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I don't know what to think about this one. Would love opinions or experiences

sickofbs8's picture

So it is time for “Birthday” gathering with required gift amount. SD contacted all of us (me, him, my daughter) around a two hours before the event for a favor. The favor was getting grandbaby from baby daddy because she had to work late. It should be noted here that we haven't seen this child for nearly 2 months and she is 9 months old. We went at 320. Baby was strapped in a bouncy chair with a bottle. Video games clearly on and being played. Baby trying to stretch back and get out. Nothing packed. Two cats. Moved the bucket car seat to our truck. Baby had multiple visible scratch marks on the right side of her face. Clothing was seriously stained by nonbaby substances. It looked like rust spatter or paint on legs. Clothing was the wrong size. Her toes were squished. None of the clothing in the bag was appropriate size, but was cleaner. Diaper was bulging. My daughter cut the baby's fingernails. Went to meet at the restaurant. Passed babydaddy work at 458. He was just walking in to work. SD was already at restaurant. So were my in-laws. Dinner table… I sat way to the far corner. No conversation with the birthday girl or hubby during dinner. I heard remnants of the conversation. Alledgedly “lactose” intolerant. Note...she had 3 bottles in the three hours we were together. and a small amount of gerber baby food and fries.

Now, as much as I don't understand all of this above. It is more of a concern because we literally live within 3 miles of SD. We are not really allowed to see anyone because exwife doesn't like us and wants her children to hate us too. But...who cares about all that. Why on EARTH would anyone deprive a baby of what she needs if we can be of help? I don't get it. We don't see them...we presume that all of the baby needs are being met. It was incredibly sad. I am not sure what to do. I feel that since SD's mommy doesn't like me or the fact that my hubby and I are happy, that she may not allow SD to use gifts from us. I am considering mailing clothing and such to SD anonymously. I don't care who gets "credit" for the supplies just that the baby gets them. But am not sure. What do you think?

hereiam's picture

I know you want to help but I'm inclined to agree with Sally; except for holiday giving, tread very lightly. It will bite you in the ass and then some.

The parents are going to take care of her however they see fit so unless she is in danger, being abused, or starving, you will just be setting yourself up for a lifetime of enabling. You could buy all the supplies you want to, it doesn't mean the baby is going to be any cleaner or that the parents will do anything differently.

Take the money you would spend on supplies and set up a college account or something for the baby to use later in life. Do not let your SD know you are doing it, though!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I agree with hereiam - stay out of it. Nothing you do will be appreciated and can even be looked on as though you are criticizing/interfering.

sickofbs8's picture

Good advice. I am sure that I am not seeing clearly. It is very obvious that those things are not priorities. I work in a school with many underprivledged kids and just want to reach out when I see a need. It is sad because we could help this one. I don't care who gets credit. I thought about sending the package to the ex. Then no one would suspect me. No knowledge...no expectations...just every once in a while a fairy deposits cute things for what is in fact my grandbaby too. I wasn't planning to even tell my hubby. It seems like no one would ever know where it came from. And then at least I would know we did something to help. My biological daughter has one and one on the way and we are active in helping where we can. No expectations. It just is what we do as a family. I'm sure that nice guys finish last...but to me it isn't a competition.

AVR1962's picture

You are feeling compassion for this child which you well should and good for you. If there is a way you can help and be comfortable with it do so but do not get involved. By this I mean, you might have to keep your mouth shut in the face of things you see. You become involved in a situation where BM does not like you, does not want her children having anything to do with you, she is going to feel the same about grand baby too. Anything you do will be wrong and BM is going to make sure her daughter knows this, even if it is not true. You will pay the price for any involvement with this child ven if you do everything by the book and your intentions are all good.

sickofbs8's picture

My mouth is pretty well shut. My husband and I have an agreement that we can talk to each other about any of this with our children. But other than that I do not speak up. I have no contact with his ex and his children have very little contact with us. This little gift just seems right if I can pull it off. It would seem that the baby could use a few things to spruce up the wardrobe and no one needs to be the wiser as to were it came from. I would do the same if I could for any child. I don't know though. Good intentions can go wrong. I am still thinking on all of the possible future implications.

sickofbs8's picture

I agree. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I'm sorry. I knew my SDs needed parenting, but that it couldn't be from me. I am certain this is a reflection of the kind of parenting that they had. You do what you know. We have very little contact. She wanted her birthday money so she was willing to find a time that her mom had a painting party and she could "sneak" to have supper with us. She just had to hope that no one posted pics on social media...which we didn't. I am over that nonsense with the skids...but the baby is a whole other situation.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Does your DH see anything wrong with his grand daughters situation and care? If so, he should be the one sending packages for his grand daughter and addressing proper care issues of the baby with his daughter. Not you.

Back away from this hot mess. No good will come to from it. Take it from those of us that have been through and seen it all.

There is only one thing you can do if you feel the baby is in danger, etc. Make an anonymous report to CPS and be done with it Smile

godess-clueless's picture

I had this type of situation going on 17 years ago. After raising my own children to adults, I then married a man with adult girls who all had their own young children. All the sd's and sgc lived in their mother's home with the boyfriends. Their living conditions and standards for raising children were very different then mine.

I started out wanting to give these sgc the same wonderful experiences and opportunities that I had been able to give my own. Soon discovered my normal was not their normal. If living in less desireable condtions is their normal,you have to consider it may not change.
You have the right to set the standards for your own children. Your standard of whether stained clothing,condition and size of clothing, how sqeaky clean their appearance is. What is acceptable in someone elses opinion for their own may not be considered acceptable for yours. It is what they know,and how they have always lived. Eagerness to step in and help is sometimes considered overstepping by them.

Every time the sgc were picked up, first stop was the store to buy them at least a weeks worth of clothing and shoes. Then straight home for baths. Never saw the clothing once they left. Every visit was the same. Nothing was taken care of because that was their normal.

sickofbs8's picture

I know deep down that all of that is true. I know that their standards of acceptable and mine are different. Does this ever get easier? Or do you just have to give up? I'm not big on giving up. I can't overstep bounds if I haven't done anything. I don't think I can give up? Or can I? The baby is innocent.

godess-clueless's picture

Give with "no" expectations. Involve yourself in the same manner that you would if these were simply neighbors you know of from down the street. You would achknowledge them ,say "how you doing?" You would be sociable enough to be polite. On occassion you might step in to do them a requested favor or have reason to send a gift.

As neighbors you know of , you don't personally "give till it hurts" as you would for your own household. You don't expect any of the things you do to cause significant change in the way they live. How they live is their normal.

Your DH is the one who should deal with them if he feels concerned about their standards. Most likely his ex will be quick to tell him to mind his own business about her household. A reasonable gift from you would be a nice gesture, don't be surprised if DH gets the credit. He should be stepping up in the grandparent role. In my own situation that meant that I stepped back from playing the role of "pretend grandma" Time , energy and finances are limited for most people. I expect my Dh to use his own and not use up mine for his children.