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I DONT want her to come!

VioletsBlue's picture

Background story is ...I havent been to my home country in 14 Years...we might be able to go this year in summer...In the past DH told SD19 that she would be coming too...and ut might pop up again....The thing Is...I dont want her to come....if you see my other posts...She was heavily alienated by BM...We have NO relationship...she doesnt even say Hi to me....She has a Lot of issues she needs to DEAL with...but she isnt really dealing ...or trying to get help...We went see DH family last summer...It was SO stresfull to be around her...she tried to say Everyone was abandoning her...Well when you sleep well past NOON...what do you expect??

Ive known her for 14 Years...never...not ONCE has she asked about my culture...my country...my family...

In my opinion This is NOT a trip for her to bond with Me...which is what DH has in mind I think...This trip is about ME re-bonding with my family who I havent seen in a LONG tims...and for My kids to meet my side of the family

I dont want to bring SD and her issues with me on this trip! 

It will be TOO stressfull as it is...let alone bringing a troubled...reserved...super serious, anxious young adult to a foreign country...that my DH will do anything to Please

Is this Unreasonable?? 

It's been all about HER.. Ive given everything I had to DH and DS..I Need this trip to be about Me and DH and bio kids getting to know my family

SD doesnt give a fuck about me...Let alone meeting my fam...Ive waited so long to go and i dont want her BS to wreck it...like she did when we visited DH family...She doesnt speak the language..and there is no wifi Everywhere for her...I can just see what a disaster it will be! Ugh! She is 19...she does NOT need to tag along everywhere we go does she??

 

 

tog redux's picture

No, it's not the slightest bit unreasonable. Tell DH that you don't want her to go, period. If he objects, go alone.

VioletsBlue's picture

Planing to..I legitimately get anxiety...(tightness in my chest and fast heart beat) when I'm around her...This trip will be super emotional on many levels..I do t need to fucking worry about her and her issues on Top of that..Even DH family saw how high maitenance she was (They Said it!!) 

tog redux's picture

Good for you. If he wants to deny his daughter's issues, he can, but you don't have to. Put your foot down on this one.

AyeGavalt's picture

She's DEFINITELY toxic to you and he needs to protect you from that.

You need to be clear that you can't deal with her.

i have a similar toxic SD...I need to take my own advice. 

shamds's picture

Year go back to australia to visit my elderly father and relax. We stay in my childhood home always. Guess what?? In the 5+ years i’ve been married to hubby never once has any skid of mine been invited.

they ignore me, belittle me and are very condescending and try to put me at a lower position to them. In huvbys mind with ss21 who lives at home when not at university, if he regularly and actively goes out of his way to ignore me and refer to me as a stranger, he has no business coming to my country for a family holiday on his dads money. 

His dad has said he cannot bring ss since he actively goes out of his way to show we are not family so if we are not family he doesn’t get to holiday with us.

we are currently settling on a home in my country that hubby is putting in my name only. For religious holidays mid this year, hubby already told ss he cannot bring him to my country where hubby intends to holiday based on how ss treats us, that hubby can’t justify bringing ss along, hubby said his own bio mum doesn’t want him, his sisters won’t spend the holidays with him because they are controlled by bio mum and  stepdad and then he wouldn’t spend it with hubbys family because they’ll grill him about his behaviour all these years that now he’s on his own because of it so he’ll have to celebrate the holidays alone.

unfortunately when you behave like a disrespectful idiot, no one wants to be around you. If hubby even says that ss is coming, i am firmly telling him over my dead body. He is not welcome in my home as all our married life he has gone to extremes to alienate us, ignore and shun us. Our new home is a happy positive place, ss just brings negativity 

his bio mum and real siblings (his full siblings) should prioritize spending time with him, not us since we are all strangers to him!!

shamds's picture

Us. 

Ss is shitting himself because reality apparently hit him that he’s on his own for the holidays this yr and he is cchucking a sob story that he wants to apologize.

the last time this piece of shit apologized, he mumbled and smirked all the way through and said daddy told me to apologise to which i told off hubby what kind of shit kid is he raising here and hubby grilled ss about it and ss responds in third person point of view “person is stressed”, really, our whole family is stressed because you actively make our lives hell and daddy is too chicken shit to firmly address this because ss threatened to leave and abandon hubby for good, so guilty disney daddy comes into play. 

Hubby tried to blame me once about 2 yrs ago that because he had to address these issues that ss wanted to run away... its a laughable matter because he has no money, no home to live in and no job so what? He wants to run away and beg daddy for money to live off of??

AyeGavalt's picture

Re:"unfortunately when you behave like a disrespectful idiot, no one wants to be around you." Bravo

Truth! Sadly to get that he has to ADMIT they're disrespectful idiots. My partner can't do it so I'm afraid we'll always have an impass RE these entitled brats.

piegirl's picture

I also do not think you are being at all unreasonable. I would explain to DH that after 14 years of not being home this trip is all about YOU and your family. It's lovely that he thinks SD should bond with you, but really she can do that now if she is so inclined...sounds like she won't be happy there anyway so I would ask DH why waste the money?

VioletsBlue's picture

Tha k you! Yeah! We had 14 YEARS to bond...something didnt work..I didnt have a chance with BM alienation and DH turning blind eye to her disrespecting my boundaries so Ive now shut down..I dont say Hi to her...wont give her rides erc...We arent juat Magicaly going to bond in 2-3 weeks away lol

WarMachine13's picture

If your DH wants you and SD to bond it should be some other time. This trip is for YOU. Agree with others that only you and DH go or you go solo.

Gimlet's picture

Agree with this.

Bonding also take two, which is something these guilty dads seem to overlook.  

SeeYouNever's picture

I have had family trips to see my family turn into vacations for SD. I do not recommend it at all! All it does is derail the plans I have with my family and make my family think that my husband is a spineless worse that is ruled by a little girl. Your husband will either be away entertaining his daughter or you will all be roped into entertaining his daughter rather than visiting among yourselves. Family visits and vacations are different this is something that stepchildren don't understand because to them they are never visiting family it's always a vacation.

VioletsBlue's picture

YES!! Thats exactly IT!! This is not a Fun vacay time..I havent been home in 14 years..no matter what ..It will be an emotional reunion..and SD is just very reserved...serious...one word answer type of person...stresses me out so much! 

When you cant say Hi to me on daily basis...only contact me when you Need something...When you need a ride and only send me the address ..No "Hi! Can you please give me a ride!?" ...You dont get to all of a sudden pretend you are part od My family or I am part of ayours...cut the bullshit...and lets stop pretending! You are free to treat people as you see fit...but just know that behavious has consequences.....

Harry's picture

To SD,  nothing says you must travel with SD.  Why would she want to see your family?  Tell DH NO she not going, if he doesn't like that, he can stay home with SD. To cook for her, clean up after her 

VioletsBlue's picture

Exactly!! She will be almost 20 by that time....Its DH that just said she is coming too...No co bersation...no nothing...and then back when it 1st came up...I said I dont feel comfortable w her coming...So IF ut comes up again....I will say it Again! Its even Worse now than it was back then...We saw what she was like visiting DH family...everyone saw it...and we had a few dense moments where I put her in her place when she came up to slam my 7y old for sometbing she didnt even do....So ...Pretending that everything is Peachy is Done for me...DH would love if we all pretend so he can live in his ignorant bliss....yeah, no! 14 Years was enough .but Im preaching to the quoir...you all know what its like

Rags's picture

Not unreasonable at all.  DH needs clarity that the adult Skid will not be joining your family on this trip to see YOUR family.

I can't imagine the tension you have lived for more than a decade with a toxic Skid and a ball-less husband.

VioletsBlue's picture

Yes Exactly! Tensions!! I feel like I have mild PTSD from it...I can deal w it here...but NOT at my home

VioletsBlue's picture

Oh I did once before when this came up...I think I might speak Louder IF it comes up again

Focused_onourlife's picture

If it comes up again don't say "I'm uncomfortable with SD coming" just say NO SD is not coming. Then walk away or change the subject. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Find your voice OP and let him know that under no circumstances is SD coming on the trip to visit YOUR family that you haven't seen in 14 years. The whole bonding BS is too little, too late and he can stop that fantasy. Don't be afraid to tell him firmly that she will not be joining you. There is no discussing it as you are not giving him any options. 

She has sucked the life out of you for too long. If your H can't understand that he can keep his @ss home and entertain her. Go visit your family and enjoy yourself. Your H doesn't get to make the decision of his unruly 19 year old going on your trip. 

VioletsBlue's picture

Thank you! Zhats Exactly what I will do! Too little too late...If it happens in the future aczer she goes to intensive counseling...thats fine...but whis trip will NOT be used to Pretend we r a big happy family....just No

oatsnhoney's picture

If he wanted his daughter to bond with you he should have put in major effort from the start. Just tell him, it's too late to bond.. you needed to nurture that years ago. We are adults now and simply put.. not friends. I won't (don't ask ... tell) be traveling on trips with her. If he pushes then I'd say ..this is my time with my family, so no, she can't come. If you want a special trip with her then you two go ahead another time. 
I have forced myself to say this type of stuff with DH. I have a young son and I have to limit exposure to F'ed up skids. We rarely travel as a blended family now. If it happens we have seperatr cars and seperatr rooms. I just can't handle being around them too long. I get a pit in my stomach. We are such different people. Life's to short to be forced into misery.

VioletsBlue's picture

YES!! Exactly This!! We are adults and we dont Like eachother...We are SO different...and I juat cant force it anymore...thank you for putting it so well into words!!

Winterglow's picture

Don't tell your DuH that you're uncomfortable about her going with you, that leaves the door open to discussion (or even assumptions that you will tolerate he rnevertheless. Tell him there is no way in HELL she's going with you, that this is not a vacation, a fun trip, this is a very long overdue visit to your family and you are going ALONE to see people you love and miss terribly ... but he can tag along if he wants. 

Be blunt but be clear. Do not let him wheedle or whine. If he wants to go on a trip with his daughter he can go somewhere else.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Violets, I don't think you have a problem knowing what needs to be done in this situation.

Your problem seems to be that you need to know how to do it, and the courage to stand by it.  Come up with clear, specific sentences and then GO AND SPEAK THEM to your DH in a firm, no-nonsense way: 

- The trip is to visit my family not a vacation.

- My family's home is THEIRS and they have invited me, child and YOU to come, not SD.

- SD has not been invited.

- YOU cannot invite her to my family's home, it is rude.  It will be very uncomfortable for my family to have SD there.  

- SD is not welcome to join us while we reconnect with my family.

Don't be passive and wait for him to bring it up again - be confident and bring it up yourself! 

Practice saying these phrases first and then calmly sit down and state them to your DH.  Don't let him try to talk you out of it.  No matter what he says, just keep repeating one of these phrases every time he says, "BUT... But...but..."

 

 

 

 

sandye21's picture

You know, it's really sad that we have to be blunt to get our opinions across but sometimes this is just what it takes.  After all, your DH is being rather blunt in he is insisting on taking SD without considering everyone else.on the trip.  He lacked the sensitivity  to realize he was over-stepping.  He should have been asking himself what the possible impact would be if SD went along. 

There have been so many times that I have tried to communicate with a 'softer' delivery and it was just ignored.  It's like going to visit my Husband's family in Italy and bringing my Mother without any consideration for anyone.  How selfish!  It's really sad, because we are nice people and we are placed in unjustifiably negative situations..

To get her point across the OP is going to have to create boundaries and stand firm, then go on a 'pleasant' visit with a man who was trying to push his own agenda on her.  Sad.  Just hope once she gets to her home country she can let all of that garbage go and have a good time.  If this were me I might leave him at home.

VioletsBlue's picture

It really IS sad..I am Not an awful person..I am pretty easy going...cherfull and positive person..love being around people..I am talkative...love to laugh a lot..SD is all the OPOSITE of that.....Plus she crosses my boundaries and tries in her quiet but manipulative ways to pin DH and me against eachother...even DH parents SAW this...so I am Not being crazy.....Letting her come would be a Horrible thing...I will Practice being assertive and telling MY truth.....It sucks like you said to be put in this situation..but here we are...blergh...maybe she'll move OUT by then bahahah 

AyeGavalt's picture

Yep! This sounds EXACTLY like our dynamic-her nasty "the world owes me" personality, me trying to be upbeat and cheerful... UNTIL ID HAD ENOUGH! Now it's OVER.

greenskin's picture

Not wanting her to come is completely normal.

Actually, most 19 year olds would rather be traveling on their own. Maybe a redirect is an option here - say, offer the money that would have been spent on her plane ticket instead for her to backpack through Europe or a cool weekend in New York City or something? That's something a 19 year old would normally want to do.

Or suggest that he goes on a trip with just him and her instead. Something special for just the two of them. He's the one that needs to be connecting with her. She sounds depressed. Times where they spend time alone together (dinners, weekend trips, etc) might be what she really needs. That frees you up to focus on your kids.

VioletsBlue's picture

I know right! Why the heck would 19y old even Want to come on a trip w a person (me) she doesnt care one bit about?? And to a country she Never bothered to ask me about...never asked about my family etc...Yes she does sound depressed...ahe suffered verbal and phycological abuse from her bi polar mother...But She or DH arent doing Anything to get her into counceling...Ive mentioned it so many times...found reaources etc...nothing...so Im done trying.....I need to distance myself frommall of the mess its affecting me mentaly...And I dont want to be around her

So yes I like your suggestion! She might like that...Id rather give her that $$s then havs her tag along and be misserable and make everyone else misserable too

Rags's picture

"No!" is both a complete sentence and a complete conversation.

Be direct, be clear, be firm, be assertive.

Enjoy our trip to visit with YOUR family.

sammigirl's picture

Now is a time to put your foot down and say "NO."  I would not offer anything, or this will be a new thing to overcome. 

The first time you stand your ground is the most difficult.   After the first "no," it gets much easier and less frequent. 

Keep us posted.