I don't know where else to go & i'm so upset
sorry, this is going to be long.
i dont know where else to go for help.
i'm so pissed my head is going to explode.
my mom is 78.
she drank from the time she was 14. all her life.
when i was a child, she did not care if we had supper, clean clothes, clean bed sheets, it was just a disgusting mess.
i would take change & walk to the store & buy cans of raviolis, stand on a chair next to the stove & heat it up for myself and my two brothers and sister for supper. or we had butter bread.
we never had lunch money.
we were always hungry.
we all left home as soon as we were old enough.
she was just disgusting.
my father worked nights and was in total denial of what she was like.
i would try to talk to her on and off through the years. she just was busy with her friends, drama and drinking.
she left my father for another man. when that man died, she lost everything she owned & ended up living with my brother for ten years. she could not drink while living with him.
then she retired and moved back to her hometown & went back to drinking.
but from what i understand from relatives, she wasn't drinking as much as she used to.
i don't drink. i have no alcohol in my house.
10 yrs ago i went to visit her and started a kind of relationship with her. she came to my wedding and i would call her weekly.
then i go to the point where i would go see her for her birthday (she lived nine hour drive away)
last May i called her and she sounded strange. i found out she had fallen & hurt herself.
i had a bad feeling about things, got in the car, drove out to her.
she had twisted her back and could not walk.
i took her to urgent care, they examined her, gave her rx.
she could not walk.
i had to half carry her to the bathroom while she cried.
she was badly dehydrated.
i made the decision to bring her to my home. she hadn't driven in years and had no car, she had to walk everywhere she went for groceries and necessities. there was no way she could continue living alone. i had to bring her to my house & care for her here.
my husband agreed to this.
i brought her home. the ride was hell. she cried when i had to take her to restrooms.
i got her home, gave her our guest room and bathroom which thank God are on the ground floor of the house.
i would shower her, dress her, toilet her, everything.
i got her a walker. she wanted a wheelchair. i felt that if she went into a wheelchair, she would not try walking ever again, so i insisted on the walker.
i had a special toilet installed with hand grips so she could eventually hold herself up on the toilet.
she refused to go to any more doctors.
i fed her, washed her, everything.
i told her she needed to stretch her muscles and worked on that with her.
i got her to walk short distances.
she got braver with the walker.
she started walking around with the walker farther and farther but then would be in pain and back in bed.
it was a long process.
now she walks.
she walks up and down the road.
some days she stays in bed, mostly just to watch tv on rainy days.
but she walks. she can make herself food. the walker is put away in the basement.
she was a horrible mother.
i have 3 children.
my daughter is in her late 20s.
she has depression.
i had sworn when i was a child that i would be NOTHING like my mother.
i care about my kids. i do everything i can for them. they went to college, they're great adults.
i dont work any more. i am on disability for an injury sustained at work and it limits me but i manage, i hurt badly most of the time but it hurts whether i sit on the couch all day or do light housework.
so when my daughter is overwhelmed, i will go see her - she lives an hour away.
because i am disabled, when i go see her, many times i will spend the night.
i go see my daughter, help her manage whatever the problem is, i have peace & time away from my mother and husband. it is nice.
please also note my relationship with my husband is seriously strained because of his kids and their abuse of me.
so when i go see my daughter, now that my mother is walking again, mom is able to shower safely alone, etc. when i go away overnight, i make sure there is plenty of food in the house, etc. my husband is here in case there is a problem but they are okay without me.
oh, here is an example:
my daughter had a very serious ear infection and was told she may need surgery. she called me from the hospital. i told my husband and mother i might have to go to my daughter.
my mother's response, seriously, i cannot get over this.
my mother's response was that she was low on the coffee pods she liked and could i get her some before i left.
note, there is plenty of coffee in the house, it's just the flavor she liked, she was down to about 10 pods....
it ended up where my daughter's doctor decided against the surgery and sent her home with meds.
but that was my mother's first reaction.
not, what is wrong with my daughter?
not, is she going to be okay?
not, what can i do to help you?
it was she was concerned about running out of her favorite flavored coffee while i was at the hospital with my daughter. she wanted me to have my daughter wait in the hospital while i ran to get her coffee.
i went up to my daughter's to help her after she threw her boyfriend of 4 years out.
my daughter was very upset & depressed.
i go up, we talk, we plan & she feels better.
today i was talking to my daughter, her depression has gotten worse & it is compounded by seasonal depression. her therapist had recommended she get a lamp that has artificial sunlight.
we have one of those lamps, i had bought it for my daughter when she was away at college.
i told my daughter i would bring the lamp up to her and we could go to a movie we wanted to see.
i was not even going to spend the night. i was going to leave in the morning, catch the matinee with her and then come home....
i told my husband and mother i was planning on going to see my daughter. not asking permission. just letting them know my plans.
my mother told me i go see my daughter too much and i should limit my visits to once a month.
i didn't react.
i didn't yell like i wanted to.
i just looked at her and walked out of the room.
i wanted to yell
dont tell me what to do
unlike you, the monster mother, i care about my children
i'm not going to change just because you are here
i'm not your servant
my husband, who i no longer get along with, is enjoying my outrage and eggs my mother on when i am not home.
my relationship with him was strained and now we are like roommates.
he let his children destroy me. he did nothing to stop them.
they did their best to kill my happiness.
but that's just a long one too.
nowadays, i refuse to play their games and tell him to go see them by himself.
right now i am just so outraged.
this woman, who went years with out speaking to me.
she did not even know how many children i had until they were teenagers.
she was a horrible mean vicious drunk
who caused me nothing but pain and embarrassment
i take her into my home
& care for her
wiping shit off her butt
making her walk again
bringing her back to health
& she stands there and tells me to see my daughter once a month???
and my husband is just so deeply enjoying this i just want to bitch slap him
do i just ignore her?
nod my head and go when i want anyway?
or tell her to her face i'm not the f###ing uncaring demon bitch she was.
to this very day, i'm 58, okay? to this very day, i have nightmares about trying to find enough change for my brothers' & sister's lunches so they don't go hungry in school
oh my god.
somebody please help me
i dont deserve this
i truly dont
i was molested as a child & she didn't believe me
i was married to a man who beat me so badly i have no back teeth - he's dead
now i am married to a man who just treats me like i am old, fat & stupid.
i'm none of those.
i have 3 great kids.
they are my joy in life
and these two people feel i shoudn't spend time with them
here i am cooking & caring for them.
me, i'm disabled.
i'm in pain all the time.
i work through it.
listening to them bitch & groan all the time, making everything a pissing contest.
i go to a psychiatrist but haven't been in a couple months.
you know what his last advice was for dealing with them?
he told me to go see my daughter every chance i had for the peace & time away from them.
because my children are my joy
and these two monsters dont want me seeing my kids.