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I feel it’s escalating.

Newimprvmodel's picture

So DH will never talk with his daughters in front of me. Has been that way for years.  This morning he came home from golf and I heard him talking to someone on the phone while I was in the yard. I heard him say he had to go and I heard daughters voice and she heard mine. DH comes in, we actually have coffee and breakfast together on the deck. He shares that his daughter asked if he is "not allowed to speak with her?"  Ok.  Hmmm.  He said he denied it of course. 
This is escalating. And it's the craziest thing. Sharing my husband of many years with a stranger who knows everything about me. 
I don't know how it will play itself out. She never visits so how will that change?  She does like to go to family lake house and that is only time we see her. Twice a summer. 

I have to wonder what he is telling her to trigger these comments. 

Harry's picture

Why doesn't DH not talk to SD in front  of you ?   Seems strange.  Seems like SD wants nothing to do with you.   I would disengage by making sure you are not supporting SD in any way.  I would not allow SD to come to the lake house do disrecept me.  Not talking to the top woman is disrespectful.  DH should have your back. What he doesn't now. 
actually DH is disrecpting  you also by playing tbese games  

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

He is definitely talking badly about you and your character to her and thats why he doesnt want you to be in contact or around her

Divide to conquer

Both of you probably think the worst of each other based on what he both tells you...

This is all to justify how he acts or treats each one of you by blaming the other 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. He is triangulating. How would SD know anything "bad" about OP if not from DH. 

hereiam's picture

So, it seems like your husband is creating all of this. He has you wondering what he talks to his daughters about, why he won't talk to them in front of you, he has them thinking that you don't want him talking to them, because, again, he won't talk to them in front of you. They think you are the bad guy, you think they are. And he's playing all innocent.

Saying, "I have to go," when someone enters the room is suspect. Surely, he knows how that looks and sounds.

MorningMia's picture

I would tell him that I'm concerned about the statement he shared and that he should stop "hiding" when he has conversations with his daughters--it raises suspicions on both sides and creates distrust. Put the ball in his court. Make it his issue to resolve. Act like you and his daughters are affected by his behavior. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

He has no ability to watch what he says. He's caught in the middle. I think he's been pushing SD to come and visit. I don't know how many times he asked her to come for Christmas. And he got one pushback after the next from her.

She has always been very superficial and pretends. Never says an honest thought about the family. Could it be that she is now looking for an excuse NOT to visit since she visits everyone else all over the country yet can't drive a few hours to see us?  DH was telling her cheap trains to take her yet found out she flew cross country to see her mother twice in a few recent months? She now gets indignant at me and uses me as an excuse not to visit. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

When it comes to his children. Because they didn't speak to him for over 5 years he doesn't say a negative comment ever. However he often shares what I say about everything to anyone honestly. But in a joking way. And remember he has no filter talking about me. So does he share his frustration over her refusal to visit by making it be MY feelings of frustration?  Anyway it's a screwed up whatever all around. She doesn't like me and in all honesty she ain't my favorite either. Seems we've been cordial strangers for 15 years.  Now what?  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"And remember he has no filter talking about me."

Unless he has brain damage he could control himself if he wanted to. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Good point.

He has OBVIOUS skills when it comes to filtering himself when it comes to SD and how often he talks to her and what he says.

He is making a CHOICE to be unfiltered with his daughter and highly filtered with you.

Rags's picture

So, he htinks his juvenile demeaning crap regarding sharing everything you say "jokingly" forgives his cowardly bullshit?

Why do you tolerate this crap.  Call him on being a childish Kidult butt sniffing coward.  The fact that he considers and presents you as a joke is even more insulting. IMHO.

He has earned it.

Jerk a knot in his coward non man tail and make him step up as your partenr... or step out of your life.  With far less than half.

Harry's picture

HOW is she going to visit. ??  She will not stay in my home .  People have to talk / respect me to stay in my home.  I would not lift a finger. I would NOT go out with her or do anything with her.  You are a person who requires respect like we all do. You did not start this. You will not gravel.  You will hold your head high . Until SD sends a apology .  Then maybe dinner only as a start. 

'DH can rent a room at Motel 6 and visut SD

Newimprvmodel's picture

So he tells me two striking comments from her recently. The first was "Is Mary upset with me?"  And he said his response was "no, but you should visit".  He said he didn't know or couldn't tell me what caused her to mention me. 
And then this yesterday where she got upset and actually accused me (to him) of not allowing him to speak with him!

Interestingly this week I did express angst?  that he starts the day with her calls and texts all day long. 
And you guys are so right. He filters EVERYTHING he says to the princesses. It is a light and fun. Never ever says a negative comment to them. 
So is he using me to express his displeasure that daughters are cell phone buddies only?  They refuse to visit although they trot all over the country to visit higher up the chain family? 
I suspect that is the case. And it all worsened a few years ago when DH told daughter in person that I disliked her sister. I was stunned but did not contradict him. I still don't understand why he would do such a thing?  Did he not think she would tell her sister?  
It seems he is alienating this daughter now from me. But what is the purpose?  Does he again not get that she will never want to be around me and therefore him?

advice.only2's picture

Your DH is creating drama between the “woman” in his life to make himself feel like the hero for having to placate and hold the peace amongst all the emotional females.  Tell him to grow the f@ck up and stop being a tweenage drama queen. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

In their relationship. The confidant and she sees herself as his mini wife. I've overheard her when we are going to family events that she is not a participant. Her choice for years. She knows everything about everyone even though she has not seen them in 15 years. Weirdly she got married in the past year and he seems like a passive fellow. I've heard her almost bully him at a restaurant.  It makes sense that she is the controller.

I saw it years ago when I came on the scene. They would have dinner by candlelight. No joke and he took her to all his corporate parties at the age of 15. 
It's hard dealing with this prescence.   She calls him after I have a medical procedure to know how I'm doing. Benign yes but to me it's creepy as she and I have zero relationship. She is soothing him.  It's so weird. 

Rags's picture

The sneaky secret squirrel bullshit is a non starter IMHO.  

I am fine with DW having conversations with others. As she is with me having them.  However, when we synch on our day when we are both home at the end of the day, we share the day, including the conversations we had, etc, etc, etc... Not for any other reason than we share our lives together and we are both interested in how the other's day went.

We don't keep secrets, we trust each other implicitly, and we share.  Even when we disagree, we share and discuss those things. We respect each other, and we are partners.

This does not pass the smell test.  I would tell DH that the stench of this is not acceptable to you and it is time for him to man up and for the two of you to actually be full partners, discuss everything, and move forward with your lives together instead of this secret squirrel crap he has with his noxious Skidult spawn.

IMHO of course.

Kloewent's picture

My sis was just visiting for a week. She talks on the phone for hours, her kids, sibs, friends. Tells them every single thing she thinks, eats, does in excruciating detail. Since she was staying with us,I could hear her telling them all about us, our dog who was sick, our remodel, the food we cooked. I don't know a lot of these people, can't imagine they care what I made for breakfast. It is kind of uncomfortable. Some people just blather. If you talk repeatedly during the day you have to come up with something to say. Maybe he just runs out of his own things to talk about, so has to talk about you. I love my sons dearly, but I couldn't maintain that level of communication with them every day. It sounds exhausting.

Rags's picture

Definately a person with a succubus complex.

Nea

My talk time is during work commutes.  I call people, catch up for a few minutes, then call the next one.

Part of those converations are the same, the rest is custom for that individual based on the interface.