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How do I convince Dh that it's NOT a good idea to move skin in when he gets out of prison???

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Skid 26 is gonig to prison after gettihng a suspended sentence when he put a guy in a coma with one punch during a bar fight. He violated parole. He'd been sent to a prison for a 90 day observation/evaluation and supposedly did well. Well if you have PRISON supposedly hanging over your head of course you're gonna behave!!!!!!!! He has a long history of violence since age 10 when I met him-named after another guy, dad not allowed in the pic until he was out of control (mom lied about paternity, another guy is on the birth certificate). 

The DA is recommending prison time, his attorney wants him to go to rehab where he'd get job training, housing, addiction help, etc. Dh says when he gets out if he needs a place to stay he'll let him stay awhile. He says that when he get out of prison he'll be "changed" and not violent anymore. I know dh wants to believe this but I think this kid has the ability to put on a good act if it means a roof and food.  My concerns are that he has basically caused HELL all this time but dh will feel sorry when he gets out cuz he'll have "nowhere to go" and "he'll need help," I know there are re entry programs but idk if he'll be able to get into one or what. I don't think a shelter will kill him personally. 

If push comes to shove how do I legally keep him out (we're homeowners)? Does anyone have personal experience wtih this?

 

SteppedOut's picture

Is this your hill to die on? (It would be for me!) If you 100% refuse is divorce a possibility? 

notasm3's picture

Can you get a restraining order against him?  Has he threatened you?  Do you have firearms in the home that he is not supposed to be around?

Or maybe you just need to give an ultimatum to your MFing ahole of a husband that you will not allow this trash in your home.

I have a SS that is this worthless.  But I made it a point to own the home we live in.  If DH ever wants to live with SS they will both be elsewhere - not here.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

No firearms but that may be something to look into. How do I convince dh that this is a bad idea? He regrets missing out on his earlier years and feels bad that the kids mother committed suicide. But as I pointed out his other half siblings had THEIR mother die too and they didn't go off the deep end. 

We do own our home. But idk how that applies to ensuring skid stays out. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Once he's in, it will be difficult to get him out.  Go se a lawyer and see what your rights are, and what a divorce involves with your situation.  Knowledge is power and leverage to get what you want.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I agree, but idk what to tell dh to convince dh that it'd be hard to get him out if things dont work out. He thinks we can just give him the boot.

ndc's picture

Whether you can "just give him the boot" probably depends on whether he's considered a tenant or a guest.  If he's considered a tenant, you might need to go to court and file a formal eviction proceeding if he refuses to leave, and if you just throw his stuff on the front lawn and change the locks, you could be liable for wrongful eviction.  Sometimes the line between tenant and guest is not clear.  If he pays you rent (or even agrees to pay you rent), whether in money or services, he will most likely be considered a tenant.  Of course, real estate law varies from state to state, so you might want to check the laws in your state.

Putting aside the issue of getting rid of him if he won't leave on his own, I would not be at all comfortable allowing an adult with a history of violence move in with me, family or not.  This probably would be my hill to die on.

SteppedOut's picture

The DA wants him in prison. Tell the DA you don't want him in your house.

I'm just thinking... does he have to report to a probation officer? Do they not require approval from (all) owners of the home that it is ok for him to move in?

I'm sorry, but I feel like it will be extremely difficult to convince your husband to say no.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Idk if they require approval from all owners...I'll definitely ask.  Would it do any good to tell the DA I don't want him in my house? Unless you count the jail and 90 days observation he hasn't served any prison time yet, so I'm thinking this is sometime down the road. But I'm going to be prepared.

SteppedOut's picture

Start with the DA, he clearly doesn't think much of your skid. Also, he may "not give you legal advice but tell you what he may do in a similar situation".

notsobad's picture

You can not change your husbands mind, any more than he can change yours. He believes this is rock bottom for his kid and that he’ll learn from it. You don’t. 

If this is a hill to die on and you are prepared to end your marriage over this, then talk to a lawyer and find out if you can legally stop skid from moving in. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

He's said before he wouldn't let him move in. He knows on some level that it's not a good idea.  I think he really thought skid would be able to get into a rehab program. 

Whether he learns from it or not....he's still a big boy and needs to find his big boy panties.

notsobad's picture

Yes, but when push comes to shove, he’ll back down and allow his child to move.

He will make all kinds of excuses and tell you and himself that things will be fine, that the kid just needs support and a place to live.

No matter how logical your argument is, no matter if DH agreed with you in the past, you are Not going to change his mind if his son is homeless. 

You may have to threaten divorce. If it comes to that make sure you know exactly where you stand and if you can legally keep SS out of a house that is owned by both you and DH. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

He's been homeless before and dh hasn't moved him in. I don't think it's the homeless thing so much with dh as the fact that dh thinks when he gets out of prison he'll be changed and just need support to get back on his feet.

notsobad's picture

Then hopefully DH won’t move him in. All I’m saying is that if DH has it in his head that SS needs his help, he’s going to give it. Nothing you say or do will change his mind. (Whis is what you originally asked)

Hes going to have to see for himself that SS has not changed. 

disrestep's picture

At this point, I would not be trying to convince my DH this violent, loser is "TO NOT LIVE IN OUR HOUSE AS LONG AS I LIVE HERE." I would be telling my DH this. It is your home also, and you have a right to feel safe in your own home. Living with a violent convict is not safe. I cannot imagine anyone would want to.

If it were me, I would be showering my DH with news articles of children and skids who have been violent or have killed their parents, as a reminder that just because a person is related to you, doesn't make them immune from wanting to or hurting you.

I would be calling my local police dept. and talking to any officers I know as to what I can do to keep this convict out of my home. 

Contact an attorney to see what your rights are as a homeowner in keeping him from living there.

Can you file a restraining order to keep him away? Has he been violent toward you or DH or other family members? What about pets, if you have any, has this skid abused or threatened animals? 

If having a gun in the house is something that would keep him out, if I didn't have one, I'd be buying one to keep him away if convicts cannot live in homes with firearms.

Does your DH have any relatives or friends who don't think Skid should live with you? Have them talk to DH.

your OP read to me like Skid may not be the actual birth son of your DH. So, have his real father take him in if that is the case.

First and foremost, this is your home. For your own safety and sanity put your foot down, stand your ground, and refuse to let this violent loser live with you.

Your DH has a morale and ethical obligation as your husband to ensure your safety and his safety for God's sake. I believe the words, "do you promise to love, cherish, honor and protect, forsaking all others........" are included in most wedding vows. Well, remind your DH of that word "protect."

Good luck to you.

Merry's picture

I would be in favor of residential treatment, rehab, counseling, job skills. That might include counseling for families (and you would not have to consider yourself "family"). I am almost certain that the advice from the rehab facility would be that, once ready to leave the program, your SS should live on his own and be totally responsible for himself. Your DH can be part of the support system, but provide no housing and no financial support.

That was the advice my DH received when SS left his rehab program. DH didn't take it. But he did after the second rehab stay. And SS seems to be doing pretty well now. Lives on his own, doesn't ask for money, maintains a full time job.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

He'd be leaving prison though, not a rehab program. That's the problem. I agree otherwise.

futurobrillante99's picture

I would tell DH that if he wants to set his son up in a place for a week or a month, fine. But he is NOT living in your house and he will NOT have a key to your home....ever.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I'll get an unlawful detainer if that's what I have to do. The "compromise?" Being willing to EVER speak to him again after him trying to kill dh over entitlement.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Why is this an issue? Your home, utilities in your name and nothing ties your DH there. Just say NO, something skid should have done long ago. 

If your DH feels that strongly about skid living with him then he should get an apartment and put them both up. 

Why go around the backend. The DA, lawyers, etc. Your issue is not skid it is your DH. 

If you truly feel unsafe if this happens, then what does that say of your DH allowing this. Are you not number 1?  

Time to make a hard choice. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

We are both on the mortgage. I've already statedt that. My issue is with BOTH of them. If skid had 1) gone to a program when he got the suspended sentence and 2) taken the judge SERIOUSLY when he got the suspended sentence, or heaven forbid 3) GET HIS ISSUES UNDER CONTROL BEFORE THIS POINT, this wouldn't be an issue in the first plce. 

notsobad's picture

He didn’t do any of those things and so he is in this situation. 

You can’t keep having the same conversation. If he’d done this, if he’d done that, if , if, if . . .

You need to deal with the reality of now, of what it is. 

Stop pointing out all the things the skid should have done and tell DH that you are done with him. He has proven over and over that he makes bad choices and you are not going to be part of another poor choice. If DH wants to help him, he will have to move out to do so. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

The fact is that he didn't. And no, I don't feel obligated to clean up the mess he nade. I'm bringing that stuff up because dh says that he's "gonna need help" and the "nowhere to go" ridiculous arguments, as if he'd be desperate and in dire straights. It's my way of calling BS. 

notsobad's picture

I see what you’re saying. SS hasn’t done anything in his past to help himself, it’s unlikely he’ll do so this time around. 

 

marblefawn's picture

I didn't read all the responses, but I think a jailbird needs a plan for housing to be released. If there is none, I think they work with him to find something - in the meantime, they stay in jail.

If this were a DUI or pot, I might not die on this hill. But no way in hell should a violent person be in your house. If something doesn't go his way (like you're trying to kick him out after a year of living on your couch) he could get violent again. You need to play up the fear factor with your husband -- you're scared of a guy this violent, as most sane women would be.

Go with your gut on this one. If you didn't have a place for him to stay, where would he go? The system would probably find a place for him. That's what you should aim for.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I've googled stuff and it sounds like a lot of times they are released without a housing plan. I wouldn't let him stay over pot and absolutely not on a DUI. If he can create problems like an adult, he can solve them like one.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

yup.

thinkthrice's picture

this is why I would NEVER own joint property.  No exceptions.period.  I'm with the DA lock him up and hopefully throw away the key.  Lots of people had bad childhoods but were able to refrain from getting loaded at a bar, living a life of crime and killing others.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

In his defense, he didn't kill anyone. How does joint property affect whether he moves in or not?

Thumper's picture

Your husband adult kid violated his PAROLE. He put a guy in a coma. HE is a violent offender. Let that sit for a little. A violent offender.

He may not "HAVE KILLED ANYONE" but he sure as hell could have been charged with attempted murder if the DA thought it would stick. 

When he gets out (who paid origional bail, your husband?) as part of his relase he is required to have stable, real address,  living quarters AND someone who also be fiancially providing for adult kid AND fiancially responible for him. He may also be required to have a job. Who will take him to work?  Your husband has decided HE apparently IS the one UP for that job.

It appears husband has NOT conidered your opinion important or you would not be here on ST.

If you dont want the adult kid in the house say so. Call the DA today and tell him/her the kid IS not welcome inside the home. Call the clinker and talk to skids assigned social worker IF he has one and tell them NOPE to release to your home. I guarentee the skid will find some women he can shack up with IF he doesnt squat at your place. Happens all the time. 

 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I know what he did. I put that he didn't "KILL ANYONE" because I believe in credit where credit is due. Nobody paid bail. Never said anyone did. How do you know all those things will be required? I know he didn't consider my opinion important. If nobody had skid issues or issues with spouses re: skids this site wouldn't exist. 

still learning's picture

I get that your husband wants to help his kid. My mother has been through this over and over with my younger brother who has been in and out of prison/jail and is currently in jail awaiting sentencing. He always moved right back in with her after he got out and she babied him. He's 41, the perpetual victim who has never grown up.  It's not all my mothers fault but she has definitely enabled.  The problem is once the *child* is under the parents roof they often revert to the child role again and don't really grow up.  If skid moves back in with daddy and gets comfortable it could really hamper his recovery and realizes that he needs to get his sh*t together, daddy can't do it for him.  

If this were my kid I would of course want to help them but if my spouse was against it there's no way I would move them in.  Is there another relative he could stay with and DH could help out w/his rent/bills for a few months until he's got a steady job?  Can he be set up somewhere and have DH's support yet not be completely under the wing of daddy?  

We all love our kids but moving a troubled young man into guilty daddy's home may be a recipe for disaster for ss and your marriage.  

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Did they require him to have a housing plan in place before he was released? Skid never lived with us. He can have dh's support, but we cannot afford to support him financially. Due to him getting ssi for "mental illness" (yet he managed to control himself for the 90 days that he was being observed in prison) for about 3 years he was screwing our kids out of benefits of over $800/year.

still learning's picture

For jail no, but both prison stints yes, and my mothers dinky 1 bedroom trailer was the plan.  He would have been better off in a half way house where there was some structure, oversight, and expectations. Unfortunately mom didn't know what to do and defaulted to babying him and he quickly went back to his old ways.  

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Well hopefully if I make a stink and they require one for skid when he gets out (it'll be a miracle if he gets rehab instead of prison time) they won't approve him moving into our home. In your case was a halfway house offered?

Rags's picture

It is easier to keep invaders out than it is to get them out once they are in.  Take proactive steps to keep the convict out of YOUR home.  This is one of those situations where YOU have veto rights on the convict invading YOUR home.  If DH is that hell bent on allowing this POS into the home... it is time for him to get a place to live with his son until he gains clarity.  That you even have to convince DH of this .... puts him pretty close to being a write off husband.

IMHO of course.
 

Good luck.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Believe you me, I am. I realize I have veto rights but I have to figure out precisely how to execute them.  Idk that he's hell bent on moving him in, he's afraid skid will "need help" and have "nowhere to go." To which I have two words....homeless shelters. And there are tons of other options too.

sandye21's picture

If necessary, get a restraining order.  SS has proven that he could possibly do physical harm to your DH or to you.  In my opinion you are handling this the best way you can.  Just keep saying "No."  If DH wants to argue or suggest he moves in tell him it isn't going to happen.  Period.  If DH wants to help he can rent an apartment for the two of them.

Blue Moon's picture

If your DH wants to help his son so much, could he possibly place him somewhere else than your home? Maybe set him up for a couple of months in an AirBnB?

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

We don't have the funds to place him. He needs to figure out where he's going to place himself, like a big boy.