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I wonder whether I should have shut my mouth

Firm but fair but angry's picture

my dh fell out with his d42 again recently - she has never got over the fact he left her when she was 9 to marry an aggressive woman. I empathised and supported her for (14) years despite her numerous drama queen walkouts but this time I've had enough as she implicated me by saying I was staring at her (I was making sure she was ok and not about to do one) and "she has never felt comfortable in my house" what???? But I feel sad for dh as he loves family
His son (30) from 2nd marriage, married a woman who I think is stupid and I don't really tolerate her or her family well. Their 2 children 2 & 3 are cute tho and on the odd occasion I see them I make a fuss. At Xmas we all went out for tea. I brought a cake over for each of them and the 3 year old took one bite and wasted it. The parents had a fit! Beginning of April I went to the now 4 year olds birthday party and at the tea the 2 year old was bored so I said to dh "why don't you take her back into the soft play?" The ss wanted her to eat more and made her sit down. I said "aw, it's a party" at which the sdil gave me a murderous look, moaned to the ss and then continued giving me filthy looks while slagging me off to her sister. I walked out, fuming
. Ss told dh about Xmas and the cake (I had no idea I'd done anything wrong) and said I was undermining their parental authority. The dil txt dh and said I was not welcome in their house.
I confronted ss at their work (dh employs ss) and he refused to discuss anything and practically ran away. As I was sat in reception I could hear shouting. Dh told me that ss had gone to him (even tho he'd refused to discuss anything at work with me) and said "how dare your so called wife confront me at work? " dh said "just leave it" but ss called him "a stupid c---- " unfortunately dh belted him one. And told him to find another job.
I feel terrible. I don't want my dh to lose another family member. What happens now? Dh is just so sad.

still learning's picture

"I think sometimes a Stepmother is judged more harshly than even the MIL."

Ya think?

sunshinex's picture

Honestly, it might sound harsh to keep a 3 year old from having fun because they've barely eaten, but if you've ever been the parent of a picky 3 year old, you just want them to friggin eat sometimes and it's hard. SD went through a stage of barely eating ANYTHING because she just wanted junk food or nothing, so we kept her at the table and made her finish a few bites of everything before she could go do something else. It would piss me the hell off if anyone tried to undermine that, because they weren't the ones living with her and going through the struggle of watching her starve or eat junk food - no in between.

Don't undermine parents. That's all I have to say. It might seem harsh to you, but as someone who's not raising the child, you NEVER know the full story.

twopines's picture

Going by what you've written, my husband's stepmom wouldn't be allowed in my home, either. Especially if she thinks I'm stupid and doesn't tolerate me or my family well.

Disneyfan's picture

You caused all of this turmoil between your husband, his son and daughter inlaw. NOW you wonder if you should have kept your mouth shut.

I don't blame the DIL one bit for saying you are no longer allowed in her home.

Ninji's picture

"I don't blame the DIL one bit for saying you are no longer allowed in her home."

Really? I completely agree that OP was crossing boundaries and should respect the parents wishes, but I think banning her from their home for one incident is extreme. Unless OP has been doing this from the beginning, I think a discussion would have been more appropriate.

Disneyfan's picture

It wasn't just one incident. The OP confronted her SS at his job sparking the blowup between him and his father.

So, no I don't blame the DIL one bit.

Firm but fair but angry's picture

It was one comment that I was banned from - the work was just where I said we need to talk before he ran off was offensive about me to his dad. Them two have big fverbal ights at the garage all the time. A lot of it because ss bullies the apprentices. I've ALWAYS had a joke on with ss. I had no idea there was any resentment between us. His wife - no- she sits and draws cartoon horses (the same one), shouts at the dogs and kids and doesn't know how to hold a conversation. And no, I've never commented on that.

Firm but fair but angry's picture

Thanks for your comments, good to see a different side, I still feel they were being too harsh on me by an off guard comment.

Acratopotes's picture

Only you can correct this...... it's going to be hard but it needs to be done.

Go to DIL and SS and apologize, simply say, I was wrong interfering with your way of parenting your children, I am sorry, I'm just stupid old Granny who wants to spoil them rotten it will not happen again....
then turn to SS and say - kiddo I was really immature to discuss home stuff at the office, causing trouble, I've already told your father (and do this) that it was my fault. Then walk away and leave them to come around, on their own time.

You have no right telling any person how to raise their kids, you had yours and you raised them, now allow them to raise their kids as they see fit. Think of it this way.... how would you have reacted when it was your 3 year old and your SM interfered... remember you do not live with them in a house, they have to sort out their own issues

Firm but fair but angry's picture

I still don't see how one comment could cause them to be so nasty? If they'd have just said rather than give me evil looks and bitch to other people I would have got it. I have no idea whether their kids are picky eaters or not? When we go out for dinner they make them eat full Sunday roasts even I couldn't finish and I don't say a word? At the party I had no idea what they had eaten or not but the ss and wife were tucking into chips and cheese.
I know I have to make it right. Right now I dont feel I can
All the angst in the world and that makes them mad.

Acratopotes's picture

Firm - yes you can ... or at least try, go to them and apologize and say it will not happen again, what they do with that will be on then them... not you....

take DH with, so that he can see you tried, this is the time to take a bow and be the baddy, but this only happens ones a life time lol... you had yours get it over and done with,

Firm but fair but angry's picture

I shall wait for the dust to settle. Dh isn't very tesponsive seeing as the police are now involved

Aniki-Moderator's picture

What do you mean by "...she has never got over the fact he left her when she was 9 to marry an aggressive woman."?

Did your DH leave his then-wife for you?? Or was he already divorced when you two married?

Firm but fair but angry's picture

Haha! But no! Dh left his first wife when his daughter was 9. He later married his 2nd wife who his daughter hated and called aggressive . I'm number 3.

twoviewpoints's picture

Ahem...going to the workplace to "confront" (your word) SS , just might be considered aggressive.

Firm but fair but angry's picture

Thanks. I don't judge anyone but I've decided I will stay well away from them. I'm too old to be involved in petty disputes (even tho this has turned huge) with silly women who turn everything I say into something malicious. Even reading the comments in this forum has made me realise.
No wonder Bridget Bardot (I think it was) said " the more I meet people the more I prefer animals".

still learning's picture

"You need to be your husbands partner and leave everything else to him when it come to his family."

It took me a few years to learn this nugget of truth and as my name suggests, I am "still learning." I overstepped boundaries last time ss26, sdil and the gskids were here. gs3 was under the table hiding and pooping in his diaper. I mentioned to the parents that he was taking a poo and they just ignored it. I told them they could take him to the potty and I got the evil eye. Then I went further and told how ds10 was potty trained by 1 yr old. They did not want to hear it, so I shut up. DH then picked up the conversation and started talking about how he was too old to still be in diapers. Funny how I got all the dirty looks when he said this.

It's easy to step on toes and cross boundaries, especially in step life. I would just eat the humble pie and apologize for whatever they accused you of. Be harder on yourself than they could ever possibly be. Go on and on about how wrong you were and how horrible you feel about *blah de blah.*

still learning's picture

And for the record I don't think you were horrible, a little annoying perhaps but who among us has not had suggestions from well meaning in laws that we did not agree with. I've learned to take everything exMil suggests concerning the kids and parenting w/a grain of salt. Like someone above said, many skids are just waiting for you to slip up so they can attack. Sad but true.

Confronting him at work, well that was a bit much and you've obviously learned your lesson from that.

Firm but fair but angry's picture

Thank you for your insights. You are all so good to listen to, give a different perspective. I hope it can all be sorted for dh sake. For me they can all do one. I wish I could eat humble pie. I just can't

Firm but fair but angry's picture

They would parade a letter around to everyone. They are already calling the wider family around for dinner to tell their side of the story! It's pathetic and for me, I don't care. I just hope dh can work it out with him.

notasm3's picture

I don't think it's any big loss to be rid of the SS and his wife. Sure you were wrong. But they don't sound like anybody I'd miss.

Count your blessings if you never have to see them again.

Firm but fair but angry's picture

Yes I won't miss her at all. She definitely has some educational issues of some description, I can't put my finger on it. I talk to all the young people at the centre I go to and they chat more easily than her, even the teens who have had dreadful upbringings. Ss - I like the banter we had but hey ho. Life goes on.

Rags's picture

SS called his father a "c--nt" and you are worried about DH losing another family member? No great loss IMHO.

Good on DH for smacking and firing his son over that crap.

If I ever called my Marine father a "c--nt" or anything other than Dad or Sir he would kick my ass.

I hope SS looked like he took a major beating over that crap.

Now for you.... you may have overstepped with SDIL and the GSkids. GPs need to understand that they have raised their children and though they can certainly express opinions on the raising of the GKs there is a fine line between being a GP and overstepping on the next generation raising their own children.

I had to pull my own mother up short on overstepping a number of years ago when I was correcting SS then 17 on leaving flames leaping 6" up from the stove when his mom asked him to go pull a pot off of the stove since his mom was not going to be downstairs in time to get started on dinner. My wife had asked SS to turn on the flame under the pot on the stove and told him that she we would be down in a minute to start the cooking. Then she got a call from work. She called down to pull the pot off of the stove. So what does the kid do......? He pulls the pot off of the burner and leaves the flame on. smh :? :jawdrop: I asked him about fire leaping on top of the stove and what he was thinking... I got the "Whut? She told me to pull the pot off of the burner. That is what I did." I started the Q&A over WTF he was thinking and if it made sense to leave the burner on with naked live flames shooting up with no pot on the burner or if maybe turning off the burner would be a better idea. My mom interjected so I told her "Mom, you raise me just fine now let me raise my kid". I got the withering look like never before and my dad even gave an under the breath "uh oh" and shook his head at me. I stood my ground.

It may be time to temper your interjections regarding the GKs though I do understand wanting the GKs to enjoy the party.

Firm but fair but angry's picture

Rags, thanks for your insight. They are always bitching at each other and ss is very very disrespectful- dh said it has been the worst decision ever to employ him. At one point dh took retirement, left ss to run it, he gave himself a raise, employed his wife (in a ghost role) then bankrupted the place and the bailiffs were called in. Dh had to take out massive loans to sort it. Ss forgets the negative and tells everyone that dh soon jumped in and took the place back when it suited him (he now works 6 days a week at 64 years old) Still, there is no excuse for violence.
So to tell me my one comment is interfering is laughable. I've thought on all of the comments on here and if people are able to keep their gob shut at all times, they must be saints. It was never meant as a malicious remark, and she is clearly a nasty and yes, stupid person to be so hostile. And in front of everyone for effect. She fights with her mum and dad and then make up as tho nothing has happened. They threaten to take their children away from them all the time. I'm not buying into that
If I had barked on about anything as the examples in this thread indicate I would be embarrassed, but I don't do any of that even to my own family. Mainly I don't care but also it's non of my business.

Rags's picture

Your comment to your SD was in no way laughable. I get that your comment was not regarding her parenting and was just a grandmother being a grandmother to a kid at a party. I also recognize that she is toxic as all get out.

I was just referencing a mildly relevant experience of my own.

You and DH have a lot to deal with regarding these abjectively (Yep, I made that work up) failed semi-adults.

Your DH may want to consider selling his business if he is ready to retire. No need giving it to his daughter and her idiot husband to run into bankruptcy again.

Take care of each other and let these incapable people live their mistakes.