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I am brand new and need to vent

about4towalk6away's picture

I found this forum and it is such a RELIEF  to finally know that I am not alone.  I need a place to vent desperately.  I was starting to think I was going crazy after living in dysfunction for 3 years.  I am dating a wonderful man with 2 grown daughters 30 and 32, and grandkids, one of which is a teenage stepdaughter who just had a baby at 15. I can't have kids of my own and so when he and I got together I very naively was so excited about the possibility of "having some kids around". Boy was I WRONG!!   

My BF SO passed away 9 years ago.  He lived in the same town as his oldest daughter (we have moved since then because I put my foot down and bought a house & he went with me) in the house that they lived in where the daughters were.  The grandkids were down the street from his house and walked into his house any time they want. He and I both work in education, full time jobs.  He is a hard worker, working from 5:30 in the morning to 6 at night. 

When I first came into the family, the younger daughter (the 30 year old) latched onto me.  She acted like she was this good, kind woman who really loved me and wanted me around. She would buy presents for me, come to my duplex to visit, and volunteer to help me out.  Until you get to know her, you think she is funny and charming person.  It turns out she is a cunning, manipulative, selfish, drama queen who cannot see past herself and is trying to break us up and was using me to get her way with anything she wanted from her dad.  I could not see it for 2 years.  She has used everything I say against me, told me ugly stories about my BF and to my BF using examples of things she knows are concerns to both of us in a relationship, to try to break us up.

She talks about their mother all the time--"this is how my mother would have done it" to try to guilt trip her dad into doing whatever she wants. She is right about that, her mother SPOILED her and my BF would be in trouble if he disagreed with her.  She will send pictures of the GK when they were babies to my BF, before she calls him to ask for money.  When she was with her ex-husband, she would call my BF anytime her ex told her no on buying something, begging and crying how her "babies need it and N--- won't get it for them," so my BF would give them the money.  She complained to my BF that I am taking "him away from them."  When I would go visit my family (to get a break from them!!!), she would plant doubts in my BF's mind about my faithfulness and that it was odd I wouldn't want to be with them an a holiday (the holiday was Veteran's Day), maybe I was cheating on him.  Her ex-husband would stand by my BF and told my BF that it is because "she doesn't want my BF to get with anybody."  She said we weren't with them enough and yet, there was a month in there where they were at his house EVERY day but 2 DAYS, staying up till 12 and 1 every night.  We both work and were exhausted, and I couldn't get to know him very well with them around, because they took up his attention.  They also would talk about their mother to him instead of talk to me. When she started working, she "fell in love" with her manager as a good person for her dad "to be with."  She would talk about how L---- was just like her mom, made jokes like her mom, and she would talk about how when something good happened she "told L-- and L-- was excited for her!"  When she had a birthday party for her kid, it was like she couldn't function until L--- got there.  L--- never showed up, and then she asked me to help her.  Come to find out, L---- is happily married!  I am still uncomfortable because I feel like she would introduce my BF to someone if she were ever able to get the chance.  A while ago she told my BF the best dancing at a certain club is on WED night and he should go.  My BF is not really into that anyway, but she kept emphasizing WED.  That's when I'm not around because she knows I have a prior obligation on WED nights.  Well, if I'm not there who would he dance with?  She has a boyfriend so she would dance with the boyfriend.   Then when we take precautions because of that, they have told me "we feel like you don't trust us with our dad."  Well, I wonder why?

Meanwhile the teenage granddaughter ( who is the 32 year old daughter's kid) who just had a baby is just like her aunt.  The younger daughter is very jealous of her niece.  Apparently her mother spoiled her youngest daughter and then when the granddaughter came along, started spoiling her instead. The younger daughter can't stand to be replaced.  She is always putting the g-daughter down, and when something bad happens with her she calls and overexaggerates the situation, making my BF scared. 

Before we lived together, my BF would come over to my house sometimes and be SO depressed, saying he found it "hard to be a single parent." I walked in later on this same daughter banshee SCREAMING at her dad.  It was abusive.  I could hear it all the way out in the street.  He was sitting there with a bowed head, just taking it.  She was mad at her niece for getting anything she wants with my BF after she disobeys her mom.  She said and I quote "I can't stand that you spoil M---- and I can't stand her!"   When I went in the door she changed her tune to something she knew I would like to hear, to get on her side.  Of course when I wouldn't take her side, she started accusing my BF of "hitting her" when she was younger.  He started crying and saying he hadn't done that, and begged me to believe him.  He admitted to me that she has come over and screamed at him often.   I was the voice of reason, and took care of the situation, and then the younger daughter acted like nothing had ever happened, and gave us a casual "sorry" as she left the house.   She thinks it's weird I don't call her dad "a special pet name,"  when the truth is I have many "special pet names" for BF, I just don't use them around her.  She has complained because she has no time with her dad anymore, and yet, she complains why I am not there when she does spend time alone with her dad.   We have given them birthday gifts at parties, and while she will openly thank her mother's side of the family, she will not thank us.   They do not do ANYTHING for my BF's birthday, yet they all go out to eat at Olive Garden to celebrate their deceased mom's birthday, which they then expect my BF to pay for. He finally told them he wouldn't after he met me. 

When my BF leaves me alone with the younger daughter, that's when she starts to give me advice on our relationship.  (She has an ex-husband)  I have learned not to be alone with her, EVER. 

Things came to a climax when my BF took her then-husband and grandson ought for "guy time" at the lake.  I see no problem with "guy time," but she does (when I mentioned it to her once she just glared at me.)  She found a way to go out there and took her two girls.  She answered her dad's phone because she was closest to it when I called, and I was confused.  What was she doing there, this was "guy time"? She got angry with me.  When my BF got back, he was mad with me and told me we better have a talk.  I talked to her, and she accused me of "being with her dad for the money."  (I have settlement from a wreck so I have way more money than he ever does!) She wanted to know how we would split up the will when her dad passed away. (My BF and I hadn't even talked about that at the time, it wasn't my business!)  I was devastated and called my best friend crying after that.  How DARE she????  She told me so many things and showed me her true side then. 

I have been accused of "following them" when all I did was go over to their house to get a telephone number, AFTER they told me I could stop by any time I wanted. The older daughter tried to question me to trap me into saying I was dating around with many different guys, which is what happened with her ex-husband so she thinks it happens to everybody.  After her daughter got pregnant and left home to live with another grandmother, the older daughter though has come to her senses.  She has a full time job now, told her dad she just wants him to happy, gets along with me, tries to not be too intrusive, will get off the phone and call back if she knows we are busy, and calls just to talk to her father about things that happen, instead of asking him for money.  My heart no longer beats fast with anxiety when she calls.  She has tried to talk sense into her sister, but the sister won't listen.   

After a while, we decided both that we would move to a different town but still stay close to our jobs.  About that time, I started trying to get help and decided to disengage from her.  I was losing myself trying to be everything the younger daughter wanted.  I used to have hobbies, friends, and many things that bring me happiness, and I was losing them all trying to make her happy, and still it was not enough. My BF also decided that he wasn't going to be on Facebook any more (they spill about losing their mother all the time on FB and try to get sympathy because they know their dad will read it, and they get quite a LOT of sympathy).  I got accused of taking him off that, but I was glad he did it.

When we moved, my BF decided to sell his house.  I bought the house we are staying in while his house sells.  I think it is unwise to co mingle anything until you are married, so the house is in my name, and I bought it with my own money.  When that happened, the daughter told us she wanted my BF to GIVE her his house.  My BF told her NO.  My BF was talking to someone at one of the grandkid's basketball games, and she cornered me.  She told me she wanted to know whose decision it was to sell the house and not give it to her.  I told her it was OUR decision & it was what HE wanted to do.  She said my BF said it was me so she wanted all of us to sit down and have a talk and figure out who was lying.  She told me her mom would have given them the house, that her dad had promised to give it to them when they were kids, and he wasn't keeping his promise.  She said he promised to give it to the grandkids.  She said she had no place to live (she had just moved into a nice new government-funded apartment on welfare).  She said I was taking him away from them.  I told her that if it was my parents, I would be happy for them.  She then said something that has hurt me the most out of everything.  She said "See, you are not a parent, so you do not understand!"  I am not a parent, but just because you are a parent doesn't make you a good one. 

After we moved, she has nothing to do with me.  My BF says that when it just him and her, they have a normal conversation.  When I'm around, she won't hardly talk to either of us, and she makes me feel like dirt because she ignores me and exacts like I don't exist.   I have disengaged a lot, and yet I find myself still grieving because of her. I find myself behaving like an abused survivor. Why do I still DO THAT??? Now that she divorced her husband, she is with this guy who believes everything she says & goes along with her.  He asked my BF once "so where is your bologna girl?"  talking about me, and the daughter laughed. My BF couldn't do it at the time because it was in the middle of a public event, but he did go to their house and confronted him and had them apologize over that.  She wanted us to eat out with her boyfriend's parents on her birthday, so we went ahead and did.  Her boyfriend's mom told her that "there is such a thing as being courteous."  and I wanted to say "In this family we don't know what courteous means," but still I bit my lip, and said NOTHING.  Am I doing the right thing?  Or do I speak up? I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore!! 

Last Christmas, she sent him an angry text asking him why he was ignoring her text asking him for money.  He had decided to not give her any more money.  She has turned down several full time jobs and then cried "wolf" on not having enough money, so we decided we would not give her money any more.  He has used almost all of his savings funding her.  She sent him a text accusing him of many things, of being a liar, that she had finally found a good, godly boyfriend who would take care of her, that many things were not okay, etc etc.   This time he texted her and said that "I love you, but NO.  I will not be the family ATM any more."  She is mad and is only speaking to him when she has to now, or to keep up appearances so that people won't think she is the one being mean to him, yet there are times when she needs something, like going to her birthday party, and texts him and acts like nothing is wrong.  Sometimes I wish people could see her true UGLY self, not the happy masquerade self that I am see. 

My BF has told me in the past that he had a really good marriage, but he has recently admitted to me that there were things about his marriage that were "hard," but he could not admit them to me at first because he felt guilty of talking about his dead wife's memory.  He told me that his deceased wife's side of the family was filled with drama, and they were mean to him and would make fun of him.  They accused him of killing her, when she passed away of cancer.  He also had to go over there all the time and be with them because that's where she wanted to go. Friends of his have told me he had to do whatever she wanted or face the consequences.  He truly acts sometimes like he has never had a choice with making a decision. I was raised where you make decisions together.  He gives in to me too easily sometimes, when really I want to know what he really likes.  If I ask him a question, sometimes he acts like he is in trouble, when really, I just am asking him because I am trying to get to know him.  His deceased wife was a very jealous person and they split up over it for a while.  I have heard that when they got married his family was not for their marriage at all, and they got married really quickly, so most of his family didn't come.  I have met his brothers and sisters and they love me, we got along great.  His extended family is really a sweet, quiet, family.  They are very happy for him.  The best I can figure out is it comes from the deceased wife's side of the family.  I am not trying to say anything bad about the deceased, I just can't help but wonder what all my BF has gone through in his first marriage. 

The advice I got was to "try to understand where they were coming from since they have lost their mother and just be the bigger person".  For 3 years I have tried really hard to understand their pain. But I DON'T understand their hurting others.  I come from a kind family with very little drama who have lost loved ones close to them and in my heart I know this is not how a family is supposed to function.  Grief is NOT an excuse to HURT other people.  I've tried really hard to get along with them.  I have spent days with them, spent my hard-earned $$$ on them, and treated them as my own, taken them on vacation, bit my tongue when they were rude, and nothing was ever good enough for them. I have gone to the grandkid's sports games 3 times a week, listen to them talk about their mother for hours, bought them name-brand clothes for birthday parties because they want the perfect gifts, let them come over whenever they went at the expense of time with my BF, given up time with my family to spend with them knowing they really didn't want me around, let my BF have alone time with them, and it still has not been enough. 

You are probably asking, where is my BF in all of this?  At first when I met him, he was just trying to survive losing a spouse and being a single parent to his daughter.  He fell for the younger daughter's manipulation and she had him wrapped around her little finger.  He gave her everything she wanted to avoid being screamed at and to avoid the guilt-trip.  She also knew how to flatter him into agreeing with her.  He has loaned her over $5000.  $1200 were to start divorcing the ex-husband, AFTER which she went back to him.  Then she decided she was really going to divorce him for real and my BF gave her another $700! 

As he begin to fall in love with me, he started realizing that I don't "use" him to get anything I want, I am independent and do not live off of other people, can support myself, that there is more to love than guilt-tripping and manipulation.  As we have worked through stuff together, and I have held my ground , he is better at saying "no" and standing his ground and keeping boundaries.  He has stood up SO many times to both daughters on my behalf.  Recently he told the younger daughter that she was just going to have to get used to him being with me and accept it.  Now that he is in a pretty stable environment and is away from triggers, he is a happy person who can make his own decisions. However, when we have to go be with his kids, which is quite often, old things come back and sometimes rear their UGLY heads and then I feel like we are starting all over again.   Sometimes I feel like a counselor. 

And then sometimes, like Rhett Butler, I feel like "Frankly my dear, I don't give a ------." 

Things are so much better than they used to be, but still little things creep in every once in a while and it makes me anxious. Now I am starting to wonder if maybe I am excusing my BF's behavior.  He suggested a few months ago that maybe if his daughter and I "just talked" we could "get along."  I've talked to her TWO times already and things still haven't changed. I was expecting him to be protective and say "NO, I do not want you to ever have a talk with her."  Today we were talking about her yet again.  He is mad with her because she wouldn't take a job offer despite her boyfriend having no job, she is working hardly no hours at the 1 job she has, is on welfare and unemployment.  He told me that probably the reason why she hasn't called during the quarantine is "because she thinks you don't want her to call me, so she doesn't call."  When he said that, I lost it. I feel like he should have said "she is not calling because she is a selfish person and she is not getting her way, so she is mad about it."   Am I over reacting and just being picky with words?  Or is this really a deep-seated issue that hasn't been dealt with, only on the surface because I have demanded it??

What should I do?  Is there a way to make this better?  Sometimes I am so afraid of the younger daughter that I am paralyzed with fear because she is so manipulative and believable that I don't know what she is capable of doing to ruin me?   Is there something I can do to handle the daughter better and protect myself?  Am I over reacting?   If you have experience please help!  

Survivingstephell's picture

Welcome.  Weekends can be slow so hang on.  Read thru the Adult skid forum this weekend.  You will learn alot!  You situation sounds typical, grown daughters worried about daddy's money and assets.  No is a sentence and she sounds like she never heard it before let alone accepted it as it applies to her.  

I don't think you are overreacting.  Find the threads by Shesdrivingmecrazy   What a story!  There are others too.   

Kes's picture

These two adult daughters sound like a nightmare.   I'm not really sure why your DH talks about the difficulties of being a single parent, as his daughters were adults when his wife died?    They are master manipulators and if you want to stay in this marriage (I'm not sure I could hack it personally) I would put VERY strong boundaries in place and limit contact with them, as they sound repugnant.    

2Tired4Drama's picture

You have been sucked into a vortex and need to extricate yourself.  Go to the section, "Disengagement" and read those posts from many who have been there, and then learn how to do it yourself.

Good luck!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This sounds like a lot of drama and as the other poster said, it's kind of wierd that he identifies as a "single parent" when they are adults and were when the wife died. I think you are dealing with an enmeshment situation. It's good to be close to your kids but this is a lot of drama from 2 women in their 30s. I have never dealt with adult skids but i'm an adult child and the relationship you describe between him and the daughters does not sound normal. Please take care of your mental health and focus your energy on you, your relationship, and away from these women. 

about4towalk6away's picture

Thank you all for reading the very long post and taking the time to comment.  It was a wake up call for me to read your comments.  I really appreciate your help.  You are right, I have been sucked into a vortex.  I have started reading the articles on disengagement and I realize that while I thought I was disengaging, I wasn't really.  The reason I have been trying and trying was because I don't want to be the "evil GF" who keeps my BF from his family.  I do want him to have relationships with his kids, but I want the relationships to be healthy ones.  And in a way, as crazy as it sounds, I guess I care for his kids and the grandkids pull on my heartstrings.  I also felt guilty and selfish for wanting to do things with him apart from his kids.  Thank you for confirming this is not normal!   I have been reading about enmeshment and this is exactly what I'm dealing with. 

I finally feel like I can have a voice!  What a relief! After reading the disengaging articles I have decided to stop all discussion of them and act like they no longer exist to me.  Some little things have already changed for the better.  Yesterday we talked about our relationship and some hobbies we would like to do, instead of venting about the younger daughter the whole night.  I have already set some boundaries.  Since we are cohabitating because of our ages I have been concerned if something happened to him, that his K would lie and say we were married, & try to go after my money as they know I have a lot of it.  We don't have joint assets, we have separate names on our bank accounts, but I told him I am going to talk to a lawyer just to be sure & protect myself.  He has assured me his kids would NEVER do that.  I am not so sure.  He did say he wanted to protect me so he agreed with doing that.

I still wish in some ways he could be more empathetic.  He won't say it but I feel like he seems to think that BF and GF should just suck it up because that is the way the family is & to some extent it is our fault that we just don't accept things the way they are.  But maybe he feels that way because that is the way he handles things. I told him about what a relief steptalk is and he quickly let me know that his family "is not like the families on there," which I didn't really appreciate.

I know it's not going to be easy and we are going to have setbacks, but at least there's something I can do, and I have a lifeline to go to get help with support and encouragement!! Thank you!! I wish I had joined step talk sooner!! 

2Tired4Drama's picture

And get your estate planning in order.  Do NOT under any circumstances think that his kids will be reasonable if he dies before you do.  They will cause strife before his body is cold.  I sincerely hope that the home you are living in is yours.   If it isn't, you should be looking at a potential escape plan as they could easily kick you out the day he dies.  I've seen it happen. 

And if you should die before him and you want to leave him something, you may want to set up a limited trust that is only good during his lifetime.  Otherwise if you leave him assets and then he dies, your assets will ultimately go to these useless skids.  

I'd rather have my money go to my extended family or my favorite charities.  

Miss T's picture

... be sure to make him sign an ironclad pre-nup that ensures your property remains yours to do with what you will. I said ironclad because apparently some courts are fiddling with pre-nups. Do your homework to find the best lawyer you can afford to draft it. Marriage does have some legal benefits, but the way it commingles assets is decidedly NOT one of them.

You mention that you are cohabiting. Please consult with an attorney and if needs be ensure that your jurisdiction will never consider your property to be community property. 

Oh, and don't discuss or even mention Steptalk to your beloved, ever again. Sharing everything with your soulmate and blah blah blah is all well and dandy, but always bear in mind your recent unfortunate discovery: Sometimes it's best to keep your own counsel.

Miss T's picture

... to learn that I am not the only woman bitter, cynical, bloody-minded and just plain nasty enough to think that I know best how to disposition what I have spent a lifetime scrabbling to accumulate.

Really, thank you for this.

Rags's picture

Welcome,  I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.

Now... STOP FACILITATING THE TOXIC STEW OF THIS SHALLOW AND POLLUTED GENE POOL!!!!

You "have" to visit with your DH's toxic spawn?  No... you don't. And neither does he.  It is time for YOU to sit DH down and give him the direct and clear message that it is long past time for him to grow a set of balls and become a man.  Most importantly that you will not live the rest of your life with a neutered baby as a husband.  Point out each and every toxic move the progeny of his and the thankfully deceased BM polluted couplings created and inform him that there is another move on the horizon that will put HIM and you out of reach of that toxic shit storm of a family.  Not one more penny goes to those toxic money grubbing Harpies.  Not one dime of money to "Daddy, hep me, hep me" bullshit.  I would set the new norm of B-day and Holiday gifts as a card with a $5 bill in it and nothing more. For his daughters and any GSkids.  

It is long past time for DH to end the worship of his toxic, manipulative mean assed thankfully dead wife.  Good riddance to that shit show of a bitch from hell. His daughters need clarity on just how much of a evil POS their mother was and Daddy needs to be the one to give them clarity.

I get the whole "When you marry you marry the family." thing.  But, evil toxic people have no place in the lives of decent people regardless who the toxic assholes are genetically speaking.

Time for clarity for DH and zero tolerance for his toxic crotch pukes.  No need to be domineering about it like his worm food first wife was.  Just be confident and let him know that  your husband will be confident as well.   Work the plan together and make rubbing the noses of his bitch daughters in the stinky spot on the carpet of their crappy lives your joint hobby. Learn to immediately shut down any toxic, abusive, manipulative crap with "Shut up! You will not speak to my Husband/Wife that way and one more word out of you and you are disowned." 

Immediately draft new Wills leaving $1 to the shit show of a youngest SD with a clear statement that her abuse of her father is why she gets nothing more.  Update the Will as their behaviors dictate leaving everything to a favorite cousin/niece/nephew or charity.  Even if that toxic Harpy walks on water, talks directly to God and earns a halo she still gets only $1 because of her historic crap and demonstrated complete lack of character and honor. 

Your post was one very long read.  But... it was enthralling as a slow motion train wreck is enthralling and I could not stop reading it. smh

Wow, I have no idea how anyone would tolerate this crap from anyone. Even their own  children.

Good luck with this shit show.

Take care of you.

about4towalk6away's picture

and getting our estates in order per your advice. The house is mine, deed, title, mortgage, bills, insurance, everything is only in my name.  We have done a good job with not co mingling since we are not married yet.  I am going to make sure that the kids have no access or need to come into my home should anything ever happen.   For 3 days now we have finally had peace.  He brought up some YD drama once. I just grunted and moved on to another topic. Already picking back up some old hobbies and talking to some friends!! *biggrin*

To Rags: My hats off to you sir and much respect for laying it on the line. I took your advice & it is saving our relationship. When I suggested leaving $1 for the YD in his will with an explanation, for the first time I can see his manhood coming back to him.  He's already thought of a hard-working decent young man who is not related but is like a son to him and watches out for us, to be executor & inherit his retirement instead of the SK. He came up with that for gkids to inherit even a dime they have to meet certain requirements (work a full time job etc), be a certain age, the executor has to approve them & gets to decide how much they get.  We are changing bday & Christmas gifting.  I know there's crap in the future, but if we can work it together like we're doing now, life will be easier.  Planning our next vacation already and he's always dreamed of moving to a lake 6 hours away. Now that he has been released of guilt for not having to be there for his ADULT kids since they lost their mother, this will happen much sooner than expected! Thank you, sir!

Rags's picture

Applause to you and your DH.

I have no BKs.  My wife and I are each others beneficiaries and whichever of us survives the other is the sole heir and beneficiary. If we do-decease it all goes into trust for our son (My former SS-27 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.) until he either completes a Bachelor's degree from an accredited college or university or turns 40  whichever is first. My dad and my brother are our co-executors.

He really is a good man in his own right.  This Will was set up when he was still quite young and designed to keep any of our assets out of the hands of the SpermClan had something happened to my wife and I.  He just finished year 9 in the USAF.  His mom and I are very proud of him.

Enjoy your newly energized life journey with your DH.

cmwolfe1264's picture

My husband and I have been married for 21 years, he has 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls.  I have been through all that you have been through and more with my SDs and one of my SS.  My husband was not a widower but I always had to listen to how great their Mom was, all the frickin' time.  I have also been told what could I possibly know about childrearing because I was loser and never had any children. 

Truthfully it never gets better and once they have their own children they use them as pawns against their parent.  Honestly, my best advice would be to end your relationship and move on because the love you have for your BF is nor will ever be enough to overcome the pain and conflict caused my his children.  When I was a teenager and didn't know much in life I vowed never to marry a divorced man.  Obviously, I knew more than I thought. 

I try to stay away from the SKs and their drama and I definitely never think about them if I can help it.  Now I am struggling to navigate the step-grandkids relationships since their parents are using them as pawns yet again.  Ugh it seriously never ends.

Rags's picture

Oh, the you have never spawned so you couldn't possibly know anything about childrearing, blah, blah, blah....

No, I may not have spawned but I sure can recognize the result of shitty parenting when I see it.  Unlike many shitty breeders who are commited to continuously wearing their rose colored glasses, ignoring the toxic behaviors of their spawn and who doom the species with the results of their failed parenting efforts.