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I actually was invited to something!

SacrificialLamb's picture

I have not posted in a long time because things have been going well.  Disengagement rocks! My DH and I have not had an argument in a very long time over his kids behavior.  I have not seen OSD in 3.5 years. I do see YSD from time to time and we have a polite, but not close, relationship.

Today is April 9, and we just received an invitation to the grandson’s first communion. It is on April 28.  Two and half weeks away, and we just found out about it? 

But my name was on the envelope too! Can you believe it??

It is 12 hours away. And flying into The Holy Land is already expensive, especially 2.5 weeks away.

I think the invitation is because she doesn’t expect us to go, but does want DH to send a check.

DH will be there two weeks later for a visit anyway, and we already have plans on April 28. I have a feeling that won't matter.  When DH didn’t go to OSD's confirmation years ago (she converted to marry her DH), OSD was mad at DH for 3 months, even though she told him at first NOT to go.

So who knows how this will pan out. This may be the perfect opportunity for OSD to morph into victim again. 

And including me on the invite is nothing more than showing her dad how nice she is.  "See, it's all SM's fault. I even invited her to the first communion (even though I knew you guys wouldn't come)."




somethingwicked's picture

Glad you are doing well, Lamby! Disengagement DOES rock!

Don't forget to sign the card  your DH sends with a modest gift as you were included in the thoughtful  "invite" .

The holy sacrament is not about a huge gift grab.Maybe OSD will more appreciate the sentiment of religious spirituality from her father and (evil) SM if the appropriate First Holy Communion card is not accompanied by an obscene  amount of cash in check form .


Yeah, strike that last statement. You know you can't change a leopard's spots.



2Tired4Drama's picture

Disengagement is a more peaceful place to be, that's for sure.  But as you are discovering, the skids can still easily insert themselves when least expected and set up a scene for conflict.  I've certainly experienced it myself.  

I would tell your DH that the best plan appears to be to send gskid a card and a "reasonable" check commensurate for the occasion, and include in the card a note to the gskid saying, "DH will be in town on XXX date and can't wait to see you then!"

Should be fairly easy.  Makes no sense to buy another ticket (even just for DH alone) to fly for a kid's communion when he's going to be there two weeks later.  I understand the religious significance of first communion but IMO it's not the kind of thing that someone should fly cross country for.  If DH does it for this event, how will he be able to draw the line?  Will he be expected to fly in for every event the kid has?  Nip it in the bud now.  


Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think you know what's what and who's who.

This is just a backhanded gesture, a case of a skid doing the minimum so they can a) get $$ and b) use it for ammo in the future. But since it's a formal invite, I'd follow form and pay it the lip service it deserves.

Hopefully when your DH visits OSD, he'll chatter about how much fun you two had at your previous commitment and call out OSD on giving so little notice.


SacrificialLamb's picture

And c) show her friends evidence of how awful her father and SM are by not coming to sgkids first communion.  I am aware that she has badmouthed me to her friends.  This gives the poor long suffering OSD proof that she can complain about.  "Look! All the grandparents are here but my dad! Can you believe he wouldn't come to his own grandchild's first communion???!!!" 

I guess that's the same thing as ammo, huh?

Exjuliemccoy's picture


You can't control the lies she spreads, but your DH should make it clear to her that it's her fault, she didnt send the invite in a timely manner. He should chide her for being so inconsiderate as to expect him to pay for basically back to back trips.

How I wish men knew how to play this game of Perception Spin: Information Wars even just a little. All he has to do is complain a bit to everyone in the family circle about how disappointed you and he were that you werent given sufficient notice; that you tried but airfare at such a late date was sooo expensive; and that it's a shame OSD wasn't more organized since a visit had already been planned for only two weeks later. Sometimes being a smidge dramatic when planting seeds of truth pays better dividends than taking the high road. Even going on social media asking for hacks and tips on cheap airfare because you got a last minute invitation might be worth it.

sandye21's picture

"I think the invitation is because she doesn’t expect us to go, but does want DH to send a check."  You nailed it.  One side benefit to disengagement is as time goes on, and you are no longer in the thick of the drama, you gain clarity.  It's been over 8 years since I've seen SD.  When I look back on her behavior now things are much more clear.  Now DH couldn't gaslight about SD's intentions if he tried real hard.  LOL

Ispofacto's picture

Send a modest gift instead of a check.  Pick it out yourself, let SD enjoy your taste in whatever.


shellpell's picture

I agree with this. Send a nice rosary. You can even get them personalized these days.

Thumper's picture

Flying into the Holy Land...........

Very funny.

Ask them to "Video Chat" the service for you two. Kinda like how BM's would insist on skyping or Face timing with kids all the time. This way IF they refuse,,they look like mean people.

Really though, that is the least they can do considering the distance to the "Holy Land"...



Thumper's picture

Hey here is an idea...OFFER to give money to the church. Priest can offer the mass in Honor of her Baptism.?

That falls in line with the religious aspects of the day and its meaning. Then your not sending money OR a gift they may huff and puff about.




notasm3's picture

You beat me to this.  That was my first thought on sending a check.  Not to the grand but to the church.

Dovina's picture

I am going against all the disengagement, and usually I am for it. Go looking fabulous, you can do it. Your OSD is in so much competition with you. Let her see you in real time. The meltdowns will be worth any moments on being uncomfortable. I would never steer you wrong Smile

Rags's picture

Absolutely!!   Attend looking radiant.  Get a great appropriate outfit at a favorite boutique, hit the spa or a facial, mani, pedi, schedule a make over, hit the hair salon for a great flattering style.

OP should be on her DH's arm radiating contentment and happiness.   

Cockroaches scurry for dark corners when a light is thrown on in a roach filled room.  OP should be the light. The roaches will scurry.  For the rare roach that does not, she and DH should step on the roach in real time by confronting their toxic behavior.

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture

Now I'll admit I don't know a great deal about Catholicism, but I assume this is a date picked by the parents and the clergy (like when the bar/bat mitzvah will occur is determined between the parents, the student, and the Rabbi). Why wouldn't your OSD pick this occur to when she knows DH will be out there visiting anyway in 2 weeks? Why not pick a date when she knows grandpa will be there, which I assume she has probably known for more than a month when he was planning on visiting her and her family? Maybe mention to DH, "What a shame OSD didn't plan this event for when she knew you'd be in town and could easily enjoy it with them... and we told her x weeks/months ago when you'd be there." 

Seriously... how selfish can she be?!

SacrificialLamb's picture

All of the kids have first communion together. The parents all know the date well in advance since the kids go to classes for months ahead of time.  So the question becomes when DH called OSD to inquire about dates to visit, why didn't she suggest that the gskid would have first communion that weekend? If she forgot, which could happen, why didn't she let DH know as soon as she realized, rather than send an invitation 2.5 weeks ahead of time?

This OSD had a meltdown when DH didn't go to her 2-year old's dance recital, so she is likely going to be unhappy when she finds out he is not coming.

Dovina's picture

Its the case of you are damned if you do, or damned if you dont. My previous advice was more a half joking thing, as she knows you will not go, and turn this against you. And yes the late invite was planned ,  she looks good sending one, and by being late her msg is you really dont matter, and if you truly cannot make it because of other plans she can still whine how you didnt come. SIGH

Stick to what has been working for you!!

CANYOUHELP's picture

The only real peace is away from people like this; it is unlikely your SD has changed and this is just another one of her hidden agendas to carry on her sick jealousy. I doubt seriously this is actually an olive branch....

SacrificialLamb's picture


Last night DH tried to call OSD to tell her that given the short notice, he already had two other commitments that day. She didn't answer the phone (of course) so he left a voicemail. He also mentioned celebrating when he is there two weekends later.

No response from OSD, and that clued me in on why he got this late invitation. OSD LOVES the game of cat and mouse, trying to get her father to chase her and then snubbing him. DH had grown weary of calling her with no replies (her form of punishing him for defending his wife).  She knew he wouldn't come, and the invitation would get him calling again, and then she could resume her punishment.

DH also texted YSD asking her if she had received an invitation to sgson's communion. She said she didn't know; she hadn't checked her mail in a long time.

What a bunch of crock. YSD is sgson's godmother; she had to have known when the communion was scheduled. These two middle-aged sisters are united in their deceptiveness.

CANYOUHELP's picture

As I suspected, just another of her hidden agendas, a dadeeee's test for her love, over his marriage.

Just thrilled your DH is supporting you and giving the credit you deserve as his wife!

Rags's picture

If they look like dogs, smell like dogs, bark like dogs, sniff each other's butts like dogs, and eat shit like dogs... they must be dogs.  The pack mentality is additional confirmation that .... they are dogs.

Time to call animal control and to send DH to how to train your dogs classes.