I can't stand my 19 year old stepson
My 19 year old SS is driving me nuts. I've been in his life for 12 years. He was a troubled child. He was always getting calls from school and terrorizing people. Being alone with him was like being with 3 kids at the same time. He didn't get attention and his BF was in and out of the picture due to drugs and alcohol. I thought he just needed love and affection. I gave him whatever I had.
Over these years, he has lied to me repeatedly, stolen from me and manipulated our relationship. I've talked to my wife....a lot about it. She knows what he does and seems to care, then later, excuses the lies because she's a liar and so is his dad. I grew up in a family with issues. Lying goes along with pedophiles, criminals and incest based on experience. Therapy is making me see things differently.
My SS and I are both musicians and I thought it would be something that would keep us bonded but it isn't happening. He refuses to share space with me in my studio unless I'm recording him. Now that he records himself, I just feel like a free ride for studio time. My son has no job, is still trying to get his diploma, doesn't help around the house and acts like a know it all. I have admittedly backed off. Whenever we get real, which I tend to do, he lies or gets an attitude. He's lost every job he's ever had because of his terrible attitude and inability to be a team player. I'm tired.
During this pandemic my wife had the bright idea of buying weed for him so that he could "consentrate on school." STUPID. We are weed smokers but I don't want to smoke with my son. When he's grown with his own bills to pay we can light up a spliff but I feel like he'll never leave if we were like that. And I just don't want to do that. She also covers for his lies or misdeeds. She didn't tell me he got fired or that he's missed class last week. I just overhear their conversations.
I grew up as a SS and felt unloved and left out. I feel the same way now. My wife treats me like I grew up with a silver spoon because I grew up with more than her. They both gang up on me and take advantage of whatever I have. Now I feel outnumbered. Therapy has made me realize how unhappy I am in this unchanging situation. She says he's set to move out in a year but I call bs. Now, I just want to run away and wonder how I ended up living with these people. I see my wife differently because of her choice to be his friend and coddle this giant baby. I don't even like him. He only talks to me when he wants to use my studio space and digs at me about my music decisions while he has done nothing without me. He's a jerk.
Meanwhile, my wife couldn't be happier with her lying, depending on his girlfriend to buy food for him, no job having loser son. His dad is the same way. It's sad. I just want a new life. I have no other children and have never been married before this. Everyday, I feel like I made a mistake. Wyt?
You had a difficult childhood
You had a difficult childhood, and therapy has helped you grow emotionally. These people no longer suit you because you've resolved the issues that drew you to them in the first place.
I'm not one to typically say to RUN, but honestly, this relationship has run its course, and it's time for you to move on. It seems unlikely your wife can/will grow emotionally herself, as she's still rescuing and enabling her son. You will most likely just get increasingly unhappy in this marriage.
Now, 12 years is a long time and it would be fair to ask your wife to go to marriage counseling before you throw in the towel.
I talked to her about
I talked to her about counseling and she said ok but didn't talk to her therapist about possible optins. Now, it's up to me to talk to mine and I will. This is the last resort and I think she's hoping my feelings about this blows over but it won't. I've got one foot out the door already.
What keeps you there? You
What keeps you there? You always have the option of leaving. How do you picture your life in 5 years time if you stay? Now, picture how your life could be in 5 years time if you decided to build a new life ...
There is no reason for you to continue to suffer this intolerable, abject misery that is currently your life. Time to start planning for your future...
Your stepson
Sounds a lot like my SS20. I got no advice for you, step parenting is hard! But sounds like your wife is a huge part of the problem! What steps are happening for him to move out?
So what is keeping you there?
So what is keeping you there? You don't like your wife and you don't like your SS...it appears your have outgrown them. I wonder if you are just staying because it's easier and comfortable.
I thought things would change
I thought things would change if we talked about it but that didn't work. We moved to a new state and that's when the realization really set in. I was avoiding the truth. I think I just didn't see how little I've been getting in return. I see it now, though.
You're tried. You've tried to
You've tried. You've tried to bond with the manchild, and all he does is use you. You've tried to give him and your wife a better life, but they're not having it. They're mired n their own dysfunction and apparently like it that way.
It might be hard to give up on this, but at some point you have to realize that you can't fix them. But you can save yourself. You've dealt with hardship and dysfunction most of your life and you must have worked very hard in therapy to come out the other side. I fear that if you give up now and stay with these two people you'll lose the man you've worked so hard to uncover.
Make a plan for yourself. You deserve to be happy.
This is not a good situation, as you know. You have realized
that not only is SS a weed smoking liar with zero ambition and a lousy attitude, but your wife has allowed him to behave as such, and buying his weed is just more incentive for him to STAY. I mean why get a job, or do anything if mommy is going to be his drug supplier, coddler and come to his defense in every situation.
Your wife is married emotionally to her son. She's the creator of this entire mess.
I'm guessing you are in your 40's maybe, and have a lot of life left to live, so what are you waiting for?
I would take her up on her offer to leave in a year, however, I would rapidly accellerate the process. The sooner you get her and her lazy man-child out of your life, the happier you all will be.
The fact that you have no biological children of your own is a HUGE PLUS for the new lady who is waiting to come into your life. You are a prize waiting to be won. So many women would love to have a man in their life without KIDS! There are many of us who wish we had never married men with kids. How much simpler and pleasant life would be.
Your ID implies you already know your answer and what needs to be done, it's time to execute the steps to bring you to that new life/wife(?)
If thing are worse
and not better after you giving them all you had for 12 years, I don't see this situation getting any better for you. I agree with others that you've outgrown this family and deserve better than what they can give you. It does sound like you have a lot to offer people you care about and I hope you can untangle your current situation and find a partner/family that gives you something in return. The rest of your life is ahead, it can be better!
Why?
Because you did make a mistake. Everyday you tolerate their crap instead of rekeying the locks and putting them both on the curb you continue to make that same mistake.
I love it when people try to give the well raised kids of successful families shit for that experience when compared to the ill raised by less successful parents. This is mind boggling to me. My parents are successful people with a successful marriage (58+ years and counting) and busted their butts to provide well for their family. My DW's parents are (were in the case of my deceased FIL) serially bankrupt, serially foreclosed, serially repossessed, immature instant gratification driven people. I do not give my DW shit about that. I celebrate her personal accomplishments. She would never give me any shit about how I was raised.
Time to grow some testicular fortitude and put your foot up their collective ass. Cut SS off from YOUR studio. Cold turkey, put a lock on the door and lock him out, when either of them try to give you shit about your "privileged" upbringing, highlight their shitty upbringings and point out how DW is repeating the shitty parenting she suffered with her toxic abject failure of a failed family pelvic sputum.
Get on with your life and put them both on the curb. See how the "musician" SS-19 likes being a musician without access to a free studio and free consulting services. To highlight his uselessness, give him a spreadsheet showing him how much free services he had received from you. Hand it to him as he exits your home that has freshly rekeyed locks. Tell him when he hands you cash for your past services he can return on a scheduled basis with cash in hand for future services.
If mommy says a word, point her ass to the door as well.
smh
Make better decisions for you. Take care of you. Move on, be happy.
I get it. I'm not wild about
I get it. I'm not wild about my SS these days, and I am frustrated with his parents (my husband and his ex) for not holding him more accountable. In my opinion, they were both so desperately afraid of him choosing the other parent over them after the divorce, neither set limits with him. The school systems are so unbelievably terrible, SS managed to graduate with honors, though he barely showed up to school. Since graduation he has been working at his local McDonalds, and not saving any money as far as I can tell. He is visiting us this week with his boyfriend and spends no time with us - literally not "up" from bed until 2pm, then they head out to "hang" with friends until 2 or 3 am. His father and I made it crystal clear we won't allow drugs, including pot, at the house, so I imagine they are out smoking pot with his buddies. I'm glad he still has friends here (he moved to a small island with his mother at the end of his junior year in HS) but I worry so much about him. He does not give a darn about himself or others. He is quick to tell us what he wants for his birthday or Christmas, but his father had to pressure him to reach out to me when my mother died a few weeks ago. He sent me a text. Since he's been here, he hasn't asked me once how I am doing. He thinks only of himself, and does only what he wants. He expects lots from us, which we gladly share. But he doesn't treat us like we matter and it breaks my heart. My husband is too conflict-averse to call him on any of this, but I know it hurts him, too. And now I have asked him to come out to his grandparents, but I know he doesn't want to have that conversation so he will just avoid them like the plague so he doesn't have to speak with them. Never mind that his mother outted him on Facebook, and she is friends with my mother in law. UGH!!! There is so much I would do differently, but I am the STEPMOM. I can't cross that line, and I can't undo what's been done. It is a thankless and frustrating place to be. Mostly I am desperately worried that he has not learned cruicial skills to be a successful adult - budgeting, worth ethic, responsibility, commitment - and I know it will be next to impossible for my husband not to step in and "save" him when he gets kicked out of the house by his stepfather and announces he is moving back in with us. I guess that is when the real fun begins. Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent. I just wanted Newlife 2020 to know he isn't alone.