How many chances are enough?
How many chances should a SM give the grown SKIDs before she declares the relationship a total loss? 100 . . . 3 . . . 1? Of course, the question is rhetorical. A SM should give as many chances as it takes if she truly wants a relationship with the SKIDs. She must be willing to turn the other cheek when disrespected and she must forgive the father when he thinks it's all no big deal when the SKIDs crush the SM's heart. Sooner or later, the SKIDs will mature and the blended family will solidify into something functional. Or will it?
Me? Well, I tried to build trust (notice I didn't say 'love') for about 1.5 years by taking an active interest in the SKID's lives and doing nice things for them. Is that long enough? I think so. After all, the SKIDs aren't young children. They have a vocabularly and at their ages they should know how to use their words to express their fears and insecurities about what the relationship between me and BF means to them. But they didn't. Instead, they behaved in disrespectful and passive-aggressive ways, which successfully alienated me and knocked all my willingness to keep trying right out of the relationship.
BF thinks I need to forgive and forget. They're just kids after all. Its hormones, right? Everybody else loves them. Why can't I just let it go? He admits his kids should apologize for their behavior, but acting like it never happened is the same thing as an apology, right? Why should he get involved to help soothe their insecurities and discipline their bad behavior? I and the SKIDs should work things out between ourselves because if he intervenes they'll just resent me even more.
What a load of caca de torro. Want to know the brutal truth? I never wanted kids of my own and I won't bore you with the list of reasons. That doesn't mean I hate kids. I was 'all in' with his kids until it became clear it would always be an uphill battle. No thank you. When the SKIDs are mature enough to understand that you cannot expect someone to stick around if you treat them badly, and they become willing to meet me on the adult playing field to build a relationship based on a mutual trust and respect (notice I didn't say 'love'), then and only then will I invest again.
In the meantime, BF will just have to figure out how best to split his time between my house and his. It will all be my fault in his eyes for a while and that's OK. He knows where the door is if he gets tired of it. Gawd forbid he actually 'lead'.
I generally don't give people
I generally don't give people two chances to treat me poorly. In the case of "family" (skids), I might give a second chance, but that would be it, no more after that, unless signficant remorse and change is shown.
Good for you for telling your BF to learn to live with it. Too many people on here debase themselves and make themselves doormats to please their partner.
No remorse has been shown. BF
No remorse has been shown. BF thinks that acting like it never happened the next time we all see each other is the same as an apology. Of course, the three of them hug it out with each other when there's conflict but they exclude me from the healing. Again, caca de torro.
I'm full of compassion for the SKIDs. Their biomom is a dysfunctional alcoholic and their dad is their rock. There's no room for me in their family equation. Heartbreakingly, SD21 has a BF who has been welcomed with open arms and is loved and respected by all. SMs are somehow always on the losing end. Such a bitter way to live. No thank you.
Maybe this isn't the guy for
Maybe this isn't the guy for you? Believe it or not, some men actually can parent their kids and do expect adult kids to treat their partner with respect. Not all SMs get left out in the cold.
Not sure how old your skids
Not sure how old your skids are, so...
If they're youngsters, your BF can MAKE them apologize. We all know it won't be a sincere apology - just lip service. If they're adults? No one can make them apologize. Either way, it's up to you to chose how you move forward.
There was a discussion on here recently about forgiveness. IMO, you have to do what's right for YOU. Some people don't believe in forgiveness. Some people believe certain things are unforgiveable. I'm one who is always able to forgive - some things take longer to forgive than others - but I DO NOT FORGET. I will forever remember the trangressions because I'm not tolerating that kind of BS ever again.
As for number of chances - it depends on what the transgressor DID. Was it something said in the heat of the moment? Was it childish/teenage stupidity? Was it deliberate and malicious?
Two years ago, my SDs tried to gaslight me. It was more SD23 - SD26 did not disagree and said some crappy things. I dropped them like a hot rock. The Christmas following that, I was polite, but distant, VEEEEEERRRRRY distant. In fact, I barely spoke. Oh, I spoke when spoken to, but kept my replies short and to the point and did absolutely nothing to encourage a continuation of conversation. Last Christmas was nice and quiet due to the absence of SD23. Not long after Christmas, SD26 asked to meet with me and actually apologized for all of the shite. We made amends and we are getting along swimmingly. I admit that I'm still cautious. After all, I was seriously burned. If SD26 ever pulls that `caca on again, that will be the end.
As for SD23? She's a mini BioHo (BM). Even DH is disgusted with her. I forgave her. That's it. If she comes to our home, I will be polite, but distant. But there is NO relationship between the two of us. I am DH's wife. She is DH's daughter. That's all.
I believe in forgiveness
And I do forgive the SKIDs. But I don't forget, especially when there's been no show of regret, and double-especially when your BF thinks acting like it all never happened instead of resolving it because its a sure sign it'll happen again.
They’re Not The Same
Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Forgetting is impossible. I put up with shit from my husband’s kids, especially the daughter for years, in order to make him happy. But when she blew her stack, and screamed at both of us for almost an hour as I’m wondering if this shit even has an ending, I just couldn’t believe my eyes or ears. Thank God I’m smart and I recorded the whole thing, and since then she’s left a vicious voicemails (I also have these saved to several places) to her father basically writing him off because he’s married and refuses to give up his life for her. So the sad thing is, he enables her to behave like that because he never puts his foot down and tells her to shut up or to leave.She stayed the night after her explosion ??? He told me the other day he wishes he could see her face-to-face so he could tell her how she’s fu**ed his life up. I wish I had recorded that. I told him I fear for his safety and being around her because she’s a loose cannon and you never know what’s gonna happen and she has a concealed handgun license. I told him ,”Well, you could do it face-to-face by FaceTime”, and of course his balls receded like snails eyes when you touch them! If he can’t stand up to BM then there’s no way he’s going to stand up to his pussy-control/whip-cracking daughter!
The sad thing is with an enabler, nothing will change until they’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. As long as they keep enabling behavior, the dysfunctionality, and the enmeshment, and the triangulation will stay in place.
Ain't THAT the truth!!!
"--- of course his balls receded like snails eyes when you touch them!" LOL LOL
If your DH wants a great family
He should not let his kids disrespected you. If the kids did disrespect you, I would give them two changces, by then they know what they are doing. Your DH is playing two sides against each other. By going to his kids with out you. This is a power play on the kids part.
He playing into it. This may not be the man you you
Honestly, we give lots of
Honestly, we give lots of people 2nd, 3rd and 100th chances in our lives at one time or another. There can be a variety of reasons why we do this. It can be because we know the other person was under pressures that made them act out in certain ways that hurt us unintentionally. It could be because we want to have a harmonious family life. It can be because we have to work with someone for our paycheck..
Only you can decide whether the juice is worth the squeeze. People behave badly. People are unkind. I mean, even being truthful can be unkind if it's not absolutely necessary. Like pointing out someone needs to lose a few pounds... or that they don't look good in a dress or whatever (when they are already out..and literally can't change what they are wearing). Sometimes they have legit reasons.. sometimes less so. Sometimes people lash out at the "wrong" person because the stakes of lashing out at the RIGHT person are too high. (why so many SP's rail against their stepkids when in so many cases it's their spouse that has really allowed things to go so far wrong).
So, sometimes we can and do move on past even horrible treatment. Sometimes we do it to keep the peace. Like co-existing with an adult stepkid situation (not living with you necessarily).. when the active rancor has passed. Of course, we don't forget past bad treatment.. and can guard against giving our hearts on a platter.. but we can remain "cordial" enough for there not to be active conflict that puts our SO's in a loyalty bind. If we truly can't get past things.. the only options are to either go forward knowing there is part of your SO's life you are going to exclude yourself from (and be excluded from by them).. or leave the relationship.
My choice
is to disengage from the SKIDs and stop expecting BF to lead. I'm 51 years old and have a full life with my own home, family and friends. SD21 is semi-independent. She and SS18 are old enough to make their own choices and will likely launch in the next few years. I suspect that's when BF will begin to realize the mis-steps he took - when he's walking around in an empty and quiet house and lonely and I've lost all interest in marrying him.
You are very wise
How I wish I would have let DH deal with his poor parenting on his own without marrying him! Sadly, I've found his reluctance to support me when I need and deserve it extends to situations other than with skids. Do not marry this man until you are satisfied he has your back 100%.
"Only you can decide whether
"Only you can decide whether the juice is worth the squeeze." ESMOD I love this!!!
ZERO! Toxic is met with
ZERO! Toxic is met with overwhelming consequence. Grown Skids are tolerated no more than any other toxic adult. Toxic is met with total confrontation, ass bareing public humiliation. Every time.
If they learn to keep their shit straight then and only then are they tolerated.
I am not a supporter of the "as many chances as nessary" model. They get zero chances to be pleasant and reasonable because that is what quality adults are and how they behave. If not.... they suffer.
Behavior has impact
I agree with your 'quality adult' statement. I told SD21 she's old enough to understand the impact her behavior has on other people. She thinks she's always been kind to me. HA! I witnessed over a year of loud, obnoxious, disrespectful behavior from her toward BF and SS - all designed to show me she's in charge. When she finally turned it directly on me, I confronted her on the spot and told her it was unacceptable. She had a crying meltdown. Poor little girl. She's so abused. The fact that I was providing the family with a nice weekend getaway to spend quality time together makes no difference. I was out to get her. Not.
Chances
Are dependent on the person, the transgression and what occurred after.
Feral Forger SD20 tried to apologise a few times when she was living 50/50. I called her the "boomerang child", because when she got angry or upset, or things werent working out with one parent she would stay full time with the other. This went on until 18. A few times, when I would say "hey she cant go here or there with us, she needs to stay home, she was disrespectful to me and did not apologise", I got the "sorry not sorry you ruined my life" thing.
Now, since disengagement she cant blame me for anything (lol), and there is no interaction. She still trashes me, so, zero chance that I will allow her into my world EVER AGAIN. I did her taxes, got her 1,400 back, and she pretended to be appreciative. And now claims "CLove has never done anything for me". Ive done many many things for her over the years...
ZERO chances to treat me badly and disrespect me and tell lies about me. ZERO, my hero.
My attitude is, Fire away
My attitude is, Fire away skids! Try to make me feel bad and see if I care. All you will do is expose what a small mean person you are. To mentally or emotionally hurt me they need my permission and I retracted that years ago. All is forgiven, only because I don't want to carry their drama with me. I am socially polite to skids and gskids, but I will never be close to them, that's DH's place.
My response to egregious
My response to egregious behavior is to forgive (for me) and to forget that they ever existed. They are PERMANENTLY removed from my life. It makes forgiveness much easier.
I do not hate SS34 or his GF. May they have a good life. I wish no revenge on them. But they do not exist in my life and never will again.
I feel the same way...
I have had zero contact with ss22 and his wife for 5 months. I shudder to think of how I can continue this over the holidays, other than to make my husband either go to his son's house or to vacate my home while his son is at our house. ugh, ugh, ugh. Doesn't your spouse fight with you over the holidays? How have you managed this? How long has this worked for you? I hope you will share your experience, because after 16 years, I have made a zero contact decision, and my husband and I are fighting over it weekly.
Holidays have not been a
Holidays have not been a problem. My family celebrates at noon. Dh is free to go see SS later in the evening. Sometimes that happens - sometimes not.
DH’s siblings have separate dinners for their families on the day of the holiday. So I host something for Dh’s 4 siblings and their families a couple of weeks earlier. I just do not invite SS.
No we do not fight over this. The first time I did not invite SS DH got mad and was pouty for a few days. That was about 5 years ago. At that time SS was “only” a worthless, jobless, sometimes homeless drunk druggie.
After SS found a woman with a job, apartment and car to mooch off of and they had a baby he cleaned up his act a little. So I started letting them come by. But after they ransacked our home after moving in while we were on vacation I told DH ago just keep them away from me. That was 2 1/2 years ago. DH know there was no way on any level to excuse that.
I have told DH that SS is NEVER to set foot in our home even if I am not there. And he’s accepted that.
You are the only one who can make that decision...
O.M.G. I've been giving my husband 14 years of chances, thinking that when ss22 was an adult, things would get better. I've been reading about all of this, and the divorce rate is 70% for blended families where stepkids are present. This disrespect and the spouse (more often, wife) is made out to be the villain because the guilt-ridden-over-the-divorce-parents leave parenting gaps and rarely see their children as being bad. After counselling, and seeing that my ss has no remorse, I have now asked my husband for zero contact with ss, no mention of his son, and when it comes to my own children, he can't schedule get-togethers with them without my buy-in and discussion with me. He was making me out to be the bad guy...even to my own adult children.
What I am learning is that the problem isn't the SS, it's my husband. And, yes, like a broken record, I am giving him yet another chance. God, I don't want to start over, but it looks like that is where I am headed. I have been sick to my stomach over this for the last 5 months. On our vacation, we made a pact that we wouldn't bring up the kids, and we had a wonderful time. Now, it seems that we are back to reality, and reality sucks at times. :( I think we are working our marriage into a ditch, but we continue to try to mae this work.