I learned yesterday just how sick SD is
I had it yesterday. I told DH that I was done living with SD slandering me and actively trying to end our marriage. I told him to leave if he could not stand up for me and put a stop to it. I told him I will find someone else that thinks I am worth standing up for. That I. Am not willing to live the rest of my life like this. Either our marriage comes first or it is done.
So he know that I am done if it doesn’t change.
Much later in the conversation he opened up about how sick SD really is. He was not make excuses for it just letting me know the extent of her evil.
He said that if he even says one little thing to her she will pull the plug in him seeing his grandson.
He said she had told him she wants her childhood recreated for her son. BM has stepped into the roll that her mother played in SD life. Goes by same name SD called her grandmother. BM is with SD every single day. The only time she is not there is 1 morning every other week when DH goes to see spawn.
He stepping up he goal of getting rid of me is becaus
e she wants it back to DH and BM back together for her son. This is why she is doing all the sweaters to DH it the family tradition she is recreating.
DH has told her that she needs to make her own traditions with her husband and her family. She says no she wants it back the way it was with her husband and son included.
BM leaves her husband alone to recreate this sick illusion for her. She comes over every day to watch spawn so crazy person can go to yoga and jog. Then if she does not spend the day with her they talk on the phone 8-12 times a day.
DH admitted that she is sick. He also admitted that she has trashed him to her husbands family and they will not give DH time of day when he goes to birthday parties.
We are going to a marriage counselor in February. I told DH it will not be about fixing the relationship with crazy person. It will be about healing from abuse and making our marriage #1 period.
I also told him I am done hiding the fact that I have been abused severely by his kids. I will not come up the fact to anyone.
I also told him I am terrified of his crazy daughter. If she is going to be at a football game that WE will stay home together and do something else.
I am done playing this sick game. DH is very aware of the fact that I am done if this does not stop...
He says he will go see grandson. Not let us be the topic of conversation at all and go to birthday parties. That is all. He does not expect or want grandson anywhere near our home.
He also admitted that he would never be comfortable with being around grandson by himself alone. Thatbif anything happen to the kid SD and BM would ruin him.
Think of it!
"He said she had told him she wants her childhood recreated for her son." Somehow it is OK to include SD's Husband in all of this but not you. If a friend told you this about their DH and SD what would you think? It IS pretty sick. And it is even sicker that even though our DH's admit it is not right, they do nothing.
We are both wrestling with whether to continue to be married to men who refuse to support us. The problem is not that SD wants to recreate 'happy family' with DH and BM, it is that your DH has not told her that your marriage is the top priority in his life. I haven't seen my SD in 8 years which has been shear bliss, and for the most part our marriage is a good one, but there is still that 'elephant in the room' that I keep tripping over - I can not depend on DH to be there for me. He can say whatever he wants, talk is cheap. From past and recent experience, his talk is one thing - his actions are another.
You and I both have threatened our DH's with divorce when there has been a 'wimp' episode. They promise it will not happen again, and when it does, the process is repeated. The problem is when they DO have a 'wimp' episode, they only make promises for the next time. They never go back and actually 'correct' the problem. It's been 8 years and my DH never found the courage to tell SD that his marriage was top priority for him. For all I know, SD might still be his top priority. I can not trust him to return to me if he visited SD . But the main issue is STILL whether he values me enough.
You wrote, "Much later in the conversation he opened up about how sick SD really is. He was not make excuses for it just letting me know the extent of her evil." Actually, your DH IS using this as an excuse - he is using SD's 'sickness' as a distraction from focusing in on HIS 'sickness' of not supporting and defending you. Earlier this week my DH used all sorts of distracting excuses instead of focusing in on the main issue that he fails to support or defend me when I need it most. This past year I had a freind who did not have my back. They are no longer my friend. So why should I allow this from my DH?
Next week I am going to be seeing my therapist and be working on an honest resolution to this problem. DH is a wonderful Husband in all other ways, but I am going to be deciding if this one thing is really a deal breaker.
Your self-interested DH needs
Your self-interested DH needs to get it through his thick skull that he should not sacrifice his wife to make his ADULT daughter happy. That it's understandable to want to make a daughter happy, but it should not come as an expense to YOU. And that it's understandable to want to see a grandson, but that also should not come as an expense to YOU. If you are the one that has to continue to pay, then leave.
If he's going to choose the
If he's going to choose the toxic child over the healthy (I assume) relationship with his wife, he's an idiot. But you already know that.
Also a power play
SD want to be in charge of her BM and BF life. It’s all about HER. She does not care about anybody else. She is painting a picture for herself any everyone must play there part the way SHE wants it to be played. Of course this will never happen and S.D. will never be happy. Just making everyone else miserable
Moose, I just want to add
Moose, I just want to add that your H is fooling himself if he thinks he'll be allowed to be a long-term presence in his gkid's life. His daughter will use the child as leverage to force your H to comply with her wishes. She'll limit contact as a means of punishment, make demands etc all while teaching her offspring the same disrespect. And at some point, she'll cut your H out completely. It's the highest card she has to play, and she WILL play it when she wants to make him really suffer. Even if your H were to prostrate himself and grovel, the gskid will eventually spurn him because the mother will fill the kid with the same poison.
We haven't seen DH's gskids for over seven years. OSD is a narcissist, and we had full access - as long as we shelled out cash and danced to her tune. But the more we gave, the more she wanted, and she would encourage the gskids to hit us up for things, too. Because her relationship with her father was problematic at its core (since no one in that family ever deals with anything in an open, honest fashion), the dysfunction carried over into the next generation. My DH is paying a heavy price for years of PAS, conflict avoidance, and lazy parenting.
One way or another, your H is going to feel some deferred pain. It's partly due to dysfunction, and partly karma. He's already lost his daughter, he's going to lose the gkid, and he may lose you. My DH chose to prioritize me and our marriage, so he has a loyal loving wife to support him. I hope your H gets some therapy, pulls his head out, and chooses wisely.
This sounds so much like my
This sounds so much like my situation. No one in DH family deals with anthing out in the open or honestly either. They just put on this false face. I come from a family that deals with it up front. It is not always pretty, but at least is is out in the open.
DH is also paying a heavy price for years of conflict avodence and lazy parenting. He still thinks she will grow up and change. At 34 years old, no desire to change, it will never happen. She does not think she has ever done anything wrong. Not just with me but anyone.
I just wish DH would give up trying to fix it. It is not fixable. He still has it in his head that if he can get her to change and say she is sorry, that we can all live as the brady bunch. He needs to come to grips with the truth. It is never going to happen. Way way to late. He should have parented her way before this. He was way to worried about being both his kids best friend. BM and him had a compition going on their whole marriage, as to which one of them was the kids best friends. Neither one parented.
The damage was done long ago.