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I belive I'm may be making a terrible mistake.

soon2bn's picture

Hello, new here. Having an issue with soon to be wife's kids. they are grown mind you. And haven't really been rude to me, however I did take offense to something said at breakfast, but held my tongue. Anyway, they are the ones that are on vacation NOT me. (and this is my first time meeting them). I work for a living, their mother is on disability and a fixed income, Anyway; I feel like a left over, a third wheel and least important. During their visit there have been a number of issues for me mostly. For instance, I was to meet them at the beach to tour the fort. The daughter didn't want to go see it because it’s too hot!! And she doesn't do heat. (Hello its summer in Florida! It Gets Hot!) They are from the north. Anyway I thought we were going to end back where my truck was with all my gear to swim. NOPE we ended up on the other end of the beach away from where I had parked and where we had agreed on to meet back at. Did that happen, NO! They all went swimming, left me on shore with the mother in the wheelchair. Talk about being hot!

I did say something to her, but it just didn't even phase her, just "oh sorry, but there on vacation, and I don’t know when they will be back this way". But when her washing machine broke, I'm golden. Should have known from the start when I got to the house, it was like why don't you take the boys out and do something with them!! I don't know these people, nor was I prepared to spend gobs of money on people that may or may not like me and I'm sure as hell not responsible for entertaining them! Or am I? (Tell if I'm supposed to do so). They were here to spend time with her, not me. This daughter seems to just walk all over her mother, I don't know if it’s because they saw their dad treat her like shit, and think that's the way she's to be treated, or its cause it’s her first grandchild, and she's just being stupid I just don't know. So rather than try to include myself in their outings I would just not go with them.

She (girlfriend) turns into a completely different person while they were here. (she also does the same thing when it just me and her boys, except she’s way more angry when they are around and she can’t get to me, so I’m like WTF). She acts way more lively, and stuff, but complains to me about them after they have gone! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!! They’ve run the car out of gas, she over spent her budget for food, bills and such to show them a good time. And they’ve completely taken over her house. And now since they’ve gone she says she needs help with bills!!! EXCUSE ME???!!!! I thought I was the one that told her in the beginning to watch her budget. (Me I'm more of stick in the mud I guess, I don't really just go with the flow) again this is not how I was raised. If you say you’re going someplace, or going to do something, then that's what you do! I don't mind being impulsive but I don't believe in the live for the moment bullshit either. Don't get me wrong, I like to party and play just as much as the next guy, but I still have to be responsible. My home is MY home, and is not to be disrespected torn apart or abused in any manner. Again am I wrong?

Anyway; I was invited to breakfast and to go to a museum as a family because I had told her I wanted to have a nice big family outing. Well that didn't happen. They wasted the day away because her daughter couldn't get her ring off her finger, something that should have been addressed the night before when it started to swell up and turn colors right?! I only have weekends off mind you. So I spent over half the day doing nothing and was told well take the boys on to the museum, and we will meet you there". Fine we get ready to go, and then she calls and says they aren't coming; they wanna go shopping after they got the ring cut off. I mean is this how you do someone, in a relationship! Dump your kids (son in law and 2yr old toddler) off on your boyfriend?!! And expect him to take care of and entertain?

Needless to say I said No! (we are not married, just dating and we don't live together, cause I want to be respectful of her mother, like I was taught. Whom is disabled that lives with her and fully dependent on her!) I politely said goodbye and left. I went fishing with my brother. I enjoyed the calm of evening and was very content. (Now mind you i come from a huge family as is. 4 boys, 4 girls, so I know how family acts sometimes. And she's yet to meet any of my family, as we are only dating at this point even though I have considered asking her for her hand. But after this I just don't know. I feel a bit overwhelmed and a bit put off by their behavior and such. Am I being overly picky, a selfish brat? Can you guys please weigh in on this? Also I’ve not seen her for over a week now, and didn’t make plans with them for the 4th So I will just spend it with my family and friends. Again am I being an ass about this?

amber3902's picture

No, you are not being selfish or a brat. You are not responsible for taking care of people you have just met and you are not not responsible for entertaining them either. Heck, they're ADULTS, they don't NEED to be taken care of anyway.

Your GF sounds like a leech. First she expects you to take care of her kids, ADULT kids, mind you, and now she's asking you to pay her bills even though ya'll don't even live together.

It sounds like your GF and her whole family are one big, irresponsible mess that you should just stay away from.

JingerVZ's picture

Nope, you are not being an ass. Trust how you feel. How often does she see her kids? If often, move on, if not maybe stick around. I doubt that she will change her boundaries with her kids- years of learned behavior isn't changed overnight... She may ask you to accept the kids as they are. Can you do this? Only you can answer.

The nice thing about OTHER families is that like our friends, we can pick em... If you don't like this lot, don't pick them. It is worrying that she lets them abuse her financial means. This is stupid and irresponsible on her part. Its a huge red flag!! Who says this is the only time it happened? She could be shelling out money and you will need to bail her out.

Think about whether she is worth it for you as a partner- annoying family and all coz they are not going away... They are her kids.
It's telling that your title is your belief that you are making a mistake... Think about this. Why do you think so. Subconcious trying to tell you something. Good luck!!

frustratedstepdad's picture

"Anyway; I feel like a left over, a third wheel and least important"

I think this is the way most of us feel being a step-parent. It will always be that way too until you start putting your foot down. No you are not being an ass at all.

frustratedstepdad's picture

^^^Yep. Go buy a nice pair of shoes and run for the hills. Do not look back.

soon2bn's picture

Thanks guys, I guess I just needed to hear it from someone Else's pov. Should I talk to her about this? Or should I just leave it alone? Or do I just wait til it happens again like keepitsimple said.

I mean I've invested 3yrs time(dating,14yrs knowing) with this woman and her youngest son that's 8yr. Even her eldest son whom I pushed to get his GED, and he did just that, and calls me dad! as does the 8yr old. If its just the 4 of us, its a very respectful family, that anyone would what to be part of. But when its the oldest daughter, its on like donkey kong. Any other time she's perfectly fine and normal acting respectful.. I've talked to her mom, and even she says she hasn't a clue. But from what I've seen its the way she(the girlfriend) allowed her kids to be when she was raising them. I'm not trying to make excuses here for her actions, but I mean this has really bothered me!

They do not visit often either. There are a LOT of issues with her and the kids and the ex. Anyway; I guess I'm seeing the future and not too sure I like it, but I'm in love with her. And I would have to accept them all, as I've already done. But that's not the normal person I was dating.. Everyone here has made a very vallied point. Trust me I'm listening to what you all have to say. And thank you.

I'll post again later after we talk,and I hope to see where we stand.

Shaman29's picture

Step-parenting is not for the feint of heart.

It sounds like you and your fiance need to put some boundaries in place when the adult skids visit.

If you want to work things out, I would postpone the wedding until you both feel you can agree on a strategy to deal with the adult skids.

Don't wait until after marriage, as things will not get better, but will in fact get worse. Fix them now before marriage. If they cannot be resolved, then you will have a choice to make as to whether or not this person is the right one for you.

Love is a great thing but it doesn't fix communication problems.

herewegoagain's picture

Run. Run. Run. You sound like a considerate man and believe me, there are plenty of women out there willing to be fair. Run as fast as you can.

hippiegirl's picture

No your're not being an ass. Welcome to being with someone with lots and lots baggage. Sad
Don't say the I do's yet.

soon2bn's picture

Well I thought I would chime in and let everyone know how the 4th went. I told my Girlfriend, that I wasn't going to spend it with her. And I told her, exactly how she made me feel, and that if this relationship was to survive there were going to be some rules and and some major behavioral changes on her part. And that she needed to be the adult, grow a spine, and STOP letting her kids stomp all over her! I wasn't raised like that nor should I or anyone else be subjected to the treatment I got. I also told her that this indecent has caused me to seriously rethink this whole relationship! Yes I knew you had kids, yes I knew they were grown NO I didn't expect them to act like a bunch of none cooth, self centered, demanding bunch, bent on causing kayos and disharmony! But I think the part that hurt her the most was "You're damn lucky to have me! someone that cares enough to want to take on your baggage,and be an equal partner in this messed up shit of yours" I said all of that and a bit more in front of her mother. I told them to have a good 4th and walked out, got in my (fancy truck as they call it) and drove away.

My 4th went very well. spent it with my family and friends and went to beach hit the water park and ended with entire family going to movie, it was a blast. And you know what I don't feel guilty at all!!!! She's called me at least 22x. And her mother called apologized in voice mail.(i have no beef with her mother). Just her daughter's actions and behavior. I've not spoken to her other than to tell her, she was on restrictions from me until this mess got straightened out. Yes I actually told her that, I also told her maybe that was something she should have done when raising that bunch. (more crying from her). I will keep you all informed.

Thanks for the help, and words of encouragement guys.

27YearStepDad's picture

You took the hardest step of all. You told them what you thought and walked out. I wish I had done that 27 years ago. My wife and myself would have had a wonderful past 27 years had it not been for four step kids.
It may be in your best interest to move on now that you did the hard part and find someone you will be more compatible with.