I am Geting Rady to Try to Explain to DH WHAT Narcisisstic/Borderline/CRAZY Jerking Around Is - Help
me make sure I get it right and in simplistic terms*biggrin* This is just a relatively loose interpretation of what went out with a lot of things left out that happened. H*ll I don't want him sitting there all day.
Here is my shot at it. The Twit starts telling you that a wedding is coming up and it is going to be small with the couple only inviting people close to them. THIS statement is, intentionally vague, and meant to be. Actually means nothing as no specifics are actually stated. This is repeated several times to DH by Twit but he never thinks it means he was going to be excluded. Why would he.
Then he finds out that nvites are out, is told again that he was told it was going to be a small wedding, made to feel like a fool in even caring about the couple etc. When things get the worst someone steps in and announces that YOU are invited! Lucky you! Okay, you are now invited but still confused as to what the h*ll was going on. The coup de foray is when that someone (Twit) lelt you know that even though you were invited by her, you REALLY WERE NOT GOING TO BE INVITED! Which is like hitting someone in the head with a baseball bat at that time. Being hurt by this cruelity and nonsense he declines and now he is the BAD GUY. Everyone is being told that HE refuses to cme to his GS wedding for all kinds of reasons but the real one. Poor Twit, look at what her Father has done to her.
I think I got all the essences of crazy in there. Did I get it right? Think he will understand.
That, folks, is very strange and not normal among people IMHO.
Oh, oh, oh, I want to say
Oh, oh, oh, I want to say that when DH told me what Twit said about the small wedding etc., I just knew what she meant is that he wasn't going to be invited and even told DH that. To which DH poo pooed me stating that she said no such thing just that it was going to be a small wedding and only people close to the BTB and GTB were going to be invited. Sigh, DH, after all these years doesn't have a clue as to how Twit sets things up.
I also want to try to make him understand that as long as she feels she can jerk him around this way she is going to. She gets her kicks off of it, as they say. That to stop this nonsense he MUST stop it. That maybe, just maybe (yeah when pigs fly) she will get the message and change.
B.S.
It was quite a while between the time DH found out the invitations were 'all out' and when he actually got one. In fact, there was some sort of confusion (wasn't it during a dinner?) involving the GTB, about sending you an invitation at all. What Twit is trying to do now is cast doubt on DH's understanding of the events as they occurred. This is part off her MO, creating confusion and doubt to avoid blame and to transfer the blame on the person she has offended. She gets off the hook that way.
Was the good SD invited? And if she was, when? My bet is she went through the same scenario. Has DH discussed this with the good SD? ALL communication about the wedding should be between the GTB and DH, leaving Twit out of it.
As we have suggested, DH should be dealing with Twit himself and leaving you out of it - completely. Refuse to discuss Twit with DH at all.
Sandye, at this point in time
Sandye, at this point in time there has been so much carp regarding that wedding I get confused trying to keep it all straight.
I know the good SD got an invitation before DH even knew they had been sent out and she refused it because she was even surprised that Twit invited her....to a point. She knows Twit was just strutting off her one son, the only one who will ever have a chance at getting married.
As my one friend said, trying t keep track of Twit garbage will drive you crazy and that is what she intends. If she can keep DH confused about things she can keep him listening t her Like you folk, my profiler friends says we just can't have Twit in our circle of people and it is going to be tough to get rid of her.
Also to expect when DH really starts cutting her out, and he has told her in the past enough was enough, etc., but she keeps coming back like she doesn't understand English. She knows that DH will never totally block her out like her BM did years back. When DH cuts her off, somewhat, he starts to hear how the BM wants nothing to do with her woe is her. Laying a very thick guilt trip on DH.
There is a book called
There is a book called GASLIGHTING , you can probably find it on Amazon used. It was very helpful in explaing what this looks like, feels like and end up doing to people. This is what TWIT did, weaving different layers upon each other until it was so thick you can't see past it.
I don't really think you will be able to make it clear to DH how this played it out clearly. For one, he still has on rose colored glasses and two, she really piled it on, that I can't even keep up.
Maybe a flow chart?
Don’t go to her wedding. Who
Don’t go to her wedding. Who cares what other people think.
I personally never had any
I personally never had any plans of going. DH kind of waivered but then decided he would rather join me, his other daughter and her hubby up in Vegas. I don't care what those people think of me. I ain't ever going to see them again and I certainly won't be seeing the BTB or GTB. Twit, well that will always be the problem.
You realize that your SD will
You realize that your SD will always be a part of the package and you know "Twit will always be the problem".
This is most of the battle. Hand in there!
Wedding invite
You guys never received an invitation, in the mail, so you were not invited...end of story. If your DH wants to discuss this lack of invitation in more detail he should be talking to his grandson, not Twit. Twit is in no position to be issuing invites to any wedding but her own. The rest of this story is just Twit creating drama and hoping you will fall for it. This Twit person seems get a lot of enjoyment out of watching people turn into human pretzels when they try to satisfy her ever changing demands. You moved many miles to get away from this nonsense, so I hope you just put this out of your mind and don’t discuss it any further. Have fun in Vegas!
Good luck with that.
Good luck with that.
No matter how obvious my SD's slights and manipulations were, my husband always excused it away. It was never anything more than, "she forgot," or blaming BM.
My husband is willing to lie
My husband is willing to lie for them to cover up the horrible acts they do not only to me, but to others (including himself), as well. Quite often the truth comes out too, fortunately. Karma is real. He has an alternative world he lives in with them, and thank goodness it will never include me again; it never did anyway, lol. I am not going to be any part of their sickness again; it was like getting food poisoning over and over, until I realized there is nothing here for me to possibly work with... I am finished playing this foolish bs game of theirs. Never again for me...This is an illness without a cure or antidote for enmeshed guilty men, it appears.
As I am getting ready to have
As I am getting ready to have THE discussion with DH (no haven't done it yet but probably tomorrow) I happen to be writing my notes of things I am going to cover and as I wrote down how Twit always tells DH something but leaves a lot of the details out.
Case in point when she told him that it was going to be a small wedding with only people close to the bride and groom. Okay, who would think anything of that, sounds like family would be invited etc,m at least that is what DH thought. I, on the other hand, have been aware of Twit talk for awhile so when I told DH that we were not going to be invited he poo pooed me.
Well, turns out I was right. Twit will say things like that leaving out IMPORTANT points so she can go back later and claim she never said it. But the actuality, since what she spouted was really only a half truth, was that it was still a whole lie.
It is almost as though she sets one up for something and then you later find that your legs have been knocked out from underneath you when you find out the whole truth of what she meant.
If she does this to her other siblings and BM, I totally understand why they have nothing or as little as possible to do with her.
Oh, well, just something that crossed my mind that I need to explain to DH.
Ah yes, the employment of
Ah yes, the employment of plausability. A disordered person's favorite tool. Just enough info, taking advantage of a normal person's abiltiy to fill in the blanks. They count on this little human quirk and exploit it.
Well, conversation had,
Well, conversation had, outcome as expected. He just doesn't get it. When I tried to point out how vague she was on this, and on other things, his response was: Well, that's what she said. It is like he takes what she says at face value, as you would a normal person, but Twit is not normal. She couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it.
The only clue I got from him in that he might understand was when I said that "we" aren't getting the whole story about things with her. DH commented that we never do. Yet, at the same time he takes what she says as real. Go figure because I can't.
We leave for Vegas next Tuesday, THE WEDDING (of the century in Twit's mind) is the following Saturday.
Here is another example of Twit and her hubby's BS. Guess DH was told by her it was going to be a small wedding etc., that even her husband's family, with the exception of his favorite sister, were not going to be invited. WELL, seems that DH talked to Twit sometime in the last few days and VOILA, seems ALL the other family WAS invited, they are all sending gifts though only the favoriate sister is going to attend.
And YES, I did tell him I didn't give a ratz arse about it and not to talk to me about anything Twit has to say because it is only meant to try to hurt.....you know, the ole you aren't going, weren't going to be invited carp BUT look everyone else was. Typical Twit BS and I just don't need it.
Oh, DH and I sent the couple
Oh, DH and I sent the couple out a Wedding card today. No check, no gift, NADDA. DH was about to write a check, and he could if he wanted to, but I told him we weren't attending of the wedding festivities. To whiche he responded that, well, we were somewhat invited. I just raised my eyebrow and commented that he he thought that was an invitation his thinking was way beyond me but it was up to him. He ruminiated on that awhile and then decided not to send a check with the card.
It was his choice. He knows. I used Twit's own words when I told DH the card was fine....in the words of Twit "it's the thought that counts".
"we were somewhat invited."
"we were somewhat invited."
Somewhat invited??? Yeah no, too much yo yo drama and games. Either you're invited to a wedding or not, it's not that hard.
Invited?
SDM, Did either you or your DH actually SEE an invitation? I mean one that was sent to you in the mail? A wedding is not like a family dinner where you just call people up to invite them. If you never received an actual card from the 'lucky couple', that it stated they wanted your presence at their wedding there is nothing to verify the fact that you were invited. For all you know, Twit could TELL you that you were invited, then when you arrived at the wedding tell you she can't remember inviting you. Another thing - Twit shouldn't be the person who invites anyone to the wedding. You should have received the invitation from the bride and groom. After all, "-- it's the thought that counts."
Glad you told DH you don't want to discuss Twit anymore. It's not worth your time.
You know Sandye, after all
You know Sandye, after all the drama about this I don't remember us ever being sent a real invitation. I know I got pot and pan catalogs from Twit so we could buy thing for the bride....which we didn't. THAT probably pizzed Twit off more than anything because she couldn't make a buck off of us.
Like you once said, keeping this wedding stuff straight requires a flow chart of some kind and it just isn't worth it.
I did tell DH that no more about Twit. The wedding is going to be over, we are going to Vegas, she can't get ahold of you so that is that. AND, I am not going to put up with Twit's next round of drama, whatever that might be that she is the "victim" of. I am so tired of hearing how everyone is taking advantage of her, tryng to steal from her, poor her Drunkie is a drunk, etc.
I pointed out to DH that not once in all those messages she left on the answering machine did she ever start out with a Hi, how are you all doing. What is going on with you etc. It was always a pouring out of grievances etc. and gossip about other family members.
Makes me think of the time she was crabbing that she wouldn't be able to collect social security until she was at least 70. I told her that was not true and she argued with me a bit. I finally asked her where she got her info and she told me that she "was told that by a friend." I couldn't help myself when I responded to her that she needed to get more informed friends because that wasn't true. f looks could have killed I would have been dead on the spot. Sorry, I just can't stand stupidity and those that spout it.
No Sandye, we never actually
No Sandye, we never actually got an invitation from the bride and groom. Everything goes through Twit.
My tax dollars spent millions making the GTB into a man when he enlisted in the Marines. Five years later, when he gets out, Twit works hard and very dilligently to undo it all. To make him back into MaMa Twit's creature....helpless, she has to do laundry, mail out his packages for him, balance his checkbook, etc. AND let's everyone know about how put upon she is to have to do all this.
What a waste of taxpayer money.
No Invitation
You mentioned in another post that invitations were sent out to people you know. Yet you didn't receive one. If Twit is really serious about including you and DH in the wedding, and since she is the one who sent out the invitations (still can't get my head around that!), you should have received one in the mail. There is nothing to back up Twit's verbal invitation. If DH still has concerns about going to the wedding, this one fact is verification that the 'invitation' is not sincere.
Twit is working really hard to create confusion so DH starts back-peddling. He's desperate so he continues to bring you into the discussion to use as a scape goat for his decision to go to Las Vegas instead of the wedding. He's going to have to make it on his own.
The fog of confusion is
The fog of confusion is always hanging over us when dealing with Twit. First you cannot be sure of what she says as she is always so vague about whatever she is saying and keeps it that way. Secondly, you can't believe what she says as most of the time it is made up or flat out lies.
She is working overtime to put DH in a fog so that she can get him back under control. He waffles....hell, she puts a lot of effort in it and it is tough to sort out the chaff from the wheat.
It just occured to me, while packing, that she uses a lot of the same techniquies on him that she uses on her babies and hubby to keep them in check. They, however, are far easier to control than DH because I am in her way. And nothing, nothing upsets Twit more than not getting her way and what she wants whie stirring the pot.
Yes, she sent invites to her sister and apparently her hubby's brothers and one sister. The other sister of his was a go all along because Twit likes her. Translation, she puts up with Twit and Twit feels superior around her because she has a menial job and doesn't make a lot of $$ therefore Twit can tolerate her. Also because she is her hubby's favorite sister.
It is a control thing with crazy Twit. She must be able to control those she deals with or she sees them as enemies. I mean there is definately something wrong with a person who cannot hold down a normal job for more than a few months at the most.
So what's your plan now? Now
So what's your plan now? Now you know your husband is still buying it after all these years How are you going to deal with him and what boundaries are you needing to put in place in light of this new enlightenment of your hubby?
good question and right now I
good question and right now I have no answer. I mean we move across the country to get away from her, he most certainly doesn't want to have to live with her....he did for awhile and that didn't work out well as even he had problems with crazy.
I'm kind of down right now about this. She cannot, repeat, cannot keep dragging her carp into our lives. She has totally ruined her "babies. One is a bonafide alcoholic (and I suspect drugs go along with that though DH says not); the other is HUGE with long hair and beard....looks like big foot, and the 3rd is the one getting married and I foresee lots of problems for the couple mainly with keeping Twit out of their business and lives.
As I told DH, Twit keeps them all under her thumb by making and keeping them dependent on her. SICK!
As a Mom myself, I can tell you that I cried the day after I dropped my daughter off at college; but it was a normal rite of passage...dealing with being an empty nester etc. But then I always encouraged her to be independent, probably because of being a single mom and doing things on my own after my divorce.
Makes me think about the time that my Dad (alive at the time) couldn't believe I was 62! He asked me when that happened as I just didn't seem that old to him (always Dad's little girl in their eyes). In a conversation years back that came up and Twit chimed in that her babies would always be 9 years old to her. She wasn't lying (probably one of the few times) when she said that.
I hope you have a nice break
I hope you have a nice break in Las Vegas.
I might be inclined to forget to take DH phone with you so Twit can not cause more drama while you are away.