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How it’s been

Newimprvmodel's picture

So I’ve seen my adult stepdaughters twice over the past year. For a few days at a time. My observations are that one of them is very sweet kind and she and I will get along fine. Luckily she is one who has moved closer to us so we will see her on some weekend trips. Terrific. 

The other one remains standoffish and aloof. Very fixated on herself and all her needs. A bit of a hypochondriac but I just sit and observe. Would you consider it telling that on a road trip of 4 hrs whilst she was in the passenger seat she immediately placed on the big headphones where they remained until we pulled into our driveway 4 hrs later?  I was driving and her father was in backseat with our dogs.  

Husband did say some things that the sweet daughter did not like. Like saying to someone that “my youngest lives in California.”  Who is actually MY daughter. The youngest of all of our combined.  

So it’s been interesting. My DH will not comment negatively on his kids AT ALL.   And they know it. 

But definite positives all around. Look if she wants to be disengaged fine.  

ESMOD's picture

If they want to deal with you as "dad's wife" fine.  YOu don't have to have a close loving relationship with them.

I think your DH should be mindful of his daughter's feelings.. and there is a difference between calling YOUR daugher "mine" vs saying.. "our youngest daughter is across the country"  Because the conotation of the 2nd way of saying it is a bit more of blended family vs your kids somehow pushing his aside or trying to take their place.

The  headphones.. lots of young people listen all day to them.. I wouldn't take it as a super big slight.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Yes.  I will talk to DH about my versus our. The headphones? I felt it was not so innocent but a means to not engage with me at all. She is in her mid 30’s. Not a kid anymore. We are just very superficial with each other. And that’s ok. 

Rags's picture

I like that DH considers yours to be his.  It is extremely telling and important that he does not cater to his at the expense of you and yours.

All in all... it sounds like pretty good exposure to his.

Newimprvmodel's picture

i think it went well because everybody got what they needed. They were around for a few days and I gave them plenty of time to spend together. Without me. They both have boyfriends which I think helps now. 

Essentially the girls were absent the first 10 yrs which brought DH closer to mine. I’m glad about that because the girls were involved in a toxic hate stew along with their mother. They clearly want a relationship with their father.  I suspect the distant one sees the financial benefits. 

piegirl's picture

Interesting that a 30 something felt the need to put headphones on for an entire trip kind of like a teenager....I can see her now - did she have her feet up on the dash as well? *ROFL*

MissTexas's picture

You, I feel. I mean in her 30's and for FOUR HOURS?? What are you? Her chauffeur? I don't know if some people just were not taught that when you are in the presence of others, you visit. Even if only superficially. Show some class, and respect. Some confuse respect with "I like you." No. They are not the same. Respect is being able to empathize and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Ex:"Would I like it if I were driving 4 hours and someone listened (to music?) with their headphones the entire time?" It is also a courtesy to thank the driver, (for their time, expenses, whatever) for their kind efforts.

Why was DH IN THE BACK SEAT? The SD should've been in the back seat. I also see that as very telling. Almost a foreshadowing..."the marriage has taken a backseat to this adult daughter?" I know the dog was back there with him. Was that the only reason? It seems you two could've at least enjoyed visiting with one another had he been your front seat passenger.

When you say SD is standoffish, and aloof, I'm picturing the Rhesus Monkey experiement. She would be the one with the wire mother. Google it, if need be.

Let's just hope she peacefully goes her own way. But, if you feel her motivations are monetarily inclined, oh boy! This might get ugly! I've also been there!

How long have you been married? Over 10 years, it seems from your post.


Newimprvmodel's picture

I would have swatted her if she had! Lol.  Clearly it was just a means to avoid conversation with me. She must feel very uncomfortable with me but honestly it is a long way from the past 11 yrs. 

Both still have me blocked on FB which my own daughter thinks is the height of rudeness. Got to let go!  Lol. 

My DH wanted to blend all the kids this past summer at a beach house. Next year?  I still think it would be an AWFUL idea.  

MissTexas's picture

It's known as "social media," but where else can you block, unfollow and unfriend someone?? I call it "anti-social media." So many taking tons of "selfies" and posting them, posting all 3 meals each day they ate. It's as if some wish they had their own reality show. I'm just a more private person and don't like to put it all out there, nor do I like reading when others do. I limit myself and very rarely even go there. I'm very active, and have so much else going on. I find it to be a waste of time, energy and emotional toiling. If others love it, I"m happy for them. It's just not "my thing."

Come a long way from the past 11 years? Could it have been worse?

BTW, your DH will NEVER have anything negative to say about them. I suspect he suffers from "divorce guilt." So many of these men do, and as a result, their offspring can say or do anything and get away with it. Most will never intervene, even if they recognize their marriages are on the line because of it.

Oh, no that sounds like absolute hell on earth. Stick to your intuition and do NOT agree to that.

Newimprvmodel's picture

so the night we get home from the road trip I woke up at 3 am with an awful asthma attack. I went down to the kitchen to make tea. Wheezing like all get out. Could hardly breathe. So who comes down the stairs into the kitchen opens fridge gets a pop out and goes back up with out so much as a glance at me leaning on the counter gasping for air?  No joke.  The daughter.  

And that was the last I saw of her as she left for the airport at the crack of dawn. 

Weird right?  What do you make of that? 

Newimprvmodel's picture

in thinking about this further she would NOT have come down had she been so uncomfortable. Or she would have waited until I went back upstairs. I was only in the kitchen a few minutes boiling water and literally was no more than a few feet from me. 

I was really struggling and yes DH had helped me upstairs.  So why didn’t she even ask if I was ok?  Say ANYTHING?  Sociopathic behavior possibly?  

Newimprvmodel's picture

so from now on the red carpet will NOT get rolled out for HER.  

MissTexas's picture

exist in her world if she does not acknowledge you.

SD had photos we had all taken together, down through the many years we've been together. She ordered  photo albums online. In EVERY book of photos, there was NOT ONE PHOTO OF ME. If I had been in one of them previously, she had conveniently cropped me out of it, then ordered. I really didn't care, as I don't care for her either, but I will say if there are photos of her with DH etc. I never cut her out of ANY of them. I think it's childish for one, but just cutting someone out figuratively, doesn't make them disappear in reality. I use this as an analogy, only because your situation seems similar. If she doesn't acknowledge you, then you don't exist. Who sees someone struggling to breathe, and gets a soda, and keeps on walking without so much as to say, "Are you ok? IS there anything I CAN DO? Let me get my dad." That speaks volumes, honestly.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I wasn’t going to, but I told DH about our encounter. He said she told him she had seen me in the kitchen and that she herself felt ill.  Hmmmmm. Well I tried but honestly all the water under the bridge is too much to expect anything better.  Better to not exist in her mind than to engage in nastiness. 

MissTexas's picture

All that matters is whether or not SHE is comfortable. She came down to get something to drink to make herself more comfortable. Your comfort level does  not matter. It's apparently all about her. Glad DH helped you upstairs!

Siemprematahari's picture

My DH wanted to blend all the kids this past summer at a beach house. Next year?  I still think it would be an AWFUL idea.  

If you can help it DO NOT do this "blending all the kids at a beach house" next year. To be in one location for a certain amount of time with people who can care less about you is a recipe for bullsh!t, in my honest opinion of course Biggrin

Mountains's picture

We were advised by a family therapist NOT to try and all get together, especially since there was tension already.  Being together that much in the same confined space will accomplish NOTHING but being out the worst.  

Of course, we were accused of being anti-family when we suggested separate hotel rooms, etc., and everyone pay their way... lol