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How to politely keep my distance and discourage dh's intrusive "step"daughter?

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Dh has a daughter he considers like a stepdaugher from a former relationship. Him and his ex gf dated from the time she was a baby up until age 5. They broke up and his "SD" recontacted him at age 15. In foster care. At 18 she became pregnant. Said she was giving the baby up for adoption-ended up keeping baby. She was supposed to make an appt but didn't and ended up losing her home (had something to do with her foster situation). Asked to stay with us, supposedly so she wouldn't lose her kid. Dh wanted to, gave me these reasons...her "needing to save money" even though she worked (how could she save money if she has to commute like that, and I told dh she could pick up more hours), she "wouldn't need to stay long" (first off I didn't buy that for a second and seconly even if it was true she wouldn't need to stay long then there wasn't much of a "need" to begin with, much less a dire one). I also let dh know that she should've followed through with giving the kid up for adoption if she wasn't prepared for motherhood. When the baby was still a newborn she wanted us to keep him overnight, which dh said no. When she wanted to stay with us, dh told me he told her we didn't have room. I found out that he'd messaged her and said that if it was just him he'd let her stay. Needless to say I felt very thrown under the bus.

She contacted me via messenger when she wanted to come see dh, saying she's his daughter (she's not by biology or even marriage) and can I let him know she's trying to get ahold of him? I felt very uncomfortable with her messaging me and it seemed pushy to me. I ignored the message even though I was able to see it, I didn't have to "accept" the message. She sent me some GIF for mothers day and tried to friend me. I blocked her.

This was AFTER her trying to stay with us so why in the WORLD would she try to contact and friend me? I detect something fishy but cannot pinpoint what.

Yesterday dh was looking for a ride to pick up a cheap dining room table. She pops on there and says she has one daddy waddy can have...dh said he already had the table picked up (after he posted) so she starts in on how she's gonna buy him one, AFTER poor dh is hinting that no we're ok but thank you!! 

I get a sense that she doesn't know proper boundaries but idk how to explain it to dh, because he's overly attached to her and vice versa, 

If she buys this at Christmas and drops it off, do I go in my room so she understands I am uncomfortable? Or stay and send her on her merry way after an hour?? I really don't want a relationship with her...trying to move in with us was a huge turnoff to wanting to get to know her on any level.

Survivingstephell's picture

That extra table might make a great outdoor table for your patio.  Let the weather rot it away if Dh can't find his balls.  

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

There is no patio, and it wouldn't do any good to say no to the table if dh insists in taking it. I hope she doesn't buy it.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Tell DH you do not want the table in YOUR home. If he gets angry. so be it. You have some say in your own home, the daughter does not control what goes in or out of your domain.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

How would you respond to the inevitable "she just wants to do something NICE that's so NICE of her" B.S.?  I don't understand why she's so attached to dh or what she's hoping to gain buy buying a stinking table. I don't understand either, why she was trying to friend me on fb or message me. I wish I knew how to discourage her or get dh to see how pushy she is.

CANYOUHELP's picture

No, I do not want the table in my house; I do not want her "being nice" to me. You can take the table and put it elsewhere, but it is not going in my home.  "Being nice" takes a lot more effort than sharing a table.  Neither of you need to insult my intelligence.

Rags's picture

There are some things that are personal.  For adults, one of those things is furniture.  It is your home.  You and DH decide what furniture goes in it.  

If you were young newly weds with nothing then gift furniture might be appropriate.

In this case it is just weird and smells fishy.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Agree completely! How should I respond to her if she shows up with it? I can't physically stop dh from accepting this table. It smells weird and fishy to me too...how should I explain that part to dh? Seems like something weird is going on with her here...can't quite put my finger on what. 

Rags's picture

I suggest that  you inform DH that you will not be accepting the gift table unless it fits your personal decor tastes.  Or better yet, just tell  him that it will not be in  your home.  If she shows  up with it, it goes in the garage until garbage day or you can call Salvation Army to come pick it up.

Do not deal with SD at all.  Inform your DH.

Miss T's picture

I had to threaten the garbage once to prevent unwanted food from being brought to a party in my home. DH whined and moaned when I told him I didn't want the contribution. Finally I said, Fine, let her bring it. I'll thank her politely and then take it straight out to the garbage. I would have done exactly that, and he knew it. He decided it would be preferable to phone the person and tell her not to bring the unwelcome contribution.

The moral of the story is, know your boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. You don't want the table, you don't accept it, and you certainly do not make a place for it in your home.

The thing is, once a person gives you something, that thing is yours and you're free to do with it what you will. In this regard I often think of a story about a woman who was widely known to be active in PETA, abhorred people wearing furs, etc. One Christmas her daughter-in-law gifted her a full-length mink coat. Meow. The PETA woman thanked her profusely, dripped gratitude, etc. She made sure the daughter-in-law found out when she sold the coat and donated the proceeds to PETA.

This sort of thing can be amusing for those who have the taste for it.

still learning's picture

It sounds like she wants to put a big chunk of furniture in your house to anchor her presence there. Something to remind *daddee* of how good and generous she is when she needs something from him.  She's grasping for family and DH is obliging her and she's reaching out to you.. If she was in a foster home she and her mother are probably not close and it sounds like her bio father had nothing to do with her.  DH feels special and needed by this young woman who he has a loose connection to.  

DH really needs to define what kind of relationship he wants with her and then set boundaries around that. She sounds very needy and looking for a father but does he really want/need that kind of relationship, or is this just a novelty for him that will wear off soon?  There are non bio related people I consider family, but distant, like cousins. If they ever started unloading theri crap on me they'd be demoted further down the family line Wink

If she does haul the table over and you hate it, let DH deal with it and tell her to haul it away. "It's lovely but we just don't have the room. Boo." 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Dh wants a relationship with her...he did seem to be trying to politely discourage her from buying it, and she kept insisting.  Dh won't tell her to haul it away...the best I can hope for is to hope to help wear the thing out sooner than later.  She wants to buy a new one to upgrade us fromt he used one dh picked up.  Trying to figure out how to act if she comes here and drops the thing off...I don't want to encourage her but if I act too cold-shouldered dh will paint me out to be the bad guy.  I'm guessing you are referring to the messaging and friending me with reaching out to me. What I don't get is why she would message me a 2nd time if I didn't accept the first message. AFTER trying to stay with us. Is she really so dense she can't comprehend the fact that trying to plant her and her kid (who she's since given up, and I want to tell her go spend her money on her kid) kind of turns me off to wanting to get to know her?  Maybe I should remind dh of that?  Other than the moving in thing, though, idk how to explain my uneasiness to dh cuz he doesn't see it as to why I don't desire a relationship with her. 

sammigirl's picture

You tell her "NO".  Do not wait, stop the table now! You have already been blamed, go for it.  You tell her, then tell DH you did it.  Just be civil, but FIRM.  It's better to be blamed, then to ask for permission; it is over, before the argument begins, then you can walk away from the argument.  You have it behind you.

I also tell my adult skids no, when DH  thinks he cannot.  I just forced DH to tell SS54 he could not come stay with us, a few days ago.  This was a first for me.  I decided it was DH's turn to say "NO ". 

Yes, I am to blame, I don't care, and I truly mean that.  

Also have them keep it out of your home entirely.  My DH is totally disabled, thus his adult kids come to visit, maybe three times a year.  I have no problem with their visits, I never host them in any way, but I never deny their visits; I never leave my home with that said.  If DH  was able, I would suggest they go out to visit, it is not the case.

Take control of the problem, it won't be solved by your DH.  

CANYOUHELP's picture

He's not being forced; you are......."they" are forcing YOU. Think about it, this will keep happening over and over --if you allow it. After a few times of being used by other people who do not like you or appreciate you being around (includes your DH); you realize YOU are all you have to protect yourself from this on-going bs. Be part of the solution.

Once DH throws us under the bus, from what I have learned; he and he alone ruins any hope of reuniting the family tree, 99 percent of the time.  I bet if you surveyed all the women here, you would find our DH's shared marital issues and talked trash to brats all too eager to hear it and share it-- about us at some point, then everything went downhill. DD gains power over the wife that she plans to never relinguish, at that point.  There is no turning back for us or DH.  Loyalty is everything in a family.

If DH has the nerve to bring that table in your house after you have told him no; call Goodwill for an immediate pick up. You might have to make husband angry to protect yourself....bottom line. He is not trying to please YOU, only his DD....DD has no say in your home and you have boundaries.  You would feel much differently if you had been treated/considered respected family from the get go. You need peace  and respect in your own home and DH can either respect that or go live with DD, whom he is more eager to please at this time.  DH needs the lesson more than DD.

Take the table and you will eventually regret it; a couch is coming in at Christmas....:-)

 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I asked how the previous poster forced her dh. I am very tempted to schedule a pickup for the thing if she brings it. Dh and I haven't discussed the table other than me telling him I think it's strange and he says how nice of her it is to do it. Idk how to explain to dh why I feel the way I do.

Rags's picture

You should not have to explain anything to your DH regarding this table.  Even if SD is just being nice what comes into your home is up to you. Both you and DH have VETO rights on the contents of the home and the one who says no trumps the one who says yes IMHO.

Do not let  this play out. End it now. Before the table shows  up. 

sandye21's picture

I would explain to DH that this is a 'b*tch dog' thing - marking their their territory - and you will not allow it in your house.  If DH allows it, you will have to take over and tell SD you would rather decorate your home as you want and she can do the same in her own home without any interference from you.  It is your right and as awful as it is sometimes we have to fight for our rights.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Sounds like the most plausible explanation...though why she's so intent on marking her territory when she's never lived with us and has visited the house a grand total of once is beyond me.

sandye21's picture

She is marking her territory by letting you know she is the alpha in your home and in her relationship with her Father .  I can guarantee she is not going to like it when you tell her "No" but you must let her know where her role is.  I had an acquaintance who did this to me once.  Came over to my home for an event and wanted to rearrange my furniture during the event.  I had to tell her more than once to please leave it alone before I had to raise my voice a bit to get the message across - that this was my home and she was infringing on my boundaries.  She was mad at me for a while but 'Oh well'!   Your SD might not like it either but she must know this will not work for you and this is your home.  Maintain your boundaries.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

How do I respond do dh when he goes on and on and howls about how niiiiice she's being? And how if I get rid of the thing (if she buys it) how her feelers are gonna be sooooo HURT if we get rid of it?

Winterglow's picture

Poit out that if she were truly just being nice she wouldn't buy something that she'd already been told you don't want/need. Then ask him why anyone would do such a thing. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Tell him what about your feelings and what you want, they count too. You don't want the d@mn table in your house so what is so difficult to understand. Stand firm and DO NOT allow this table in your home. You can't be afraid to say No. Next thing you know she's going to want to get you sofa's and a bedroom set......

Tell SD thanks but no thanks!

Firechild's picture

Ask him why he's so obsessed with an 18 year old who he hadn't seen for 10 years n isn't biologically related, nor marriage related? That's what I would ask him.. she's of legal age and they're not related in anyway.. it's really strange to me

Winterglow's picture

And then ask him what people, friends and family are going to think about an unrelated young nubile woman and her baby moving into your home. Hint: you'll be the main source of unpleasant gossip in all spheres for a loooong time. 

Miss T's picture

It is an old post. Note to self: Check dates before responding. Still, the fact that so many people are still clicking on this a couple of years after the original post indicates evergreen interest in the topic. 

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Tenn9lov's picture

I"m in a  very similar situation. Only DH adopted this one! Big mistake! He knew early on he and BM wouldn't last, but felt sorry/obligated to try and make it work and adopt this girl since he was there from very early on. Fast forward, she is now 24 yrs old. I call her the devil's spawn. She too got knocked up at 18. Of course she kept the baby! I think she thought DH was going to take her in, babysit ect. Instead, she moved into low income housing, met a guy and got knocked up again. Now she has 2 kids on welfare, living in low income housing. Early on it became very apparent to me that she was using DH. She never called without asking for something. Only it wasn't asking, "Dad, I need". It made me sick! I couldn't take it anymore. I started pointing things out to DH. (He was paying for her car insurance and cell phone bill even after she popped out the brats). DH was somewhat defensive at first, but this girl continued to dig her hole. After about a year DH saw what I had been trying to tell him and stopped paying for these things. From the beginning of my relationship with DH this girl has been a royal pain in the *ss. She is her mother's daughter for sure. She's a liar and a manipulator. Whenever we'd get together, she would make comments like, "You're my dad. The boys (her brats) need you dad. You are the boys dad now, since they don't have dad's"). She would practically sit  on DH dominating the conversation with facts about her mommy and reminiscing about "the old days". She is famous for "remember daddy"?  She did her best to drive a wedge between DH and myself. She spread lies about me and my children. She always played the innocent victim. I kept pointing these things out to DH. I knew DH could see it, he just wasn't ready to admit it. DH finally saw the light when this girl called him and asked him if he was planning on taking her out for her birthday dinner? (Remember she is 24 years old)! DH and I agreed to meet her at a local restaurant. Upon arrival, this girl was mad because DH made her drive 30 minutes to the restaurant! "Dad, why couldn't you have met me in my town"? Then she complained about how difficult it is to get 2 kids ready by herself. She complained that she is a single mother, she doesn't get a break ect. To my surprise, DH snapped. He laid it all out for her right then and there! Poor DD didn't like that! Immediately after dinner, she got on the phone. She told everyone what horrible people DH and I were. Of course she blamed me! This is when she decided to wage the war on me  (I could go on and on about the things she did to me, but you get the picture). Thing is, I didn't care what she said at this point. DH finally saw the light. He saw her for who she was! I played nice for about 2 months. I'd ask DH how she was and what she was up to ect.. All the while DD was spreading lies and rumors about me and trying to cause friction between DH and I. Then one day DD gave DH a Christmas present (she didn't get me anything). It was labeled, "To my dad". That was it! I had it! When we got home, I sat down with DH and explained that this girl was no longer going to be part of my life. I told him that I loved him very much, but that I could no longer be around her. I told DH that I didn't care if he adopted her, she was NEVER going to be anything to me! She was NEVER going to be our sons sister (we have a 2 year old together). I explained that she isn't "my people". I raised my kids to be strong, responsible, independent people. (I knew DH could understand this because he has a bio daughter (30) who is a strong, responsible, independent woman)! I explained to DH that I could no longer tolerate this girl. I told him that he must choose. It's either me or her! If he chose me, then DD isn't welcome at our home. She isn't welcome on holidays. No birthday parties or grand parent days with her brats! Nothing! I was done. I told him that I understood if he chose her, but I couldn't be apart of the sickness anymore. I wasn't going to subject our young child to her abuse. DH said he agreed with me and chose me and our son. I felt a great sense of relief. I tried for 4 years to make it work with this girl, but I knew that was never going to happen. She didn't want to make it work. All she wanted was to divide and destroy. I cut her off before she was able to do any further damage. She wanted daddy all to herself. Now, she is alone. I understand that not everyone is prepared to give their SO an ultimatum. I understand that not all situations call for something that drastic. However, boundaries must be set. These skids shouldn't be allowed to run the show. My husband married me! I am his partner! Not this girl.