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stressed out so much's picture

I can't say how this forum brings me such relief to be able to vent. I have a situation where my husband and I have been married for 5 years and my husband's adult kids did not want to have anything to do with him at the time of the divorce and frankly told him to get lost. His kids never really respected my husband because his ex constantly bullied my husband into submission so the kids knew they didn't have to listen to them (by the way the would listen to the neighbor friend more than to their own father) His ex-wife filed for divorce and between her and a neighbor friend both told my husband off and basically told him he was a good for nothing and cursed his future and told him he would amount to nothing and would be miserable the rest of his life right before his ex threw him out. My husband desperately tried to talk to his kids after the divorce and to no avail. My husband's ex made considerably more money than he did and therefore decided she didn't want or need him anymore and began to buy the kids all they needed including brand new computers and everything their little hearts desired. Needless to say the loyalty of the kids were with the money and the mother. Well here we are 5 years later and now the adult daughters have decided they want to see their father but let me add that they have had a huge fight with their mother and in my opinion they are playing the control and manipulation card with their mother and using their father to accomplish this. Meanwhile, me and my husband have been very happy and my husband does not want to see them because none of it seems genuine or sincere. He just frankly does not trust them. I know it may sound callous that my husband doesn't want to see them but I assure he really is a wonderful man. Well as far as how I feel I know I shouldn't feel this way but I don't want them in our lives either. I sometimes feel so bad for feeling this way but I just don't want them to separate how we have now established our lives and love and respect each other. HELP!!! I don't know what to do! Thanks for those of you who UNDERSTAND it makes me feel that I'm not alone in my frustrations. Your input is appreciated.

arjuna79's picture

I have been through a similar situation, married for 7 years with 5 adult sk's. Last March the youngest sd decided to invite herself for spring break in FL, even though it didn't work for us financially or logistically. What I found is that the strength of our relationship helped my H find a clear space for dealing with the tribal projections and assumptions, and helped him navigate without playing the old submissive games. I would offer that the strength of your relationship and your support is bigger than the drama that the sd's are focused on. Perhaps any encounter can occur in a neutral location, for a specified amount of time. They may want to reconnect but you are entitled to set the structure of the time and place. Give yourselves enough "decompress" time to process the events and confirm the healthy teamwork you have together. It may be messy, and certainly imperfect, but with a solid agreement going into it, you can come out together. Good luck!

stressed out so much's picture

Smile Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel better knowing I am not alone in this and I really want to protect my husband from any further manipulation and he wants to protect me from any hurt that he says he knows they are capable of.

stressed out so much's picture

Smile Thank you for your input. My husband doesn't want to see them because he knows they are not used to working and taking care of themselves because their mother would buy them everything so they would not need their dad and to keep full control and dependance on her, my husband thinks that they have asked for something the ex doesn't want or probably can't afford and they are throwing a tantrum because of it and they see him as his scape goat. They have not sought him out until this "disagreement" between his ex and his daughters.

oneoffour's picture

Ugh! They sound horrible.
There are probably a couple of motivations in this for them.

1) They have realised how manipulative their mother is and how belittling and controlling and how they were horrible to your DH. Now they want to have some kind of relationshp with him. They may have kids of their own and their partners/spouses have demonstrated that their mother is so very wrong.

2) They have found out their father is happy and wants to drag him down to their mother'sd level and start the cycle again.

So what to do? Your DH should contact them and tell them that they are almost strangers to him as they cut themselves from his life for a very long time. Being a father is more than a sperm donor and there is really no relationship at this stage to maintain. And basically he can ask them what they want at this late stage.

At least, if nothing else, he will know what the motivation is behind their wanting to contact him.

If they want to be part of your lives I would take things very slowly. Maybe cards for birthdays and Christmas for a while. Hand-written letters. This will tell you if they really want to have a good relationship or bad.

A poster from another website had his kids alienated from him for 10 yrs due to his ex wifes manipulations and exaggerations and lies. He welcomed them back but not without making it clear they were not the primary focus in his life. His wife was. And they made all decisions together. He even ended up getting custody of his youngest daughter who ended up living with her older sister.

My OSS ignores his father. It drives me nuts. But I have my line in the sand and I will protect DH until the end from selfish kids... his AND mine.

stressed out so much's picture

Smile Your comments are a big help to me as well. Neither of the stepdaughters are married or have children. Now the thing is they have never wanted anything to do with anyone of husbands family including my mother in law and have stayed away from her and when they have run into her in the past they dismiss her or any one of his family members. Now guess what :? they have run to my mother in law for help and now MIL has called my husband every name in the book for not wanting to see his daughters. (The ex and my mother in law hated each other) The step daughters also know this for years and I think it is all too weird for them to run to them so they can make my husband talk to them. Now my sisters in law and their husbands have sent nasty emails to my husband telling him he is going to hell for being this way. :O I think my husband is being treated unfairly. They are causing so much drama and division I can't see straight! My's husband ex's sisters don't even talk to her! When my husband was going through the divorce he went to the ex's sisters to say how if they ever needed anything he would be there for them. The ex's sisters responded kindly and told him that they blamed their sister for this and he was better off. Wow! Even the ex's sisters were on my husband's side. I'm like you in that I want to protect my husband from the horrible past happening all over again and all I know to do is respect his wishes and give him time. I just can't stand that step daughters know how this is going to upset the ex when she finds out they want to contact my husband and the ex in turn lashes out at my husband. My husband wants to protect me and I want to protect him and I am not going to allow any more disrespect from any of them.

violetforest's picture

With Bm controlling how ss 13 is raised and what ideas go into his head I am sure that this is where we are headed. I wish it were different but as we all know kids have a mind of their own and they also will have to deal with the choices that they make.

stressed out so much's picture

Smile I agree that these ss kids have a mind of their own and choices they have to live with. We need to find the strength to not allow anyone to disrespect us in the process.

greenskye84's picture

I am so happy I found somewhere to vent!! I really thought I was the only one to feel this way! Ive been with my fiance for almost 4 years. Im 27 and have no kids, never been married. DH has been divorced twice and has 4 kids. God help me! I never really knew what I was getting myself into :jawdrop: !!! I just cannot help the way I feel any longer. His 2 daughters (8 and 5)spend the most time with us. The 8 yr old is well behaved and sweet. The 5 year old on the other hand is rude, annoying, and ungrateful. Their mother spoils them rotten. Every single time they come over wearing new shoes, clothes, earrings, etc... DH pays 500 a month in child support. MEANWHILE, we are going to a food pantry because we cant afford food after CS and bills. It makes me sick that she blows all of the CS on tanning and shopping! Ugh!! I hate her so much!! If I buy them something special, they dont even notice. They are so used to getting everything they want that they dont even appreciate anything anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. I wish I never met him sometimes. Why cant I be with someone who doesnt have all this baggage running around?! Yes, I said baggage!! Ive heard it only gets worse as they get older.. Wish me luck, Im gonna need it!!! :sick: !!!!

novemberm's picture

I am sorry, it does get worse. Been with my boyfriend almost 2 years. He has 3 young adult children who are horrible. They only see him as money, there is no love or compassion. Has always been that way. He is still paying CS for the 18 year old bc he failed a year of school. The ex has never worked, and blows the money on cigarettes and her gambling. They only eat bc the ex's mother supports them all-almost 70 and the only one who works a full time job in the house (except my bf's daughter, who only works part time and refuses to pay board).

As your Skids get older, they will want more and more. In my case, my bf could not keep up with their demands and they just turned even more nasty than they had been. Whatever he gives them, is never, and will never be enough. Now, they just make him feel guilty, but he is catching on to their manipulating ways.

If your fiance does not start setting limits and boundaries NOW, the kids will get worse. I wish you a lot of luck!

novemberm's picture

I really feel for you. My boyfriend's young adult children are only in his life when they want something. Right now, we have gone for 2 blessed weeks without a text or email demanding something. When they want something, they will text a million times or send tons of emails. His daughter had been coming by without calling, but that has stopped for now. If they don't want something, they do not have any contact. It is sad.

I think your DH has every right to have no contact with them, but if he decides to see them afterall, he needs to be very careful and make it minimal at first. He should NOT trust them, and I am glad he does not. I am sure they are ready to manipulate him, and he has to be prepared for that.

It sounds like he is very aware of what may happen, and as long as he supports you, you two should be fine. You just cannot let them walk into your lives and try to destroy what you have. Believe me, that could very well happen, if your DH does not stand his ground from the beginning.