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I don't know where else to go & i'm so upset

GoldieB8's picture

sorry, this is going to be long.
i dont know where else to go for help.
i'm so pissed my head is going to explode.

i'm 58.
my mom is 78.
she drank from the time she was 14. all her life.
when i was a child, she did not care if we had supper, clean clothes, clean bed sheets, it was just a disgusting mess.
i would take change & walk to the store & buy cans of raviolis, stand on a chair next to the stove & heat it up for myself and my two brothers and sister for supper. or we had butter bread.
we never had lunch money.
we were always hungry.
we all left home as soon as we were old enough.
she was just disgusting.
my father worked nights and was in total denial of what she was like.

i would try to talk to her on and off through the years. she just was busy with her friends, drama and drinking.
she left my father for another man. when that man died, she lost everything she owned & ended up living with my brother for ten years. she could not drink while living with him.
then she retired and moved back to her hometown & went back to drinking. 
but from what i understand from relatives, she wasn't drinking as much as she used to.

i don't drink. i have no alcohol in my house.

10 yrs ago i went to visit her and started a kind of relationship with her. she came to my wedding and i would call her weekly. 
then i go to the point where i would go see her for her birthday (she lived nine hour drive away) 
last May i called her and she sounded strange. i found out she had fallen & hurt herself. 
i had a bad feeling about things, got in the car, drove out to her.
she had twisted her back and could not walk.
i took her to urgent care, they examined her, gave her rx. 
she could not walk. 
i had to half carry her to the bathroom while she cried.
she was badly dehydrated.
i made the decision to bring her to my home. she hadn't driven in years and had no car, she had to walk everywhere she went for groceries and necessities. there was no way she could continue living alone. i had to bring her to my house & care for her here. 
my husband agreed to this.
i brought her home. the ride was hell. she cried when i had to take her to restrooms.
i got her home, gave her our guest room and bathroom which thank God are on the ground floor of the house.
i would shower her, dress her, toilet her, everything. 
i got her a walker. she wanted a wheelchair. i felt that if she went into a wheelchair, she would not try walking ever again, so i insisted on the walker.
i had a special toilet installed with hand grips so she could eventually hold herself up on the toilet.
she refused to go to any more doctors.
just refused.
i fed her, washed her, everything. 
i told her she needed to stretch her muscles and worked on that with her.
i got her to walk short distances.
she got braver with the walker.
she started walking around with the walker farther and farther but then would be in pain and back in bed.
it was a long process.
now she walks.
she walks up and down the road. 
some days she stays in bed, mostly just to watch tv on rainy days.
but she walks. she can make herself food. the walker is put away in the basement.

she was a horrible mother.
a monster.
okay?

i have 3 children.
my daughter is in her late 20s.
she has depression.
i had sworn when i was a child that i would be NOTHING like my mother.
i care about my kids. i do everything i can for them. they went to college, they're great adults.
i dont work any more.  i am on disability for an injury sustained at work and it limits me but i manage, i hurt badly most of the time but it hurts whether i sit on the couch all day or do light housework.

so when my daughter is overwhelmed, i will go see her - she lives an hour away.
because i am disabled, when i go see her, many times i will spend the night.
i go see my daughter, help her manage whatever the problem is, i have peace & time away from my mother and husband. it is nice.

please also note my relationship with my husband is seriously strained because of his kids and their abuse of me.

so when i  go see my daughter, now that my mother is walking again, mom is able to shower safely alone, etc. when i go away overnight, i make sure there is plenty of food in the house, etc. my husband is here in case there is a problem but they are okay without me.

oh, here is an example:
my daughter had a very serious ear infection and was told she may need surgery. she called me from the hospital. i told my husband and mother i might have to go to my daughter. 
my mother's response, seriously, i cannot get over this.
my mother's response was that she was low on the coffee pods she liked and could i get her some before i left.
note, there is plenty of coffee in the house, it's just the flavor she liked, she was down to about 10 pods....
it ended up where my daughter's doctor decided against the surgery and sent her home with meds.
but that was my mother's first reaction.
not, what is wrong with my daughter?
not, is she going to be okay?
not, what can i do to help you?

it was she was concerned about running out of her favorite flavored coffee while i was at the hospital with my daughter. she wanted me to have my daughter wait in the hospital while i ran to get her coffee.

i went up to my daughter's to help her after she threw her boyfriend of 4 years out.
my daughter was very upset & depressed.
i go up, we talk, we plan & she feels better.

so.....

today i was talking to my daughter, her depression has gotten worse & it is compounded by seasonal depression. her therapist had recommended she get a lamp that has artificial sunlight.
we have one of those lamps, i had bought it for my daughter when she was away at college.
i told my daughter i would bring the lamp up to her and we could go to a movie we wanted to see.
i was not even going to spend the night. i was going to leave in the morning, catch the matinee with her and then come home....

i told my husband and mother i was planning on going to see my daughter. not asking permission. just letting them know my plans.

my mother told me i go see my daughter too much and i should limit my visits to once a month.

seriously.

i didn't react.
i didn't yell like i wanted to.

i just looked at her and walked out of the room.

i wanted to yell

dont tell me what to do
unlike you, the monster mother, i care about my children
i'm not going to change just because you are here
i'm not your servant

my husband, who i no longer get along with, is enjoying my outrage and eggs my mother on when i am not home.
my relationship with him was strained and now we are like roommates.
he let his children destroy me. he did nothing to stop them.
they did their best to kill my happiness.
but that's just a long one too.
nowadays, i refuse to play their games and tell him to go see them by himself.

right now i am just so outraged.
this woman, who went years with out speaking to me.
she did not even know how many children i had until they were teenagers.
okay?
she was a horrible mean vicious drunk
who caused me nothing but pain and embarrassment

i take her into my home
& care for her
wiping shit off her butt
making her walk again
bringing her back to health

& she stands there and tells me to see my daughter once a month???

and my husband is just so deeply enjoying this i just want to bitch slap him

argh

do i just ignore her?
nod my head and go when i want anyway?
or tell her to her face i'm not the f###ing uncaring demon bitch she was.
seriously.

to this very day, i'm 58, okay? to this very day, i have nightmares about trying to find enough change for my brothers' & sister's lunches so they don't go hungry in school

oh my god.

somebody please help me

i dont deserve this
i truly dont 
i was molested as a child & she didn't believe me
i was married to a man who beat me so badly i have  no back teeth - he's dead
now i am married to a man who just treats me like i am old, fat & stupid.
i'm none of those.
i have 3 great kids.
they are my joy in life
and these two people feel i shoudn't spend time with them
here i am cooking & caring for them.
me, i'm disabled.
i'm in pain all the time.
i work through it.
listening to them bitch & groan all the time, making everything a pissing contest.
i go to a psychiatrist but haven't been in a couple months.
you know what his last advice was for dealing with them?
he told me to go see my daughter every chance i had for the peace & time away from them. 

because my children are my joy

and these two monsters dont want me seeing my kids.

 

tog redux's picture

Put her in assisted living/nursing home.  She has no assets, she will qualify for Medicaid and they will pay for it. It won't be as nice as your home, but you have no obligation to care for someone who abused you for your whole life.

Then you can decide whether or not to leave your husband.  58 isn't old, you have lots of life ahead of you, don't spend it with abusers.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Seriously.  The one you are seeing obviously is not able to help you with your issues.  

Also, if you are in the US, you should be cautious about getting disability payments for a physical problem.  If you are physically assisting your mother and daughter and caring for them, if you are able to drive, etc. then you are physically able to get a job as a caregiver or a delivery driver. 

If it is either workman's compensation or SS disability you are getting, be careful that someone doesn't report you.  A nasty neighbor, relative or coworker could turn you in. 

SSstepmom's picture

This is horrible. I would absolutely put your mother in her place. She didn't care for you but you turned around and did it for her and now she has the NERVE to treat you like this. Just terrible. I would find another living arrangement for her and try to get into a little apartment for yourself. Your dh sounds like a disgusting person too. Better yet if they're enjoying tormenting you so much find yourself somewhere to live and leave them there together.  See ya. I feel so bad for you.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Caring for any relative is a choice we can make, it is not a ‘given’ or an obligation.. 

We do not owe our parents anything, particularly those that do not treat us with kindness and respect. 

She was neglectful and therefore abusive of you. 

Your children need you. 

Your mum would be ok in a nursing home. 

beebeel's picture

I agree that your mom needs to go. It was very kind of you to take her in when she needed help, but it will never be appreciated. Your mom is who she is and if she didn't give a rip if you starved as a small child, she isn't going to give a rip about any of your adult needs, either.

As for your marriage, I don't think his kids are the only source of contention. I'm not dismissing any hell they put you through, but you must acknowledge that having your mother living there doesn't help. Also, it appears that your husband resents the frequent visits to your adult daughter or he wouldn't align with your horrid mother over the subject.

It's admirable that you are determined to be better than your own mother. But I think the pendulum has swung too far and now you have become a martyr to "helping" others. Unfortunately it sounds like a lot of enabling is going on under the guise of "help." 

I think you might greatly benefit from some therapy to help you work on these codependent habits.

MissTexas's picture

Pshychiatrist. Go toward the joy.

I commend you for having the heart of a servant and all that you have described you do and have done for others, particularly your mother.

I can relate to much of your dysfunctional upbringing, much of it rings true to my life as well. I learned I had to help myself, as nobody else could be counted on to do so. Have you been to therapy to heal the wounded little girl who still lives deep inside of  you? If not, that would be a good starting point. When we don't heal old wounds, they become our blueprint for future relationships. If we don't feel deserving of love and valued, then we tend to attach ourselves to people who validate that belief. 

Your mom is a sick woman, likely the contributing factor is the alcohol abuse. Notice I said CONTRIBUTING, not THE REASON. You know this woman was never loving, nurturing or caring, and she has had decades to perfect those deficiencies, it is highly unlikely she will change now, so stop expecting her to. That is a pipe dream that will never come to fruition, and jealousy is likely the motive behind telling you not to see your daughter too often. Your daughter NEEDS you, your mother DOES NOT.

You have to take care of yourself in order to care for others. Start there. Get out of this unhealthy marriage, and out from under your mother's negativity. Can you move closer to your daughter? I know you're an hour away, which isn't too far.

Please, put yourself and those who love and care about you, and whom you love and care for FIRST. You'll find your entire focus will shift for the better. Remember, it's a process, and it will take time finding the new you.

susanm's picture

I agree with the others.  Put your mother in a nursing home.  If she doesn't want to go, fine.  She can make her own arrangements but she can't stay with you any longer because you are moving to be closer to your daughter, divorcing your husband, and taking your disability payments with you.  See ya', sweethearts.  Peace out!

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) to you, OP.  I got choked up reading this.

I agree with the others who said to find somewhere else for your mother to live.  This might sound harsh, but you owe her nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Blood does not bind you.  You are her daughter by chance, but you do not have to be by choice.  You've spent your whole life caring for others: you siblings, your kids, your mom.  I'd image that you don't even really know what caring for yourself should look like, or feel like.

Have you been to Al Anon?  Have you read anything about Adult Children of Alchoholics?  If not, you should.  We're not like other people in some significant ways.  I'd bet you don't really know what normal and healthy looks like for yourself, although it sounds like you've done your best for your kids.  Good for you, OP, it takes real strength to break the cycle. 

You are NOT old, fat, and stupid.  You are strong, resilient, and most of all kind.  Do you know how hard it is, how much courage it takes, to come out of what you've been though still kind?  The monsters don't know, because they are not that strong or they are too broken and don't have the heart to change.  But you, you came through this with your kindness intact and no one can ever take that away from you.  Now you need to find that kindness for yourself.  

Get back to your therapist and find a good Al Anon meeting.  It might take some time to find the right mix, but it can be really helpful.  Get that f*cking beast of a breeder (I will not call her a mother) out of your house.  Find a place by yourself, closer to your kids, where you can start your journey back to healing.  You can do this, OP.  

Go be with your peace and joy.  Learn how to love yourself.  And seriously, f*ck all of those negative assholes in your life.  You don't need them.  

piegirl's picture

I also agree with everyone else that it's time you sent your Mom to a nursing home. She will do just fine there. Next you need to get connected with a good therapist and a good attorney. The therapist will help you heal your inner child (and no you don't need to involve your Mom in that) and the attorney will help you get what is righfully yours in the divorce.

Good luck - peace and strength. You sound like a great Mom to your own kids!!

sandye21's picture

I agree with the other posters.  Put your Mother in an assisted living home, then go to the therapist to help you deal with your horrible marriage.

I can really relate to your story as my Mother was also abusive and negligent.  She passed away in June.  I am presently going to a therapist to deal with guilt from no sense of loss and processing an unrewarding relationship with DH.  Miss Texas was right on when she wrote that an unloving relationship with a parent will make you gravitate to a husband who validates the parent.  Good luck and hugs.

Rags's picture

Why would you invite toxic into your life, feed it, nurture it, care for it, enable it to thrive and target you?

Why would you tolerate an asshole who partners with the resident toxic to victimize you?

No, you deserve none of this.  So... purge it all and enjoy your life.  Put the toxic woman on the curb and call an uber to take her wherever she wants to go but she does not return.  She is not your mother. She has never been your mother, and she has earned zero when it comes to care from you.

Once the toxic woman is standing on the curb with her walker turn to your DH and tell him that he has a choice.  Join the toxic woman on the curb or pull his head out of his ass and be your husband.  If he hesitates point to the door, call the locksmith and re-key the locks. 

Enjoy your life.  Toxic has no place in it.