How do I let go of my resentment, please help!
Here's the background, my DH & I have been married for almost 9 years. We were friends for years before we married so I have known my SD 21 & SS 23 since they were 3 & 4, our kids grew up together. I have 3 sons from my 1st marriage 21, 24, & 27. We have very different parenting styles & it has always caused problems in our marriage. My DH had sole custody after his divorce when his kids were 3&4. BM has serious mental issues & has been in & out of psych hospitals for years. My DH has had a lot of guilt over BM & her issues so has always over compensated by giving his kids anything everything they wanted, as you can guess, therein lies the problem. I have struggled for years to accept that DH just doesn't get some basic concepts of parenting like letting your kids work & struggle to get what they want. He bought SD at least 6 cars since she got her lic until last year when I put my foot down & she finally put some of her own money toward one. SS has been living with his GF for almost 2 yrs in a town about an hour from us. He has many of BM's mental probs & has had drug issues, including heroin since he was 17. He made our lives a living hell during that time causing us to live separately because I couldn't take SS behavior. You'd think I'd learn but apparently not. SS has had little contact with us in the last 2 yrs, a couple calls or texts per month on average unless he crashed his car (last summer) or was in a drunken, drugged fight with his GF (last fall), then his first call is to DH to fix everything, which of course he runs to do. About 9 months ago my S27 bought a new car & DH bought the beater he was driving from him for $800 for SS. SS had a part time job washing dishes. This was a "loan" that SS was supposed to pay us back for but then SS lost his job. No job=no money & he had never paid us a cent. The car has been sitting because it needed work done & no job means can't afford car insurance either. Last week SS called DH saying he had a job interview at a store within walking distance. Today SS texted DH that he got the job, my reply both times was "oh good". We went out to lunch & DH blind sides me with how he needs to help SS with his car situation & wonders how much it would be to have car towed to our mechanic an hour away. I was speechless. He picks a public place I know so I won't lose my temper. I said it would be way too much to have it towed that far & asked isn't the job within walking distance? Yes. Well I guess SS will have to work & save money to get car fixed or another car. DH dropped the subject but now I am the one pissed. If I bring this up it will cause WW3. DH & I have a business together & will be conducting a show for the next 2 days together for a client & I don't want to go through WW3 when I have to work with the public. I know this situation is a mess, it always has been. I just want to not feel like I want to explode every time my SD comes over to do her laundry with our detergent, doesn't give us the car insurance money because DH won't take her off our policy, while my kids never ask for a thing. If my sons borrow money, it's repaid. I expect to help all of our kids from time to time but it should be the exception, not the rule. Please help, I feel like I'm going to end up on the 6:00 news with a coat over head while reporters ask me why did ypu }:) run your DH over with your car?? }:)
My stepMIL and FIL have the
My stepMIL and FIL have the same problem as you and your DH. It will always be that way because women are the stronger sex. Men are just suckers.
I hear you on that one!
I hear you on that one! Enablers also 'justify' their actions with 'what goes around comes around' type philosophies too. I am finally seeing DH here taking some firmer lines with SKids because I disengaged and refused to argue with him on child raising issues. I only speak out when it impacts me directly, DH deals with it and if he doesn't I tell him I WILL! No one likes my brand of honesty here...oops my bad!
As long as they are all doing what they do and it does not impact me or our home here then it's fine with me.
SD keeps calling to be taken away from her pimp/boyfriend, he's hitting her and she's hitting him soooooo not one to beat the other? I told her yesterday that if daddy comes to collect her then she has to leave that entire lifestyle (dancing, drugs, pimps and dealers) behind so she needs to reconsider her position. DH told her she needs to make better choices too.
Saw SD yesterday and she says her boyfriend is due a settlement and she's going to wait for that, take half and then set herself up somewhere else. A bit naieve in my opinion...these people do NOT take kindly to being robbed! Do NOT bring that trouble to our door! I'd rather see her back in jail...if I have to...at least that way I know where she is at nights!
It's a huge worry as things are right now, these people she is with are 'from the hood' and her boyfriend has killed before, from what SD said, but that could just be for dramatic effect...since the girl will say anything but her prayers to get what she wants! DH is all for not having that crap here but if she was in dire trouble we'd help her back up but SD has to want help before we give it to her in full measure, any help other than that is enabling her current lifestyle. Full measure is she's inside the house, detoxed, away from the 'birds of a feather' she associated with and eventually back in uni. Ideally out of state! Thing is there are only so many places for her to run to and hide from herself, we need to see a bit more introspection from her I reckon. She's almost 19, there's time yet.
Personally, I break long
Personally, I break long paragraphs down into smaller, bite size, pieces and grasp the concepts. Often times people on here are stressed out, I get that, and I can rant and ramble too! It's a good skill to be able to correctly discern what people actually want/mean to say, filter out the essential elements so to speak. Or even just have empathy?
i feel for you. my H still
i feel for you. my H still subsidizes he D23 rent and pays for D23 and S25 health ins. premiums. i'm done. paying for them takes money from our marital funds. if it doesn't stop soon (D23 is graduating in december from college), i will leave. i don't help my S40 financially and haven't. i can not continue helping adults who should be helping themselves.
I agree giveitago No win
I agree giveitago
No win situation. You are 100% right. The job is in walking distance, and SS needs to save the money to fix the car. I think it's time you drew a line and not in sand either.
I fixed up this problem once and for all. His kids were blood suckers, mine were independent. All were the same age.
His daughter asked for a new car, I said, NO we could not afford it, I was willing to contribute, there was a good second hand car available for $3500 at the time. She wanted new, so we gave her, much to my husband's disgust the $3500. Now I told him if he went ahead and gave her this money, then my eldest daughter was going to get $3500 too as she was laying cement in her home. He said okay. Grabbed the money for his precious and ran. When the bank statement came in the following month he asked where this $7000 missing from the account went. I said, $3500 to your daughter and $3500 to mine, the blood drained from his face, and he said, I thought you were joking. Well I let him know there and then I was not, if his kids got money then mine were getting it to. I did't care if mine spent it on candy, they were getting everything his kids got from now on, we had joint funds, and that was how it was going to be from now on.
His kids haven't seen a penny since and that was years ago. To this day they still complain. However on a side note, my daughter to this day is still grateful for her cement, his daughter has never even thanked either of us for her $3500.
I think we become resentful when we see this happening all the time. DH brings up sponges and we bring up independent adults who help us not themselves. If you can I would tell DH fine give SS what he wants and the same amount goes to mine, everytime, then see how he feels, you cannot afford to be giving money away to all the kids all the time. Even he should see that. But if you say it, stick to it. If the car gets towed and repaired, the same amount to your kids. If that doesn't resolve the problem, I don't know what you can do. But he needs to stop doing this.
Hahahaha yes indeed! DH gave
Hahahaha yes indeed! DH gave SS $500 for a hair brained scheme for a vehicle and did not even tell me! I checked the bank and asked him about it...guess who got her diamond to replace the one lost?! It was a bit more than $500 dollar's worth too, let me tell you! He has not done that again iether...LOL
Very, very, occasionally do we give my three grown, independant, kids a dime. Christmas and birthdays really.
Perfect! Good one. Glad you
Perfect! Good one. Glad you gave your DD the same amount so DH would know how it feels to have large sums of money leave the bank account. LOVE IT!
Glad you showed your DH that
Glad you showed your DH that you will not tolerate a double standard. It would have been interesting to be a fly on the wall. LOL LOL
Boundaries need to be placed
Boundaries need to be placed and if your husband does not feel he can "neglect" his children by making them work and support themselves I would encourage you both to seek counseling as a couple. The cycle you both are in is not productive, you get angry (for reason) but it never changes. There really needs to be change as the kids have to become responsible for themselves.
Alot of this is happening with today's young adults. I have friends dealing with the same issues, whether it be bios or steps. This generation of parents, us, hoped by giving more we would be helping our children more and that simply is not the case. THIS IS ENABLING THEM. You can place those boundaries with love. You can tell the children that you sympathize with their situation and ask them how they are going to work it, out it back on them so they know they have to be the ones to solve their own issues. As long as your husband keeps taking on the kids' issues they will never stop.....the parents have to be the solid rock. As long as he gives they will not be able to appreciate what has been given. Only until they have to work for these things themselves will they be able to care and appreciate.
Expect some backlash, weak moments on your husband's part but do not cave in.
LOL that's like my SD and my
LOL that's like my SD and my DH. enabler and spineless.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the positive responses. I'm better today & plan on having a talk about the issue this weekend.