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Husband going on vacation with grown daughter...not me, his wife of 2 years

FigNewton's picture

I have been married two years to a man with 5 grown children. My relationships with each one of them is very different but can be summed up by saying that our interactions are awkward and they continue to be disrespectful, unthoughtful and rude to me. But I am writing today to ask for advice on a particular tough situation that I am dealing with. My husband had always "promised" to take his daughter on a vacation to a particular place. His ex-wife would never agree to a family vacation to this particular place, so they never went. Now his daughter is in her mid-20s and married and next week going on that vacation...just the two of them. Mind you, my husband and I aren't going on vacation this year. Nope. Just his daughter and him are going on the vacation. From the minute they started planning this, I expressed my disappointment and frustration to him about this vacation. It didn't matter. His fatherly guilt about promises unfilled were more valuable to him that my feelings. And truly if I knew that this trip would erase all of his fatherly guilt, then I would be packing his suitcase for him. But I know that isn't going to happen. His fatherly guilt will return on the plane with him. He gave her a good childhood, he gave her an expensive wedding, he has been a good dad. But honestly, she is a married working grown woman going on vacation (that he is paying for) with her father. And my husband, although he says he understands where I am coming from, is still going on this trip. It's like he could never stand up to his ex-wife about this trip but he has no problem disrepecting my feelings. He keeps saying he is sorry that I am hurting but it doesn't matter...I am still hurting.

stormabruin's picture

The way I understood it, the kids are all grown. This daughter is married, so there wouldn't be a CO.

Disneyfan's picture

I posted on the wrong thread,thought I was responding to the summer break thread.

I tried to delete it but could not. Sorry OP

keeponstriving's picture

Yes. The father daughter vacation together sounds incestuous. Are father and daughter sharing a room together? Sounds similar to my SO and his daughter (DSO). DSO was already married, and she would go to her father's house (my SO) to take a bath in her father's master bathroom and hang her clothes in her father's closet. My SO could not see anything wrong with how perverted and incestuous it all appeared to me. Thank God I had-have my own place to go home.

smdh's picture

I agree. I would be upset that I wasn't getting a vacation, but that is seperate from him taking his daughter. I do think she should be paying for her portion, though. She is an adult. I went on vacation with just my dad in my mid-twenties.

keeponstriving's picture

It is perverted and not natural. Daughter should be sharing a room with her husband only. Wife or significant other should be sharing a room with father only.

sunnyside's picture

FigNewton, I am so sorry. I, too, would be incredibly hurt by this. I also wonder what SD's husband thinks of this. Were you told that you are not welcome on this trip? Ot are you just not able to get away at this time? I think this is incredibly strange....
BTW, I disagree strongly with Danger_Kitty's analysis.

stepmisery's picture

I tend to agree with Danger Kitty tho. If they have been dreaming and planning this for years, it's sweet that they finally get to do it. Presumably Dad also keeps whatever promises he made with his other kids and isn't favoring this one blatantly over the others. This probably shouldn't become a regular practice but a once-in-a-lifetime special kind of thing.

Fig doesn't mention why she and her husband are not taking a vacation, just wonder what precludes that from happening?

tweetybird74's picture

I do not see the problem here? He promised his daughter to take her on a particular trip. He is taking her. My Dh and SS just went on a trip by themselves recently, they also did the same last year. Went on a vacation just the two of them. Maybe you are more upset that you and DH are not going on a trip than the fact that he is taking her on one? Can't you and DH take a trip some where?

keeponstriving's picture

Father and son going on vacation together, is NOT the same as father and daughter going on vacation together. The question of incest does not immediately come to mind when father and son go on vacation together.

I wish my SO had chosen his son over his daughter in which to invest all his resources and affection. Of course the perfect scenarion would be if SO could be more balanced and fair in his approach to his children without obviously favoring his daughter. However SO is not fair to his children and treats his son like a stepchild and treats his daughter like a princess. Recently I told SO, his princess has grown into a Queen, and he (her father) is her King. He needs to figure out how to handle her because she is now out of control, entitled royalty at age 32 yo.

Disneyfan's picture

This occurs often on the disney planning forum I belong to.

There's a member now planning a trip to WDW with her dad and sister. Both women are marriede with kids. Both husbands are staying home with the kids while the sisters go on vacation with their dad. It's something they wanted to do as kids but the parents couldn't afford it.

Another member and her sister took their mom to WDW and posted the video on youtube. (Mom had completed chemo a few months prior) I tear up each time I watch that video.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I think the unfair part, and the area you have a right to be upset about, is that the two of you are NOT going on vacation at all this year. If that's because your DH paying for her (an adult) is cutting into your vacation budget and therfore not permitting a vacation for the two of you together, then I would have a real problem with it.

Have the other 4 adult kids had "special" vacations with dad? Like maybe the guys have gone on a fishing or sporting trip with dad? If so, then I do agree that he should do for this daughter what he has done for the others.

In fairness, I must admit that there were a few brief travel adventures I had alone with my dad that I consider very special memories - all the moreso because I was an adult, and our interactions/conversations were much different than when I was a small kid and on vacation with him.

On the other hand, your DH knows this trip is making you feel left out and hurting your feelings, but he feels compelled to do it nonetheless. Has he made any kind of initiative to "make it up" by giving the two of you a special weekend away, make your next vacation extra special to a place YOU really want to go to, etc.? If not, then I think he needs to work on that.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

IMO, if your DH promised his daughter this trip years before you came along I can understand him keeping his word. I would also be upset if my DH did this and did not a) take me or b) plan on taking me somewhere later.

But if either is not the case I would take off of work and go on my own vacation with some girl friends or family. If he complained I would do it anyway. If I could afford a nice vacation somewhere where I wanted to go I would. If not, I would try to find some family, even distant family that I could visit and have a good time.

I would also ask him if this is the last trip he is going to go on with his children (without me) while paying for everything. I would clear the air concerning this subject asap! Let him know your expectations, that you expect to be included from here on out, etc.

just tired's picture

^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS!

So what if he promised her a trip to this spot???? Why are YOU being left behind?

No way in hell would I put up with that. It's peculiar to the point of skeezing me out.

Mommy0f2's picture

Because she wants a father daughter trip... Where she can have conversations with her dad w/o his wife listening in... They do have a separate relationship. Its just plain insecurity on your end. I hang out with my Dad without my Mom being there and they're married. I most certainly would nit have wanted my dads wife around even i want some quality time with him (hypothetically).. You get your husband everyday... Whyas soon as his daughter wants to spend time with him you suddenly think she would have a "desire" to invite yo...? You just said you don't desire to attend her events so why would she go out of her way to include you in a trip with HER dad.. She's not planning a romantic getaway for you and DH, she's planning a parent child trip.

3familiesIn1's picture

Sounds like you need to plan a girls weekend away - grab a friend or two, fly somewhere nice, turn off your cellphone and enjoy.

He already got a vacation, twisted or not, you should get one too.

Kmart56's picture

Oh my gosh, I can't hardly believe I am reading this. I would be so upset over this. Then people wonder why stepparents might feel jealous of their SK. I know kind of what you are feeling. I was upset a couple of weeks ago because my SO SD called and asked him to take her out to breakfast so that they could talk and she is 18 and single. I could NOT go though and your situation is MUCH worse. I feel that this will just continue to bother you, even in years to come. Do you have any children of your own that you could take on vacation? Maybe this would be an idea. That seems to be very disrespectful of your SO, along with the SD. It hurts and makes anger build inside. Good luck with your issues.

Delilah's picture

I think there is nothing wrong with making a promise to your children (grown or not) to take a dream trip that *they* always wanted to go and then fulfilling that promise ...BUT there is a problem if that trip causes problems in your relationship because a) as a result of your DH funding the entire trip you are unable to take a couples vacation yourself...why can't sd fund part of the trip herself? She IS an adult and frankly if she can afford it then she should be contributing to it. This then sends out the message to your wife that she is not as important as your grown dd, this really will NOT help your DD's and DW's relationship nor your own with DW. I would be seriously PISSED if my DH told me that *our* vacation was cancelled for the year because he needed to fulfil his promise to his adult married daughter. Sorry, that is unacceptable! b) neither you nor SD's DH were invited or included in the trip...that is incrediblt rude and disrespectful, more so given you are foregoing your own vacation so sd can go instead!

It seems this promise was made before sd married and before you and DH married, so circumstances have changed. This doesnt necessarily mean the promise should be shelved, however it does mean the arrangements should be tweaked and in all honesty I would support my DH's promise ONLY IF I was given equal consideration as DH's DD. Its good manners to consider and treat others with respect. Personally I would hope your DH would have discussed this trip with you, without laying down the law. He would ensure he could afford a trip with you, even if it was on a tight budget. I would hope he would ask SD to contribute to ensure he could have that trip with you and would without question invite you and SD's DH (on the proviso that SD DH pays for himself should he wish to go).

The problem and disrespect lies in the fact it seems none of this has been considered and THAT would be something I couldnt condone.

Are you able to afford a trip yourself? Personally I would be withdrawing from a partner who hurt me like that. Translating that through avoiding his children/family occasions, any situations where they act disrespectfully and make me feel awkward (after all your DH doesnt care if his behaviour hurts you, so why are you sacrificing your self respect anf happiness to ensure you meet your commitments to him and make him happy by engaging with his children? Time to prioritise yourself, just like DH is doing). Planning things which make me happy with friends and family, generally having less time for my DH if it suited me. Separating our finances to ensure that should DH decide to do something like this again, I would be able to afford fun things to do with my friends. I also think its clear from his treatment of you, that you need to ensure you have strong relationships with your own friends and family, making sure you have a network of people YOU can rely on and go away with because its evident that you cannot rely on DH to fulfil your needs. So its up to you, to make sure you have fallbacks in order to be happy!

FigNewton's picture

Wow. Thank you for all the feedback. Allow me to clarify some of the issues brought up. First, there isn’t anything incestuous about their relationship. She is the only daughter of the five kids so of course she is going to have a special relationship with her father. The “owing” of the trip and his fatherly guilt are due to the fact that he wasn’t around much when his kids were growing up because he worked 2-3 jobs at a time for financial reasons. They would go on a family vacation once a year and it was always to the beach. He and his daughter share a love of nature and always wanted to go see a National Park. His ex ONLY wanted to go to the beach so that is where they went for 25 years. The promise of the trip to a National Park was made long before I got involved in the picture. Second, I was invited to go (as was her husband) but as one of the posts mentioned, that would not be a vacation for me. It would be a week of awkwardness. I do have girlfriends coming to town while they are gone and we are going to have a girls week. We do have the finances to be able to afford to go on a vacation at some point but have not made the plans yet. And lastly, why I am hurting is because he did decide to put this “IOU” above my feelings. He normally puts my feelings first so this is all kind of new to me.

I appreciate the person who wrote that I should appreciate the fact that he is making due on a promise. That is a positive way to approach this, and one that I have not thought of.

I think I just need to drink some Skinny Girl Margaritas with my girlfriends next week, be thankful I am not on vacation with my stepdaughter and start planning a trip with my husband. Thanks to all.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I think it would depend on the relationships involved. Is he overly attentive to his daughter? Does he put your needs aside for his DD on a regular basis? Do you feel like an outsider when DD and your DH are in your company? If you answered yes to any of these the vacation would be a sore spot and I wouldn't be happy about it all. Just because he made the plans years ago, doesn't mean circumstances can't change. It sounds like it is all a little too late anyway - trying to re-capture a moment in time that has long passed. I also agree with the posters who stated exclusion is not the way for a spouse to treat another. no matter how easy going you will be when they leave, I think a small twinge of being left out is inevitable. Enjoy your time and good luck.

sandye21's picture

Ask her Husband and the grandkids to come over while they are on vacation. What's the difference? I wonder how that would go over with Daddy and SD!

jennaspace's picture

What's wrong with them going on vacation together? I think it would be leaving you out if her H came but they are fulfilling a promise made long ago. I gladly let my H go on vacation alone to see his daughter and her H. I would gladly let them go on vacation together as I think skids and DH need time alone.

Did you let DH know you want vacation time together too?

I don't understand the icky comments. My H. is very normal and I wouldn't mind if he did this.

jennaspace's picture

Just saw your post! I'm a lover of the national Parks too and just finished a vacation where I got several stamps in my passport book! It would kill me as a nature lover to only be able to go to the beach (love that too). I totally get that promise.

I think people relate differently. Groups of people (even 2 couples) can seem very tiring to me, whereas I really prefer one on one. That is why I try to encourage my DH to spend one on one time with his kids. I feel they all need it, though I'm beginning to realize some people are uncomfortable with being one on one.

Regardless, I offer my H to go out with skids one on one (esp now that I'm disengaged). After all I came in the picture when kids were adults, they need time alone IMO.

When my child is grown, I would want alone time with my son if my H died and I remarried. That's just me maybe, idk.

Since they invited you and her DH, they are doubly innocent (though I don't think it was necessary).

ybarra357's picture

"I feel like she is his mistress and they have these little secrets... and I hate it! "

Yeah that DOES make sense. I mean, think about it, for the most part, when a person cheats on their SO's they act all sneaky on phone calls and where they've been, giving money behind their spouses backs. Dayum, it is totally like a mistress, the explanation fits perfectly!

ownedbypedro's picture

OY!!! Your story about your husband wanting to bring the grandkids on your camping trip reminds me (and I am probably repeating a story I've already shared but it will stick in my craw forEVER...)

The ONE TIME we were EVER doing anything special for my birthday - Dh said "why don't we do something for your birthday - anything you want." So I decided I wanted to go to this place called the Farm Sanctuary ( and okay, he was home on my actual birthday which happened to be a Saturday.

We were getting ready to leave - I was literally in the bathroom brushing my hair, ready to head out the door...and the phone rings. It is his PUKE of a son. Wants a babysitter so he can go out with his wife.

So...while I'm in the bathroom, dh AGREES to babysit - without consulting me. Comes in and says to me some version of "won't it be fun to take grandkid to Farm Sanctuary with us."

UMMMMMMM.........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Nobody went to Farm Sanctuary that day. (I have later been by myself and with friends). We stayed home and dh babysat his grandbrat. I had to make it a grilled cheese sandwich because that was the only thing it would eat at the time and dh can't cook.

And so it went like this for our ENTIRE married life until I got the hell out of Dodge and I will be divorced in a couple of months.

bond92's picture

It is very difficult situation but you need to talk with good friend.

cpreston's picture

My sister took my Dad to Italy… she paid for the plane tickets and the hotel accommodations for the entire trip… it’s something my Dad always wanted to do and it’s what she could afford and she wanted to be there with him

She did extend the invitation for us to go… gave the itinerary and arrangements and said “it’ll cost $xxx if you want to come along, I can make the arrangements thru the travel agent”

My other sister and I couldn’t afford it, and my Dad offered to pay for my step-mom to go along, and she said “this is a nice father-daughter thing for you guys” so she didn’t go

I never thought of any of it as strange, incestuous, creepy or anything like that

(the three of us are, admittedly “daddy’s girls” and I just thought that it was a nice gesture that my sister could give my pop a trip that he always wished he could take)

Orange County Ca's picture

Disneyland or Jamaica?

"Incest is best" they say. But frankly I doubt it or you would have mentioned other signs. If this is a one time deal I think its a little immature on both of their parts but can't make a big deal out of it.

Beware of people on this site who regularly incide WW III in situations like this although I am NOT pointing any fingers at anyone who has or will post. Just a generic warning - some people are very unhappy in their roll as step and want everyone else to joing them.

trystme's picture

What's weird is how some posters jump to incest with no more evidence than the two of them spending time alone together. GEEZ

chickadee1444's picture

This sounds like soemthing my H would do.Your husbnad is being unfair to you in my shold be included.Too bad he's doing this out of guilt.

lucy51's picture

Just a different perspective. I always loved it when my husband went to spend time with his daughter and her family. It meant I didn't have to spend several days being tense and he had a good time visiting. I encouraged those visits because I got time to myself as well. If I had been along, I would've been assigned babysitting...I know this is different from taking a trip together, but not so very different. I think I would've been fine with it.

jennaspace's picture

That's just how I feel. My DH wants to go to visit his family now that I've disengaged and it's like I have the day off. Especially if he brings my son. My son gets time with his half bro & sis and gma and I get a day off w/o stepping into the scapegoat role or the cone of icy silence Smile

lucy51's picture

Sometimes I think that posters here default into jealousy and hate a little too easily. The suggestion that father and daughter have a perverse relationship seems way over the top to me. It's true that my steps have made my life a living hell since my husband died. And when I reflect over the 20 years, I recall lots of snide and mean remarks. Those slid off my back most of the time because I knew how much my husband loved me and I felt protected, for the most part, by his love. But then again, I didn't raise stepkids; they were already adults when they came into my life. I hope I'm not offending anyone. Sometimes I wish people would take a deep breath before posting. I don't learn much from scalding anger. I have too much of that in my life right now with my steps.

sandye21's picture

I agree with your post that DH going on a vacation with SD might be of a benefit. My DH can go visit SD anytime he wants.

You are very lucky that your DH supported you and 'protected' your dignity. I think the problem arises when our DHs leave us to protect ourselves while we are recieving those snide, mean remarks and disrespectful behavior from both SKIDs and DH. When we are so outnumbered it leaves us feeling as if we are up in a tree with a snake pit below. It makes it a lot harder to let this abuse slide off of your back. As the years go by you get to the point where you hate to be around these people. Imagine how you would feel if your SKIDs had behaved the way they are now when you were married, and you were NOT protected by your DH. I have never been jealous of my SD. But I refuse to be a doormat, allow SD's insults to slide off my back, then watch her walk away, smiling with the satifaction of slamming SM again. I guess it is all how you view it. I don't see it as hate, I see it as a reclaimation of self-respect.

lucy51's picture

I apologize for what may have seemed an insulting post. The truth is that I can't even imagine wanting to be around either of them for the rest of my life. They are both bullies and I am tired of being a victim. That's why I decided to go to court. I'm standing up for myself. But, since my husband's death I've been reviewing the past and I realize that I regret a lot of my behaviors. My stepson often blew up at my granddaughter in front of others, usually during a meal. It made me sick to my stomach, but I waited for a cue from my husband and got nothing. I think that my husband was afraid of both of his children. Not that fear excuses his lack of action.

I'm sorry again and I well understand the need to rant when no one gives us any respect. Please forgive me.

TinyMontgomery's picture

Anyone can pull a diagnosis out of the DSM V and spin it. For you to sit in judgement of anyone else household with your tips on what a Father./Husband and Wife/Mother should be is crazy.

emotionaly beat up's picture

We all make promises, and we all, well most of us do our utmost to keep those promises. However, things change and sometimes we cannot keep those promises. The day his daughter got married should have been enough for him not to keep that promise, the day he married you there should have been no question of him not keeping that promise. She is a married woman now, and he has re married. He needed to tell his daughter, things change, we cannot go on holiday now, we are both married people, so go to the hardware store, buy a bag of concrete, swallow it and harden up, is what he should have said to his daughter if she could not grab the concept of marriage.

jennaspace's picture

I would love to have a son/mother trip or daughter/mother trip when my kid(hopefully kids) are grown. I don't know why this would be seen as incestuous.

I have no problem with my DH going on a vacation alone with his daughter. He should take you on one if you want to go. Why can't you go on a separate vacation?

I am a big advocate for one on one time. They've had a history together since sd was born. It's really nice to be able to spend this time together.

He should take you on one too of course.

emotionaly beat up's picture

If he goes ahead with this trip. Do not sit at home alone waiting for him. Show him you are an independent woman and go on a trip yourself. You can go alone, you can go with someone else. You can go with a group. But please. go.

godess-clueless's picture

He set the standard of keeping promises made years ago. Follow his lead in the matter. Time for you to book that trip you promised yourself you would want to go on many years ago. Remember that cruise, or what ever trip you never took? Book it now, It will probably cost as much as his and the adult SD's vacation. Instead of sitting home and feeling bad you will be enjoying yourself also.

TinyMontgomery's picture

Stumbled upon this as I was looking for some ideas for travel adventures with my 12 y/o duaghter. What a bunch of crap all this is. This guy goes on ONE trip with his daughter, of which the circumstances are barely known, and I read things about how insectual it appears? What a bunch of psycho basal jealous BS! Let them go on their trip ,live their own lives and deal with your household and marriage and don't air out your petty jealousies on a web site. Why in the hell do you feel any need to be threatened by his KIDS! Sounds like a you problem not a them problem. To all the bleeding hearts on hear that find something wrong with this go live your own F'n lives and stop meddling like a bunch of gossiping Glendas. Love your Husband, don't turn every action in to a slight against you and trust each other with confidence. You married the man knowing he had a prior marriage with children. You should have doen a whole lot more soul searching if you thought that any of that would bother you. Not really being honest with him or yourself. It makes me so mad tinking of this poor guy probably innocently living up to a promise to his daughter, I mean you only get one chance in life, and he's being bashed by the majority of you because his Wife went behind his back to find solace in a website forum of a bunch of like minded strangers. What is this world coming to? :?

sandye21's picture

The closest word I found to insectual is 'insectival': "pertaining to, or resembling an insect." The closest thing I could find on the Intenet was the article 'Bug Beings and Mantis Men'. But then, when I think of the habits of the Praying Mantis, there ARE certain similarities when it comes to SD and DH. They DO bite off their heads, don't they? LOL

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

LOL. You can get off your soap box now. Thanks for the advice, we were managing quite well without your holier than thou input.

71smurfs's picture

lets see you always feel like second best no matter what you do. you not got a good friend go on holiday the day he is due back leave him a note saying my friend invited me didn't want to spoil your holiday by bringing it up see you in a week. then go have a good time might make him think twice.