I am so done!
}:)
Vent: So I met Hubby when 2 SS's were 6 and 8. they were Monsters, but I thought it was just their reaction to a bad break up so I gave it time. We had them 3/4 of the time while BM explored her freedom and at 10 and 12 she handed them to us, or should I say me, to raise and I did it. Junior high, Teen aged angst, High School,prom, graduation, College, Car loans, Grad school... Then they get engaged and who decides to come be Mom of the year again? Yep BM back with a vengeance! Doesn't pay a dime for either wedding but tells me where I MAY sit at the church. Where is Hubby? Hiding in the shadows and telling me to just let it go. So I did. Now Grand baby arrives and what happens, you guessed it I am dismissed and if I want baby time I can schedule it!! Done. Going back to being the wife of Dad and putting all my efforts into my own son, who just shakes his head at their behavior. So anyone out there who thinks blood isn't thicker than water , Brace yourself because not matter how much Love and effort you put into HER kids, and no matter how bad she treats them, she'll always be MOM.
Yours is a very sad story to
Yours is a very sad story to me. Fortunately my SP story is a bit different. I met my bride when SS-22 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo.
His mom and I partnered to raise him with behavioral expectations and to protect him from the toxic manipulations of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
Sure, we dealt with the periodic attempts by the toxic toothless morons in the Sperm Clan to manipulate and exploit but when the CO was done and SS launched to be self supporting and successful in his own right the Sperm Clan hammered in the final nails in their own coffins as far as SS is concerned. When Sperm GrandHag started pressuring SS to start sending money to Sperm Land to help support his 3 younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two more baby mamas my Skid wrote off the elders in the Sperm Clan in mass.
He called during the peak of the money extortion attempts to thank me for being his dad and preparing him to understand that people should be valued by their performance and not just because they share your gene pool.
That's my boy!!!!
I'm proud of you!!!
I'm proud of you!!!
Not to be rude at all, but
Not to be rude at all, but being a stepdad is way easier than being a stepmom. Don't misunderstand me, it's not easy, but easier. The expectations on a stepdad are fewer. The role of mother, step or bio, is very different than a dad's. I'm glad you got the recognition that you deserve from your SS. I wish we could all say the same.
The mom and dad parenting
The mom and dad parenting roles are different. I can't comment on the difficulties of being a bio dad or a bio or step mom. My experience is as a SDad to a toddler, husband to a teen mom, and progressing from there for the past 20 years.
I think that whatever role we are in as individuals we can absolutely set and enforce how we will be treated. If our partner does not accept it then we either force the behavior we want or we end the relationship. With how we will be treated by a Skid or BK IMHO the partner has no choice. They either get on the band wagon or they STFU. How the kids treat our partner is partially up to the partner. I believe that both partners have responsibility to set the expectation of how their spouse will be treated by children in the household.
My dad let my brothers and I know with absolute clarity how his wife would be treated by his sons. That she was our mother was secondary to her being dad's wife. Mom had the same expectations on how we would behave with her husband which was primary to him being our dad.
I won the parent lottery and I definitely won the bride lottery (the second time I played). For the most part she and I have been at least on the same chapter in the book of our life together. Not necessarily the same page but definitely the same chapter. We raised SS together as the equity life partners that we are which made me an equity parent to the Skid.
I know of no other way to successfully do it other than as equity partners with established and enforced behavioral boundaries for everyone in the picture.
Definitely the case of my SD.
Definitely the case of my SD. The line from "Gone with the Wind" comes to me often. Rhett takes Bonnie, he and Scarlett's daughter, away on a fancy trip to spoil her and dote on her because he loves her so. In the midst of their trip, all Bonnie wants is her mother. He returns and tells Scarlett, something to the effect of, even a bad mother is better than no mother. There is a strong pull with a mother and even the shitty bio mom's half-ass attention trumps a genuine, sincere love of a stepmom. Not fair but the way it is.
Bad news: You were always
Bad news: You were always just Dad's wife unless otherwise needed.
Look, kids didn't ask to be brought into the world and when children things were done to prepare them for the real world. You were just one of the teachers along the way.
OMG..what a slap in the face.
OMG..what a slap in the face. And how awful for your husband to just brush it off. I hope you find some comfort in knowing how much you've done for them. You're a saint!
Yes, I totally know what you
Yes, I totally know what you are saying. When I met husband he had full custody of his two sons (5 & 7). He had been divorced for 3 years, bio mom had gone off to start her new life and made no contact til she was remarried and had another baby which was almost 2 years after the divorce. When husband and I met she had one visit with the boys. She lived several states away and did not make any kind of regular contact. The boys both had behavioral issues and I thought, like you, it was being left with sitters, having been thru the divorce and not having their emotional needs met. husband was 29 and still pretty much trying to live a single man's life and dragging his kids along thru it all and I don't think it was good for them.
I thought I could help and actually the boys liked me and my girls until we told them we were getting married. Husband and I had been dating almost a year before bio mom ever knew. She then wanted me to become an informant and was trying to get info about husband as she wanted to try for custody once she knew someone else was in the picture. It wasn't good. She started telling the boys lies about me and their dad, she didn't even know me. she told the boys that they did not have to listen to me or play with my daughters. Bio mom would call and tell the older boy to tell his dad that he wanted to live with her. He would come off the phone crying.
I tried to talk to her, told her that the boys were hurting and what would be best for them was for us all to get along for their sake and try to support each other. Her mind was made up that she was going to turn her sons against me as she wanted them to love no one but her. It was really sad but she was very successful. She undermined things I said or did. She would tell the boys that I shouldn't have done this or that. I was the one raising them. husband was working and gone out of town so I had to be the one to make the decisions and here she was making sure the boys knew everything I did was wrong.
It was me taking them for their weekly allergy shots, me taking the pics for all the big events, me planning their birthdays, me wrapping their Christmas presents, me cleaning up after them and teaching them to drive. It was me getting to know their girlfriends, it was me teaching them right from wrong, encouraging sports and music, supporting their class choices and helping with homework, attending their games, giving them allowance, making sure their hair was cut and they had nice clothes to wear. She had no input like this, she did not fill the role as mom. She was hateful and ugly, very selfish, an angry person. She paid nothing for support and the times that she had them for summer visits she would have her husband drive down and pick them up. At the end of the summer I would ask them if they got to spend any time with their mom and the answer was always, "she was with her friends," or"she was busy taking care of ______ (one of their half sisters)."
As teenagers who did not want to be told what to do by their monster stepmom (me) things got real rough. Conflicts with teens are not always easy but this was bad. I saw the anger and the hatred from the boys even though we did maintain the family and home. Once out on their own they ran to mommy to make a relationship with the woman that had abandoned them and I now am at fault for everything wrong in their lives. They are now 30 and 32, husband and I have been together 25 years and they want nothing to do with us, me especially. I have had had any contact in years.
I am at peace with my part. I know I gave them my best. Several years ago the older boys told his dad (my husband) that he did not protect them from me. You see I was supposed to be the sitter and I was not to treat them like my own, I was to put them on a pedestal and treat them better than my own. Of course they will not be able to see their mother objectively or be able to see what we dealt with. One of them is not married even yet and the one boy that is married has one small child. Neither boy will understand what it is like to be a mom and the role that entails. My counselor told me I was the target for their blame. They could not come to terms of their parent's divorce and so I had to be blamed.
Did I do everything right? No! Was I invested? Yes! Did I discipline them out of hatred? No! I put up with alot of hurtful remarks from them or things they would say to other family members. I thought it would all pass one day. It was not the case. Now I see it more of I was the foster parent that took care of them when they needed someone to care for them. Now that they are grown adults they have to figure out their own lives. I have completely detached myself, my job is done.
Catlettuce, I spent a good
Catlettuce, I spent a good deal of time in counseling dealing with all that I went thru with my SSs and the bio mom with the cat claws that abandoned her sons when they were 2 & 4, and what I gained from the counseling is understanding that the boys sought their mother out to have the relationship with her that they never had but had always wanted and I cannot blame them for that. Because she left them once they knew she could easily do this again. Each so much wanted her love and acceptance that neither could disappoint her and I feel that is why they have been able to support her lies and terrible behavior. It is very possible they make never see what we endured and what we dealt with. They have their blamed figured out and I think I will remain that target unless they one day come to terms with their parents' divorce and try to see me in the true light for the role I played in their lives. It's really sort of a denial process.
AVR, This is such a sad
AVR, This is such a sad story! I would love to tell you that one day they will remember and appreciate the woman who was the closest thing to a mother they ever had but we both know this may not happen.
As for your feeling of all of your hard work being for naught, I felt the same way for years after failing to make a connection with two older adopted half-sisters, who I later found were so damaged that the odds of me changing anything were remote. Their problems started when they were abandoned by their BM at birth, then paced in foster home after foster home. I got most of the blame for everything. I am guessing that you might have experienced this somewhat for yourself.
What truly healed me of self-blame and failure was to work at a high school where there was a 'behavior room'. 95% of the kids in there were foster children who had been abandoned by their parents at a young age. I saw for myself that in most cases there was too much pain for a person with my limited 'tools' to truly help.
In my opinion, it might have been better for your SSs if BM had disappeared forever because what she did was to abandon them over and over again every two weeks. To relieve and divert her guilt, BM succeeded in creating a group of people who are bound by hate, something that can take on a life of itself. There is though, a light for you. By removing yourself from their lives, they will no longer have someone to transfer the anger they have toward BM. She trained them to hate rather than love, so who do you think they will be focusing on when you are a distant memory? They will have to ask themselves some tough questions about BM.
Sandye21, it is so
Sandye21, it is so unfortunate what parents will do (or not do) to their children. Children pay the price for their parents' actions and in this case my SSs paid dearly for their mother's selfish behavior. You are right she taught them hate instead of love.
I too had been married previously and had 2 daughters that I had full custody of. My first husband had been involved in an affair that ended our marriage. They split up but he went on to marry another lady. I never said a word bad about her, I did befriend her and we got along fine. She and I could talk and I supported her disciplining my children if she needed. If the kids said anything to me about her I would help them understand why she did what she did. I allowed my children to love her. I told my kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads. My girls are now 28 and 33, their dad and stepmom have since divorced but they are still in contact with her and they consider her the grandmother also to their children.
In counseling dealing with the issues with my SSs the counselor said almost exactly what you said in your reply. I would always be blamed by my stepsons, I was a target. had it been bio mom who did and said the same things I did to raise there there would be no question and they would not have the hard feelings towards their mother that they have for me. When you tell your child that stepmom should not be doing this or saying that and your dad did not protect you from the stepmom, it sets up blame and anger and that is exactly what happened. The boys feel justified as it came from their own mother's mouth and therefore it is.
I no longer feel guilty, I understand what happened and understand I cannot have a relationship with them. I did try for awhile but I see why it is not possible. I have not had contact with the oldest boy for probably 9 years and I have not had contact with the younger boy for close to 4 years. I am fine with that too.
I think what I had to
I think what I had to overcome was the feeling of failure and what might have been if only I had done something different. It took many years to realize that despite the lack of knowledge and experience I had in dealing with abandoned children, there was nothing I could have done. I am basically a good person with good intentions. I did the best I could do. Many relationships don't work out even when we place so much importance on them. On the other hand, there were many positive lessons learned from it.
Like you, I never put down my ex or his new wife. Actually, I liked her better than him. LOL
I certainly do understand
I certainly do understand that.