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I am not invited to SD's wedding - advice please!

Squeegie's picture

Hii, I am new here - this is my first post. My dilemma is similar to the post below about not being invited to a family vacation. In my case I am not invited to my SD's wedding. My husband (we got married recently btw) doesn't know what to do. Some days he says that, if I want, he will give his daughter an ultimatum and say if I don't go he won't go but I really don't believe that he would do that. But part of me doesnt want to go anyway - there is no doubt I will be disrespected and treated poorly and my DH will sit idly by and do nothing and continue to expect me to do the same. On the other hand, Im tired of seeing this manipulative 29 yo brat continue to have my husbands balls on a chain. I'd like to see him take a stand. Are we a couple? Am I his wife or not?? Backstory: I have been with DH and on for 10 years and she has done everything she can to break us up. She hated me (the sight of me) apparently the minute she laid eyes on me. She thought I was her age. We have never even had a conversation btw! She refuses to engage other than walk in a room and spew hatred and verbal abuse because I didn't hear her say hi. DH has seen it but does nothing. She is the most hostile, Verbally abusive and volatile, unstable person ive ever met. She even tried to physically attack me one time and threatened to kill me over a coffee and lunged at me to assault me but was held back. . Im truly scared of her and so are my children from the way she treated them. DH has done nothing saying he doesn't want to get in the middle. For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her. He just continues to let me be disrespected and frankly part of me is not sure I can continue in the marriage this way. Btw she refused to come to our wedding which in the end was fine by me but at least I had the class to extend the invitation to her. My husband's take on all of this is that shes jealous of me. Shes younger but i'm better looking and more successful. Its like she sees me as a competitor. Anyway I'm confused about how I feel and the stand I take if at all. Advice pls.

Squeegie's picture

Thx for your reply. And the only reason I mentioned the better looking part is because I think it's the reason for her hatred.

AnnaThema's picture

Girl ... don't do this to yourself. You've just told us that your own sense of worth is forever tied to your physical appearance.

You have to love yourself more than that!

Stepped in what momma's picture

Downsouth nailed it- you were with this guy for 10 years and just recently married him; WHY?

Squeegie's picture

Sometimes love cant be explained, I guess. For all his faults, there are qualities that I value.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Fundamentally, there is nothing you can do if SD does not invite you to her wedding. You personally cannot "force" her to do so.

The only person who can impact this is your DH. Have you all provided (joint) money for her wedding? That can have some bearing on the situation - money talks.

If SD is adamant that you are to be excluded, then your DH has a couple of choices: Tell SD he will not participate or attend the wedding unless you are included and recognized as his wife. Or ... Go to the wedding without you and suffer the impacts it will have on your marriage. Or ... come to some sort of compromise, like he will attend the ceremony and walk her down the aisle, but after that he leaves and doesn't attend reception.

My SD is getting married later this year. At least she put my name on the "save the date" - and assume she will do so with the invite. To be honest, I'd just as soon not go. But I also cringe to think of my SO alone at the wedding (with his ex) and can only imagine what kind of silliness may ensue.

shariberri's picture

You're a package, if he goes you should go. Do what needs to be done, be gracious and leave. I feel your husband needs to stand up for you as well. That doesn't make any sense to me that he allows this and you've put up with it. You're either a team or no team. This will put a wedge between you and your husband and she knows this, this is why she's doing it, so you won't show up. Is his ex going to be there? If she is you need to go.

ldvilen's picture

How nice, BM and her boyfriend get to go, invited, but not dad's spouse. I'd say that is a double-std. if I ever saw one. Personally, if I were pops, I wouldn't attend just for that reason--the dumbA$$ hypocrisy of it all. Now I'm thinking both DH and dad's wife (SM) should have a spa day instead.

hereiam's picture

For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her.

I am just trying to imagine staying with a man who lets his daughter make these kinds of demands and how she must have been raised to think that this would be okay.

My SD is 25 and although I am probably not her favorite person in the world, she knows better than to not invite me to anything that she expects her dad to show up for. To tell him how he should act towards me in any given situation? Hell no.

If your husband didn't want to be "in the middle", he should have taught his daughter to have some respect, not only for himself but for others (like his spouse).

He can make excuses for her (like jealousy) but that does not excuse him allowing this behavior.

No time like the present to take that stand you'd like him to take, but what if he doesn't?

notasm3's picture

You wanted advice - here's mine:

Ignore the whore
Block her
Erase her from your life 100%
Never speak to her
Never be in her presence
Never speak of her


NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Why would you want to go to her wedding? Wild dogs couldn't drag me to that wedding.

ESMOD's picture

I'm with you on this

I would tell DH.. have a nice afternoon. Bye.

I understand why she wouldn't invite you. She doesn't like you. Whether this is your fault or not.. it's her wedding and she can invite who she wants.

She still is his daughter though and few men would skip their kid's wedding.

If I were you, I would plan a girl's cruise for that weekend and go off with your girlfriends to some exotic ports of call!

uofarkchick's picture

The deal breaker for me would have been my husband saying he wasn't going to get involved if someone threatened to take my life.

I wouldn't ask him to pick sides. He already has.

But I am curious about the age difference. Are you just a few years older?

Squeegie's picture

Thx for your comments and no we are not close in age and no DH is not wealthy (someone else asked that). We both make good money.

uofarkchick's picture

I agree that his daughter probably sees you as competition. I have the feeling she was the wife for a long time before you came along and took her place.

Squeegie's picture

Omg! You are bang on!!! She lived with her dad fulltime from age 13 to 21. The dynamic when I came in the picture was definitely like they were hysband and wife and he gave Princess whatever she wanted. She was/is the 2nd wife!! Btw over 10 years we lived together only for about 8 months. She was so abusive to me and my kids, screaming at my 10 year old and calling her a cunt bc she mistakenly thought she let the dog out. We had separate homes after that and the death threat (I had nicely asked her to stop dumping $20 bags of coffee into the coffeemaker 5 days a week and having one cup and ditching the rest. I couldnt afford it. ) I only moved in w my DH after we married a few months ago and my kids were old enuf and settled on their own. Him marrying me devastated her. Good!!! My DH finally strapped on his balls for that decision.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It's ok for her get married, but not daddy. Daddy must be loyal to her FOREVER!

I have an SD like that and she is in her 40's. Married with children. She needs to be #1 with everyone, in particular, daddy.

Squeegie's picture

It's sick. The dads feed into it too and almost treat their adult daughters as pseudo mistresses. Geesh has anyone ever studied this? The daughters never grow up either. My DH has a 30 yo niece, a nurse, who actually sits in her dad's LAP at social events and they call each other gooey names. Disgusting!

Stepdrama11's picture

Yes, been studied. Google "father daughter enmeshment" or "mini-wife".

It is gross.

Stepdrama11's picture

Kind of. Most little girls go through phase where they love and want to marry Daddy. If Daddy has a healthy relationship with other adult woman, daughter moves past that phase to one where the goal is to grow up and have a relationship like mommy and daddy (which hopefully is at least minimally healthy). If no mommy or mommy figure, no transition out of early phase.

Unfortunately father-daughter enmeshment also is frequently seen as part of a personality disorder.


Somehow knowing about it is little comfort when dealing with it.

Stepdrama11's picture

Well, no, actually your remark inverts what I said. And what I said has nothing to do with Freud. But your reply certainly was hostile.

newcstep's picture

I agree with many others. I wouldn't want to go. But I can tell you honestly that my DH wouldn't want to go without me. It wouldn't be for my benefit or because I told him not to. It would be because my DH honestly wouldn't want to be somewhere like that without me especially knowing the disrespect these people have shown to his wife.

If your DH wants to go and doesn't care if you are there, it sounds like you have larger marital issues. If he really wants to go and wants his wife with him, then it's up to him to go to war with his DD. Then if DD agrees to allow you to come, it's you choice if you are willing to put yourself through that for the sake of your husband. If it were me, I would go for my husband, but we wouldn't stay long.

still learning's picture

And please remind her that her vows don't mean as much the second time around.

twoviewpoints's picture

She can't be all that young. Her profile states she has two children early twenties. Her husband's kids are 25 and 29.

Squeegie's picture

I am a 45 year old professional who gets mistaken for being mid to late 3Os and SD is almost 30. Yes I do look good for my age.

Acratopotes's picture

Does it really matter what age she is, what she looks like and what age SD is or look like...

the issue is... DH know he has to go to the wedding but his wife is not invited, DH sit between 2 fires...

Acratopotes's picture

I took it OP met DH 10 years ago, after divorce/legal separation, not affair.... but then again it's how I saw it

might be wrong

twoviewpoints's picture

OP answered that on down below. Eight years between divorce of BM and dating OP. Guy had another relationship between the divorce and meeting OP. SD disliked that one too.

Fact is, SD dislikes her mother also.

On and off due to deciding to keep her own home and raise her children. Now all children raised, they married.

ldvilen's picture

I think too many assumptions are being made. "He wants to go, wouldn't you want to be at your child's wedding?" No. Not if I were going to be treated like an A$$. This might be a long, old story now for some, but my DH chose not to go to his own son's wedding, because he felt we were both treated like spit at his daughter's wedding. There's more to the story, but to make a long story short, I just told him: No, I wasn't going to SS's wedding, he could go himself, and I strongly encouraged him to go alone, strongly. I felt he should at least go. But, he made his own decision and talked to his son and fiancé, and said, "I know your mother is going to try to make sure she is the center of attention regardless of the cost to anyone else, and I don't want to be any part of that fiasco." INTERESTINGLY, not only did his son and fiancé say they understood, but him giving his side of the story to his son, now they are getting along better than ever.

She doesn't have to divorce the man, for goodness sake! She can just say: Hey, you can go to whatever "family" events you want with your daughter sans me. If you want to hang out with BM and BM's boyfriend and daughter, etc., you go right ahead. When SM just says NO and means NO, you'd be surprised how many DH's suddenly find their balls. Very few men want to attend events without their wives, and even fewer want to go back to the old days and be BM's lackey. Without SM around for a buffer, DH/dad is just going to go to these events for the obligatory hour or two, if at all, and that's pretty much it. Then, he's at home with his wife (SM) for the rest of the day.

still learning's picture

Sometimes the path of least resistance is best. SD doesn't want you to go then don't. Someone suggested going on a cruise instead, that's a fantastic idea. Plan something fun that weekend, go somewhere, anything but waiting around for DH to get back from Bridezilla's event.

It's unlikely that DH will ever stand up to his daughter so just go with it. Send him off to see her alone, outside of your home. A boundary I would set is she should never be allowed to set foot inside your home but DH can go off anytime to see her.

We've had a few close calls with ss31 almost roping some poor girl into marriage, luckily it's fallen apart every time. I hope, if he ever does get married, that I won't be invited to attend the wedding because that would make my choice easy and I won't go. DH will be perfectly fine all by his lonesome and I will be off somewhere forgetting I even have a step family. Last summer he ran off to his ex-FIL's bday party with the ss's, his ex IL's and BM. He didn't invite me and I didn't insist on going, instead I went out for the day, shopping, gym, movie, didn't get home until late. Had my phone off the whole time. DH got home around 5 and I didn't show up until almost 10. "Where were you? I was so worried!" Whatever, he was spending the day in *original family land* with BM so no need for updates from his current wife.

uofarkchick's picture

I love that you pampered yourself and turned your phone off. I respect that you didn't just sit there and feel depressed while he played "happy family." Does this happen often?

still learning's picture

This was a first, nothing before in our marriage then out of the blue he "asking permission" to attend exFIL's bday party. He let me know about it the night before then ran off w/out his wedding ring the next day.

Tuff Noogies's picture

wait, he left his ring at home while attending a "last minute" "family function" for bm's family? W. T. F...

i'm glad i dont have that sort of husband, i hope he got that ish straightened out REAL quick!

still learning's picture

Yup, thats exactly what happened. I was completely blindsided and spent the next few days focusing on myself and regrouping. Only in Stepland is this sort of dynamic where DH runs off to his "other" family acceptable. It'll be interesting to see if he pulls the same stunt this year. I may just plan a preemptive cruise w/my sister and cousin on the weekend of his exFIL's bday, OP, you are welcome to come along!

Squeegie's picture

and yes she is banned from coming to our home.
So funny to me like I am King Kong to SD and wield so much power over her. It kinda makes me laugh.

ChiefGrownup's picture

He doesn't want to be "in the middle." WTF.

Call him out on that. There is no "middle." There is one person being cruel and aggressive and there is one person being attacked.

Tell him she's his daughter and you understand he loves her no matter what but you are his wife and expect to be treated like his cherished treasure. Tell him behavior is separate from her standing as his child. He can and should condemn the behavior - it is what loving parents do all the time.

And if you have to, remind him you are an adult with choices and you don't have to stay where you are treated poorly. There. is. no. middle.

I don't care what you do about the girl's wedding. I just want you to stop accepting this bs rhetoric from your dh and stop accepting his acquiescence to the girl's demands about YOUR life. Next time she's around grab your dh and rock his world to barely within the rules of decency. Then grab his hand whenever you like. If she looks cross-eyed about it let your hand wander toward his freaking belt buckle. She'll either run away screaming or she'll shut up about the mere handholding.

And if it's your dh who freaks out? Well, just look him in the eye and calmly say, "I have some things to think about." It will be a LONG time before he gets any of that in private if he can't hold your hand in public. And that would be him getting off easy.

sandye21's picture

I agree. The only 'middle' is the one your DH created because he is too afraid to confront SD about her disrespectful behavior toward you. Like many other posters I am really stumped as to why you would marry a man who allowed his daughter to treat you like this for 10 years. Love is one thing - masochism is another.

By the way, my DH tried this B.S. about being in the middle during SD's meltdown. The result was that SD is not allowed in our home until he can inform her - in my presence - that she is to respect me as his wife. Whether she appears at my doorstep is not the issue. I resect myself enough to expect him to honor our marriage. THAT is what I deserve as his wife.

You should not be as concerned about SD and her 'jealously' toward your looks as you should be concerned that your DH is such a poor excuse for a husband. By allowing such disrespect to you he is blatantly showing you how much he values you as his partner and a person he claims to love.

When SD got married I let DH go without me but let him know that cowardly behavior in a marital union has it's consequences. Give DH a choice of working on your marriage and acting like a husband should or living with SD. I agree with many of the other posters that your looks are not the single cause of SD's hatred of you. I am only a few years younger than DH but was asked in front of SD if SD and I were sisters. SD did not take care of herself so I assumed anyone who DID take care of themselves could be mistaken for her sister. Also, her attitude stuck out like a sore thumb to the point many people made comments about it. As with my SD, I believe there are several reasons for your SD's 'jealousy' of you - the main one being that she was his mini-wife for too long and he enabled it. Set boundaries now with your DH. Do not back down.

Squeegie's picture

Wow Sandy. You are so right. He has been feeding the monster for ten yesrs and treating me like SHIT. Btw I told DH some of the comments here and I think it is working to change his behaviour. He says he told SD (She Devil in my eyes) that he's not going to the wedding unless his wife is with him AND unless he walks her down the aisle. I suspect right now from what Ive been seeing that she is planning to have her brother walk her as a punishment for DH marrying me. She plans to totally humiliate DH. Hubby can be all talk tho so it will be interesting to see what happens.

Ps. What were the marital consequences you mentioned in your situation?

Thank u!!

still learning's picture

Having her brother walk her down the isle?! Wow, what a slap in the face to DH. I hope he stands by what he said because there's really no reason for him to attend if he's just the whipping boy.

twoviewpoints's picture

How long were DH and BM divorced before you started dating DH and were introduced to SD?

Squeegie's picture

8 years or so. I met her when she was 19/20. He was involved after the divorce with someone else for quite a while and I hear she was abusive to her. too but not as bad as me. Also SD hated her mom for many years and only reconnected w her 2 years ago.

Squeegie's picture

8 years or so. I met her when she was 19/20. He was involved after the divorce with someone else for quite a while and I hear she was abusive to her. too but not as bad as me. Also SD hated her mom for many years and only reconnected w her 2 years ago.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree with Echo...I never went to the spa much, seemed like just an extravagance. Since I am excluded, and now would not go even if included (because that is really the last thing they want); I have made it a priority to book all sorts of things when he has his private moments.

I never knew what I was missing and my toes have never looked this good...haha...I indulge quite easily now.

SacrificialLamb's picture

DH is going to visit Princess Extraordinaire of the Universe next month, first time since my pre-disengagement meltdown.

You'd think she would recognize that she would see daddy more if she didn't alienate his wife, but making connections in her brain isn't her strong suit.

But yeah, when DH leaves I am headed straight for a 2 hour massage.

Squeegie's picture

ldvilen's picture

"DH has done nothing saying he doesn't want to get in the middle. For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her. He just continues to let me be disrespected and frankly part of me is not sure I can continue in the marriage this way. Btw she refused to come to our wedding which in the end was fine by me but at least I had the class to extend the invitation to her."

Wow! He doesn't want to get in the middle of his own divorce, but he wants you to?--someone whom I'm assuming had nothing to do with the divorce whatsoever. (Only about 6% of stepmoms involve daddy having an affair and then going on to marry that person.)

Clearly your DH has been letting his daughter control his relationship for years, "For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her." Manipulative, controlling BM (or SD) and weak, enabling DH = step hell.

It doesn't help either that society expects SMs to suck it up and take it, meaning, SM is supposed to contend with always being literally the second wife whenever BM is around, or her children. SM is supposed to bowdown to bio-mom hanging out with her husband and BM acting like he is still her husband any time she wants. A 3-way marriage.

Well, I've come to conclusion--MAJOR BS to that! You are married to your DH, no if, ands or buts. And, 3-way marriages are not allowed in the US. The US allows you to only have one wife (or husband) at a time. You and DH are a couple. BM and DH may be parents, but you and DH are a couple, and deserve to be treated like at couple 100% of the time. Anyone who can't handle that, deserves to be flipped off no matter who they are.

So, love your DH, act like you are married, because you are married, and anyone who won't accept that can go to H- and then some. If DH wants to go into the viper's den by himself, let him. Like many others have said above, and I say below, go have a spa day!!

twoviewpoints's picture

OP has given very little back story. Is BM even alive? Does she have anything at all to do with the rage SD displays towards OP? I really haven't figure out yet , but I'm baffled as to why a grown *ss man would jump to attention and obey his adult daughter's every last command...for ten years.

IDK, but as OP seems to not want to reveal much, it could be anything as to what cob this SD has up her rear. Possibly a widowed man who remarried a slightly younger, much prettier and far more successful woman than his first wife.

There's got to be something somewhere that had this SD seeing pure outright hateful rage on first sight other than jealousy Dad's new GF pretty.

Of course, now that I've mentioned it, OP may come back and tell BM is very much alive, a witch and banning her daughter from having anything to do with OP. Or BM and Dad are seating together at wedding and BM doesn't want OP to outshine the bride and mother of the bride. I really no clue.

Ten years. Something just seems off. I can't think of any members here who would date a guy for nine-ish years , be treated to threats of physical harm and than up and marry the chicken sh*t male and be all put out at not being invited to a wedding. It's not only the SD who has been very disrespectful but the newly married father too...for ten years :jawdrop:

Squeegie's picture

Yes BM is alive and SD has had a very strained rship with her as well. She has been abusive to DH. In fact DH says SD acts just like her mother - screaming, making scenes, trying to get physical. You are right that the BM is nowhere near like me. She is a clerk and I have a six figure salary. I am much prettier than her too and in great shape. I am very sorry, just being honest. I do not mean to offend anyone, just trying to show you the picture.

Thumper's picture


Sorry that your husband has not stood UP for you, his wife. That is a heck of a place to live in and be in. I would not have put up with that.

NO advise here from me.

Squeegie's picture

Boy your post got me choked up! Crying now...Yes the only time he finally stood up was by marrying me. You know, all I want is peace and love. If I knew what I'd done Id apologize but my own DH cannot think of anything other than me just being in a room and breathing and it inspires hatred in SD. I am a nice person. I've raised two beautiful children Im incredibly close to. i honestly dont give a flyin shit psycho SD hates me - I just wish hubby had more balls and I had more gumption. You are all right! I am going to treat myself that weekend - and call in a bomb threat to her reception. KIDDING!!!!

Squeegie's picture

Thank you Renewal. Great advice also! You sound like a chill person who has found her path to peace and happiness. Ps yes I do stay away from SD but continue to encourage my DH to spend time with her. I guess we all need to find our peace eh. I guess I do it at the expense of my self respect. And I will be the adult here and let Bridezillla have her day. Her poor fiance tho. He seems like a nice guy but she has his balls on a chain too.

ChiefGrownup's picture

OK, this is bs of the highest order. Daddee, buy me big party, no wife for you, go wait on bm and her boyfriend, make sure their wine glasses never get empty and sweep their crumbs.

Is this man missing his Y chromosome? Why does he feel comfortable being his daughter's public whipping boy and cash machine? He should recoil from all this based on his own self-respect alone.

It should be easy for him to say to her, "I can't understand why you think it's ok to treat me like this but it isn't. My money and I are sitting this one out. Maybe you can go get some cash from bm boyfriend and then order him to leave his better half at home. I'm sure he'll be thrilled."

Squeegie's picture

Wow ChiefGrownup, I like what you said too, so much that I''m going to use it in my next convo w DH. I

Squeegie's picture

Thank you Renewal. I do stay away from SD but continue to encourage my DH to spend time with her. I guess we all need to find our peace eh. I guess I do it at the expense of my self respect. And I will be the adult here and let Bridezillla have her day. Her poor fiance tho. He seems like a nice guy but she had his balls on a chain.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Don't even encourage DH to have a relationship with his DD. You could come to resent that since you have a ball-less DH like many of us. I encouraged my DH too, but all I got were daggers in my back. Just say nothing. His relationship with his special snowflake is his responsibility.

Squeegie's picture

I appreciate those of you who took the time to read about my pain, share your experience and insight, and offer your advice or comfort. It means a lot and has helped tremendously so thank you.

Acratopotes's picture

My first thought was... pffft tell Dh to go and enjoy your free day... then I read 10 years together...
that changes my answer totally...

If DH have to walk her down the isle... simply compromise, DH can do that and skip the reception and tell his brat bitch daughter, my wife is not invited, thus I have no business being at the reception.

ldvilen's picture

I'd call this pretty much the perfect answer. In this way, he is supporting his daughter as his daughter, in the traditional dad role for Christian weddings. YET, at the same time, he is supporting his wife, by refusing to act like a couple or pretending to be a couple with anyone other than his wife.

But, at the end of the day, do what works for you. By the end of their first year, most SMs have sucked it up and took it or taken the high road more than anyone else would be expected to do in a lifetime, so there is no way you are being selfish by looking out for yourself.

Squeegie's picture

agree! perfect answer. I'll ask my DH but whether he has the balls for once to do it remains to be seen. Thank you!

Acratopotes's picture

the thing is.... you are not asking him to choose between you or the bitch.... she's asking him to choose and normally the one asking is the one loosing out.

but in case your DH is a weak spineless idiot... book yourself into a spa for that day - on his account Wink

Squeegie's picture

You know what? At the end of the day SD is only making a public pronouncement of the pathetic hostile bitch I already know her to be - I can only imagine what her Catholic in-laws to be will think of her knowing that she banned her dad's wife from attending. Ditto DH. He comes off as a spineless, balls on a leash asshole for going and disrespecting me, his wife. It's all on them and they'll both look pretty despicable in the end. -I know my family will lose the little respect they had for him anyway.

still learning's picture

"SD is only making a public pronouncement of the pathetic hostile bitch I already know her to be"

^Yup. Her in laws are getting a real peach of a daughter in law. It seems like SD hates every female in her life so what fun her new MIL is going to have.

Rise above, deal with the situation with grace and distance and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

notasm3's picture

Your DH should ask sd if he can bring a +1 friend to the wedding since you will not be there.

Then you find the youngest hottest (and most trustworthy) friend you have to do you a favor and go with him.

I have a close friend (about 30 years tha. I am) who truly does look like Sophia Verraga . She'd do that for me.

CLove's picture

That lil gal sounds horrible, sick and not a little unhinged. And shes getting married into a Catholic family. How nice - soon the veil will come off and everyone hopefully will see her for who she is, and turn away. Too bad - feel sorry for the sucker who is marrying her.

Your DH needs to make a stand somehow - my SO would never allow me to be excluded, or threatened by anyone. Does he need "how to grow a spine" classes? My So - however strong he is, he does allow himself to get pushed around by women in his life. He is the youngest of several strong siblings, and although he is independent, he lets the girls push him around a bit. Sounds like your DH is used to pushing your DH around A LOT. This started way before you. Just remember, she will ALWAYS be his daughter.

Squeegie's picture

It's actually hilarious. DH always told me she was an atheist and hated the Catholic church and its paternaliism. Boom now that her eggs are starting to dry up and she has a reeled in a sucker, shes suddenly religious! She apparently always hated kids too up til she met her fiance. lol. Gonna be fun to watch that once shes preggers and the hormones rage and her head starts spinning in circles lol.

Her fiance has seen her being psycho first hand. Now he and his family are in for a lifetime of fun once the veil gets pulled back and she has the ring on her finger. I hope they enjoy the ride!! Im gonna get the popcorn.

Disillusioned's picture

I think your DH needs to stand up to his daughter, by supporting you. Either you're invited or he isn't going. End of story. You are his wife. His daughter can accept it or not.

By catering to her tantrums your DH is enabling her

My DH would never stand for that. He would refuse to attend if I were not invited. His eldest daughter also used to try this crap on us. DH put his foot down, at least on that, and now she doesn't pull it anymore

Has nothing to do with whether you want to attend or if you even will, but you should not be excluded, especially if it's just because she's being a jealous immature brat

Squeegie's picture

Stepaside - I do see what u are saying and I'm glad that you sound like a strong woman !!
In the end and whatever DH decides I am good to not go. I would be treated like crap by SD and her friends, no doubt. SD would concoct some psycho, aggressive and possibly even physical assault. I love the suggestions here that if DH does go, it be church only then sionara to the reception. He liked that option. Im going to enjoy most how pathetic she will look to her new and apparently very religious inlaws.

Sammy3355's picture

I have found peace and a serious relationship growth by putting me first and refusing to go anywhere that makes me feel uncomfortable. I do not go to DH small family gather (consisting just of his children). We decided to spend Christmas abroad last year, he wanted to have Christmas dinner with his children. That was fine by me, I helped him prepare the meal, dressed the table beautifully. I then got ready, put on my heels and spent the entire day with friends.

I have learnt to let go. It really hurts when you feel disrespected, judged, rejected and not supported by your DH. So my step was to build boundaries. I told my DH he can be a father to his kids, but unless something changes, I am not going to be in a toxic environment. So my advice to you, is ask yourself, do you really what to be in an atmosphere that is not conducive to you? When you can be out with friends. There is nothing you can do to stop an adult step child to like you or respect. Accept they are hurting and build your own walls.

In my case, BM said she will not be going to SD wedding if I went. Thankfully DH said, that he will attend the wedding, but he will not go to the reception without me. I get on with 2 out of the 3 children. I was invited to the engagement and wedding until BM made her terms. In the end, BM did not go. I sat on next to DH and was treated extremely well. The groom's parents, made sure that I was included in absolutely everything. All in all, we had an amazing day, even the disgruntled SS kept his balance. It was his sisters wedding and she has made it clear that she wants a relationship with me and my children.

Grow a layer of thick skin, keep your boundaries, explain why you are having and keeping your boundaries to DH and maintain them. Sooner or later he will understand. Looking back, I cannot believe that things are much easier, thanks to this site and to mine taking care of me.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Sammy it's nice to hear a success story. I hope I am headed in that direction.

ldvilen's picture

Yes, this is the route I took after an especially bad episode too (with adult SKs): "I told my DH he can be a father to his kids, but unless something changes, I am not going to be in a toxic environment." For 'family' events, I choose if I want to go or not depending on my comfort level (or if I feel there is a low level of toxicity). Events where BM is at pretty much = high level. For ones I don't care to attend, DH then gets to decide if he wants to go alone or not. It's up to him. This takes the load off of both of us, but like you I did have to spend some time explaining my perspective to him.

For me, I know this will probably grow to include innocent SGKs at some point, but I truly look at it as it is a choice that DH's 'family' made. Personally, I would have loved nothing more than to have had a mutually respecting relationship with any and all of them. But, if as an adult and after years of knowing me, you cannot accept the fact that DH and I are married and are a couple, then I want no part of living that lie. And, it is especially sad that SK and even GSKs will have a lesser relationship with their father or G-pa because of their choices, because my DH, like most, does not like to attend events without his wife (unless you are talking about a football game or similar), so there will not be that many he'll attend alone or for any length of time.

And, it is not that DH is picking sides or picking me over them. It is simply that like anyone, DH feels uncomfortable being around those who won't accept or acknowledge his partner, his wife.

peacemaker's picture

sounds Like my osd (now 45)....It isn't about what dh wants...He IS n the middle. He has allowed his daughter to sit in a seat of authority over himself. Big mistake. although pretty common in divorce settings. He has not confronted her at all, and now she is dictating your lives?

STOP! and your dh need to step back...get some counseling, and take control of your relationship with no outside influences. Establishing healthy boundaries, and self respect as well as respect for each other is crucial. She is not part of that formula.

He will have to learn how to confront her and redirect her trespasses...

She has been taught that her actions are acceptable by dh doing nothing.

I would respect that she does not want to have a relationship with you...but there are consequences to those choices. She does not understand that her perspective is really messed up because her parents did not maintain her role in the family as the daughter when their family broke apart. Unfortunately, she perceives she has more authority than you or your dh...Which is not the case.

She has a seat at the table of your family structure, but it is not your seat...she is one of the children. And now she is not going to be satisfied with her position originally because she has gotten a taste of the power. Sounds like she is intoxicated by it. Which in the end is not good for, or your dh. If she is allowed to continue this hateful journey...she will ruin your life...If you let her.

When i disengaged (for 4 years)..It gave me the time (and break from the constant trauma), to push my own reset button on my own life. I was able to step back and look at it...i could not believe how much I allowed them to beat me down year after year of this sort of mental psychological and verbal abuse had just about crushed my personhood as an individual...

I had to do it without dh. Cut off the toxic co-dependency, and realize that somehow, my identity morphed to hinge upon this new role of being sm...

Go back to your individualism as a person...Regain your identity...your true self. Who you were created to be...Be that single person again. Do some real soul searching...and save yourself from this toxic merry-go-round to nowhere...

I did not have to physically leave my relationship to accomplish this...but I did have to check out mentally, by putting up healthy boundaries, by getting back to God, and doing a lot of research...and a lot of trips to the counselor with dh (they were able to show him his error, as he would not listen to me, because he thought my opinion was biased.

Now, after being tested over and over...and holding the boundary line to protect myself from people like that...Dh witness my newfound self respect and has gradually mustered up the courage to stand by me...he still vacillates from time to time...but, His respect level for me has escalated to a level that now coincides with a culture of honor in our home. i will continue to stand in position I have been given by God. (even if I have to do it alone)...although I am never alone in it...

It was a long, painful journey to get here...The osd has not changed her attitude one bit...(not my problem)...Unfortunately for her...I chose to respect where she is at...but that's does not give her the right to trespass the boundaries, come into my home, and unfortunately for her...she gave her father the ultimatum, and of course he chose me...(he does not have to reside with her), and she is 45 after all.

The last family gathering we went on, she showed up and her only comment to him was "The only reason you and I do not have a relationship is because of your marriage covenant" (we have been married 29 years)...My response to dh when he told me was "You're not going to buy into that lie are you"... She overheard me, and glared at me the rest of the evening....

You see I realized her issues are within herself...i just do not allow her to externalize her problems onto me or my marriage...the reason she is so screwed up is because her parents failed to parent when the divorce was taking place. She just hasn't gotten to the point in her journey that she can take an honest look at it and admit it....I get that...but, with that being does not give her the license to try to abuse me, my children, or my marriage, in the process...My last suggestion to her was to get some professional help...

Her behaviors toward my family are absolutely not OK...When she said she was "done"...(as manipulation tactic)...Our response was.."We will respect that"...and let her go. Now she is pissed because it didn't work, pulling the grandkids didn't work...We have left her with herself to deal with her own herself...and hopefully she will get the help she needs (the truth of the matter)...and now we can get on with our lives...Peace.

This scenario is the sad reality of how cruel severe Pas'ing of children can be. She still thinks her mother loved her so much, and doesn't realize that all of the hate spewed toward dh an myself was because her mother's bitterness...she used her all of her children as weapons for revenge...and no...their divorce was not cause by me...dh and I never met until after his ex-wife had been re- married for years...Their marriage failed on it's own merit. Bm died 4 years ago, and osd's fantasy of her mother who loved her soooo much is just a false reality she is not willing to trade for the truth of the matter at this point...The other two children are coming back to their senses and trying to re-engage with us,,,it is challenging because it is all so new and different from what it was before..They were told we will NEVER return to what it was before....Peace.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Peacemaker I always love your well-thought out responses (don't delete!).

I am curious if your DH is or was able to recognize the manipulation when it occurred. My OSD is close in age to yours. She has tried some of the same manipulation tactics and then gets pissed when they don't work and then punishes her father by not talking to him. Then when she realizes that isn't working, she changes her tactic. It's a game with her; she has to win and has to be top dog.

For years I think his failure to see the manipulation, or not wanting to see the manipulation, made me madder than anything. And I still don't think that he sees it, but I've realized that when I keep my mouth shut, the manipulation doesn't work. So it's a win-win for both of us.

peacemaker's picture

For a long time he was unable to see it at all. We both were. That is why the disengagement was so crucial. it gave me 4 years to sort out myself, and what was really happening with her. It is complicated because of the constant morphing into a new tactic when the old one no longer works. Even now, I do not believe dh could stand up to her on his own...It is a deceptive spirit that drives her, and takes a lot of discernment and self-control to counteract the attacks effectively. That is why she hates me so much...She knows she can manipulate him if I am not by his side. The principal of agreement in our marriage has been instrumental in staying united as a couple to safeguard our relationship against the spirit of division that she brings.

I am a fighter...He is not. He does not like to confront anything...So, it does pose a challenge when the emotions start flying high. That is where a neutral, third-party counselor has been helpful...Peace.

ldvilen's picture

Great post, as usual. Your last para. or so brings up something I have wondered about off and on for years. You mentioned that BM PAS’d the kids and then passed away herself.

I always wonder with these types of BMs if they have ever thought of that—while they are going after their children’s father with fangs bared and going after dad’s wife with fangs and talons bared. What if something ever happens to BM? Do they not realize that with them out of the picture, their children will basically have no one that they feel they can rely on to take her place?

I always think if anyone is wondering how cruel and viscous PAS’ing is, just think that this BM is willing to twist the hell out of reality to assure her kids feel that she alone is the almighty powerful one and dad a looser weak man. And, then BM dies, and all that is left in the children’s eyes is looser weak man for a dad and ho for a SM. How are the kids going to turn their lives around and be successful after that?

REALLY! Wouldn’t you think BM would want to make sure that if something happens to her, things will be made as easy as possible for her children, or even if BM isn’t worried about dying, wouldn’t you think she’d want to make some kind of peace with dad and even his wife, again, just to make things easier for her children? PAS = the epitome of “it’s all about me” to the point of eating your own young, so to speak.

peacemaker's picture

Loyalty of the Children, no matter what the the trophy prize...Even after death...

That is what drives the campaign..The ultimate, and I quote "make your life a living Hell until the day you die"... a shortsighted and costly, destructive path that makes her the center of everything..

that is how dangerous unforgiveness is. It will literally consume you if you don't forgive (note to self). The children now have the task of sorting through the obstacle course to freedom...that is why I no longer take it personally, but, with that being said. I no longer take it. I have pushed their issues back into their court. It is the only chance they have to be able to deal with the truth. It is their inheritance, not mine. (I have my own baggage to deal with)...

I am just thankful I was able to get out of that self-made madness..Peace.

Squeegie's picture

Wow Peacemaker. You have well articulated the situation and SD and the whole authority thing. Im glad you and your DH have found a way to manage things.

Rags's picture

Go anyway. Your DH is invited and by default so are you. Go, be radiant, beam your happiness as you are on your DH's arm. If the bride wants to let that ruin her day... that is her choice. Neither DH nor you should say a word to SD about it. Just do it.

sammigirl's picture

Squeegie: Do you want to go? Do what you want. If you want to go with your DH, then do it; don't make a fuss over it, just do it. Tell your DH you want to go and you won't make a scene, but you want to be acknowledged as his wife and you don't want to be treated otherwise.

If you don't want to go, then find something else to busy yourself and let it go.

The next time SD tries to assault you, call the cops and have her removed from your home and then get a RO. You can excuse yourself to the bathroom and call 911 and stay in the other room until the cops show up. Make a believer out of your SD.

My SD is not allowed to pull that crap any longer; Law Enforcement has already been to my house and believe me it shut the crap down. I did not make a scene, just quietly stepped outside and called the local enforcement and waited out there until they showed up. Nobody inside knew I was even doing it, until they showed up and went inside, without me, to sort it out. The next morning I obtained a Court ordered Protective Order. It took a hearing before the Judge weeks later to get it all settled. It opened eyes at my house and it is peaceful now. I am still hated by SD (who cares), but I have peace. My DH was extremely angry with me and will probably never get over it; but they step back; they know I will do it permanently if it ever happens again; everyone will be out of my house forever.

My DH allows his DD to do as she pleases and always has for 56 years. Therefore, it is a no win situation to fight with her. My DH will never apologize for her actions, he will never make SD56 respect me, and my DH refuses to go to marriage counseling or think he has ever done anything other than be perfect (he's never wrong). So I decided I would make my own boundaries for myself and my marriage. If my DH doesn't like me, I told him to not let the door hit him in the a$$$ on the way out. I mean it and he knows it. It took 30+ years for me to get enough of the bad treatment.

Nobody is going to change your situation, but you. Go girl!

Squeegie's picture

Your DH sounds like mine. No apologies, no counselling, etc. Anyway yes you can bet your a$& the next time she lays a hand on me I will be calling the cops and getting a RO. The bitch vandalized my car one time too - i know it was her. I only wish I couldve proven it - I wouldve called the cops.

Yes I want peace too. And in the end I realize I really don't want to go to the wedding and be verbally abused and be subjected to possibly something more. Either is a given. What I really want is DH to stand up to his psycho, immature, manipulative daughter and respect me as his wife.

DH raised her FT since a preteen. Hes done sooo much for her and aside from the disrespect of me (which he never really cared about, obviously, cuz he did nothing) the disrespect DD is showing to him is really alienating him now and pissing him off as it should. See above re I think she wont let him walk her down the aisle as punishment for marrying me. Anyway whatever DH decides is up to him I know, so I need to surrender to that. I realize cant control what he does, only how I react to it. And in keeping with someones signature here, "and now, Ill do whats best for me.", Im going to focus on that. That includes expending my energy on more positive things.

Squeegie's picture

Thanks again everyone!! xo Ive read every one of your comments - thank you so much for taking the time. It means so much and has helped so much. Hugs hugs hugs.