This is such good advice.  Most of us have gone through similar experiences with our skids who want to drive a wedge between our spouses and us.  The best thing I did was to join this site.  Another was to see a therapist, on my own, who helped me to gain the self-confidence and courage to let both DH and SD know the 'game' was over - no more B.S.

Disengage now.  The next time SD visits give DH the option of informing SD that she is to respect you as his wife in your home or you will.  Otherwise, if he brings her up, say something like, "Hmm" and change the subject.  Let him know with your actions and lack of dialog about SD that you are not interested in trying to make her like you anymore.  SD did you a favor by 'unfriending' you.  Make sure you block her so she has no access to anything that has to do with you.  Dispose of the picture with BM.

The main thing is to believe that you are right - you are being treated badly and SD is being catty.  You have a right to feel comfortable in your own home.  Stand your ground.

I’m new here, and I so appreciate having a place to vent and people who can relate to my challenges.  I met my partner 5 years ago.  At the time his son was 17 and his daughter was 16.  My daughter was 11.  His son lived with him and his daughter lived with BM.  

When we met, his son was estranged from BM, and had been for several years.  His daughter was very close to BM and had been left in the dark as to why her brother and BM couldn’t get along.  I think the family thought they were protecting her, but it caused a huge divide between her and her brother as she would always defend BM and side with her.  

I never expected to have a deep connection with either of them.  I had never dated anyone with kids before so now, looking back, I can see how naive I was.   

For the first 3 1/2 years, I only saw them on the weekends.  Most weekends went well, and we all got along great.   Holidays were with our families combined, and everything went well.  I developed relationships with both of his kids and he developed one with my daughter.  Even our mothers became close.   

At this point, I felt closer to his son.  He would call me often during the week.  I was his go to when it came to problem solving and lending an ear.  In addition to the issues with BM, he also had school issues and anger issue.  I’m a licensed adolescent  therapist so helping him came easily to me.  He ended up graduating high school and going on to a technical school and graduating with honors.  It was so amazing to watch him beat the odds and make it, as when I came into the picture, there was so much worry that he wouldn’t.  

Due to a very messy and financially draining divorce and child support situation on my partner’s side, we had to wait to live together.   It took a long time to get his credit right and to be in a good place to buy a house and do things the right way.   Then finally it happened about 18 months ago.  We were so happy!!!

His daughter’s eyes had been opened up about BM prior to our move and she came to the new house as well. At the time we moved in, his son was 21, his daughter was 20 and my daughter was 15.  

My partner was working second and third shift (as he had to do for almost two decades) and I was holding down the fort.  Their parents had divorced when they were 8 and 9 and I divorced when my daughter was 10, so it had been a long time since any of them had real family dinners.   

At this time BM had moved down south and had little contact with her son and moderate contact with her daughter.   I was still the one building his son up and the one his daughter would vent to about BM, which can be a slippery slope.   Within 3 months of moving in, his daughter decided she had had enough of BM and started to distance herself.  I think she hoped it would bridge the distance between her and her brother, but it didn’t.  He can be very mean and cutting and their arguments were getting increasingly combative.   I talked to their Dad, and we decided we were in a good financial place and it was time for him to go to first shift.   He was able to change his shift fairly quickly, and things became calmer at night.  There was still a distance between his kids, but the fights had stopped.  

Then, the small arguments began with his son and I.  Because he had lived with his father since he was 13 and his father wasn’t home due to work, he ruled the roost, and didn’t know how to adapt to sharing a house.  It started off with things like not telling me he wasn’t going to be home for dinner (this kid can eat, so I make double of what he likes).   The first major disagreement was about a year ago and we didn’t talk for a few days.  His pattern is to sulk and withdraw and then come around again.  Our disagreements have become more frequent and still are about his lack of respect for the other people in this house.  

Our last issue was about a month ago.  He was complaining about my daughter being in the bathroom when he got Home from work.  I have had enough and I got angry as he thinks everything revolves around him.   I left and went to my room as I knew I was getting heated.  We haven’t spoken since.  He missed our annual Mother’s Day breakfast with his grandmothers and didn’t acknowledge my birthday.  He hadn’t been staying here either.  Only popping in occasionally to get clothes.  

His Dad is a very passive man and while I know he is aware his son has issues, he has also had to protect him as nothing has ever come easy for this kid.  The odds were always stacked against him, and I believe his Dad carries a great deal of guilt because of this, and allows him to walk all over him.  

He told my daughter in passing that he’s looking to move out, but since he told her that (about a week ago) he’s been here every night.  I honestly have a knot in my stomach as even though he doesn’t spend time upstairs or eat with us anymore, his presence is stressful.  I want to hide in my room all night which isn’t fair to the 2 girls as they want to spend time with me.  

I believe my partner wants to help, but doesn’t know how and so this continues.  When I try to bring it up he says he doesn’t know what his son’s problem is and that he’s a big boy and he can be on his own, but I know the love he has for him and my concern is that he will resent me if his son does leave. 

I started seeing a therapist myself as I feel trapped and I don’t know what to do.   My partner withdraws when we talk about it so it creates distance with us, I would appreciate any advice.  

"She thinks it's ridiculous me saying she hurt my feelings sending pics of his Ex because she did Not do it to be disrespectful!!!!"  Yeah, right!  And I have some property on the Island of Hawaii I'll sell to you real cheap.

Ask DH what you do 'specifically' to make SD feel you do not treat her as well as your BD, that your do not want her there.  Then ask him what he would have thought if your BD sent him pictures of your ex.  I was accused of all sorts of vague 'slights' until I asked DH to be specific.

As a DH with a DW that is unable/unwilling to stand up to her son and his disrespect of me, our marriage, and of her, I can say that it’s a bio parent problem. 

I here “It’s just going to take time” every time we get into one of those discussions about “the situation”. It doesn’t matter how much time passes. The kids won’t change and neither will the parent. 

Disengagement is the only possible way around this. For me it’s very unnatural and it is VERY hard. There will be all sorts of things to trip you up and expect that your spouse will become resentful. It’s “normal” and it all sucks. What you need to do is reclaim your sense of self and sanity. Then figure out if there is enough good in your marriage to continue. 

One thing you may need to decide is if you are OK with your spouse never having your back. 

I do hate the feelings I have toward them; they are feelings I feel for nobody else.  Honestly, I have never had any other people in my life treat me this way either, personally or professionally; for the first few years my feelings were is shock, I believe. My husband transformed into a bipolar personality, as well. Eventually I awakened  from my dream life  to face the sick reality.  That is why I have to stay away from them. I turned into a stressed, silent,  expendable spare part whenever I used to be around them. Why would I waste my time around people like that?   I will never like those feelings I have, but I know that I am not that person any other place in my life. Such feelings, I believe, should guide your action and next positive steps.  They are signals.  I still hate the situation, but I am much happier now and accepted my life without all the unneeded drama.

Its unnatural and totally against everything I believe in and how I was raised. It makes it incredibly more difficult because you have to change who you are instead of grow as a person or couple. I struggle with having separate lives between my wife and I whenever she sees her kids. I don’t know if this will ever work, so I have no sense of security in my marriage.