I'm Still Here and Still Working on Things with H
though he has had a rough time of it lately. He ended up in the hospital for a week due to exhaustion/stress (mostly caused by my not letting him move back in until he faces his dealings with his daughter.
He is home now and has been for a week and taking it easy. Yep, he called T while he was in hospital - just to let her know - he said. right away she wanted to come out. I told him that if she came out I would not be around to visit him etc. while she was in town. That I have a restraining action against her and will not have it violated no way, no how.
The problem was solved. Seems T was looking for H to pick up the tab for her to fly out, etc.and he wasn't doing that, nor was I fronting any money for her. That solved that.
Friends, just on that point, T is not poor but she is cheap. Why should she spend her money to visit dear old dad. That is how she sees it.
He didn't and hasn't talked to me about her since and that is fine.
I heard frojm H's other daughter and she has come out for a weekend, and also from H's son. They are not looking for anything, just worried about their Father. Neither one of them asked for a dime for traveling expenses etc.
We we were all visiting him at the hospital I made a BIG deal out of how nice it was for them to take their time and the expense of coming out to see H. I wanted H to get the message that people that care about him don't expect him to continually pick up their tab.
Counselor told me that it could be the stress of realization that brought this on as he could no longer keep ignoring what a monster T is.
Bottom line is that H is back at his place recovering and I am taking good care of him, just like he did for me when I was sick. That is what people who love each other do in old age.
Realization may be really setting in this time when he saw just who cares and who only cares when there is something in it for her.
By the way, DD didn't fly out, but she called him every day. She was quite worried about him. Hey, he's 80.
Hang in there!
SDM, I admire you SO much! You have demonstrated how important it is to stand your ground and not back down. " I told him that if she came out I would not be around to visit him etc. while she was in town. That I have a restraining action against her and will not have it violated no way, no how." Can you just imagine how much ground you would have lost if you would have let things slide and then you would have been at square one. And after all of Twit's drama you find out she wanted him to foot the bill for her plane ticket - and where would she have stayed? Ya, he would have been paying for that too. He HAS to see the difference between people who really love him and self-serving T. I hope he sees the light soon. (((HUGS)))
Morning - I think H is seeing
Morning - I think H is seeing the light, but the realization is the part he has to deal with....coming to terms with what really is.
About the restrainting action....if I would have let it slide it would have become invalid. I know that...my lawyer told me.
You know, dealing with T is like having a vulture hanging around just waiting.
Oh dear god, is your husband gonna be on
his deathbed when this sd is informed and she’ll ask for you to buy her ticket or reimburse her??
when my mum was admitted to hospital, dad suspected it was another stroke and his gut feeling was she wouldn’t make it. I was supposed to fly a week later and dad asked if i could come within the next day.
It wasn’t even something we worried or bitched about me flying over the next morning as i was living overseas and hd just found out i was pregnant and severe morning sickness.
I just hate children that only want to visit or spend time with parents unless they get a financial benefit out of it. Respect of parents and spending quality time is something you just do, its not dependent on receiving a financial benefit
Hi Shamds - You are right on
Hi Shamds - You are right on the part about the death bed, that is how T works. After all, one should not expect her to spend a dime on anyone or for anyone else other that herself and her Babies.
Do note his other adult children flew out, on their own dime, to see him because they care about him. At our age we can go sour, so to speak, at any time.
H's other daughter, the good one, knows he is in good hands with me and doesn't blame me at all for my position on things. She knows her sister and how she is. With T it is all about T and no one else.
Twit expected her dad to pick
Twit expected her dad to pick up the tab to come out and see him? Classic.
It's really too bad that your H is letting this go so far, as to affect his health (and marriage) like this. He can love his daughter but he has to do it from afar, instead of letting her ruin his life. He's got to keep boundaries in place.
Actually, hereiam, I think
Actually, hereiam, I think that as T is the one with problems, he still feels protective of her. Like he can fix her, but he can't. He said, in counseling, that he always felt bad that his ex, T's bio mom, no longer bothers with her.
In one way, his caring is a good thing, provided the person cared about was somewhat normal. T is not.
As counselor told both of us, he has to come to terms that he cannot ever fix her, make her normal, make her a caring person who is not always looking out for what she can get. Counselor didn't quite say it like that, but you get the gest.
sdm,
sdm,
I am glad for DH and for you that he has recovered from his recent health issues. As difficult as this has all been on you and on him, you are doing absolutely the right thing and it shows in how your confidence and calmness has grown as well as in how DH has progressed. Hopefully he has gained additional clarity regarding TWIT as compared to his children of character and quality.
Keep up the good work.
Take care of you.
Hi there Rags - Sadly, H is
Hi there Rags - Sadly, H is not as enlightened as you are about dealing with these ASK. That doesn't make him bad, it just means that he is torn. I can understand that, BUT I just will not put up with crazy and dangerous.
It is impossible to have any kind of relationship with a person, T, who has no clue about what empathy is or cares about anything but herself and her Babies. Of course she only sees them as extentions of her...her property.
Over the years, as you know, I have been pizzed about how she treats me and even more so about what she does to her Father.
The chips are on the table and I am all in....he cuts her off from my life and keeps her away and at bay or I am finished. Too many times I have tried to deal with her but one cannot have any kind of relationship with someone who is so completely and totally involved in herself.
FWIW, I just happened to
FWIW, I just happened to think of the time that H's son was having a very serious surgery. H, upon hearing, immediately said he was going down there, with me of course. T had absolutely no plans on that UNTIL she found out that we were making plans to go. H asked her to watch our dog for us as the kennel was booked. T's hubby said no problem, but then came the call from T. She claimed her hubby didn't want to watch the dog (always wondered about this as he is not like that) and she was too BUSY to watch the dog that week. [HERE IS THE CLINCHER] BUT if she went down the first week we could go down later and she would be able to watch the dog!!!
I'm sure you all caught that, she was too busy to watch the dog the original week, BUT if she went down first she could watch the dog the next week. Umm...if she claimed to be too busy the first week how could she have the time to go down that week? Doesn't make sense, but this kind of thinking is typical for T.
H never said a word about the inconsistency of that. And that has always been a good part of the problem, not only with H, but with everyone around T. They accept this nonsense as normal.
Well, I stayed home with the dog and H went with my love and prayers for him to give to his son.
This was not about T being concerned about her brother, this was because H wanted to go down and SHE wanted to be the one to go down and be the BIG SHOT....look at her, how caring. This eventhough she had absolutely no plan to do so until she found out her Father was planning on going to be with his son.
When I asked H about the inconsistency in T's excuse, that it didn't make sense, and the reason it didn't, he blamed it on T's husband. Actually, it was like he didn't want to face what she had just done to him.
THAT, folks, was the end of us ever watching all of their dogs for them. We had done that for them for months but the one time we wanted them to watch our pet, for a very important reason, it was a no go. You have no idea how good it was the next time she called about how her hubby just needed to get away, could they drop the dogs off to put an end to that. Here H was in the process of saying OKAY and I stepped in and said NO PERIOD. Boy did she get upset with me about that. Hey, So Sad, Too Bad, things are a two way street especially in an emergency.
Oh well, talking too much. Forgive me.
The windows
T also wanted DH to put in windows for her when he was not physically up to it and she could have afforded to have them put in. Narcissism at it's most pure form.
There's absolutely no reason why DH can't have a separate relationship with T which leaves you out of it. What does the Therapist say about why he keeps bringing her up?
Yep, Sandye - No care at all
Yep, Sandye - No care at all about Dear Old Dad, just looking to save a buck at his expense.
Therapist says he needs to come to terms with things. I know he says that he is worried about Drunkie etc., but the time to do that was YEARS ago and we weren't even aroundd the Cretin then. That is just an excuse, just like he makes excuses when she sticks it to him. Denial, wishful thinking?
That is where we are in therapy right now. I know what I want and told the therapist. I want to know that if T ever acts up with me he will stop it, not because he knows I will throw him out as I have done, but because T is totally out of line and he understands it. Oh, H knows, I myself have seen him crying (when he didn't know I was around) about the carp she does..
Also Sandye, when Twit wanted
Also Sandye, when Twit wanted those windows put in it was in the mid-90's. H. did put in a door for her(with the help of the generally useless Babies) but it was also in the mid 90's and he was sweating bullets. He never heard from her after that until oh months later. She didn't want anything from him and was pizzed that he wouldn't put the windows in for her. Not a care from her as to her Father's health, age, heat conditions etc, just about saving T a buck.