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I am at my wits end and need some serious advice please!

Michell66's picture

Hello all,

I am a 49 year old mother of two, ages 25 and 20. Both are good kids, etc. I divorced their father about 8 yrs ago due to domestic violence issues. I got remarried about 2 years ago to a nice, Christian man who has 3 now adult children, ages 19, 25, and 27. At the beginning, of course, things were great, no issues really, just his ex-wife's jealousy which got quickly resolved. Now, for the past 1 1/2 yrs his kids have been making our lives a living hell. And I am not exaggerating. His oldest daughter hasn't given me any problems for the most part. It is his youngest, 19 yr old daughter who is constantly causing trouble, not only with me, but with my daughter and others in her family. I have tried to be nice and decent but it just does not work with her. She is very rebellious, got hooked on pot and then meth with a loser boyfriend. Has a baby by another boy that she lost custody of due to drugs, neglect, etc. She constantly lies to her dad, my husband, and he believes everything she says, while I can see right through her. I am a psychology major in college, so I know what I see and how she really is. She is so disrespectful to her dad and it makes me sick especially because she is so disrespectful to me. She has called me horrible names for no reason, to her it was a reason, like getting her car taken away for doing drugs. My husband is also under major control by his widowed mother who truly runs his life. In the beginning I truly thought it would get better, especially after we married, but no. His daughter needs serious help. I even tried to get him to spend time with her more while we were dating and he refused. Just wouldn't do it. He was always at my place. This part troubled me for I thought how could he just ignore his daughter? Well, fast forward to now. Now, he is usually gone most of his days off at his mothers house, which is fine, however, he stays gone so long and I get lonely. Its like we are not married at all. And his mom, daughter and his son are always having private phone calls and little "conferences" about issues that I feel like I should be involved in because I am his wife. I am a nice, sympathetic and kind person who would give anyone the shirt off my back. I have stayed quiet in the past but now its getting more and more difficult. His daughter lies and manipulates her dad constantly to get things, to get her way regardless of who it hurts, etc. She is on her own with a loser boyfriend who wont work and does drugs as well. There is so much more I could tell but its all the same type of issues: she wants something, lies to get it. and she has even stolen large amounts of money, recently, from her own mothers checking account. Nobody in the entire family makes her pay anything back, never tries to punish her or get her serious help. I am just so sick and tired of all this. My husband's son is also a real winner. He is gay, I do not have ANYTHING against gays at all, however, he, and excuse my language, prostitutes himself out constantly to get money. He is on all kinds of those hook up sites and people have sent me screen shots of what he posts and its quite sickening. The entire family has no morals whatsoever. They never were in church and were never punished when little, etc or taught how to treat others with respect and kindness. They only know how to lie and use people to their own advantage. My husband is a sweet man, don't get me wrong, He is just too sweet and too gullible. He refuses to admit his kids have any problems at all. I cant get over it. Our marriage is in trouble now because its just getting very old and I am too old to deal with this drama. That's the problem, constant drama with his kids. his mother and ex-wife thrive on it. My husband says he loves me, etc. but I don't know. And I sure don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel like I am going crazy and just want to run away. Please help me. If I have left out anything important please let me know, for I am upset even now while typing this. Thank you.

ybarra357's picture

Why would you think things would get better after getting married? That is rarely the case if at all.

Anyway – does DH’s spawn live with you?

moeilijk's picture

It sounds like you're in the middle of a very cheap and tawdry soap opera. Why?

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
― Henry Cloud

hatesteplife's picture

Is your husband willing to go to counseling? I was in much the same boat. Adult SD constantly lying and manipulating and me playing second fiddle.

But for me it DID get better because DH was willing to go to counseling. The counselor told him to circle the wagons around his marriage because I should be his first priority and to set up boundaries with his daughter because she was a black hole of need and would suck the life out of us. It is often hard for him, but he listened, and our marriage is much the better for it.

Merry's picture

You can't do anything about his kids. The addict will either end up in prison, get into a recovery program, or die. Those are truly the only options when you are dealing with something like meth. Addicts lie, cheat, steal from even people they cherish. But the pull of the drug is stronger. It's horrible for everyone, including them.

Ignore the son with the lifestyle you don't approve of. He is an adult and you can't change him. Tell people to stop sending you images or information about his activities. (How do they even KNOW about his activities???)

You can't change your mother-in-law either.

So, what about your spouse? The one who promised to love and protect you? Where is that love and protection? If HE is not willing to step up to provide the partnership that you need, then this is your life.

Figure out what you need to do to take care of YOURSELF. First step is to stop trying to take care of people who don't want you to take care of them, and stop making excuses for your husband's bad behavior. He's not "too sweet and too gullible." He's certainly not sweet to YOU, and you should be his first priority.

Counseling. Both of you.

Rags's picture

The only way things consistently get better IMHO is if they start out good. If they start out bad generally the only way they go is from bad to worse.

Good to better, bad to worse.

The step family marriage universe is full of miserable people who start thinking that they can fix the tragically character flawed love of their life, the sweet, nice, victimized parent who just did not have the chance or opportunity to effectively parent their children through no fault of their own.

Bullshit, these people choose their behaviors, facilitate their toxic crotch nuggets, and engage with their putrid Xs, parents, etc... People of character purge the crap from their lives including the elements of their lives that are from shallow and polluted gene pools.

My own cavern crotched skank whore of an XW used to spend countless hours, nights, and weekends at her parents home while I was in our marital home less than 5 miles away. Like you I struggled with it, I justified, I tolerated it. Until she finally left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy. She is the product of a completely toxic gene pool which came out a number of years after our divorce when my XMIL was sent to federal prison for embezzlement and my XW was left paying more than $1Mil of the multi $Mil settlement that he family agreed to when her mothers empoloyer sued the family to recoup some of the money they had lived high on the hog with over the years.

I have had an amazing life since divesting myself of my XW's cesspool of character familymmore than 25 years ago. She and her family have wallowed in their shallow and poluted gene pool mess.

Your DH is a key player in the toxic bullshit of his spawn and mother and is entirely complicit. I think you know what the best thing to do is so do it. Good luck and enjoy your new life with this man of little character and his shallow and polluted gene pool far in your rear view mirror.

IMHO of course.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Amen!

still learning's picture

You came into the relationship trying to "fix" the relationship between daddy and daughter by having him spend more time with her. He didn't want to, I don't blame him. She's an adult, a train wreck and he can't fix her either.

You thought things would get better after you got married...join the club of disenchanted women who didn't get the Cinderella dream. It just doesn't happen in real life! The slipper didn't fit.

You're upset that you're not involved in their little drama conference calls?! Why not be screaming Hallelujah?! Like you need more of THEIR melodrama in your life.

Who are these friends who are trolling gay hook-up sites and sending you screen shots of your stepson?! What the guy does in his private life is NONE of your business but you are actively seeking it out of you can be "sickened" by it. This is the most disturbing part of your post and you really need to stop this unhealthy fascination with his lifestyle.

You're 49 woman, you left a DV relationship and for that I applaud you. Now you're in the midst of dysfunction junction. Step back from THEIR drama. Step out of their drama triangle. Let them be, no fixing, no judging. Just focus on you, your husband, those good kids, and the degree you're getting.

LadyOfShalott's picture

Good lord, yes! What it gift it would be to NOT have to be involved in my SD's drama at all. Step back as far as you possibly can.

++You're upset that you're not involved in their little drama conference calls?! Why not be screaming Hallelujah?! Like you need more of THEIR melodrama in your life. ++