's picture

We have very close friends with two adopted sons. One 12 and one 9. The 12yo has been in a state school for a year and they just had their follow up with the Judge.  The Judge informed the kid directly that the only way he would get out of the state school was either to move back home with his parents which would require him to do the work needed to correct his issues, to Juvenile Hall or to prison when he turns 18.  He has a sexual preditor problem  It breaks our friends' hearts that this kid they want to help so badly wom't pull his head out of his ass.

He is from a sexually abusive bio family and has been hyper sexualized since he was very  young.

sandye21's picture

I adopted her when she was 5.  My neighbors would complain because she was getting sexual with their kids.  She knew more sexual terms than I did.  This makes me wonder if Twit might have had some sort of 'experience', not sexual, but just as traumatizing in her early life.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye and Rags - I have often thought that, like you just know something happened somewhere but you can't put your finger on it nor get H to talk about it.  Or maybe she is just made that way....don't know.  I say that because in my long life I have never ever met anything quite like her.   And I have been in the Corporate 100 world where you see a lot of egos, narcissisim backbiting, etc.

But I know that is one of the reaosns I always try to figure things out.  Like somehow if I know the what I can deal with it or.....

I often wonder if one of the BM's boyfriends, after H and her split up, did something or?  Don't know.  As I have said many a time, H agrees Twit has problems but will never say what they are.  He is the only one in the family that has anything to do with her.  Her BM doesn't deal with her nor do her sister or brother.  H is a kind person.  Here I go making an excuse....but maybe there is a reason that he puts up with her carp, boo hooing, etc.  It might not even be something she experienced but something she did....don't know.

Twit is not my problem to fix.  But would it be fair to say that IF here was some past trauma we could work to deal with it together...him and me.  But that is speculation.  And would require a lot of insight if I would even want to go down that road anyway.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Rags and Sandye, that is the kind of thing that breaks a parent's heart.

At 12 that young man has no clue of what he is still back when that trauma happened to him....kind of stopped and stunted so to speak.  And being a child, he doesn't have the cognicent ability to absorb it all, doesn't really understand.  Yet, society cannot give him a pass to harm others because of his age, etc.  Tragic.

Rags's picture

It is tragic.  He truly seems to not understand that what he does is wrong. "If it feels good and adults do it why is it wrong?"  This is a paraphrase of a statement he made to his dads and a therapist.  He was engaging in oral sex with other students at school as well as other kids he interfaced with.  His parents had no choice but to get CPS envolved and get him  into the system for help.

It is so sad for the whole family.  The younger son just wants  his brother home, the parents are heartbroken and starting to withdraw from much of their support network and there just isn't much anyone can do beyond what has been done and is being done.  This kid will end up on the sexual preditor list for life if he does not catch a clue soon.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Rags - Oh my.  How does one make a child, and that is what he is, understand that it is not appropriate?  Beyond my pay grade on that but I do feel empathy for that family.  Does he know the difference between right and wrong in other areas?

Prayers for them and the younger brother who also does not have a clue as to why the older brother is gone as that would be well above his ability to understand too.

Rags's picture

It is sad for all of them.  What breaks my heart is that this has nothing to do with the parents or the home/

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

And that, too, is one of the tragedies.

  That is one reason they are stepping back form their support, they feel embarassed that this is happening to them, like outsiders.  Regardless of what is known, I bet they still wonder what they could do or have done to make things different.

It is like Sandye posted above about her adoptive daughter.....people tend to look at you, like you are doing something bad or wrong because most people don't see beyond most children being generally good.  Hope I make senses with that but I think you know what I mean.

I hope you stick by their side in this as they will need true friends and real support as it goes to the final whatever happens.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Having said what I did to Rags, I want to bring up an earlier post about H and I maybe being able to deal with whatever is wrong with Twit.  I want to clarify that.

I have no intention of trying to solve whatever problems she has.  What I mean is that H and I would be able to deal together to protect us, me, from her evil, cruelness etc.

Basically, all I know is that none of her family outside H has anything to do with her, even her Mother (who hasn't talked to her in years).  H ended up with Twit when she was 16 or 17 because she couldn't get along with her Mother and the Mother wanted no more to do with her so she was sent back up North to live with him.  H had been separated and divorced from his ex for over 10+ years then and she lived in a very popular southern state.

sammigirl's picture

Good job!  I did this!  Only difference I had Law Enforcement escort DH up the street to SD's house.  SIL is a Law Enforcement Officer, so you can imagine how that went over.  They didn't want him there, but it was Court ordered.  I stood my ground.  I didn't file for divorce, just let them digest what they had created. 

After several weeks, we talked it out, but he was not allowed home, until I lifted the Court order.  My DH has always been allowed, such as yours to have relations with his grown kids and grandkids.  I also requested that they keep me out of it.  They did not, now they do.  

You will be on the road to recovery either way it works out.  That was the most difficult thing I ever did, but with the best results I could have imagined.

Good Luck.  (((hugs)))

Keep us posted, thinking of you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Samm - Glad your actions with your DH took hold.  Isn't it sad that such drastic actions have to occur in order for them to get a clue?

I see DH once in a while - I refuse to make it a regular thing as that would defeat my purpose of getting better.  He is not allowed to come to my house since the day after Thanksgiving when DD was still here.  I have met him for a movie, a few times for coffee, but that is it.  I have also put the kabosh on him calling me a lot.

He looks terrible, but he did it to himself.  I was the one that was looking ragged, stressed, stomach troubles, etc. before.  Now I am calmer and adjusting to things being quiet.  When the phone rings I don't freeze or get a knot in my stomach that it is Twit, same with the answering machine.  I think the truth is that men need us women more than we need them in a lot of ways.

H is in counseling now with my counselor separately, and that is the way I want it for now.  The counselor and I discussed about eventually us having sessions together but I am not ready for that nor do I think H is eventhough the counselor and I don't discuss what he said etc., that would be unethical.

It has been a rather different Christmas season.  Since DD was down here earlier I don't expect her to be here for Christmas.

Was strange putting the tree up Saturday, but then even when H was here I always ended up doing it by myself.  Nothing new there.

I do note that he hasn't gone back to Twitville and, as I understand it, has no intention of doing so.  Heaven forbid she plans to come out here but I honestly doubt that she would do something so caring for her Father.  That is not her thing.   I don't care if she does come and see him etc. just keep her the h*ll out of my life.

Well, only time will tell.

sandye21's picture

SDM, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas despite all of the negativity that has surrounded your world lately.  You have given yourself the best gift anyone can give to theirself:  The realization that you deserve to be respected in your own home - by everyone, and the creation of a boundary that insures it,  This is a gift I gave myself 8 years ago after numerous horrific Christmases with SD.  It is definitely the 'gift that keeps giving'.  Be sure to do something you've always wanted to do and make it special.  (((HUGS)))

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye - I have taken up rug hooking.  Not the kind with the latch hook, but the one you use wool and monk cloth.  Started lessons early last summer but now, with my peace it is nice to have my frame and my wool strips and work on my project while watching t.v.  Gives me a good feeling of accomplishment as well.  Have to say, time flies by when I get into it, even if I get frustrated and have to pull some of the strips back out 'cause I didn't do it right.

Those days of carppy Christmas "gifts" from Twit are OVER!  FWIW, when I look back at her earlier, she always was stingy in her gift giving back then, but I thought that was because she had a young family, bills, etc.  The times I talked about with the ashtray and dirty napkins reached an all time low and after her kids were grown and her hubby making 6 figures.  Earlier she would give H and I a pound or two of our favorite gourmet coffee, nice chocolates, things like that.  Not the carp she seemed to think was so great to give.  Totally don't understand and don't want to.

sammigirl's picture

This is why we all should have hobbies, or a ace up our sleeve of such a distraction.  Mine is quilting, reading, crafts, and GF shopping.